"Whalefall" - Inner space.

Whalefall is probably the best movie one can make about a human being trying to survive being swallowed by a whale. That's not a compliment. Whalefall is not a very good movie. During the first half, I had a very strong urge to walk out of the theater, which is extremely rare for me. And I say that as someone who has sat through multiple entire Colleen Hoover movies. During the second half of Whalefall, I was laughing at how silly the movie became. But this movie isn't really about surviving a whale's digestive tract. It's about father and son relationships. Because nothing's as good a metaphor for father-son relationships as stomach acid and bile.

Let's get the big issue out of the way first - suspension of disbelief. Can a human survive being fully swallowed by a whale? No. Did I look into this at all? Of course I did. You think the guy whose top five movie concerns are plot, plot, character development, plot, and absolutely-no-Dakota-Johnson-ever-again wouldn't look up what's in whale innards?

But I didn't look it up so I could take the movie to task over it. It's the premise of the movie and I'm perfectly willing to accept the premise. Just like I'm willing to accept the premise of transforming alien robots or haunted dolls or Dwayne Johnson. I looked it up out of curiosity and discovered that (a) no and (b) the filmmakers added as much realism as they could, but they also took a lot of liberties because, again, no.

So how does this human end up in a whale's gullet? Jay (Austin Abrams) returns home for his father Mitt's (Josh Brolin) funeral. Mitt committed suicide by drowning himself off the coast and Jay decides to search for Mitt's body because "it's something I feel like I have to do." While Jay is searching the ocean floor, a sperm whale is trying to catch and eat a giant squid. As the whale is attempting to swallow the squid, the whale swims past Jay and the squid snatches Jay with one of its tentacles. I saw this entire chase sequence in a preview a couple of months ago and it is easily the highlight of the film. It's dramatic, it's intense, it's visually and auditorily fantastic. It's the kind of scene that's so well done you feel like you are experiencing every sensation that Jay feels and you find yourself peeling your fingernail out of the armrest of your seat after the screen cuts to black.

Before Jay wakes up, we're treated to the first of many flashbacks where a younger Jay is being berated by Mitt. Usually, he's being berated over scuba diving lessons or how the ocean is being destroyed by people or even just because Mitt condescends that aquariums are "fake ocean." These scenes aren't quite as uncomfortable as the scenes inside the whale, but they're in the same ballpark. If you had an overbearing father who was a mean drunk and verbally (if not physically) abusive, you might prefer the whale stomach scenes. On a related note, wow is Josh Brolin a good actor.

These flashback scenes aren't the reason I debated leaving the theater. About ten minutes into the scenes inside the whale, after Jay wakes up, my ick factor was through the roof. It's not that I can't handle body parts or gore or gross scenes in general. It's just that these scenes in particular repulsed everything in me and my brain went "Do you really want to sit through ninety more minutes of this?" I think it was the combination of the Dolby theater pumping the bodily sounds (muscular contractions, dripping, squishing) at a million decibels, Jay's panic-filled actions, the claustrophobic setting (Jay doesn't have much room to move around), and the visuals all working in the exact right way to trigger my flight response. Nothing about it was enjoyable and brain made sure I knew it.

I think that was the real reason for the flashbacks. From a narrative perspective, I know those flashbacks were for character development and metaphorically linking past events to each scene inside the whale. But really, it was to give our brains a break from the ick every few minutes. At least, it was until the movie decided to get an unintentional sense of humor.

Two scenes had me laughing out loud at their absurdity. The first was when the whale has half of its body sticking vertically out of the ocean and Jay is clinging to the whale's voice box, screaming for help at the top of his lungs at a distant boat filled with whale watchers (he can hear the boat and occasionally see it when the whale lowers its constantly-open-for-some-reason mouth). Hilariously, this scene is less silly than when Jay starts conversing with the whale and the whale is talking back in Mitt's voice. Obviously, this is meant to show Jay's reconciliation with his feelings about his dad. But it comes off like a pie to the face. Especially when it becomes a series of deus ex machinas. I think movies are allowed to have one deus ex machina, not six.

Ultimately, I made it through to the end of the film. I was glad it was over for multiple reasons and the ickiness ended up being the least of those reasons. A small reason was I annoyed at Jay for much of the movie for two things. (1) He decided to go searching for his father underwater, in a kelp field, on a cloudy, stormy day...without a flashlight. (2) He kept taking his goggles off inside the whale. Yeah, maybe his dad was onto something with all his berating. Mostly I was glad it was over because, throughout my viewing, I kept thinking of two other better movies that shared similarities with Whalefall. The first was Buried because it also featured a guy trapped in a tiny space trying to get out. The second was Innerspace, featuring Dennis Quaid zipping around inside Martin Short's body in a tiny little ship. Whalefall is the exact wrong ratio of Buried to Innerspace. For most of us, at least. Depends on how you feel about your father and/or whale guts.

Rating: Ask for twelve dollars back and don't say I didn't warn you.

“The Running Man (2025)” - That’s THIS year!

The Running Man is one of the most appropriately timed movies I’ve ever seen. My son is currently studying dystopian novels in his language arts class, the film’s story is about a family that can barely afford food and can’t afford medicine for their sick child, and the main villain of the film is a greedy, fascist game show producer who runs the country through mass surveillance, propaganda, fear, and violence. And here’s the crazy (and terrifying) part - Stephen King wrote the original novel in 1982 and set the story in the year...2025.

Ben Richards (Glen Powell) badly needs money. He keeps getting fired from jobs over anger issues, his wife is working double shifts at some kind of dive, and his very young daughter has the flu and needs real medical attention. In desperation, Ben decides to audition to be on any of the sadistic game shows put on to distract people by feeding their bloodlust. After tryouts, he and two others are selected for the most lethal, but lucrative game - The Running Man. At first, he refuses to be on the game, but show producer Dan Killian (Josh Brolin) convinces him to do it.

The rules of the game are simple and are described to the audience very loudly and flamboyantly by show host Bobby T (Colman Domingo). The entire country is the game area. If Ben can avoid being killed for thirty days, he wins one billion dollars. For every day he survives, he wins money for his family. For every hunter or hunter’s minion he kills, he wins money for his family. To prove he’s still alive every day, he has to film himself for ten minutes and drop the tape in a drone mailbox. Trying to kill him are a team of hunters employed by the network, as well as literally every person in the country. Because, anyone can earn rewards for snitching on Ben’s whereabouts or outright murdering him. And just about everyone tries.

Like with The Long Walk, I’ve been waiting decades for an adaptation of The Running Man. And I mean a faithful adaptation. While the 1987 version featuring Arnold Schwarzanegger was fun (I watched dozens of times as a kid), it had almost nothing in common with the novel. Plus, it was definitely a B-movie movie that was very, very 1980s action and very, very Arnold.

It’s been about thirty years since I read The Running Man, so many of the details are fuzzy. But I remember the major points and they all seemed to be present in this new film. And I definitely remember the rules, which are identical. The rules are what made the novel so intriguing and I was ecstatic that the film kept them intact. The idea of having to survive for a month and not being able to trust anyone in the country is so much more interesting than Arnold being chased around an empty few blocks of game set by a couple of ridiculously dressed muscleheads. And the inclusion of the daily tapes is vital to the underlying social commentary regarding a fascist surveillance state controlling everyone.

Besides the plot being very well executed, the acting and action is really, really good. All of the supporting cast is great. There’s a great, early scene featuring William H. Macy barking at Powell’s Richards. There’s an excellent murder/fun house scene with Michael Cera having a ton of fun as a revolutionary. Lee Pace delivers an excellent head hunter who is both menacing and clearly reveling in the joys of murder as a game. And Colman Domingo hits the perfect amount of over-the-top every time the show cuts to him in the studio.

Then there are the two unequivocal stars of this film. Brolin’s Killian embodies everything we’ve come to hate in CEOs, corrupt politicians, and manipulative salesmen, complete with the fake smile and pretending that everything is on the level. Powell is even better as Richards. Not only does he have to convince us of Richard’s pure, unadulterated anger, but that he’s also a caring and compassionate human worth rooting for. And boy does he ever convince us. I know the Oscar awards typically overlook movies like this, but Powell’s performance is definitely deserving of that level of attention.

If none of that is of particular interest to you and all you care about is the action, this movie has you covered. There are car chases, explosions, booby traps, gun fire, helicopters, drones, and Powell doing some naked repelling off a rooftop. That’s right ladies and gentlemen - there’s beefcake to go with all the death and destruction. And it all looks great.

The only complaint I have is with the end of the climax. Compared to the book’s ending, the film pulls its punch a little bit. That’s not to say the end of the film is bad. In fact, it doesn’t stray all that much from the book’s finale. It just doesn’t have the impact that the book’s end does. But it doesn’t change how good the movie is as a whole. Not only did my son and I really enjoy it, but my son even started rattling off the dystopian elements in the film. Including the 2025 part.

Rating: Easily worth twice what you paid for it, even with our current inflation.

“Weapons” - Lessons learned.

How did you feel about the 2022 movie Barbarian? You can read what I thought of Barbarian in detail, but, to summarize, I was not amused. Weapons is the second film solely written and directed by Zach Cregger, Barbarian being his first. Knowing that, I set my expectations for Weapons to...very guarded. My hope going into Weapons was that it wasn’t gross and disturbing the way Barbarian was and I was looking forward to Josh Brolin. I’m happy to report that Weapons was only a tiny bit gross and a tiny bit disturbing but in the best way possible. Also, Josh Brolin was excellent and the film was orders of magnitude better than the overrated Barbarian.

Before I go on, this is a great time to reiterate one of my rules for movies. Do not watch full movie trailers. No exceptions. Part of the fun of watching movies is being surprised by what you see. But trailers always show way too much of the movie, including many of the best parts. I know there are some people out there who like the anticipation of wondering when certain parts they saw in a trailer will show up in the movie. But those people don’t realize how much of the movie they’re not fully absorbing due to that same anticipation taking up part of their concentration.

I bring this up because Weapons is one of the best mystery and horror movies I’ve seen in a long time. Maybe ever. Yeah...it’s that good. And the trailers will rob you of some of that experience. Don’t worry, I didn’t watch the trailer until after I saw the film. All I knew going in was the synopsis - seventeen kids from the same classroom all disappear and only one is left. Oh, and I knew Josh Brolin was in it. If you need more than those two things to be very interested in this film - and the Josh Brolin part is optional - you and I cannot hang out.

(Side note: Teasers for movies are perfectly acceptable to watch because they are essentially the synopsis come to life. You’re welcome.)

Cregger definitely learned all the right lessons from Barbarian and implemented improvements in Weapons. The structure of the film is the most obvious improvement. Cregger is definitely fan of nonlinear narratives, showing the same period of time or the same events through different characters’ perspectives. Think Pulp Fiction or Go. When done right, this structure serves to move the plot forward while also spending ample time developing characters. Unlike in Barbarian, all of these components are done right.

In Weapons, the film opens with a child narrating the synopsis while showing us the kids running out of their houses and disappearing into the night. Once the setup is complete, a title card reading “Justine” appears and we get a chunk of the story from Justine’s (Julia Garner) perspective. After spending some time getting to know Justine, revealing more of the main story, and meeting several other characters, the film cuts to a new title card reading “Arthur.” Arthur (Brolin) is the father of one of the missing kids and he wants answers. Character development happens, more story, more character intersections, next title card. Lather, rinse, repeat for police officer Paul (Alden Ehrenreich), drug addict James (Austin Abrams), school principal Andrew (Benedict Wong), and the last remaining student from Justine’s class, Alex (Cary Christopher).

As we get the various character perspectives, the film does an excellent job of introducing questions early, then answering those questions later. All in service of a dramatic buildup culminating in the various arcs dovetailing together in a very, very excellent climax. During all of this, we get served the exact right amount of scares using various techniques. A couple of jump scares, a pinch of witchcraft, a dash of gore, and splashes of creepy imagery, including Alex’s Aunt Gladys (Amy Madigan). It’s a horror mystery recipe so well-crafted it would make Alfred Hitchcock and Agatha Christie cry in delight.

As if all that wasn’t enough, Cregger also managed to fit in some exquisitely timed moments of comic relief to break up the tension. Various characters sum up these moments nicely, uttering the phrase “what the fuck?!” several times to voice what the audience is thinking at the same time.

One of my hopes every year is that a movie comes out of nowhere to blow my expectations out of the water. Weapons is definitely that movie this year, a movie so good that an excellent Josh Brolin performance was approximately the tenth best thing about this movie.

Rating: Don’t ask for any money back and don’t watch another trailer ever again.