“Bridesmaids” – This film literally shits itself.

Speaking of Hollywood, how much lower do you think they can go? I thought they had hit rock bottom with Sex and the City 2 and Jackass 3-D, but I underestimated the will of the American audience. Apparently, we’ve set our bar of excellence so low that even the critics have forgotten what a good movie looks like. I say excellence and not standards because Bridesmaids currently enjoys a positive rating of 89% from critics (Rotten Tomatoes), which can only mean they thought it was excellent. This also means that 89% of critics have their heads so far up their asses that they are now watching films through their mouths. And don’t think I’ve forgotten the regular audience who approve this movie at a rate of 88% percent. I knew the general audience was dumb, but I never imagined they’d replaced their brains with gummy worms. In case you are part of either of those groups and are still wondering how I felt about this film, just kill yourself. Seriously, you’re wasting precious oxygen and it terrifies me to think you are allowed to vote.

If you think I’m just being mean or have no sense of humor, I am not alone in my feelings toward this flaming turd of a movie. I had no intentions of even seeing it, but I am married. My wife had heard good things and wanted to see it. One hour in, she leaned over and asked if I wanted to leave. While that qualifies as one of the top five rhetorical questions of all time, I responded by saying I was curious to see how much worse it could get. After all, it still had an hour and four minutes left and I thought this movie had a legitimate chance of actually killing me.

Up until the latest Jim Carrey episode, it had been years since I watched Saturday Night Live. Even with him, it had one funny skit and I am not exaggerating that number. When I saw previews for Bridesmaids and saw half of SNL’s cast and other NBC rejects, I knew this movie would suck worse than most since I had almost lost my soul by watching SNL again. To make matters worse, it was co-written by Kristen Wiig, one of the least funny humans on the planet and currently starring on SNL. Sadly, I didn’t learn this until the credits rolled, at which point my wife and I also learned that it was produced by Judd Apatow, whom we both wish would fall into a trash compactor.

Several critics commented that this was the best female comedy ever, which should really shame all women. The movie is about a woman named Annie (Wiig) who is basically being humped by life. Her bakery has failed, her best friend Lillian (Maya Rudolph) is getting married to a rich guy, she lives with two blobs of gravy that speak with a British accent, and her sexual relationship involves a jack rabbit posing as a human who openly refers to her as his fuckbuddy. What’s not to laugh about? Lillian asks Annie to be her maid of honor and fills out the bridal party with the contractually obligated female versions of the dudes from The Hangover. Yes, there’s even a token fat girl who is disgusting. One of the girls, Helen, immediately starts competing with Annie, leading to an hour and fifty-five minutes of uncomfortable awkward exchanges, none of which can possibly be mistaken for comedy. One scene has the two of them at an engagement party trying to one-up each other by taking turns telling Lillian how much they love her during their speeches. Each time one of them finishes talking, the other grabs the microphone and adds more. I literally started pushing my glasses into my eyes during this scene, wondering if I was still in control of my own limbs.

The film continues on this way as Helen is constantly pushing Kristen and Lillian apart. When Annie finally has enough and blows up at the bridal shower, she rants about Helen being a lesbian and throws a bunch of food on the ground. Not only was this the opposite of funny, it concluded by Annie not getting to take home one of the puppies that served as party favors. At this point, I was surprised that Wiig didn’t write in her character slaughtering the puppies in a fit of madness. Because nothing screams comedy like tantrums and dead puppies.

Even if we consider this film to be anything else instead of a comedy, it still stinks of rotten eggs. The only character worthy of sympathy is a good-intentioned cop who becomes the love interest for Annie, but Annie is such a crappy character that you wish he would just mistake her for a drug lord and shoot her. Outside of Annie, the rest of the characters are so underdeveloped that you don’t even notice them most of the time, let alone laugh at them. Even Helen and Lillian are treated as secondary characters, though the entire movie revolves around their relationships with Annie. By the end of the movie, you’re wondering why the title is Bridesmaids and not Kristen Wiig Challenges One Hundred Monkeys on Typewriters.

For me, the film was summed up by two scenes. The first is when the girls are trying on dresses and become sick from an earlier meal. Except for Helen, the girls start puking on each other and shitting themselves in the sink. The scene ends with Lillian running into the street, squatting in the middle of a lane, and blowing her colon out on the street. I truly believe that this scene was thrown in in a fit of insanity since this kind of humor is typically reserved for men. The other scene comes near the end when her fuckbuddy tells her to get a sense of humor. I couldn’t have said it better.

Rating: For the 12% of people who did not like this film, ask for all of your money back, plus one hundred dollars for the two hours of your life you’ll never get back. The rest of you 88% are dead to me.