Some movies just shouldn’t be remade. Or maybe just shouldn’t be made by certain people. Or maybe shouldn’t have Nicole Kidman in them. I never saw “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” but it just doesn’t sound like one of those movies that could be remade into a better film. The original was made in 1956 and was one of those early, campy sci-fi flicks. Plus, a remake was made in 1977 and no one watched that one.
So, let me answer your burning questions…
Q: I’ve never seen the original, so what is the plot?
A: The movie begins with footage of the Columbia space shuttle breaking up in the atmosphere. They use actual footage from the tragedy, but cleverly disguise it by renaming the shuttle Patriot.
Q: You’re kidding, right?
A: I wish. I love America, but why is everything in movies named Freedom, or Patriot, or Independence? We get it. You’re trying to make the rest of the world love us by using symbolic American words. The rest of the world just thinks this is trite and typical American. I’ve got news for you; so do we.
Q: You’re getting off track.
A: Sorry. So the pieces of the shuttle are covered with some furry stuff that is actually an alien intelligence/species. When the head doctor (Nicole Kidman’s ex-husband) touches a piece, it cuts him and he is infected. When he goes to sleep that night, he grows some weird saran-wrappy skin and is now possessed by the aliens.
Q: Does he have to hide now, since he looks different?
A: No. The skin comes off and he looks exactly the same, except he has no emotion and wants to infect everyone else.
Q: How does he infect people?
A: Since he is the head of the CDC, he tells the nation it’s the flu and advises everyone to get shots to immunize them. The shot is actually the alien life.
Q: Doesn’t anyone question how he was able to have this “cure” so quickly?
A: No. They are too busy praising him and drinking vomit.
A: Drinking vomit.
Q: I heard you. Why were they drinking vomit? That doesn’t make any sense.
A: During the press conference, two possessed people are serving coffee and puking into the decanters before handing it out.
Q: That’s disgusting. Are you sure you’re not making this up? This sounds more like a frat party gone horribly wrong.
A: Wait, it gets worse.
Q: Okay. So what is Nicole Kidman doing in this movie?
A: Dr. Bennell. She is a psychiatrist and has a young son. She is treating several people and noticing that a lot of people are acting very strange. She is also dating Daniel Craig (or maybe they are just friends). She drops her son off with her possessed ex-husband, so Craig and she can go to a party with a bunch of ex-communists.
Q: That’s not very American.
A: Shhh. We don’t want the audience to get confused. They are all Americans with foreign accents. Just accept it.
Q: You said it gets worse.
A: Yes. The population is quickly being possessed and the shots are no longer voluntary. Bennell focuses on rescuing her son, since he is still text messaging her (Just another reminder that they’re trying too hard to make an old, bad movie more modern).
Q: Why does she believe that her son is not infected?
A: Mother’s instinct. Stop interrupting.
Q: Sorry. So how does she keep from being infected?
A: She doesn’t. When she goes to get her son, he ex-husband pins her down and pukes on her face and in her mouth.
Q: I thought you said this wasn’t a frat party?
A: It’s not. I am not making any of this up.
Q: Since I won’t be able to eat anything now, tell me how this movie goes forward with her being possessed.
A: Remember, she has to fall asleep for the possession to occur, so as long as she stays awake, she’s fine.
Q: That’s stupid.
A: I know.
Q: Won’t people notice that she hasn’t changed yet?
A: In order to fool the possessed, she walks around without moving her eyes and has to control her sweating.
Q: So she actually has to act in this movie?
A: Yes, but she fails to act convincing with her acting. A little kid on the train even calls her out on this.
Q: Wow. That’s some bad acting.
A: I know. But she stills fools them.
Q: I thought you said the little kid caught her?
A: He did. She tells him that she wants to be alone when she changes and he agrees. She’s in a bathroom on the train and spots some saran-wrap skin in the garbage. When they come in on her later, she is peeling it off of her skin as if it was hers.
Q: This movie sucks. Why did you watch it?
A: I’m asking myself the same thing.
Q: Fair enough. Why don’t you wrap this up?
A: It turns out her kid is immune to the infection because he had encephalitis and chicken pox when he was very young. Craig’s friend gets them to Ft. Meade and they cure the infection.
Q: Ok. Now I know you’re making this up.
A: I never said this movie made sense.
Q: Are there any redeeming qualities to this movie?
A: You can see Nicole Kidman’s nipples through her shirt early in the movie.
Q: You’re a pig.
A: I’ll be here all week.
Rating: You can never get back those two hours, but at least you can get your money back. But you should get back double.