"Grown Ups" – Rest in peace, Chris Farley

Dear Chris,

It’s been a while since you passed on to another plane of existence and I thought I’d give you an update on some of your still-mortal friends. I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention (you probably have better things to do), but the news isn’t good. The first thing you need to know is that they have replaced you with Kevin James as their token fat friend who is willing to perform slapstick comedy. I don’t know how you feel about James, but if I were you, I would start haunting him. The second thing you need to know is that they recently made a movie called Grown Ups that is one of the worst movies of the year. You may also think about haunting them as well.

The ‘they’ that I am referring to are Adam Sandler, David Spade, Chris Rock, and Rob Schneider. I don’t know how long they sat on this script, but it feels like they’ve been waiting for another you to come around and finally settled on James for lack of a better choice. The movie is about four guys who realized they are never going to be as loved as they were on Saturday Night Live and one guy (James) desperately wanting to be part of the gang, so they made a movie where they make fun of each other for two hours and pee in a swimming pool.

You’ll be happy to know that they do still have a little comedy left in their bodies, but it was nearly impossible to remember due to the amount of non-funny jokes. Some of the ribbing was kind of funny, but the rest of the film was just embarrassing. They stoop to such gags as Schneider being a hippie and married to a really old lady. He has three children, two of whom are extremely hot and the third who looks like the result of Schneider mating with a yak. After that, it really goes downhill.

Besides the aforementioned peeing in the pool, James falls down a hill after smashing into a tree, because he wouldn’t let go of a rope swing. James’ wife breast feeds their kid who is – and I quote – “48 months old.” Sandler is really rich, but doesn’t want to show off, so he keeps telling everyone that the nanny he brought along is actually an exchange student studying for a class. Rock’s mother-in-law is with them to make sure the film fills its affirmative action joke quota by giving us mother-in-law and black stereotype humor. Finally, Spade steps outside of his normal acting box of womanizer and into his spare acting box of womanizer. And just to prove that that the bad jokes are not a fluke, four of them sit in lawn chairs, drinking beer, staring at Schneider’s hot daughter’s ass while Schneider is somewhere else. If you weren’t rolling over in your grave after Joe Dirt and Deuce Bigalow, I’m sure you are now.

Adding insult to injury, they invited Maya Rudolph, Colin Quinn, and Tim Meadows to help propel this film to whichever circle of hell Sam Kinison is currently residing. Being former SNL cast members, they all deserve to burn for this, but they also dragged Selma Hayek, Steve Buschemi, and Maria Bello with them. Satan will be pleased.

The final matter that bears your thoughts is that the whole film centers around these people gathering in the woods for the funeral of their little league basketball coach. That’s the whole plot, unless you count the character arcs that are stolen from The Great Outdoors. I think we’re supposed to believe that the film reflects that these guys are adults now, but it only serves to prove that they have only outgrown comedy.

I hope you feel as I do after you read this letter. My request of you is what I mentioned earlier – if it’s not too much to ask, would you please haunt the people responsible and convince them to stop making crappy, pointless, humorless films? You would be doing us all a favor. Thank you and we still love you and the man in the van down by the river.

P.S. Can you also haunt Lorne Michaels? He should be stopped as well.

Rating: Even in the afterlife, with endless time on your hands, this film is worth nothing.