“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” – Crap badly disguised with a Wayans brother (or vice versa).

When I was a kid, I don’t ever remember thinking “Wouldn’t it be awesome if they made a G.I. Joe movie?” I also don’t remember thinking that about “The Dukes of Hazzard,” “Miami Vice,” or “Charlie’s Angels.” Can you see where I’m going with this? Some TV shows should just be left in the past, including cartoons. What continues to amaze me is that Hollywood thinks they can disguise shows that weren’t very good to begin with by using a lot of special effects, while still maintaining a crappy plot. What does not amaze me is that people continue to plunk down their cash by the hundred millions. I’d like to say that people should know better after seeing the previews, but I know first-hand that they don’t.

I saw this heap of crap with a friend of mine who was actually looking forward to seeing it. He thought it was going to be good based on the previews he had seen. Before walking into the theater, he asked if I thought it was going to be good and I said no. I believe my exact words were, “Hahahaha, no. Are you serious?” He was, but he took it in stride. He was staying positive (he’s seen movies with me before and read my reviews) and I was looking forward to his reaction when it was over.

For those of you who didn’t waste your money (unlike me), this movie is not fit for anyone over the age of fourteen (there should be a rating system for that; it would keep adults from seeing prepubescent films like “300” and “Watchmen”). It’s about a secret government military outfit called…wait for it…G.I. Joe. Go ahead, you can laugh. I did; a lot. Nothing is more ridiculous than Dennis Quaid saying, “We’ve got a thousand Joes on that ship,” or, “Welcome to G.I. Joe.” And this happens throughout the movie. I had no idea this movie was going to have that level of unintentional comedy. They must have used the phrase “G.I. Joe” in at least two dozen lines. How uncreative do you have to be as a writer to settle on that as the official name of the ultimate military outfit?

Anyway, the bad guys (COBRA) are trying to steal some nanomites (tiny little machines that look like mold) so they can destroy Paris and take over the world. It’s actually a very simple plot, but the same dumbasses who stuck with G.I. Joe as a name were in charge. They decided to put their base in the middle of the Sahara Desert and give them all kinds of crazy technology. They’ve got lightning guns, cloaking suits, and armor that makes them run as fast as a car, among other things. Yet, when it comes down to it, the hero ends up ripping his helmet off and using good-old brute strength to win the battle. I realize that this doesn’t sound all that silly, but it is when you see it. It also makes you wonder why they aren’t using the cloaking technology with their super-suits.

What really had me shaking my head was their blatant rip off of the climactic Death Star scene in “Star Wars.” The COBRA base is underwater under the Arctic ice caps. The Joes (HAHAHA) send their entire force to stop COBRA and just happen to have a fleet of tiny attack submarines and a couple of giant submarines. When they attack, their little subs swarm into another fleet of enemy subs. When the lasers (yes, lasers) start flying you’d swear it was “Star Wars.” The COBRA base even has a giant laser cannon that targets the large submarines. I really hope George Lucas is getting royalties from this movie.

Even though I’ve only scratched the surface of this turd, you’re probably wondering about my friend’s reaction. As we were walking out of the theater, he looked at me and said he was really disappointed. I still thought he was only kidding about thinking it was going to be good, so I started laughing. His eyes widened (seriously) and he tried to convince me that he really was disappointed. I said “Did you really think this movie was going to be good? It has a Wayans brother in it…and not one of the good ones.” His reaction to that was priceless; you could actually see the light go on in his eyes upon realizing that he had been duped. I feel like I’ve helped him. Not only will he be wary of any movies with Wayans, but he will never trust Channing Tatum again either.

Rating: You should (SHOULD) ask for all of your money back, but it’s really your own fault. Like Dennis Quaid, you should be ashamed of yourself.