“Sex and the City” – Is that shit I smell?

How can I say this nicely? This movie was a disappointment. Haha; just kidding. It wasn’t a disappointment nor do I have to be nice. This movie was a crapfest on the order of a Godzilla turd. The funny thing was that it wasn’t a disappointment because I expected it to suck. Imagine my glee after realizing it was worse than I imagined.

The most amazing thing about this trash was that it ever got made in the first place. The series was declining in ratings and had gotten so ridiculous that even my wife quit watching it (when Carrie started dating Mikhail Baryshnikov). On top of that, the series ended in 2004, putting four years between it and the movie. And I do mean ended. They didn’t leave any cliffhangers or questions in the finale. They split the four women across the city (and to L.A. in Samantha’s case). So what the hell could this movie possibly be about?

If you’re thinking it was about sex or the city, you’d be wrong. Half the movie takes place outside of the city and the only people having sex were Samantha’s neighbors. Considering the series was mainly about sex, with some designer shoes thrown in, the movie probably should have had a different title. Maybe “Step in the Shitty.” Or, “How Long is this Fucking Movie?”

The main plot of the film was Carrie marrying Mr. Big. Forty-five minutes in, the wedding falls apart, leaving another hour and forty minutes (you read that correctly) for some other bullshit to happen before Carrie inevitably forgives Mr. Big and marries him. I’m as shocked as you at the running time of this film. There is no way to stretch a twenty-minute show into two and half hours. I’d love to tell you what that bullshit was that filled most of that time, but I didn’t watch it. I’ll explain in a minute.

First, you have to know that this is one of the laziest pieces of writing ever put to film. The most obvious example of this is how they decided to get the women together in New York. Their solution: they will just be together. Wait…what? Just like that? Samantha lives in California, and when she’s not sitting in her hot tub watching her neighbors hump each other senseless, she spends most of her time in New York “surprising” her friends. Apparently, the writers couldn’t be bothered to come up with reasons for her to be there.

Even more frustrating, it was next to impossible to establish any kind of timeline to any of the events that were happening. One scene has the sun shining with people in very light clothing, then the next scene they are at Christmas parties. I think more than a year went by for the characters, but it was impossible to tell.

On the dumb side, the writers decided that Miranda’s husband was going to cheat on her. For anyone who remembers her husband, Steve, they would remember that he was more loyal than an overprotective pit bull. Even dumber still, the execution of Miranda finding out was even lazier than Samantha’s teleporting to New York. In the middle of a random conversation, Steve just blurts it out. He’s so loyal, I get the feeling he confesses about masturbating during diaper changes. Not only was this lazy, but they decided it was going to be the mechanism that leads to the botched wedding by having Miranda de-balling Mr. Big by sneering at him with “why are you even thinking of getting married?” This movie proves that monkeys on typewriters cannot write a masterpiece given enough time.

I said before that I had missed most of the bullshit, but that’s not exactly true. What actually happened was my wife turned to me at minute fifty-two and asked for the remote control. She pushed the fast forward button and we watched the rest of the movie like that, ad-libbing like “Mystery Science Theater 3000.” That’s what marriage is really about.

Rating: Absolute shit. If you insist on seeing this film, demand that whoever is providing you this film, pay you ten times what your job pays you in an hour. Then, pull down your pants, shit on the money, and run away cackling maniacally. If you watch this film, you are not human.