"Resident Evil" - Never thought I would see the day.

My first memory of the Resident Evil video game franchise goes all the way back to my college years. I was in a friend's dorm room seeing a Sony PlayStation for the first time. There were half a dozen or so of us and we were there to play Resident Evil 2. We started up the game, shut off the lights, and proceeded to be wildly entertained and more than a little freaked out at what proceeded on the TV. It was awesome. That is the moment I was hooked on both the Resident Evil games and PlayStation in general.

Since that day, there have now been eight Resident Evil films made. In terms of quality, they've ranged from kind-of-not-terrible to oh-dear-god-not-like-that. I'll let you decide which is which. Regardless, I think you'll agree that the expectations going into this second reboot (and eighth film) of the franchise (I had no idea there was a previous reboot attempt until ten seconds ago) are properly set at please-just-don't-suck. And, holy cow did it definitely not suck.

Clearly, director/writer Zach Cregger had a very similar experience with Resident Evil games as I did. I'll admit that my recollection of the previous movies is really fuzzy, but I recall them focusing way too much on the underlying plot. You know, the Umbrella Corporation's genetically modified virus getting out of their labs and turning people into zombies and other assorted monsters. While they got that story mostly right, that isn't why people loved those games. We loved them because they scared us while we played them. We loved the various little puzzles we had to solve to move forward in the game. We loved the blood splatter when dispatching monsters. We even loved how we had to ration ammunition for the weapons our characters found, practically squealing with glee every time we found a box of shotgun shells. And after watching Cregger's Resident Evil film, it's obvious he loved those things as well.

The quickest way to describe this new film is it made me feel like I was in that dorm room again. We're watching a character on the screen trying to solve various little puzzles while dodging or killing zombies and monsters on his way to a final destination. Specifically, Bryan (Austin Abrams) is a courier for hospitals and is assigned with taking a life-saving item to the Raccoon City hospital. That's it. That's the entire plot.

Any fan of the games will recognize this structure. Again, that’s why we liked the games. We’re everyone in the dorm watching the person with the controller get Bryan to the final destination. To get there, Bryan has to go through a farm house, a dark tunnel filled with cars, sewer systems, alleys, and the hospital itself. Bryan has to find ammo for a shotgun, a semi-automatic rifle, and pistol, all guns he discovers along the way. He’ll have run-ins with people who are definitely monsters and a handful of survivors who may not survive much longer. There’s even a typewriter. Did Bryan ever find an ink ribbon for it so he could save his game? Who cares!?

If it wasn’t enough that Cregger absolutely nailed capturing the feeling of the game, he even managed to weave a perfect amount of comic relief through the film. The biggest mistake earlier films in the franchise made was taking themselves way too seriously. Much like Cregger’s previously film Weapons, Resident Evil has sequences where the tension builds to boiling, then a perfectly timed line or sight gag defuses it just enough to let the audience breathe. And it’s doubly important in Resident Evil because the jump scares are plentiful. I know it’s the most used trope in the horror genre, but I’ll be damned if every single jump scare in Resident Evil works. The crazy thing is they work even when we’re expecting them.

While I’m geeking out over every part of this film, let me recognize how well Abrams carries this entire film. For the vast majority of it, he’s the only person on screen. He delivers exactly the right performance for an every-man just trying to survive the night. Well done, good sir. Now find that ink ribbon so you don’t lose your progress.

Rating: Don’t ask for any money back. Not only is it the best Resident Evil movie, it’s one of the best movies of the year.

"Practical Magic 2" - An embarrassment of witches.

I very recently learned that Practical Magic might be a cult favorite. At first, I thought this was a preposterous notion. I have never heard anybody wax poetic about the genius of Practical Magic or rave about how much fun they had at a midnight showing filled with a bunch of drunk fans cosplaying as witches. Come to think of it, I've never heard of midnight showings of that movie ever. But then I attended the advanced screening of Practical Magic 2 and, I swear to you, the majority of the audience was cosplaying as witches. Mind you, I don't mean pointy hats, warts, or broomsticks. I mean black dresses with see-through lace accessories and lots of cleavage. Maybe it is a cult classic. Also, maybe the entire cult was attending this not-full screening.

That aside, maybe Practical Magic did become a cult favorite. I won't say classic because IMDb doesn't list it on their top 100 greatest cult films and that list includes movies like Flesh Gordon and Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. Yeah, those are real films and Practical Magic hasn't reached those heights yet. Let's just go with calling it a cult film in general, pretend there are more than one hundred people alive who will admit to not only loving the film but can recite every line of dialogue, and move right along. I mean, how else to explain making a sequel to a box office flop that was only generically bad, twenty-eight years later?

Why was I at the screening of the sequel? Good question. Especially when I tell you I never saw the original. I was a freshman in college when that movie came out and my girlfriend at the time was neither a big fan of Sandra Bullock nor of Nicole Kidman, nor was she a wiccan. I decided to see the sequel because I thought it would be interesting - and funny - to see a sequel with no knowledge about the first film beyond "they're witches" and something about bad relationships. And I was correct. It was funny to be one of three lone males watching a romantic drama in a theater full (almost) of women who definitely liked the first movie more than pretty much every other human being.

The movie itself...not so funny. Oh, it tries at times. Bullock and Kidman give, er...performances, that include a bunch of attempts at humor. But those attempts usually fail because the film's tone is all over the place and the premise is taken far too seriously to allow jokes to lighten the mood. The premise, I learned, is that the Owens family are all witches and cursed. If they fall in love, the person they fall in love with dies a horrible death. That's pretty bleak, but you'd think after three centuries of enduring this curse, they'd at least have some gallows humor about it.

To be fair, the movie isn't intended to be a romantic comedy. What it is intended to be is up for interpretation. The film starts with a quick flashback of Sally Owens (Bullock) burying her second husband. In her grief, she extracts a blood promise out of her sister Gillian (Kidman) to never tell Sally's children (Antonia and Kylie) that they are witches. On top of that, Sally casts a spell to make the kids forget what little they do know about witchcraft. Is a blood promise something important in witchcraft? Not in this movie.

Twenty-some years removed from that flashback, Sally's children are grown adults. Antonia (Maisie Williams) is a doctor who is not in love with anyone. Kylie (Joey King) is a college student who is in love with her boyfriend, Gideon (Xolo Mariduena). After Kylie and Gideon express their love for each other for the first time, Gideon is immediately hit by a truck. Literally. A truck hits him and puts him into a coma. When Kylie tells Sally and Gillian, Gillian immediately spills the beans and nothing happens to her. In this movie's version of witchcraft, a blood promise has the same repercussions as a pinkie swear.

Now that Kylie knows about the curse and that witches are real, she grabs a book off her Aunt Jet's (Dianne Weist) desk that might have a way to break the curse, and heads to London. This book is one of the worst parts of this movie. I won't get into how lazy and contrived its introduction is, but we soon find out the book has left-handed magic. We learn from context clues, and the well-known fact that all southpaws are demon spawn, that left-handed magic is bad. Knowing that, why would Aunt Jet and Aunt Frances (Stockard Channing) leave the book just out on a desk where their granddaughters could find it? Granddaughters whom the Aunts blood-swore not to tell about magic and whom the aunts are aware have never been taught how to protect themselves from dark...I mean left-handed magic. Right, right...blood promises are more like suggestions.

If this movie were just about Kylie trying to break the curse, it would be a much better movie. Instead, the three credited screenwriters decided it needed to be much more convoluted. While Kylie thinks she is on the path to discovering how to break the curse, she's being manipulated into a situation where someone wants to steal her powers so he can take revenge on all of the townspeople who made fun of him for his ancestry. Bwaa-ha-lol.

I told you this movie was all over the place. Is it a tragedy? A romantic drama? A fantasy? A farce? You be the judge. I read the synopsis for the original film, which sounded like a confusing mess of nonsense. Somehow, the sequel was more confusing, messier, and nonsensical. And that's not all; the film completely wastes half its cast. Antonia is developed to the point of merely existing, the script sidelining her to watch over Gideon. Aunt Frances hangs out at the hospital with Antonia, occasionally sprinkling salt in the room. And Wiest is straight-up killed off for no other reason than to make sure we know what it means when the death beetle makes its rattle. Lee Pace, playing a professor named Ian who specializes in magic, isn't given much more to do, not even appearing until the second half of the movie. This seems like a good time mention that one of the writers is Akiva Goldman, a man who has managed to win both an Oscar and a Golden Raspberry for screenwriting. It seems Practical Magic 2 got the bat-nipples version of Goldman instead of the A Beautiful Mind version.

Even after sitting through this trainwreck of a sequel, the cultists in the audience applauded. I guess that means they liked it? Or they were drunk because that's how cult films are supposed to be experienced. Does that mean Practical Magic really is a cult favorite? Maybe. But I still say no. At least until it passes that Chainsaw Hookers movie on the cult films list.

Rating: Unless you are a drunk, cult film follower, ask for all of your money back.

"Onslaught" - How to survive a grindhouse film.

Are you a fan of grindhouse films? Are you an actor auditioning for a role in a grindhouse film? Are you a character in a grindhouse film? Are you googling "what is a grindhouse film" right now? Well, you're in luck. Here's a helpful bunch of tips to help all of you survive the latest grindhouse film, Onslaught.

Fans.

Do you really need any tips? You already know what to expect. You've seen your fair share of grindhouse movies. Heck, you've seen an entire apartment building's share of grindhouse flicks. You probably have a framed Planet Terror poster in your basement, if it's not hanging on the ceiling above your bed. You've been patiently waiting for a new grindhouse movie since people - stupidly, in your opinion - didn't flock to see Quentin Tarantino's and Robert Rodriquez's aptly named film Grindhouse back in 2007. Good news, your wait is over. Onslaught isn't a grindhouse movie hiding as a disguised action-thriller like Taken or every John Wick movie. It's loud and proud about its grindhouse-edness. It's got chainsaws, barbecues, gigantic cleavers, assault rifles, Nazi-emblazoned daggers, sawed-off shotguns, splashes of S&M, buckets of blood, and super soldiers resurrected from the dead with a single mission - kill everyone. They also have Vin Diesel's eyes from Pitch Black so they can see in the dark. HIGH FIVE!!

People who don't know what grindhouse is.

If you struggled to get through Taken, you probably want to see any other movie besides Onslaught. Well, maybe not Ice Cream Man. If children-being-turned-homicidal-by-eating-ice-cream isn't grindhouse, it's flirting hard with it. But if you got past the appalling themes of Taken (even more appalling in light of the Epstein revelations) and enjoyed the film, it was probably because of the solid plot or Liam Neeson using his certain skills to mow through some of the worst humans conceivable. There is no such luck with Onslaught. Its plot is bodies, bodies everywhere, and the majority of them are random people in a diner. Onslaught's characters don't have special skills, or a lady with a machine gun leg, or Kurt Russell, to let the audience know that it knows it's in on the joke. What it does have is a bunch of unsympathetic characters...and Reginald VelJohnson...running around a tiny, remote, desert trailer park trying not to be gruesomely murdered. Very seldomly, it makes a half-hearted attempt to wink at the audience with Reginald (playing an old Vietnam War vet) saying something snarky or a drunk sheriff named Kovacks (Eric Wareheim) doing something goofy. But the film quickly pivots back to the carnage every time, lest the audience starts enjoying themselves.

Actors

Michael Biehn - Did you even read the script before accepting the role of random corporate blowhard? Or did you just assume your character would die at some point and that's good enough for you? I get it. You're the Sean Bean of Michael Biehns. And your character died in Planet Terror, so you clearly aren't interested in surviving a grindhouse movie. But you're only on screen for two minutes in Onslaught, giving a performance best described as “If Measles Could Laugh.”

Rebecca Hall - You probably aren't on screen long enough for anyone to notice it's you, which is probably for the best. You've been raking in all kinds of positive accolades over the years for previous works, but I'm guessing doing a role where the most memorable part is a guy in a bald cap licking your high heels isn't going to keep those accolades flowing. Did you nail your part in Onslaught? Sure. Was it worth it? Ehhhhh...

Dan Stevens - You, on the other hand, are perfect for the role you took in Onslaught. You're weird and you embrace it. Playing Dr. Kimmler, a mad German scientist developing super soldiers in secret? Yes, please. I'll never understand the choice to put you in a bald cap and old man makeup, but whatever. If your career can survive playing King Kong's dentist, you'll easily survive a grindhouse flick.

Reginald VelJohnson - Honestly, I'm surprised you're still alive, let alone still acting. I don't mean that in a mean way. It's just to say I consume a lot of movies and TV series and I haven't seen you since Family Matters. But it's very good to see you again and that you understood the assignment in this movie. Care enough to not be killed off in the first ten minutes, but don't care so much you seem desperate to remind everyone that you were Sgt. Al Powell. Well done, sir.

Adria Arjona - It's probably going to be awhile before the stench of Morbius is fully off you. But at least you got a trophy for it, even if it is the Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Supporting Actress. Andor is helping you shed that stink. Though, I wouldn't say you're killing it in Andor. But you've at least taken some lessons learned there into Onslaught. I know that writing and directing are mostly responsible for how your characters come off on screen, but you might want to start portraying more sympathetic characters if you want to have more of a career than Onslaught 2 or Michelle Rodriguez's broody body double.

Characters

Dr. Hans Kimmler, mad scientist (Stevens) - It's a coin flip if you'll live through this film. Bad guys tend to end up dead by the hands of the hero, but sometimes they get to escape to try their evil again in a sequel or three. But keep your hubris in check. You might think you have everything under control, but when has resurrecting dead soldiers and science-ing them into mindless killing machines ever worked out? All I'm saying is if you specifically designed them to be all but impossible to kill, they probably aren't as dead as the machine says they are.

Hanna Kimmler, wife of the mad scientist (Hall) - Being the wife of the mad scientist is dicey. Those ladies tend to end up as collateral damage when the mad scientist finally gets his comeuppance. You're clearly the boss of him, but if you're the boss of everyone, you've got a much better chance.

Celeste, veteran army soldier (Arjona) - The main character of films usually gets to live, but grindhouse movies sometimes upend that trope. You seem to be kind of a bad ass, at least as far as one can be who is the landlord of a six-unit trailer park, who shoots jack-o-lanterns in the desert to reduce stress. But your fighting skills leave a lot to be desired. In a flashback, you beat your fellow soldier by kicking him in the nuts. That's not impressive at all. You also have a gun cabinet in your trailer stuffed with weaponry, including a fully-automatic rifle, but your first choice is a pistol when you hear gunshots? Your adolescent, estranged daughter is washing your piles of unattended dirty dishes. You don't make good choices. But you're a mom and a vet with PTSD. That character is almost contractually required to survive, even in grindhouse.

Daisy, Celeste's daughter (Blake Kennedy) - You're a kid, you have nothing to worry about. Even in a movie with indiscriminate killing machines turning a diner/gas station into a meat grinder, kids get a free pass. It'll be scary, sure. But you are walking out of that trailer park with your mom or Josiah or both.

Josiah, Vietnam War vet in a leg brace (VelJohnson) - you're probably the inexplicable survivor. If smoking isn't going to kill you, a genetically-modified, chainsaw wielding freak certainly won't. It's not a guarantee, so don't get cocky. The wizened old guy can also be the sacrificial lamb that gives his life to take out the monsters and save the hero. You have a gun, right? What am I thinking; of course you have a gun. And it'll be a grizzled kind of gun, just like you. Sawed-off shotgun, old hunting rifle, rusty-old .45-caliber six-shooter. Just survive, man.

Cryus, the fixer (Drew Stakey) - you're the wild card and we don't really know whose side you're on. Are you being sent in to take out the monsters? Or are you Tommy Lee Jones in No Country For Old Men? You know what I mean - the guy following the killer who's always two steps behind the action and shows up just in time to find the problem resolved and the credits rolling. You sure look cool, what with your sorta-mohawk, slick clothes, and assassin vibe. If you get there during the climax, you might end up a blood splatter on the side of a double-wide. Hard to say since we never see or hear what your skills actually are. If you get there after the climax, be careful what you say to the survivors. They're still on an adrenaline high and probably wielding a very deadly weapon dripping-with-blood.

Three genetically modified zombie super soldiers - You're going to die. It's just a question of how. That's how this works. Welcome to grindhouse.

Rating: You should definitely ask for some money back. Grindhouse fans less than the rest of us because you already know what to expect.