"The Odyssey" - The OG.

Did you know Homer's The Odyssey was originally written as twenty-four books? Maybe you had to read The Odyssey in a class back in school and that factoid just dusted some cobwebs off a decades-old memory. So, you can honestly answer yes, you did know that. But I'm betting you didn't read the whole thing, did you? It's written in a style called dactylic hexameter. If that's even half as obnoxious as iambic pentameter, you probably just vomited in your mouth a little bit when recalling trying to read something in dactylic hexameter. The good news is Christopher Nolan's film adaptation of The Odyssey has translated the story from whatever-meter into good old-fashioned epic blockbuster movie.

Full disclosure, I've never read The Odyssey either. If you're like me, you've heard of at least some of the elements in the story. The Trojan Horse. Odysseus' ten-year voyage home after the end of the Trojan War. Odysseus' wife Penelope and son Telemachus enduring a host of suitors trying to woo Penelope into marriage. The cyclops. The sirens. Now that I think about it, I'm not even sure I knew Odysseus encountered the sirens, but am actually remembering the sirens from Jason and the Argonauts. At least I've got the correct civilization's mythology.

This being a Nolan movie, it shouldn't be surprising to learn that the story isn't presented linearly. Don't worry, there's no time travel or dreams within dreams to melt your brain. Instead of depicting a straight timeline of Odysseus' voyage home and the events that occur during that voyage, we get the highlights in a series of flashbacks. Odysseus (Matt Damon) has been trapped on an island without his crew for seven years and his only company is a sea nymph named Calypso (Charlize Theron). Parallel to that, we jump every so often to Odysseus' palace in Ithaca, where Penelope (Anne Hathaway) has been humoring suitors for nearly two decades. Her now-grown son Telemachus (Tom Holland) is aware that the suitors are looking for any reason to kill him, given he's the heir to the throne. Among the suitors is Antinous (Robert Pattinson), who definitely has murder in his eyes.

The jumping back and forth between Odysseus (and Odysseus' flashbacks) and Penelope/Telemachus does a great job of building tension toward a climax. The drama of the film is in if Odysseus can make it back to Ithaca to reunite with his queen, prevent his son's exile/murder, and resume his place as king of Ithaca. The journey to get there is all of that other stuff. And all of that other stuff is just as exciting and tense to sit through, but for different reasons.

And that's the reason you should watch The Odyssey - the hero's journey. Yeah, that's where the hero's journey came from. Odysseus is THE hero. Practically every fiction movie ever made is based on the hero's journey (even a lot of non-fiction movies use the structure). Same goes for most books. And once you know that, you can't help but map other movies using The Odyssey. One of my favorite examples of this is my wife's breakdown of The Natural. It has a hero, a hero lost for many years, a cyclops, suitors trying to usurp a king, sirens, and more. As I've said in other reviews, my wife is a genius.

The other reason you should watch The Odyssey is...every other film reason that exists. You want great characters and character development? All of the above, plus John Leguizamo (Eumaeus), Lupita Nyong'o (Helen of Troy), Samantha Morton (Circe), Jon Bernthal (Menelaus), Himesh Patel (Eurylochus), Zendaya (Athena), and Elliot Page (Sinon). Do you like great visuals? Nolan blends CGI with practical effects (filming exclusively with IMAX cameras) to perfection. And the way he presents such things as Charybdis, the Cyclops, the Laestrygonians, the Trojan Horse, the underworld, and even Agamemnon (Bennie Safdie) is the sweetest of eye candy. I could go on about the sound, the costumes, the cinematography, the pacing, the everything else that makes this movie so very, very fantastic. But words can't do it full justice. Not even in Greek dactylic hexameter.

Rating: Worth twice the cost of IMAX tickets and you should see it at least twice.

“Gail Daughtry and the Celebrity Sex Pass” - This is what they mean by a crime against film.

The concept of the celebrity sex pass was popularized on an episode of Friends. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, a celebrity sex pass is a list of celebrities you’re allowed to have sex with, should the opportunity arise, and your significant other isn’t allowed to get mad about it. It works as a two-minute joke in a television episode because it was written by people who have incredible senses of humor. It does not work as a ninety-minute gag and homage to The Wizard of Oz – end of sentence. After slogging through Gail Daughtry and the Celebrity Sex Pass, I’m quite certain that the writers haven’t the faintest idea what comedy is.

When I say slogging through, I mean it took me three sittings to force myself to watch the full movie. My wife quit twenty minutes into the film because she is a lot smarter than I am. And I didn’t sit through it out of a sense of duty as a film critic. Don’t be absurd. I have no issues quitting on movies that I am watching from the comfort of my own couch. I stopped watching Uncut Gems after forty-five minutes of Adam Sandler screaming his lines at me. No...I white-knuckled through Gail Daughtry for two reasons. One, to see how much worse it could get after my wife left the room. Two, to see if Gail succeeds in her quest to fuck Jon Hamm.

Oh right, I haven’t told you the actual plot of Gail Daughtry. Gail (Zoey Deutch) catches her fiance having sex with Jennifer Aniston, so she goes to Hollywood to find Jon Hamm and have sex with him. It’s possible there’s a comedy in there somewhere, but I’m fairly certain the filmmakers have no idea what funny looks or sounds like. Nothing else can explain why they decided to remake The Wizard of Oz by teabagging it.

It isn’t obvious at first that they are doing The Wizard of Oz. Gail is an obnoxiously upbeat hairdresser about to marry her high school sweetheart, Tom Soursap McNoodleman (Micheal Cassidy). That’s seriously his name and we don’t even learn it until the end of the movie, probably because it’s really, really stupid. And the film is narrated by Gail’s mailman (Fred Melamed). Maybe your mailman is hilarious, but I’m pretty sure mailmen are famously not funny.

Speaking of forcing something that isn’t funny, the setup itself is as funny as starving children. Tom’s celebrity sex pass isn’t even Jennifer Aniston, it’s Tilda Swinton. But after they attend a book signing by Aniston, Tom switches his pass to Aniston. Then, he immediately realizes he left his coat and keys in the bookstore, tells Gail he’ll be right back, goes back into the bookstore and doesn’t come back after more than an hour. It’s funny because he abandoned Gail in a parking lot and she just waits there for him. Get it?

After catching Tom and Jennifer literally mid-thrust (and standing there as they justify it during a really cringy explanation), Gail jets off to Hollywood from her little rural Kansas town, accompanied by her friend and coworker Otto (Miles Gutierrez-Riley). Yes, Kansas. And her name is Gail. And his name is an anagram of Toto. Trust me, the joke is not for us, it’s on us.

But again, the Oz thing isn’t actually that obvious in the moment. Those things I just mentioned didn’t click with me until much later in the movie or completely after it. When Gail arrives in Hollywood, she accidentally switches identical briefcases with some Italian mobsters at the airport. When the switch is discovered, wildly over-the-top mob boss Ludovica (Sabrina Impacciatore) screams at her henchmen (led by Joe Lo Truglio) to retrieve it. Since the case isn’t red, it’s tough to recognize the ruby slippers analogy. Same goes for the psychic Gail and Otto stop to see, this film’s Glinda the good witch. In fact, for at least half of the movie, it just comes off like a really dumb Nickelodeon Channel movie for teens, complete with some of the worst acting you’ve seen since Sharknado! or everything on The Hallmark Channel. And definitely less funny.

It isn’t until Gail and her band of misfits (of course she picks up a band of misfits along the way; Ben Wang, Ken Marino, John Slattery) show up at Jon Hamm’s room at the Chateau Marmont that I caught onto the Oz gag. Hamm has a doorman that refuses to let the group in, but promises to if they complete a task for Hamm. No, the task doesn’t matter in the slightest and, no, it’s not remotely funny. Just like every single cameo in the film (there are many), every single attempt at a joke, every single attempted riff on The Wizard of Oz. Everything about this movie is the opposite of humor. I don’t know what word means the opposite of humor because that part of my brain killed itself as it absorbed the final scenes of the movie.

Was it worth it for me to grit out this movie? Not even a tiny bit. My two reasons were definitely answered, but neither of the answers were satisfying. And I still haven’t figured out the reason for the mailman. Probably because my brain is dead now.

Rating: Ask for all of your money back, double if you powered through the entire film.

"Supergirl" - Short skirt, long jacket.

One of the posters for Supergirl features the titular character in her Supergirl suit, very stylish trench coat, and oversized sunglasses. I can't take my eyes off it and not because I want to ogle Milly Alcock, who plays Supergirl. At first glance, it's a wink at the classic image of Superman pulling his shirt apart and revealing his super-suit underneath, just before rescuing someone in need. Except, her sunglasses give off a tone that she's hedging on doing the rescue. As do her hands in her pockets, like she's in no hurry to remove the jacket and get down to business. And she's looking off to the side rather than at us, possibly considering choices. Is someone really in need of assistance or is that a fresh churro she smells? It's the kind of poster that dares you not to watch the movie.

When we left the Superman film, we got a glimpse of Superman's cousin, Kara (Supergirl), stumbling drunkenly into Superman's fortress of solitude looking for her dog Krypto. Supergirl picks up with a montage of Kara getting drunk, waking up hung-over in her spaceship, and repeating this cycle over and over again. Much to my delight, we quickly learn that Kara is not on Earth, but is barhopping from planet to planet. Each planet she visits orbits a red star, whose light renders her superpowers inert, allowing her to get absolutely sloshed. My delight is that the audience isn't stuck with another Earth-bound movie.

By the end of this prologue, Kara ends up agreeing to assist a young girl named Ruthye (Eve Ridley) on Ruthye's quest to avenge the death of her family. Ruthye wants to kill Krem (Matthias Schoenaerts), the leader of a band of space pirates called the Brigands who is responsible for orphaning Ruthye. Kara's motivation isn't one of altruism - she accepts that the universe sucks. But Krem poisoned Krypto and Kara has three days to get the antidote from Krem to save Krypto. If you're wondering why Kara doesn't just fly Krypto to a yellow star, it's because the healer looking after Krypto says if they try to move Krypto, it might speed up the poison. Don't think too hard about very obvious solutions to transporting Krypto without "moving" him (they have interstellar spaceships but not levitating gurneys?), the healer said what she said.

On top of the delight of this being essentially a space movie, it's refreshing that stakes in this film are simply saving a dog and maybe killing a space pirate. No sky beams. No cities, planets, or universes about to be destroyed. No supervillains trying to take over everything. Not even a kidnapped princess being forced to marry some evil fiend. With stakes so low and simple, the audience is free to enjoy the rest of the movie without having to absorb the weight and morality that tend to come with all those higher stakes. Instead, we get to enjoy the movie for what it is - a fun, entertaining, summer blockbuster.

Those lower stakes also leave room for a ton of character and world-building for this fledgling DC franchise. If you aren't a Superman or Supergirl nerd, you probably have no idea about the different effects of different colored stars on Kryptonians. I sure didn't. I knew from past movies that yellow stars gave them superpowers, but I had no idea that red stars made them normal or that green stars slowly killed them. Yeah, there are green stars in Kara's universe. Now I'm excited to find out what purple, pink, and silver stars do. The possibilities are endless.

We also get what is easily the best film version of the destruction of Krypton. This time, instead of just Kal-El (Superman), Kara, a dog, and a couple of criminals surviving, an entire city survives. For a while, at least. Kara is in that city, but eventually has to leave to survive and it breaks her. Suddenly, all of the drinking and shrugging off her concerned cousin's calls makes a lot more sense. As does her fierce, if not suicidal, determination to save Krypto. It's a lot like John Wick, but without a stupid car attached...and the dog is still alive.

It might sound like the story leans a little too heavily into two orphaned ladies looking for revenge, which is why they cast Jason Momoa as Lobo, an alien bounty hunter. This is a fantastic casting decision for two reasons. One - now they can't resurrect Momoa's Aquaman from the thank-you-for-putting-it-out-of-its-misery DC Extended Universe that preceded Warner Brothers hiring James Gunn to turn DC Studios around. Two - Momoa was as born to play Lobo as Ryan Reynolds was to play Deadpool. I had never heard of Lobo until seeing this movie and I am instantly a fan now. If Lobo in the comic book is a massive humanoid, dressed like a Kiss groupie, and lobbing snark with a no-fucks-to-give aura, then the movie (and Momoa) nailed it.

You're probably going to see some poo-pooing over this film being another rote Superhero movie. I will readily agree that it's not mind-blowing. But much of that has to do with The Avengers setting an impossibly high standard. Deadpool as well. More importantly, Supergirl does everything we want a summer blockbuster to do. Great special effects. Lots of action. A whole lot of laughs. Fun characters that immediately draw us in. Solid storytelling. Hints at a what's coming in future movies (without even doing mid or post credit scenes). It allows us to escape for a couple of hours into a different world and enjoy a good time. Dares us, even.

Rating: Don't ask for any money back, but ask if they have any churros.