“Early Man” – Soccer? Really?

Of all the animated films I’ve taken my son to see, Early Man is easily the weakest.  Of course, that doesn’t matter to my five-year old, so the only thing I will say about this film is if it inspires my son to want to play soccer (which the very idea of watching makes me break out in hives) I will write my own review of this film.  For now, here are some things my son had to say about Early Man.

What was Early Man about?

Cavemen. And villagers.  Playing soccer-ball foot-ball.

Is it soccer or football?

Soccer.

Are you afraid that Europeans might get mad at you?

What? Peens?

No, Europeans.

Peons?

People from England!  You think they’re okay with you calling it soccer?

Mmhmm.

Who was your favorite character?

Hog-nob.

Who’s that?

The caveman’s pig.

One of them is the MVP.

Did he play soccer also?

Yeah.  On his team!

Where on the field was he?

Um, on the side…?

Was he the goalie?  Stopping the ball from going into the goal?

Yeah.

Why were they playing a soccer game?

Because they do.

But why?

Hog-nob keeping the ball from getting into the goal.

Remember, they were trying to save their home.  Do you think it was cheating that a pig was playing goalie?

It’s not cheating.  Because pigs think it’s hard to do it, and hard is kind of fun.

Do you think you’re a better artist than the cavemen who drew on the cave walls.

Mmhhmm

We quit playing for a reason.

Why?

Because I’m the goodest drawer in this house.

What would you draw if you were drawing with them?

Like a football.  An actual football.  An oval football.

What were they hunting?

A bunny.

Do you think they hunted the duck, or was the duck too scary?

That caveman saw that giant duck, and he was hungry. He was going to eat the giant duck.

Did he eat it?

No.

Why not?

Because he ran away because he’s gigantic.

Tell me about the bad guy.

He was the king.

He's all about the brass.

Was he a fun bad guy?

He looked angry.

What did he want?

He wanted....i don’t know.  But the mouse ate all the coins.

What mouse?

The mouse that goes like this [arms in the air] side to side.  He heard a noise and he looked around and the mouse was eating the coins!

Do you think it’s okay that Lord Nooth didn’t want girls to play soccer, or was that mean?

It was kind of mean.

Do you think it was weird there were no trees outside of the valley?

Um….yeah?

What happened to all the trees?

Chopped down.

By whom?

A giant duck.  Maybe the duck stepped on all the trees. [looks disinterested] ….ask me the question what’s your favorite part?

Okay, what’s your favorite part of the movie?

When the duck pooped on the king.

Soccer does seem easier than hunting that guy.

What part did you not like?

Nothing.

Nothing?  You liked the whole thing?

[nods]

If you could change one thing, what would it be?

Change the ball to an actual football.

Would you tell other kids to see the move?

Mmhmm.  Because they might like it.  Like me.

How much money do you think people should pay to see the movie?

Like five.  Because it might be easier, cuz they want to see the movie SO BAD!

Rating: He called it - ask for half your money back.  It’s what I would have said.