Thursday, July 20, 2017

“Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets” – Oh, dear god.

Imagine if Jupiter Ascending and John Carter had a baby. Then, imagine if they used that baby as the ball in a game of kickball. Finally, imagine the two star players of the game had all the chemistry, charisma, and playing skills of the goose poop scattered on the field. That is Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets.

Rating: Ask for extra money back on top of the money you spent for this film. I continue to underestimate Luc Besson’s ability to deliver worse crap than his previous crap.

Special Ruthless Ratings:

Number of times you thought how terrible was the title: 12
Number of minutes into the movie before Cara Delevingne puts on shirt: 50
Number of times you realized her breasts were her only redeeming quality in this film: 49
How many times did Delevingne’s facial expression change? Negative-8
How old do you think Dane DeHaan is? 17
How old is he really? 31
How believable was the romantic relationship between the leads? Wait, that was supposed to be romance?
How many times did you wish they would shut the hell up about their relationship? 29
How sexist was it that DeHaan’s character’s rank was major and Delevingne’s was just a sergeant? Very
Number of minutes of screen time for Rihanna: 5
Number of minutes Rihanna spends pole dancing: 4
Number of times Rihanna acts a scene out like she thinks she’s getting an Oscar nod: 1
Number of times you caught yourself falling asleep: 9

1 comment:

  1. In 1997,director Luc Besson made a significant contribution to the annals of cinematic science fiction with "The Fifth Element",a visually stunning and offbeat movie. It would seem that he's trying again with this film,based on the French comic strip "Valerian And Laureline" by Pierre Christin and Jean-Claude Mezieres...regrettably,despite an able try,it appears that lightning isn't striking twice for the director.
    Part of the problem lays in its leads,Dane Dehaan (Chronicle,The Amazing Spiderman 2),who really isn't the leading-man type and Cara Delevingne (Pan,Suicide Squad),the chemistry between the two questionable at best,despite the fact that the pair are supposed to be playing lovers.
    Fortunately,the movie is still worth a look for its dazzling visuals,amazing even for something made after James Cameron's "Avatar". Also in play here is Besson's trademark sense of humor,which might not elevate this movie to great heights,but prevents it from becoming a dry,forgettable film.
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