“Kraven the Hunter” - Don’t forget to wipe.

It was less than two months ago when, in my review of Venom: The Last Dance, I advised the folks at Sony to keep their celebratory Sony Spider-Man Universe (SSU) champagne on ice. While The Last Dance managed to turn a decent profit (somewhere in the neighborhood of $100 million), box office predictions for the next SSU movie - Kraven: The Hunter - are, to put it gently, ugly (analysts are guessing a paltry $20-$25 million opening weekend). The good news is Sony can pop that champagne now, not because the SSU has been a success, but because Kraven is officially the last SSU movie. Or as I like to call it - the final death throes of a franchise that has been nothing but death throes.

Of the six movies in the SSU, Kraven is only the second one I didn’t hate. That doesn’t mean I liked it, but it also didn’t make me want to start throwing things at the screen. And to be clear, Kraven isn’t a good movie...unless we’re defining “good” as “not toilet water.” Yes, that’s a really low bar, but I’m not the one that set the bar at “can we make a worse franchise than the DCEU?” That’s the natural consequence of making a Spider-Man franchise sans Spider-Man.

Like the rest of the SSU main characters (except Madame Web), Kraven (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) is a villain retconned as an anti-hero. What that means is he kills people, but only the bad ones. The film opens in pretty standard superhero origin story fashion. In this case, Kraven infiltrating a prison in order to kill a bad guy. In this opening action sequence, we get a taste of Kraven’s lion powers. You read that right - lion powers. As in roar and king of the jungle. Yes, it’s as silly as it sounds. Think Captain America, but dressed like Crocodile Dundee.

As Kraven will tell us multiple times throughout the film, he’s the best hunter in the world. Several people will ask Kraven “how did you find me?” and he will respond with “I’m the best hunter in the world.” So, you will laugh and roll your eyes as hard as I did when Kraven seeks out high-powered attorney Calypso (Ariana DeBose) because “you can find people I can’t.” HAHAHAHA. *Hard eye-roll…ouch, too hard*

There are two actual villains in the film. One is Kraven’s father Nikolai (Russell Crowe), a ruthless Russian mobster operating out of London, and the other is Rhino (Alessandro Nivola) a ruthless Russian mobster operating out of London and trying to move in on Nikolai’s turf. While Nikolai is just a regular human, Rhino gained the power to turn into a rhino-man from a mysterious doctor in New York. Think Incredible Hulk, but dressed like a rhinoceros wearing pants. You read that right - pants.

The, erm, plot is what I just told you. Where Kraven fits in is he’s the best hunter in the world. You know - like a lion. And he really cares about animals. I think. It’s kind of hard to tell, actually. I was distracted by everyone at our screening laughing when Calypso pulled a deck of lovingly wrapped tarot cards out of her purse at a funeral, explaining to Kraven “they were my grandmother’s and I always carrying them with me.” And I’ll be damned if she didn’t NOT do a tarot card reading for Kraven right then and there. Huge miss, director J.C. Chandor, huge miss.

The point is Kraven is the best hunter in the world. As the field of mobsters are whittled down, Kraven is both hunter and hunted, culminating in the inevitable showdown with Rhino. Along the way, Calypso and Kraven’s brother Dmitri (Fred Hechinger) occasionally need rescuing. That’s the whole movie. And did I mention Kraven is the best hunter in the world?

I really can’t explain why I didn’t hate this movie. It’s really not a good movie and easily as lazy and terribly put together as the rest of the SSU. I think the best explanation is it doesn’t feature a Dakota Johnson proving once and for all that she really is the worst acting nepo-baby in Hollywood. That it doesn’t feature a Jarod Leto taking the movie far too seriously. That half its run-time isn’t Tom Hardy arguing with himself two and a half movies after it stopped being amusing.

What it does feature is Crowe and Nivola expertly chewing up scenery with hilariously exaggerated Russian accents. It does feature a DeBose visibly confused because she has no idea what do with a character who got less development than her deck of tarot cards. It does feature some surprisingly decent action scenes and some unintentionally funny animal scenes. And it does feature Taylor-Johnson showing off his shredded physique, parkour skills, and just the right amount of dedication to a character, movie, and franchise that is decidedly not Spider-Man. That sound you’re hearing is someone finally flushing the toilet that is the SSU.

Rating: Ask for all your money back so you can see the other lion movie (Mufasa) opening this month.