Friday, January 15, 2010

“Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” – Half-assed story, decent-ass movie (or How J.K. Rowling sucks).

I finally figured out how J.K. Rowling screwed up Harry Potter. Actually, she did it in a lot of different ways, but there is one in particular that I only recently realized. You see, Rowling is such an incompetent writer that she didn’t notice the setup she created with the number of books and how to kill Voldemort. The only thing she knew was that she was going to write seven books. Of course, it’s hard to knock that plan considering she’s made more money than Europe. So, let’s dissect this with some Q and A.

Q: Isn’t Harry Potter already over? Which movie is this anyway?

A: It’s the sixth movie and there’s one more to go.

Q: Sheesh!

A: I know.

Q: So, who’s the half-blood prince and what does it mean?

A: Professor Snape is the half-blood prince. It’s supposed to reveal that Snape is a not a pure-blood wizard.

Q: Does that matter?

A: Not really. The only reason the term even comes up is that Harry finds a potion book that has notes for better potions, signed by the half-blood prince.

Q: So only a moron wouldn’t have realized it was Snape, since he was the potions master in all the other movies.

A: Exactly.

Q: So, is this basically just the same movie for the sixth time?

A: Actually, no. Instead of trying to kill Harry, the bad guys are after Dumbledore.

Q: Why?

A: Because J.K. Rowling is a terrible writer and completely uncreative.

Q: I know you hate Rowling, but what does that mean?

A: It means that it’s basic writing formula. In the hero’s journey, the mentor tends to die. Everyone was so shocked when they read the book and found Dumbledore dead at the end, but really should have seen it coming. If it had been Ron or Hermione getting killed, that would have been a surprise.

Q: Did you spoil the movie?

A: Only if you have the I.Q. of a wombat.

Q: This movie is nearly two and a half hours long. Something else must have happened.

A: Not really. It’s basically two hours of nothing in particular. Draco is supposed to kill Dumbledore and makes two attempts. One is a cursed necklace that body slams a girl in the snow and the other is a little poison that makes Ron froth at the mouth.

Q: Sounds pretty weak.

A: Very half-assed attempts; goes along with the real theme of the movie.

Q: That can’t be all. Was there anything else revealed?

A: Rowling did finally reveal the way to kill Voldemort.

Q: You mentioned that in your intro. How are they supposed to do it?

A: Voldemort split his soul into seven pieces and put them each into a different object. The diary from the second film was one of them. If they destroy all of the objects, they destroy Voldemort.

Q: So, in your intro, you meant that they should have destroyed one object in each of the previous films and only found out now what was happening?

A: It would have been perfect. Seven objects, seven movies. It would have given Voldemort a lot more motivation for wanting to get in the school and wouldn’t have been tied so tightly to Harry Potter.

Q: You’re not kidding. She really fucked up that opportunity. What an idiot.

A: You should never doubt me.

Q: Is there anything else worth mentioning?

A: Actually, yes. Since the movie was so boring until the last thirty minutes or so, I noticed that nearly all of the boys have gotten uglier with each passing movie. Then, I noticed that all of the girls have gotten much prettier.

Q: Come on. Now you’re just being mean.

A: I’m really not. Ron is like a red-headed ogre on steroids and Harry is simply the lesser of two uglies. I think Hermione and Jenny are legally blind.

Q: Are you finished?

A: For now. But there’s still one movie to go.

Q: Shit.

A: Now who’s spoiling movies?

Rating: Ask for half of your money back. The kids will love it, but half-assed is half-assed.

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