“Sonic the Hedgehog” - Fair enough.

My son was looking forward to seeing Sonic for weeks. I was not as enthusiastic, but such are the sacrifices a parent makes for his kid. Unlike him, my memory of Sonic goes all the way back to the original Sega Genesis game, not to mention I also remember many crappy movies based on games with practically no plot (I’m still scarred from Super Mario Bros). In other words, my expectations for this Sonic movie were somewhere between Super Mario Bros and a tax audit. Surprisingly, it was not a terrible movie. Mediocre at best. Bland, to be specific.

The film is basically what you would get if you let a C-minus student who had never played or seen a Sonic game make a movie out of it, telling him only “Sonic run fast.” My biggest issue with the film was Jim Carrey (as Dr. Robotnik) doing a reprisal of Fire Marshal Bill, but if Fire Marshal Bill was doing his impression of Ace Ventura. It’s not that he shouldn’t have been delivering an over-the-top cartoon villain, it’s that the context in which the character is introduced makes his character completely nonsensical. I know some people still get a kick out of vintage Jim Carrey, but he gave us a character who was ninety-five percent obnoxious with five percent occasional sprinkles of a fun character. But, I can at least say this movie didn’t scar me or my son. Speaking of which, here is what he had to say about this movie.

And away we go.

Tell me about Sonic the Hedgehog.

Umm…I liked it?

Are you asking me or telling me?

Telling.

What did you like about it?

I liked the beginning where the evil people, like the bad guy, and the rings, and also the power outage.

That’s a lot of things. Tell me more about the evil people. Who are the evil people?

They aren’t people, they’re robots. And the crazy mustache guy.

What did the robots look like and what did they do?

They’re little 3-D ovals with a red camera on the front that shoot lasers. I think. If I can remember.

How were they controlled by the crazy mustache guy?

The crazy mustache guy had this giant electric semi-truck that had secret buttons and holders and levers and he pushed those buttons to control them. He also had a tiny ship that had those controls.

What about his gloves? They seemed like gloves with controllers in them to me.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember now. They were like the controls.

Who is the crazy mustache guy and what was he trying to do?

He was trying to capture Sonic so that maybe he could put Sonic in like big, big, bigbigbigbig trouble.

What do you mean by trouble?

Like, jail.

Jail?

Yeah. But he could just burst out of the jail.

Tell me again why was he trying to catch Sonic?

Because of the power outage.

Who wants a mustache ride? Literally no one.

You mentioned the power outage before. Tell me about the power outage.

It all began, like, um, where Sonic saw kids playing on a baseball field and after the game he spotted a bag full of equipment. He took the bag of equipment and went and played baseball and announced “batter up! Sonic.” And he just ran to the pitcher’s mound and ran to the plate and picked up the bat and hit the ball and ran to the outfield and didn’t catch the ball. Minutes later, he ran around and around the bases that created a lightning bolt and created the power outage.

You also mentioned rings. Tell me about the rings.

These rings are like magic rings. If you throw one up, it makes up a portal to another world and he went through a ring and ended up at Earth.

Oh. So Sonic is from a different world than Earth?

Sonic is from a world with an island that has a racetrack.

Why did Sonic leave his world?

Because hungry intruders were invading his home with his mom, the owl. And Sonic was running away with the owl and the hungry intruders shot the owl and they went down because the owl was flying. The owl said “you have to go to another dimension so you can be safe.” Sonic was like “no, I want to stay with you” and he had to go to Earth and spawned in the forest.

Was the evil guy from Sonic’s world?

No.

Where was he from?

Earth.

Did he have a name?

I don’t remember. He did. But I don’t remember. I have no idea.

Fair enough. Were the any other main characters?

Uh, yeah. The cop. I don’t remember his name.

Of course you don’t. Do you remember what Sonic called him?

OHHHHH. YEAHHHHHHH. Donut Lord! WOOOOO! *clapping*

You're Mustache Guy? You're Donut Lord?

Great name. So what was officer Donut Lord doing in the movie? What was his deal? Was he helping Sonic? Trying to catch Sonic?

At the beginning, he was starting to help him, then he was like “yeah, you’re super cool” at the end.

So they were friends?

Mmm-hmm. And donut lord’s family got everything out of his cave and moved it to the attic of their house.

Alright. What did you like about the movie?

I liked when they went to that party thing where Sonic froze everything except him.

Like Quicksilver in X-Men?

I don’t know what that is.

Fair enough. What didn’t you like about the movie?

I don’t know. I didn’t have any unliked parts.

If you could change something in the movie, what would you change?

The military people. They didn’t really care. I would change them trying to help the giant mustache guy.

Does the movie make you want to play a Sonic video game?

Yeah. Dad? Can I play it today?

Not tonight. Maybe this weekend. Anything else you want to say about the movie?

No. That’s everything.

Rating:

How much money should you ask for back when the movie is over?

Fifty cents back because it’s just that the military was not very sense-y about it. Heeeeheeeeheeeeheee.