“28 Weeks Later” – Just Kill Yourself.

It’s not often you go into a movie with low expectations and still manage to leave with a foul taste in your mouth. That’s the best thing I have to say about 28 Weeks Later. I went in thinking, “Just give me a decent story, like the first movie, and I’ll be satisfied.” Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so; it’s easy. It’s a zombie film, so bring back the zombies, give me a small group of people who get chased by the zombies the whole movie, pick them off one by one until there’s only one or two left (preferably the hot girl), and then have them barely escape in the end. That’s pretty much the plot of every zombie movie ever made and they almost pulled it off here. Unfortunately, they thought they needed to have some ridiculous scenario set up before the zombies attack. Here’s what happened.

The United States has cleared Britain for people to live in again. They believe the Rage virus is gone, but aren’t taking any chances, so they have a huge military presence in London. We come into the story when there are 15,000 people back in the country. Nobody is allowed outside of the safe zone. Ok so far?
Before we are taken to this new country, the movie opens with a scene where a handful of people are hiding out in the countryside. A boy runs up to the house, trailing a bunch of zombies, and all but one of them (Robert Carlyle) dies. His wife is trapped in a room with the zombies and he decides to run instead of die while trying to save her. Before I go on, let me be clear that we would all make the same decision here. I don’t care how much you love someone; if they are surrounded by raging zombies and you have no weapons, you will choose to run for your life.

Anyway, back to new London, where Carlyle has some position where he has keys to every door in the country. His kids are brought into the country and you know what that means. That’s right. They leave the safe zone to run to their house because they are sad. Great security by the military, I might add. When they get to their house, they find their mom, who miraculously survived the zombies. Here’s where I started shaking my head in disgust.

I don’t care if she was immune; these are raging zombies who not only eat their victims, but brutally attack them and kill them. Somehow, she had no injuries, other than the fact that she was a carrier of the virus now. Oh yeah; she’s immune because she has different colored eyes. No, I’m not making this up. Are you shaking your head now? Good. We already know who’s going to survive, since they showed us the little boy’s eyes when he entered the country, so we also know that he is going to be the cause of another sequel. Want more stupidity? I already told you that Carlyle has keys to everywhere (again, great security), so he sneaks into the room where they are holding his wife and gives her a big sloppy kiss, complete with a spit string that can only be made after eating a bag of skittles. Did I mention the fantastic security? Somehow, nobody was guarding a known carrier of the virus, Carlyle contracts the virus and we’re off. Good job, ass holes. I don’t even feel sorry for you when the zombies kill you. I’m even happier about it after they implement their “protection” plan, which consists of locking everyone in a big room. I’m sure they thought very hard about this plan. When this didn’t work, they implemented plan B; set everything on fire. Naturally, this is so ineffective that Carlyle can stand next to the flames without even coughing. Like Carlyle did to his wife when he killed her, I am now gouging out my eyes.

This brings me to my biggest complaint. In the last few years, there have been two types of horror films, movies that are trying to scare you and movies that are trying to disturb you. If you like disturbing movies, “The Hills Have Eyes” and “Hostel” are two that come to mind, you won’t mind this movie. I am not one of those people. I hate these movies because they are gratuitous for the sake of being gratuitous. The things they are sticking into the movies don’t serve a purpose. In this case, they have a scene that lasts for at least fifteen seconds where Carlyle is pushing his fingers through his wife’s eyes. This is not necessary. We already know that the virus causes them to become insanely violent; we don’t need that kind of visual. This is poor filmmaking and proves that they have no idea how to make a decent film. I guess that’s what I get for having low expectations.

Rating: Ask for nine dollars back. If you’re one of those people that likes this sort of movie, please step away from me.