Like most of the franchise, Badlands is a standalone film featuring all new characters. But it also brings back plenty of elements from previous films to make sure fans are serviced. That includes more crossover with the Alien franchise, this time with a focus on the Weyland-Yutani corporation (and no xenomorphs). As usual, the corporation is trying to get its hands on a bioweapon, this time in the form of a very large, literally unkillable creature called a Kalisk. The Kalisk lives on a planet called Gemma that is filled with a myriad of other deadly creatures. And this time, the Weyland-Yutani crew is comprised entirely of synthetic beings, including their leader Tessa (Elle Fanning), so when they die horrible deaths, the movie gets to maintain its PG-13 rating.
Also hunting the Kalisk is a predator (Yuatja, as the species is called in this film) named Dek (Dimitrius Schuster-Koloamatangi). Yes, they have names now and it definitely makes them less scary. Dek arrived on Gemma after watching his father kill his brother Kwei (Mike Homik), because Kwei didn’t want his father to kill Dek, because Dek is kind of small for a Yautja. Dek wants to bag the Kalisk to prove to his father that he is strong, but Dek also wants to avenge Kwei’s death. If you didn’t follow that, good. It’s stupid.
Think about it for a moment. Why would a culture revolving around proving worthiness through hunting deem it necessary to kill undersized members of their society before giving them a chance to actually hunt something? And in a society with cloaking technology, faster-than-light travel, and energy weapons - why does dick size, I mean...physical size, matter? If all this sounds a little Klingon-y, wait until you see the Predators’ hair style and bat’leth-esque sword.
Once you’re done thinking about it, please enjoy the real reason for watching a Predator movie. Lots and lots of action. If this film got one thing right, it’s in the creation of formidable foes for the galaxy’s most feared hunter. Say goodbye to predators punching down to fight grizzly bears, evil doctors, 18th century Comanche, and Danny Glover. Say hello to Dek trying to survive fields of motion-sensing pods that explode out paralyzing thorns while dragons fling boulders into the fields. Watch as hordes of massive sentient vines steal Dek’s weapons and try to dismember him. Enjoy giant, tentacled monsters that live in the trees and try to eat Dek. And relish Dek befriending the torso of a synthetic being and an adorable, young, little Kalisk. Wait, what?
The predator has travelling companions?! Gross. Companion number one is the head and torso of the synthetic Thia (also Elle Fanning). And she is delightful. She smiles, she quips, she navigates, and she occasionally rips the heads off of dragons. In all seriousness, Thia absolutely steals this movie; Fanning understood her assignment.
Companion number two is dubbed Bud (by Thia). Despite knowing what a Kalisk looks like, Thia doesn’t recognize Bud as a Kalisk (remember, Thia is essentially a talking computer whose mission on the planet was to capture a Kalisk). And Bud is adorable. He’s got big puppy dog eyes, occasionally rips the tentacles off of tree monsters, and literally swaps spit with Dek. I’m not kidding - they spit on each other to mark the other as part of their clan. I promise you this is a Predator movie, not a Marvel movie (though, both are owned by Disney, so...).
If you think this movie has taken the franchise to a goofy level, it gets sillier; cartoonish elements abound. Thia’s detached legs are apparently sentient (they are pivotal in the climax). Dek uses an acid-spitting eel as his replacement shoulder blaster in the climax. Dek runs through a field of those exploding, poisoned-thorn plants, yet only gets hit by a single thorn. Bud exists at all. In one scene, Thia springs (still legless) from far offscreen to save Dek from being eaten by a dragon (and she kills the dragon) yet can barely drag herself across the ground for the rest of the film. And despite watching Tessa’s lightning-fast reflexes early in the film, she fights Dek in the climax using a slow-moving, Hulkbuster-sized cargo loader (a very unsubtle homage to Aliens).
Disappointingly, many of the things that make the predator cool are gone. Cloaking device? Gone. Bracer with retractable blades? Gone. Shoulder mounted blaster? Gone. The cool mask that lets predators see multiple spectrums of light? Gone. But now he has a big glowy sword, so it’s all good. I promise you this is a Predator movie, not a Star Wars movie (though, both are owned by Disney, so...).
The best way to describe this movie is what my friend said, “it didn’t feel like a Predator movie.” Exactly. As much as I appreciate the action, creature effects, and Fanning owning this film, being asked to accept the predator as a kind-hearted, family-oriented softie just felt wrong. Though it does explain why a tiny Comanche girl with a rope and a hatchet, not to mention Danny Glover, were able to defeat their predators.
Rating: Ask for at least half of your money back, depending on how you feel about a mostly neutered predator.
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