“A Minecraft Movie” - Let me show you to your litterbox, Mr. Director, sir.

Surely, it was all just a dream.

Surely, A Minecraft Movie isn’t the most cynical movie of the year...a studio-micro-managed vomit of fan service.

Surely, a movie based on the best-selling video of game of all time...a game that is fourteen years old...a game that still has millions of players spending countless hours building infinite creations...didn’t just pretend the audience has no idea what Minecraft is and cram a five-minute tutorial down our throats.

Surely, director Jared Hess of Napolean Dynamite fame can see and hear Jack Black delivering every line like he’s talking to a three-year-old and it’s the most exciting sentence ever. And surely Hess isn’t going to let him do that for the entire movie.

Surely, Hess didn’t tell Jason Momoa to do his impression of Napolean’s Uncle Rico, but if Rico was far more pathetic.

Surely, at least one of the five writers actually played the game themselves in order to understand the appeal of playing Minecraft and didn’t just YouTube a bunch of clips to get some bullet points.

Surely, this movie isn’t completely devoid of characters actually mining things.

Surely, this movie isn’t completely devoid of characters actually crafting things.

Surely, that isn’t a giant pig general and pig witch the writers invented because they didn’t play the game to know there are already plenty of enemies to choose from.

Surely, Danielle Brooks isn’t playing a real estate agent and aspiring mobile petting zoo owner whose only contribution to the film is a heaping pile of sass.

Surely, that isn’t a side plot featuring Jennifer Coolidge trying to bang a square-headed, flat-nosed, hemming and hawing NPC villager who she hit with her car while drunk driving after he wandered through a portal into the real world.

Surely, that isn’t Black and Momoa 69ing so they can squeeze through a tunnel.

Surely, this is a nightmare because there is simply no way a real movie whose target audience is stunted six-year-olds with ADHD would feature Black and Momoa 69ing.

Surely, Black is going to stop delivering his lines like an amphetamine-riddled meerkat.

Surely, this is a dream because the CGI-generated, photo-realistic overworld is way too gorgeous for a movie as insulting idiotic as this one.

Surely, the reason this movie is destroying the box office (and some theaters) isn’t because of a stupid meme called Chicken Jockey.

Surely, A Minecraft Movie was directed by a housecat because this movie has a massive guaranteed audience and no human being would sign their name to such a vacuous, soulless money grab.

Surely, this movie wasn’t so bad that even my twelve-year-old, Minecraft-obsessed son didn’t leave the theater saying “what the fuck was that?”

Surely, it was all just a dream.

Rating: Wake up, Kevin. WAKE UP!!