“Avatar: Fire and Ash” - I thought they already saved the whales.

Avatar: Fire and Ash is going to make a ton of money. Not because it’s a great movie (spoiler: it isn’t), but because it’s a spectacle that people can’t resist. Just look at Avatar: The Way of Water. It garnered an unspectacular 76% critic approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, yet grossed the third-most money at the box office in history ($2.34 billion). And why? Because Way of Water was also a spectacle that people couldn’t resist.

Let’s get the praise out of the way first. The obvious reason people saw Way of Water, and why they will see Fire and Ash, is because of the visuals. And rightfully so. To this day, the Avatar movies are the only ones that use 3D filming to its full potential. Not the 3D post-production garbage that was slapped onto countless movies after the first Avatar, but the very, very expensive and fully immersive 3D that director James Cameron developed specifically for the Avatar films. Combined with the very best in digital animation and CGI, the entire Avatar franchise is breathtakingly gorgeous. When you find yourself shedding a tear or two during any of these movies, it’s not because of the story or characters; it’s because your eyes are orgasming.

Good story or not, the visuals alone (and auditory effects, for that matter) are worth the price of admission. It’s why we still go to art museums, gawk at the aurora borealis, and watch fashion shows. And you know where this is going now, don’t you?

For all the work put into the aesthetics of the Avatar films, it’s disappointing that the stories and writing have been so mediocre. The first film was just FernGully with guns, but at least it had a coherent story. The second film was a messy revenge plot served with a side of whale hunting and family angst. It was only kind of coherent and did itself no favors by bringing the first film’s unlikeable villain - Colonel Quaritch (Stephen Lang) - back to life, soap-opera style (practically the same way Joey’s Dr. Drake Ramoray was brought back to life in Friends).

Unfortunately, Fire and Ash is an even less coherent movie than Way of Water. It’s also almost a remake of Way of Water. Quaritch is still trying to kill Jake (Sam Worthington). Quaritch burns villages and tortures Na’vi again just to get someone to tell him where Jake is. There’s a long sequence of Na’vi playing with creatures underwater. Humans are still hunting Tulkins (whale-like creatures) for their brain fluid (I guess humans gave up on the unobtainium?). A Tulkin named Payakan saves Lo’Ak’s (Britain Dalton) life again. Spider (Jack Champion) is captured by Quaritch again. Quaritch tries to befriend Spider again. Jake’s kids are taken hostage multiple times again. Kiri (Sigourney Weaver) is told again by Dr. Spellman (Joel David Moore) that if she tries to connect to the underwater tree one more time it will kill her. The final act is yet another massive battle near the Metkayina village featuring Tulkins (all of them, this time) and lots of human vehicles.

The difference between Way of Water and Fire and Ash is, for much of Fire and Ash, I was just lost. I didn’t know why anybody was doing anything anymore. Neytiri (Zoe Saldana) is mad because her son died but also because her entire family is part human? Payakan is exiled again or something? The humans are trying to capture Spider because he gains the ability to breath the air on Pandora, but the climax of the film is solely whale hunting again? Jake is still yelling at his kids like a drunk dad trying to watch football?

There are a few new elements of Pandora tossed in to break up the repetitiveness. Two new Na’vi tribes are introduced. The wind traders, who fly blimps/sky-sailing ships pulled by flying creatures, though are barely in the movie. And the Mangkwan clan, a clan of bloodthirsty raiders, led by Varang (Oona Chaplin), who raid (and kill) other Na’vi tribes and eventually join with the humans despite the humans spending two movies indiscriminately killing Na’vi of any clan.

But after introducing the new clans, the film goes right back to incoherence. There is a pointless scene where Quaritch has an acid trip after being forced to inhale some drug from Varang. Varang says she must see who he truly is and it is very unclear what that means or if the trip even accomplishes that. Meanwhile, the Tulkins have a gathering of their elders and they appear to be wearing metal ear (horn?) rings. Question - how do they even put them on or in with only flippers? And why there is a massive press corps in the human base? And finally, if humans can upload memories/consciousnesses of the dead into Avatars, then they don’t need the tulkin brain fluid which is used for anti-aging. Right? RIGHT?!

Sorry, got a bit incoherent myself just then. That tends to happen during a three-hour-and-seventeen-minute film that makes less sense than a Salvador Dali painting. Even with mind-blowing visual effects, it’s impossible not to blink every now and then, giving your brain a chance to go “wait, wasn’t that guy dead?”

With two more Avatar films yet to come out, I don’t have much hope left that the overarching story can be salvaged. Fire and Ash doesn’t resolve any larger story arcs or really even the smaller story arcs. It would have greatly benefited from cutting the humans out entirely and focusing solely on the dynamics and connections between the various tribes. Maybe Cameron will surprise us all and make a major course correction. And we’ll see the next two films because resistance is futile.

Rating: Ask for nine dollars back because at least your eyes are extremely satisfied.