“Mufasa: The Lion King” - Nothing to sing home about.

As the year draws to a close, we’re left with the annual end of year fireworks in the form of Christmas movie releases. One last splurge of films to goose box office receipts before the calendar flips over to the graveyard of films that is January. While Wicked and Moana 2 continue their strong runs, they’ll have company from a Bob Dylan biopic, a Dracula remake, Sonic the Hedgehog’s third (!) film, probably not Kraven the Hunter (grossing a paltry $11M in its opening weekend just a few days ago), and a Lion King prequel called Mufasa: The Lion King.

My very first question about Mufasa: The Lion King is not what you think it is - who asked for this? No, my first question is why the subtitle The Lion King? As this movie tells us, as well as The Lion King did, Mufasa means “king.” So, the movie is called King: The Lion King. Also, Simba is the lion king. This is already confusing.

Mufasa begins with Pumbaa and Timon babysitting Simba’s daughter Kiara while Simba runs off to find Nala, who is giving birth to another lion cub. Wait, this is a sequel and a prequel? Also, why isn’t Nala birthing her cub in their home? Some of that confusion is allayed, then replaced with other confusion, when Rafiki shows up and launches into the story of how a lowly, common lion named Mufasa became king. Yes, a lion whose name literally means king and whose son we were told came from a long line of kings by Mufasa himself isn’t actually of royal blood. Well, this sounds promising. What next - that Scar isn’t really Simba’s uncle?

Turns out, Scar isn’t really Simba’s uncle. Nor is his name Scar. For the first half of the film, I thought his name was Tucker because he and his family all have British accents. Scar’s real name is Taka and Mufasa is Taka’s brother in spirit only. The two lions meet after Mufasa is swept away from his home and family by a flood and later found floating in a river. Mufasa is adopted by Taka’s mother Eshe and trained as a hunter with the lionesses at Taka’s father Obasi’s insistence. After a pride of white lions attack and kill Taka’s entire pride, Taka and Mufasa spend the rest of the film fleeing from the white lions, hoping to find refuge in a mythical land called Malele.

This being a prequel, almost nothing that follows is surprising. Even if you have never seen The Lion King, or the other The Lion King, you know Mufasa prevails because Rafiki is relaying this story to Mufasa’s grandchild in the future. But you have seen at least one The Lion King, so you will probably spend much of the time wondering when the movie is going to show us how Scar gets his scar and becomes Scar. You also know that prequels can’t resist showing you the origins of stuff from the original movie, so it’s a foregone conclusion that Sarabi, Zazu, and Rafiki will show up in this story. And Pride Rock. And how Rafiki got his staff. And Scar and Mufasa having a falling out. And Scar digging his claws into Mufasa’s paws as Mufasa dangles from a ledge. The only thing missing is how Scar’s mane turned black.

So, here’s how Scar’s mane turned black. Just kidding. That’s a story for Rafiki to tell in Mufasa 2: Yet Another Lion King Movie. But my son had a different question that needs answering - where is the snowy mountain range in Africa that Mufasa and Taka traverse? This is what happens when a movie seems so determined to be meh that it can’t keep the attention of a 12-year-old...who watches tennis on TV. Because I was also quite bored, my thought upon seeing the mountains was - isn’t that where Gandalf fought the Balrog?

(For the record, the Atlas Mountains in northern Africa do indeed feature snow-capped peaks. You’re welcome.)

Surprisingly, it wasn’t just the story that was decidedly mediocre. Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote the songs and none of them stood out. A couple songs were almost bad, most notably Mads Mikkelsen (voicing the white lion pride leader, Kiros) singing “Bye Bye,” an awkward song about murder, and Mufasa (Aaron Pierre) and Taka (Kelvin Harrison Jr.) singing “I Always Wanted a Brother,” an awkward song that wasn’t about murder.

Unsurprisingly, Mufasa delivered what I expected it to deliver. A vanilla story filled with fan service and not an ounce of tension. A movie that is somehow confusing and not confusing at all. A film so very blah that you won’t remember the music and might not even remember which lion is which, following in a long line of very blah live-action Disney remakes. What next - a Lilo and Stitch live-action remake?

Rating: Ask for two thirds of your money back because it’s not the worst movie you can see this Christmas.