Saturday, January 16, 2010

"Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen” – Not even fit for a brain-damaged monkey.

Along with everyone else, I was very excited to see “Transformers 2.” The first movie was so good nobody could help but to look forward to the sequel. Imagine our surprise at experiencing this putrid excuse for a film. The only thing anyone was thinking while walking out of the theater was “What the fuck just happened?”

Before seeing the film, I had heard a lot of negative criticism from the so-called critics. I shrugged my shoulders, thinking that they were probably just going through their normal routine of trashing a summer blockbuster. I even heard a caller on the radio say that the movie was great and that the critics were dead wrong. My only question to that lady now is, “Are you stupid?”

“Transformers 2” is easily one of the worst movies of the year and probably can be considered one of the worst of the decade. Trust me, it kills me to have to say that, but it’s true. The most common phrase I’ve heard from people regarding their opinion of this film is that it sucked. Had it not been a sequel, it may have merely only sucked. Compare it to the first movie and it sucked so hard that some guy’s toupee came off his head and hit the screen.

To begin with, the story was completely ludicrous, even for a movie about giant, alien, transforming robots. The story picks up two years after the first movie and the Autobots have teamed up with the military to hunt Decepticons. So, if you’re keeping score, the writers decided to go stupid right off the bat. The first scene shows humans and Autobots converging on a hiding Decepticon (actually, the first scene shows transformers killing cavemen…don’t ask). Other than cannon fodder, why are the humans there? As if to prove that the humans are worthless, the Decepticon tramples several of them before Optimus Prime comes parachuting in to destroy it. You read that right, he parachuted. Hasn’t anyone ever wondered why none of the Autobots can fly? Anyway, Prime punctuates his kill calling it a “punkass Decepticon.” Really? Whose brain dead kid came up with that turd of a line?

On a side note, the film was filled with terrible lines meant only for the ears of retarded monkeys. The worst example is everything said by the two little twin Autobots. They sounded like Flava Flav arguing with another Flava Flav and spend most of the movie fighting with each other. I guess we’re supposed to believe that since they learned to speak English from the Internet, they didn’t bother to get past the MTV’s website.

Getting back to the “story,” some asshole politician blames Optimus for the spate of Decepticon battles, claiming they are there for revenge (due to the title of the film, the word revenge, will be used many more times throughout), but really just pissed about having to pay for the damage. Meanwhile, Sam (Shia LaBeouf) accidentally touches a shard remaining from the Allspark cube and starts seeing crazy symbols. Next question: why did he get infused this time, when he spent the end of the first film running around with the entire cube in his arms? This is one of two remaining shards, the other of which is hidden on Diego Garcia, a U.S. military base on a Pacific island. The Decepticons need one of these shards to resurrect Megatron, so naturally they go after the one that is harder to get. By the way, it’s a little odd that the same thing that destroyed Megatron can now be used to revive him. At this point, I’m not sure the writers even saw the first movie.

Back to Sam, he’s getting ready to go off to college while Mikaela (still as hot as ever) works as an auto mechanic. Sam is bid farewell by his Chihuahua humping a little bulldog (twice), revealing to us what the main theme of the movie is. Not to be outdone, his mother eats a pot-filled brownie and runs around campus stealing Frisbees, ensuring that Sam will have a miserable college experience. In addition, Mikaela’s whole mission in this movie is to make Sam tell her he loves her, even when they are an inch from death, so he might as well cut off his own balls since he won’t be needing them.

None of this shit has anything to do with the main plot of the story, which is delivered to us by a robotic Emperor Palpatine. I know this isn’t Star Wars, but at one point he actually refers to Megatron as his apprentice. Fuck that and the writers too. We know that Megatron was the leader of the Decepticons; now he’s just some apprentice? Again, did you morons even watch the first film? The transformers all refer to this guy as The Fallen, proving once and for all that the writers are just wasting precious oxygen.

We eventually learn that The Fallen (no matter how many times you hear it or say it, it sounds as stupid as ever) is trying to find some machine that can consume the sun and produce Energon, which powers the transformers or something (this is never made clear). The machine is hidden in the great pyramid of Giza and he needs to find a key that turns it on. His only motivation seems to be to destroy the humans, convincing us that he is, in fact, evil. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know where either of these things are, so he sends a terminator to capture Sam. Seriously. A transformer, disguised as a really hot girl, gets Sam alone in his room and jumps on top of him (maybe he’ll need those balls after all). A giant metal probe pops out of her ass, which she is going to shove into his mouth. When they are interrupted, she tries to use her ten foot metal tongue (tipped with a little pink real tongue) to accomplish the same feat. Again, all of that actually happened and is just as disturbing as it sounds.

When that fails, The Fallen sends Megatron to capture Sam and stick things in Sam’s nose to pull the information from Sam’s brain. They succeed, but Sam escapes and the Decepticons kill Optimus Prime. This might have been a surprise if this whole film wasn’t about resurrecting the dead. They even use the final shard to revive an ancient transformer, who’s been on Earth for millennia, so he can tell them all about the key. This guy may have been the dumbest thing in the movie. He was disguised as a Blackbird jet (not exactly ancient) hiding in the Smithsonian air and space museum, he walked with a cane, and had a beard. He’s a fucking robot! Why does he have a beard and a cane when the worst that would happen is some rust? You told us (TOLD US) he was old, we don’t need the visual stupidity.

Finally, everyone ends up at the pyramid for the climactic scene, just after Sam’s roommate is Tasered in the nuts and a little gremlin transformer humps Mikaela’s leg. At this point, I realized my wife was gone. I thought that she had gotten fed up with the movie, but it turns out that she had diarrhea. Lucky her, because here is what she missed.

A giant vacuum Decepticon made of several other tractor Decepticons starts eating (and shitting) the great pyramid to uncover the death ray machine. Sam dies, goes to transformer heaven, comes back to life with the help of some pixie dust and brings Optimus back to life. Optimus is the only one who can defeat The Fallen, does so, and the rest of the Decepticons escape. You might think this is the end, but Optimus has to send another message into space before the movie can end. I don’t remember what it was because I was distracted by the rest of the audience clapping. I told you, retarded monkeys.

Rating: Ask for all of your money back because Transformers 3 is only a matter of time.

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