Fans.
Do you really need any tips? You already know what to expect. You've seen your fair share of grindhouse movies. Heck, you've seen an entire apartment building's share of grindhouse flicks. You probably have a framed Planet Terror poster in your basement, if it's not hanging on the ceiling above your bed. You've been patiently waiting for a new grindhouse movie since people - stupidly, in your opinion - didn't flock to see Quentin Tarantino's and Robert Rodriquez's aptly named film Grindhouse back in 2007. Good news, your wait is over. Onslaught isn't a grindhouse movie hiding as a disguised action-thriller like Taken or every John Wick movie. It's loud and proud about its grindhouse-edness. It's got chainsaws, barbecues, gigantic cleavers, assault rifles, Nazi-emblazoned daggers, sawed-off shotguns, splashes of S&M, buckets of blood, and super soldiers resurrected from the dead with a single mission - kill everyone. They also have Vin Diesel's eyes from Pitch Black so they can see in the dark. HIGH FIVE!!
People who don't know what grindhouse is.
If you struggled to get through Taken, you probably want to see any other movie besides Onslaught. Well, maybe not Ice Cream Man. If children-being-turned-homicidal-by-eating-ice-cream isn't grindhouse, it's flirting hard with it. But if you got past the appalling themes of Taken (even more appalling in light of the Epstein revelations) and enjoyed the film, it was probably because of the solid plot or Liam Neeson using his certain skills to mow through some of the worst humans conceivable. There is no such luck with Onslaught. Its plot is bodies, bodies everywhere, and the majority of them are random people in a diner. Onslaught's characters don't have special skills, or a lady with a machine gun leg, or Kurt Russell, to let the audience know that it knows it's in on the joke. What it does have is a bunch of unsympathetic characters...and Reginald VelJohnson...running around a tiny, remote, desert trailer park trying not to be gruesomely murdered. Very seldomly, it makes a half-hearted attempt to wink at the audience with Reginald (playing an old Vietnam War vet) saying something snarky or a drunk sheriff named Kovacks (Eric Wareheim) doing something goofy. But the film quickly pivots back to the carnage every time, lest the audience starts enjoying themselves.
Actors
Michael Biehn - Did you even read the script before accepting the role of random corporate blowhard? Or did you just assume your character would die at some point and that's good enough for you? I get it. You're the Sean Bean of Michael Biehns. And your character died in Planet Terror, so you clearly aren't interested in surviving a grindhouse movie. But you're only on screen for two minutes in Onslaught, giving a performance best described as “If Measles Could Laugh.”
Rebecca Hall - You probably aren't on screen long enough for anyone to notice it's you, which is probably for the best. You've been raking in all kinds of positive accolades over the years for previous works, but I'm guessing doing a role where the most memorable part is a guy in a bald cap licking your high heels isn't going to keep those accolades flowing. Did you nail your part in Onslaught? Sure. Was it worth it? Ehhhhh...
Dan Stevens - You, on the other hand, are perfect for the role you took in Onslaught. You're weird and you embrace it. Playing Dr. Kimmler, a mad German scientist developing super soldiers in secret? Yes, please. I'll never understand the choice to put you in a bald cap and old man makeup, but whatever. If your career can survive playing King Kong's dentist, you'll easily survive a grindhouse flick.
Reginald VelJohnson - Honestly, I'm surprised you're still alive, let alone still acting. I don't mean that in a mean way. It's just to say I consume a lot of movies and TV series and I haven't seen you since Family Matters. But it's very good to see you again and that you understood the assignment in this movie. Care enough to not be killed off in the first ten minutes, but don't care so much you seem desperate to remind everyone that you were Sgt. Al Powell. Well done, sir.
Adria Arjona - It's probably going to be awhile before the stench of Morbius is fully off you. But at least you got a trophy for it, even if it is the Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Supporting Actress. Andor is helping you shed that stink. Though, I wouldn't say you're killing it in Andor. But you've at least taken some lessons learned there into Onslaught. I know that writing and directing are mostly responsible for how your characters come off on screen, but you might want to start portraying more sympathetic characters if you want to have more of a career than Onslaught 2 or Michelle Rodriguez's broody body double.
Characters
Dr. Hans Kimmler, mad scientist (Stevens) - It's a coin flip if you'll live through this film. Bad guys tend to end up dead by the hands of the hero, but sometimes they get to escape to try their evil again in a sequel or three. But keep your hubris in check. You might think you have everything under control, but when has resurrecting dead soldiers and science-ing them into mindless killing machines ever worked out? All I'm saying is if you specifically designed them to be all but impossible to kill, they probably aren't as dead as the machine says they are.
Hanna Kimmler, wife of the mad scientist (Hall) - Being the wife of the mad scientist is dicey. Those ladies tend to end up as collateral damage when the mad scientist finally gets his comeuppance. You're clearly the boss of him, but if you're the boss of everyone, you've got a much better chance.
Celeste, veteran army soldier (Arjona) - The main character of films usually gets to live, but grindhouse movies sometimes upend that trope. You seem to be kind of a bad ass, at least as far as one can be who is the landlord of a six-unit trailer park, who shoots jack-o-lanterns in the desert to reduce stress. But your fighting skills leave a lot to be desired. In a flashback, you beat your fellow soldier by kicking him in the nuts. That's not impressive at all. You also have a gun cabinet in your trailer stuffed with weaponry, including a fully-automatic rifle, but your first choice is a pistol when you hear gunshots? Your adolescent, estranged daughter is washing your piles of unattended dirty dishes. You don't make good choices. But you're a mom and a vet with PTSD. That character is almost contractually required to survive, even in grindhouse.
Daisy, Celeste's daughter (Blake Kennedy) - You're a kid, you have nothing to worry about. Even in a movie with indiscriminate killing machines turning a diner/gas station into a meat grinder, kids get a free pass. It'll be scary, sure. But you are walking out of that trailer park with your mom or Josiah or both.
Josiah, Vietnam War vet in a leg brace (VelJohnson) - you're probably the inexplicable survivor. If smoking isn't going to kill you, a genetically-modified, chainsaw wielding freak certainly won't. It's not a guarantee, so don't get cocky. The wizened old guy can also be the sacrificial lamb that gives his life to take out the monsters and save the hero. You have a gun, right? What am I thinking; of course you have a gun. And it'll be a grizzled kind of gun, just like you. Sawed-off shotgun, old hunting rifle, rusty-old .45-caliber six-shooter. Just survive, man.
Cryus, the fixer (Drew Stakey) - you're the wild card and we don't really know whose side you're on. Are you being sent in to take out the monsters? Or are you Tommy Lee Jones in No Country For Old Men? You know what I mean - the guy following the killer who's always two steps behind the action and shows up just in time to find the problem resolved and the credits rolling. You sure look cool, what with your sorta-mohawk, slick clothes, and assassin vibe. If you get there during the climax, you might end up a blood splatter on the side of a double-wide. Hard to say since we never see or hear what your skills actually are. If you get there after the climax, be careful what you say to the survivors. They're still on an adrenaline high and probably wielding a very deadly weapon dripping-with-blood.
Three genetically modified zombie super soldiers - You're going to die. It's just a question of how. That's how this works. Welcome to grindhouse.
Rating: You should definitely ask for some money back. Grindhouse fans less than the rest of us because you already know what to expect.
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