“F1® The Movie” - Wonderboy.

You’re probably going to see a bunch of reviews describing F1® The Movie as predictable and formulaic. Many will call it predictable, but that’s lazy because sports movies are always predictable. Others will call it formulaic, which is also lazy (all movies are formulaic), but also because they can’t resist bad puns (in case you don’t know, the F in F1 stands for formula). Ironically, F1 is formulaic. I don’t say that because it follows the standard racing movie formula (and it does). I say it because it’s The Natural on wheels.

In F1, young Sonny Hayes (Brad Pitt) was going to be the best there ever was. After showing off a bit, he suffers a near-fatal life-changing injury. For a couple of decades after that, he disappears, occasionally racing in random places, and finally gets another shot at the biggest stage in racing - the F1 circuit with the APX team. Once there, he has to contend with the resident and younger star Joshua Pearce (Damson Idris). As the season progresses, Hayes wins over the fans and the racing team, while also having to contend with a meddlesome journalist. In addition, one of the team’s owners wants to force another owner, Ruben Cervantes (Javier Bardem) to sell his stake (as long as they don’t win a race, the sale will happen). Near the end and riding high, Hayes suffers another injury that looks like his permanent end but grits his teeth and performs in the final race. Sound familiar? Would you be surprised at all if it were revealed Hayes scratched a lightning bolt on the side of his car and named it Wonderboy?

Before you scream SPOILERS!! at me, I did warn you in the first paragraph. And unless you’ve never seen a sports movie, don’t act surprised. Sports movies are always about underdogs. They always feature someone being redeemed. They always feature some form of rival. And they nearly always end with the underdog winning unless it’s Rocky Balboa’s first title fight or the Mystery, Alaska hockey team playing the New York Rangers. And even in those cases, they still won while losing. People generally don’t like that there was no joy in Mudville. So don’t pretend there’s a chance F1 ends with Hayes and/or Pearce dying in a fiery crash and Ruben forced out and bankrupt.

Besides, there are plenty of good things about this movie that provide reason to watch. Obviously, one is Brad Pitt. He’s very easy on the eyes, confirmed by Pearce’s mother (Sarah Niles) when she first lays eyes on a large poster of Hayes and mildly grosses out her son with her comments. But Pitt can also be relied on to always deliver a good, if not great, performance. Some might complain that Pitt always just plays himself, to which I reply - yeah, exactly. Isn’t that like complaining about pizza always being pizza?

You know who else is really easy on the eyes and gives a great performance? Damson Idris. Pearce is cocky, arrogant, entitled, and wildly talented. He’s essentially younger Hayes, which is another staple of sports movies like this, including...wait for it...The Natural. Idris delivers a performance that nails all of those character traits, then nails Pearce’s character growth through Pearce’s very strong story arc. It’s so well done you’ll go from wanting someone on the pit crew to hit him with a wrench to kinda, sorta rooting for him to win the last race. Don’t worry, that’s not a spoiler. Hayes and Pearce both participate in the races and only one of them has to win to save Ruben’s ownership. You’ll be rooting for both of them in the end, I promise.

You know who else is really easy on the eyes and gives a great performance? Kerry Condon. She plays Kate McKenna, a former aerospace engineer and the team’s technical director. McKenna is the brains behind the team and the design of the car. She’s also the love interest, but the screenplay doesn’t turn her into the wide-eyed damsel pining for Hayes. Perhaps the best scene of the film features McKenna expertly handling her two head-butting drivers in a friendly game of poker to determine which driver gets to be the primary driver in an upcoming race. It’s the kind of scene and performance that confirms why she was nominated for an Academy Award (The Banshees of Inisherin).

You know who else is really easy on the eyes and gives a great performance? Just kidding, I’ll stop now. And, yes, Javier Bardem gives a great performance; not sure about the other part. Sorry Javy, you’re no Brad Pitt.

Actually, you know what else is easy on the eyes and performs great? All of the racing stuff and not just the racing scenes themselves (which are really cool). While the story is completely fictional, the filmmakers went to great lengths to showcase much of what goes into an F1 racing team. The technology alone is staggering for what seems like such a simple sport - to drive a car really fast. From wind tunnels, to racing simulators, to an operations room and team that looks like it’s going to launch rockets to the moon, to the various components of the cars, it’s mind-boggling to realize it’s all done to gain a few seconds of time. And for the low, low cost of a $50-$150 million dollars per year.

F1 does all the right things. Not only does it check all the boxes of a good summer blockbuster - good action, beautiful people, excellent visual effects. It checks all the boxes of movies that you’ll watch multiple times - good storytelling, well-developed characters, smart dialogue, and excellent performances. I knew next to nothing about F1 before this film and now I’m far more interested in the entirety of it.

Rating: Ask for the low, low cost of zero dollars back.

“Dune: Part Two” - Sand-witches.

It dawned on me that Dune: Part 2 is the first of two movies this year that will feature sandworms. I’m certain that Dune: Part 2 will be the better one, though that isn’t saying much considering the second one is Beetlejuice Beetlejuice. No, that isn’t a typo, that’s really the title. Apparently, whoever came up with that title isn’t aware that it takes saying Beetlejuice three times to summon Beetlejuice. Or…they’re TOO aware, and they know exactly what they’re doing. What was I saying? Oh yeah - sandworms.

The moment in Dune: Part Two when Paul Attreides (Timothee Chalamet) rides a sandworm for the first time made a light bulb go on in my head - that filmmakers should have leaned into immersive sound rather than 3-D visuals two decades ago. I don’t know if the particular theater I was in just had the sound turned up to Marty McFly levels or if the seats were somehow wired into the sound system, but it felt like I was riding the sandworm alongside Paul. It was awesome and all theaters should do this. And it was like that in other scenes, too. I could feel the chopping of the ornithopters blades and the rumbling of the spice harvesters. It was everything 3-D was aiming for without having to put an accessory on my face. I imagine the sound might cause some queasiness and headaches for some people (just like with 3-D), but at least the sandworm ride is worth puking for.

As for the rest of the movie, it was just awesome. When we last saw Paul at the end of Part One, he was...um, in the desert with Chani (Zendaya). That was honestly all I could remember when Part Two started and my mind was racing to try to recall more details. Luckily, Princess Irulan (Florence Pugh) journals. Reading as she writes, she helpfully recalls the events of Part One and in an organic way rather than the film lazily splashing title cards up during the opening. Director Denis Villeneuve was definitely paying attention during film class.

As we open Part Two, the Harkonnen’s now control the planet Arrakis and its unique resource, melange (spice). Glossu Harkonnen (Dave Bautista) governs the planet and is trying to stop the constant Fremen raids that interrupt spice production. Paul and his mother Jessica (Rebecca Ferguson) live among the desert Fremen people. Paul assists with raids and Jessica manipulates the Fremen into seeing Paul as a prophesied savior. Jessica is also pregnant with a girl that she literally talks with throughout the film. If you didn’t already think this movie was weird, wait until you see a bunch of shots of a fetus in-utero.

That is basically the movie. At a nearly three-hour runtime, that might sound a bit long and boring, but the excellent pacing and phenomenal cinematography make the film seem brisk. And don’t underestimate the intrigue of the story. Dune is Game of Thrones in space, with some Gladiator thrown in. Families jockeying for control where one family is seemingly benevolent while another is ruthless and cunning. On top of that, there is a religious sect quietly manipulating events; in Dune’s case, they are the Bene Gesserit (including Jessica), a group comprised entirely of women and talk in the ways of magic. You know...witches.

Speaking of witch...Jessica is my favorite character. Among an amazing cast of actors all nailing their performances, Ferguson tops them all. Through two films, Jessica has gone from devoted wife and meek member of the witch order to a kingmaker, a leader, and person whose eyes contain an intensity that would make a sandworm flee in terror. Part One kept her somewhat subdued, only hinting at her power, intelligence, and maybe even possible malice. Part Two has those things on full display, including a telepathic stare-down with the head Bene Gesserit reverend mother, Gaius (Charlotte Rampling), where Jessica taunts Gaius with her and Paul’s success.

The twist in the overarching story is that Jessica has been secretly training Paul in the ways of the Bene Gesserit (which we also saw in Part One). Paul’s additional abilities allow him to gain the trust of the Fremen, including tribal leader Stilgar (Javier Bardem), and aid in his abilities to do things that should kill him. All of this comes to a crescendo involving another Harkonnen son, Feyd-Rautha (Austin Butler).

The results of this training allow Chalamet to finally explore and portray the multi-faceted Paul. Like Jessica, Paul starts out as the good son to his father, doing everything a prince is supposed to do, only to later morph into a potential god-king. Chalamet exudes every bit of those facets in Paul, as well as inheriting and exhibiting his mother’s dagger-staring eyes. It’s chilling and awe-inspiring to see two actors so able to convey emotions with nothing more than facial expressions.

The only criticism I have of Part Two is that it’s such an amazing watch that I’m annoyed I have to wait for Part 3 (Messiah). While Part Two completes the adaptation of Frank Herbert’s original novel, the film (like the book) leaves subplots unresolved, tantalizing us with what’s to come. Just like the three-year wait for Part Two, it’ll be a long, hard wait. But it’ll be worth it to see, and maybe even feel, more death glares from Jessica.

Rating: Worth double the cost of the amazing Dune popcorn bucket you simply cannot pass up.

“The Little Mermaid (2023)” - The Voice.

With the release of the live-action remake of The Little Mermaid, Disney will almost assuredly see its last billion-dollar box office remake of a beloved classic. Like The Lion King, Aladdin, and Beauty and the Beast before it, The Little Mermaid will benefit from my generation reminiscing about the good ol’ late 1980s and early 1990s. Among the many things we remember as children during that time was enjoying the animated film renaissance that began with The Little Mermaid in 1989. No price is too high to pay to try to recapture that feeling.

In terms of Disney animated movies people will pay to see remade, those four are gimmes while the rest are a coin flip, if not a straight *raspberry noise.* Remakes of Alice in Wonderland and The Jungle Book wound up around $1 billion at the box office and it goes downhill fast after that. Think I’m exaggerating? Name the Disney animated feature that was released immediately prior to the original The Little Mermaid. Or immediately after the original The Lion King, for that matter. Exactly. My cousin remembers Oliver & Company in 1988 and few remember Pocahontas in 1995. And none of them want to see a live-action remake of either of them. The upcoming Snow White & the Seven Dwarves has a chance, but I’ll take the under.

Because Disney wanted to make sure they got every last dollar out of our nostalgia with zero risk, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, and The Lion King were near carbon copies of the originals. Wouldn’t want to offend our inner children, right? The Little Mermaid is no different. There are slight tweaks to a few of the familiar scenes, as well as a couple new scenes featuring new songs (from Lin-Manuel Miranda and Alan Menken). And much to our chagrin, they cut out the scene where Chef Louis tries to cook Sebastian while singing “Les Poissons.” But the rest of the film is exactly how we remember it.

As with the other three “big four” movies, The Little Mermaid suffers from not being animated, losing much of the charm from the original. It’s weird to say that about a movie that is stuffed full of CGI, but here we are. It’s not that they couldn’t have recaptured it, but one reason they don’t is that they keep making the same bad decision to make the animals look as real as possible. In the animated versions, all of the creatures are drawn with human characteristics - eyebrows and human mouths, for example - in order for them to be more expressive.

Take Flounder for example. We don’t have to hear what cartoon Flounder is saying to know whether he is happy, sad, scared, or determined. It’s right there on his face. Conversely, CGI Flounder is an expressionless fish who emotes exclusively through dialogue. When we describe an actor as wooden, CGI Flounder epitomizes that description. To be fair, Scuttle (the seagull) and Sebastian (the crab) come off a lot better than Flounder does. But, Scuttle and Sebastian have the advantage of jointed limbs and charismatic actors voicing them (Awkwafina and Daveed Diggs, respectively) to cover for the lack of human facial traits. Sebastian also has cartoonish eyes that provide a bit of additional expression, which proves that the other characters could also have been embellished with CGI.

On the human side, Javier Bardem’s King Triton is about as wooden as they come. Sure, Bardem looks like he’s expressing the same emotions we saw 1989 Triton exhibit, but he’s not convincing at all. Look no further than the scene where Triton destroys Ariel’s treasure room. We’re supposed to believe he’s in a rage, but that’s just the laser-shooting trident talking. Triton seems mostly just annoyed in the same way I am when my son won’t put down his iPad and clean up his dishes. Maybe if I had a magic trident...

The other three main actors gave solid performance, though again, nothing that really stands out. If anything, they seem to be doing everything in their power to mimic their predecessors. Halle Bailey (Ariel) has a gorgeous singing voice and sounds very much like a sixteen-year-old girl. Jonah Hauer-King (Prince Eric) looks like what a CGI version of animated Prince Eric would look like, while delivering perhaps the sincerest performance of anyone in the film. Finally, we have Melissa McCarthy delivering an Ursula that is such a spot-on impression of Pat Carroll (the original voice of Ursula) that I’d believe McCarthy literally has the soul of Carroll possessing her.

When it comes to remakes, The Little Mermaid is among the better remakes, though it’s also among the less interesting. The CGI effects and scenery are breathtakingly gorgeous, especially the aesthetics of the mer-people. The story and its beats are identical to the original, which is good for those who’ve never seen the original and comforting at best for those who have. You’ll find yourself happily singing along with the old songs, but instantly forgetting all but one of the new songs (“The Scuttlebutt” sung by Diggs and Awkwafina). And there is somehow fifty-three more minutes of new movie that adds absolutely nothing to the story, not even a subplot. All of that put together leaves your nostalgia intact unless you really, really miss hearing “Les Poissons.”

Rating: Don’t ask for any money back because you knew Disney would play this one straight.

“Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile” - You’re right, no human being would stack books like that.

Raise your hand if you’ve heard of the children’s book Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile. Okay...raise your hand if you’ve heard of the upcoming film of the same title. Ummm...raise your hand just so I know you are still conscious. Phew! You had me worried for a minute.

I didn’t know the book existed either until I Googled it, after my son said the film’s title sounded like a kid’s book. Turns out the book is the second in a series of books featuring Lyle, a friendly crocodile living in New York City. Curiously, the Wikipedia page for the series contains a total of eleven sentences despite the book (and series) supposedly being a best-seller, as well as being previously adapted by HBO (in 1987). Wikipedia calls minimal pages like this a stub, which translates to “we’ve never heard of it either.”

(Side note: For comparison’s sake, the Wikipedia page for the word “the” is far more robust than that of the Lyle series, meaning the word “the” is more interesting to people than an alleged best-selling book series.)

Unfortunately for Sony Pictures, Lyle is likely to remain unknown after the film’s release. Lyle is opening against a David O. Russell film (Amsterdam, starring Christian Bale and Margot Robbie), in early October before kids go on fall break, with the final Halloween (Halloween Ends) movie opening a week later. That’s a tough hill to climb for a film adapting a sixty-year-old picture book that nobody knows and even tougher when that film isn’t good enough to get a word-of-mouth boost.

Lyle begins with a long take of aspiring showman Hector Valenti (Javier Bardem) skillfully weaving his way through people and back rooms until he arrives on the stage of a nationally televised talent show, cutting in front of everyone else patiently waiting in line to repeat his already-rejected magic act. It is a very technically sound scene and establishes Valenti as clever, self-serving, and unwilling to take no for an answer. It is, without a doubt, the best scene in the film.

After being thrown out of the theater, Valenti wanders into an exotic pet shop and discovers a tiny singing crocodile (voiced by Shawn Mendes) who Valenti names Lyle. Thinking Lyle is his ticket to fame and fortune, Valenti purchases Lyle, takes Lyle home, and immediately starts working on a duet act, even using the deed to his Brownstone as collateral for a loan to fund the act at a nearby theater. The two hit it off and all the stars seem to be aligned for their debut to be a smashing success.

Finally, the curtain raises on the show, Valenti bursts into their opening number, and Lyle...gets stage fright, barely utters a peep, and the two are laughed off the stage. In a rage, Valenti drags Lyle to a nearby tailor’s shop where Lyle is turned into a pile of belts and boots and sold to the theater owner to pay back Valenti’s loan. The end.

Just kidding. This is a children’s book, remember? What actually happens is Valenti abandons Lyle, leaving Lyle - the equivalent of an adolescent child in this story - alone in the attic of the Brownstone to fend for himself. No, seriously...that really happens. What do you think about THAT, kids?!

The film then jumps ahead eighteen months, where we meet the Primm family - dad Joseph (Scoot McNairy), stepmom Katie (Constance Wu), and young son Josh (Winslow Fegley) - moving into the Brownstone. Each of the Primms has a problem they must overcome, which can only be done by meeting their worst nightmare - an anthropomorphic crocodile living in the attic.

Josh is terrified of everyone and everything in the city, but one night of dumpster diving with Lyle turns Josh into Johnny Manhattan. Joseph’s math students at his new school bully him, but one night of wrestling with Lyle reminds Joseph that whistles are really loud and blowing a whistle at the students instantly gets them to behave. Katie has forgotten the joys of cooking food that isn’t one hundred percent pure health-food, but one afternoon of baking a cake with Lyle reminds her that crocodiles are excellent chefs. Problems all solved. The end.

Just kidding. Despite this film ostensibly being based on just the first two books of the series, it plays out like it’s based on all of the books. After the Primms conquer their issues, the film pivots to another subplot involving their jerk neighbor in the basement, Mr. Grumps (Brett Gelman). Mr. Grumps is developed exactly as deep as his name, looking for any reason to have the Primms evicted. Meanwhile, Valenti reenters the film, inviting himself to stay with the Primms and reheating his own subplot of getting rich off Lyle (again). Valenti appears not to have changed even the tiniest bit while off-screen for eighteen months, so not even the four-year-olds in the audience are surprised to find him trying to coerce Lyle back onto the stage.

Due to the volume of subplots incorporated into the film, the rest of the film suffers from underdevelopment. There is no main plot to speak of, the characters are reduced to a name and whatever their problem is, and even the subplots themselves are little more than anecdotes. In turn, that leads to performances that are forgettable at best, as well as a terrible singing performance from whomever Wu was lip-syncing to during the cake-baking scene and dancing from Bardem that is more disturbing than anything he did in No Country for Old Men.

If Lyle has one saving grace, it’s that adults aren’t the target audience, kids are. When my ten-year-old son was asked what he thought about it, he gave it an eight out of ten. His reasons were because he liked the beat-boxing rattlesnake and laughed at the pooping cat. Nor did it bother him that Lyle understood English and could sing, yet also couldn’t speak. He even gleaned a theme from this mess of a movie - change is hard. And isn’t that kind of the point of children’s books and movies? To teach kids a moral lesson? Even if they have to surround it with crocodile farts? Lyle may be the equivalent of someone pushing over a loaded bookshelf, but if it makes my son smile, I’ll take what I can get.

Rating: Ask for half your money back and give it to your kid.