“Wonka” - Life is like a box of chocolates.

It’s the holidays and you know what that means...mystery chocolates. I suppose it’s also a time for family and gifts and arguments. But nothing gets the adrenaline going like examining the box of chocolates that mysteriously only materializes on holidays, hoping the picture on the inside of the lid is telling the truth about the insides of the chocolates, and scrutinizing every wrinkle of chocolate on that morsel two from the left that isn’t a perfect match to the picture. Best to just take a deep breath and hope that wrinkle isn’t bourn of coconut.

The box of chocolates this year is called Wonka. Based on the new film Wonka, the box promises a variety of flavors from chocolate to vanilla to magic to indentured servants to songs to cartoonish villains to more chocolate. The box also features a name and description for each type of chocolate found in the box. The box itself is gorgeously decorated. So, I took a deep breath and started trying them.

The first one is labelled “The Opening Number.” The box tells me it’s a song sung by Willy Wonka (Timothee Chalamet) upon arriving in a town that may or not be European, this chocolate is one of several that tastes like music in your mouth. It’s perfectly round with no identifying frills or markings and tastes like vanilla. The box appears to have five or six more chocolates that look just like it.

The next one says “Scrubbits.” A surprise for your palette, this piece is inspired by innkeepers that always have a room available for a downtrodden traveler. It features two faces on it, one named Mrs. Scrubbit (Olivia Colman) and the other named Bleacher (Tom Davis). The box wasn’t kidding about this one being a surprise. It tastes like ham, but well-seasoned ham.

The next three are all shaped like eggs and richly colored. The yellow one with the plaid print is called “Prodnose” (Matt Lucas). The grey one painted like a suit jacket is called “Fickelgruber” (Mathew Baynton). And the blue one with pin stripes is called “Slugworth” (Paterson Joseph). The description is the same for each: Whether eaten individually or as a group, these bad eggs will attack your palette. Fickelgruber and Prodnose both have a bland nougat center and taste like a 3 Musketeers bar that has seen at least three Halloweens. On the other hand, Slugworth is filled with a gooey cherry concoction that practically explodes when eaten. It’s a very loud, flamboyant flavor that isn’t trying to be subtle at all. I mostly like it, but it’s a bit over the top.

Another round one, this time named “Song Number 2.” No description. It tastes like the first round one and I have no urge to sing. Not even hum.

There are five chocolates arranged in a circle around a large, spectacular chocolate (called Willy Wonka). We’ll come back to that large one in a minute. The five are each shaped like their names - “Noodle” (Calah Lane), “Abacus” (Jim Carter), “Piper” (Natasha Rothwell), “Bell” (Rakhee Thakrar), and “Chucklesworth” (Rich Fulcher). These uniquely shaped chocolates pair well with Willy Wonka. Aside from their shapes, there is little else of note about them, especially flavor, except Noodle. There is a bit of texture to Noodle’s insides, but not enough to matter.

This next one is painted like a badge and called “Key-stone Kop.” This delectable police chief (Keenan-Michael Key) will tickle your taste buds. It tastes is kind of funny. Not haha funny, but I-see-what-you-are-going-for-there amusing.

A third round one. Or sixth. I’ve lost count, I don’t bother reading the names, and they all taste the same. I think. It’s hard to remember what any of them tasted like.

The next one is was teased on the outside of the box. Called “Lofty” (Hugh Grant), it is colored orange and green. Lofty tastes like how we imagine an Oompa Loompa smells...delightful! Upon splitting open the candy, it smells like orange sherbet, but in a pompously British kind of way. The box was right - it is delightful. Too bad there isn’t more in the box.

There are two chocolates left. I save that big one for last, and pick up the one that has a book on it and is called “The Story.” Like the 3-Course Dinner chewing gum that turned Violet into a blueberry, The Story offers you a variety of flavors that perfectly complement each other. Upon examination of the chocolate, a couple of small holes reveal themselves. One is leaking chocolate syrup and part of the shell is really thin. Also, there’s a bizarre shaped appendage hanging off one side for no reason. I try not to think about the flaws and quickly eat it so I can get to the real reason I opened the box.

Finally, “Willy Wonka.” It’s beautiful. I just want to stare in its eyes forever. Willy Wonka is inspired by the original recipe we created in 1971. We poured our hearts and souls into getting Willy Wonka just right. All five of your senses will savor Willy Wonka or your money back. Confirmed. Rarely is anything as good or better than the original, but this Willy Wonka comes close.

Rating: Ask for three dollars back. Some of it should be more memorable than it is.

“Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves” - A campaign worth playing.

The last serious attempt at a Dungeons & Dragons movie was in 2000, resulting in a critical and commercial bomb (10% on Rotten Tomatoes, grossing just $33.8 million on a $45 million budget) and a legion of angry dungeon masters. Impossibly, two direct-to-DVD sequels were filmed and released in 2005 and 2012, presumably as a prank on nerds. Now that Stranger Things has helped to rehabilitate the image of Dungeons & Dragons, Hollywood decided to roll its twenty-sided dice on another serious attempt at bringing D&D to the silver screen.

The reason Hollywood wants another go at a Dungeons & Dragons film (and potential franchise) is the built-in audience of tens of millions of current D&D players. The tightrope Hollywood must walk is not pissing all over those players’ game the way the 2000 movie emptied its bladder on them. In a sign of good faith, Paramount Pictures and Entertainment One spent $151 million to ensure Honor Among Thieves respects those players and their beloved game. For that amount of money, Honor Among Thieves should be a campaign for the ages.

Since I have played exactly no games of D&D, I cannot tell if the movie satisfies D&D fans with its fan service components. For that matter, I’m not even sure which components are purely fan service. The amount I know about D&D can fit comfortably in a thimble. Whoops - that’s a Monopoly reference. See what I mean? But it looked and sounded like there were a ton of winks and nods to fans. The film’s heroes reference past campaigns and locations and individuals at a furious pace. As little as I know, even I recognized the name Baldur’s Gate, though I haven’t the foggiest idea how or why. And of course, there are dungeons and there are dragons.

Thanks to Stranger Things, I am at least familiar with the basic structure of every D&D campaign. A dungeon master acts as storyteller and host to a party of adventurers who go on a quest. In Honor Among Thieves, Edgin Darvis (Chris Pine) acts as the dungeon master, though he is also one of the adventurers. Throughout the film, Edgin provides exposition and back story while also gathering a party to complete his personal campaign. I assume this is a good thing and mirrors other campaigns because Edgin pretty much never stops talking.

The main quest is Edgin reuniting his family. He seeks a tablet that can be used to resurrect his murdered wife and must also convince his estranged daughter Kira (Chloe Coleman) to come home with him. The very short backstory is Edgin became a thief after the death of his wife, culminating in his arrest and imprisonment and Kira becoming a ward of the Lord of Neverwinter, Forge Fitzwilliam (Hugh Grant). Forge was part of Edgin’s original party that attempted to steal the tablet, Forge betraying Edgin with the help of a Red Wizard named Sofina (Daisy Head) and taking the tablet, along with a bunch of treasure for himself. I promise that really is the short version and would sound a lot cooler if you imagine me wearing a robe, holding a staff, and waving my arms around theatrically.

The party Edgin assembles for the quest sounds as D&D as one can imagine. There is a barbarian named Holga Kilgore (Michelle Rodriguez), a paladin named Xenk Yendar (Rege-Jean Page), a sorcerer named Simon Aumar (Justice Smith), and a shapeshifting druid named Doric (Sophia Lillis). They’re all part of guilds or descended from someone important and each has a special talent that is required for them to complete the quest. If you have questions about them, just be patient. Edgin will explain everything and everyone.

Like any good quest, the adventurers must first find a couple of special items before they can confront the final boss. These little side quests are what makes this movie fun. One quest leads them to a graveyard and some fun laughs. Another leads them to an underground city filled with action and a fat dragon. If this is what a real-life D&D campaign looks like, I’ve been missing out.

Like any action movie with this many moving parts, there are flaws. Sofina is underdeveloped and her motivation is very generic. The conclusion includes a component that is far too predictable. And Xenk and Doric are underused, especially Xenk, who just leaves them after a side quest. Fortunately, the rest of the movie is strong enough to prevent these flaws from impacting the overall product.

While Honor Among Thieves isn’t so great it makes me want to get into LARPing, it was good enough that I want there to be a sequel. Maybe even play a game or two. I quite enjoyed the story and performances. The actors were clearly enjoying themselves, even Michelle Rodriguez who in most movies appears to be pissed off at someone or something just off screen. It’s a very entertaining film that understands what it is, but doesn’t lean so far into it that falls into a pile of Funyuns in its mom’s basement. The roll of the dice came up favorably.

Rating: Don’t ask for any money back or you’ll anger the dungeon master.

“The Gentlemen” - Travel well indeed.

Guy Ritchie needed a win. After the success of his two Sherlock Holmes films in 2009 and 2011, people largely ignored the very good The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (2015), King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (2017) was an unmitigated disaster, and the Aladdin remake (2019) was a pile of shit that was only successful because certain nostalgia is as potent as heroin. Taking that nostalgia as a hint, Ritchie decided to go back to his roots by making another film in the same vein as the two that put him on the map (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch). Full disclosure: I have never actually seen Snatch or Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. I probably should. Now that I have seen The Gentlemen, I have an idea what those other two are like.

One filmmaking technique I go back forth between hating and liking is starting a movie by showing us something from the middle or end of the story. The Usual Suspects employs one of the best uses of it and John Wick easily has one of the worst. Context is key. It works in The Usual Suspects because we want to find out the identity of Keyser Soze. It utterly fails in John Wick because we know John is not going to die. The Gentlemen starts with drug lord Mickey Pearson (Matthew McConaughey) sitting in a pub, talking to his wife, Rosalind (Michelle Dockery) over the phone. Behind him, a man with a gun walks up, the camera cuts to the table in front of him, then we hear a muffled gunshot and see blood spray across the table. Immediately, two thoughts race through your brain. One - did they just kill Matthew McConaughey? Two - there is no way they just killed Matthew McConaughey. Right?

You think he'll mind that we used his Lincoln for this?

Long ago, my wife taught me one of the cardinal rules of filmmaking - if you didn’t actually see the death, it didn’t actually happen. That is not to say characters are not killed off-screen sometimes. It is to say that an off-screen death can always and easily be undone. The Gentlemen puts this idea front and center. On one hand, McConaughey is the lead in the film, and he is Matthew McConaughey, so we immediately doubt that he is dead. On the other hand, he is playing a drug lord, so it is very conceivable that the story ends with his death. At this point, we don’t know if Pearson is good or bad or even know the fact that he is a drug lord (unless you had that spoiled for you by trailers or IMDb). All we know is the guy from the Lincoln ads appears to have taken a bullet to the brain.

In order to sell the mystery of the opening scene, the story is presented to us in the form of paparazzo Fletcher (Hugh Grant) and Pearson’s right-hand man, Raymond (Charlie Hunnam), walking us through the events leading up Pearson’s shooting. All of the events are the result of Pearson deciding to sell his marijuana business to American drug lord Matthew Berger (Jeremy Strong) and another aspiring drug lord, Dry Eye (Henry Golding), wanting to get in on the action. Fletcher has a bunch of incriminating evidence of Pearson and Raymond’s operations, including plenty of associated crimes, and decides to blackmail Raymond for £20 million. Raymond patiently listens as Fletcher recounts events and we, the audience, are treated to a very entertaining film.

He is definitely dead. Unless he isn't.

Plenty of credit goes to Ritchie, as this genre is his wheelhouse, but the film really works because of the performances. Hunnam and Grant are wonderful together, bantering and toying with each other throughout the film. Golding and Strong provide great contrasts in character to each other and Pearson, all three of them giving us a different type of character. Colin Farrell, playing a boxing coach whose students accidentally get them all caught up in the mix, steals every scene he is in. Dockery makes a case that she is the real power behind Mickey’s throne, standing out as the alpha in her every scene. And then of course, McConaughey. Pearson is an Oxford-educated, well-spoken kingpin, who is every bit as intimidating when calm as he is when his emotions break free. He is every bit the guy driving the Lincoln, as well as that same guy in the unaired commercials that murders passing-lane cruisers that cut him off while texting.

More often than not, I am not a fan of gangster flicks. Usually, it is films like The Irishman or The Departed or American Gangster that turn me off to the genre. Films that take themselves way too seriously; where violence seems to be the key focus of the film. Basically, movies that are no fun whatsoever. I gravitate towards the ones that are either very clever or have a sense of humor or, best of all, both. The Usual Suspects is the epitome of clever. Pulp Fiction has a sense of humor and is clever sometimes, though really tests the audience with the rape dungeon (and let’s be honest - the primary appeal of Pulp Fiction is much more the format of the movie than the story it tells). Over the years, I have found that British gangster films are my favorite because they are almost always clever and funny and The Gentlemen is definitely both. I am still patiently waiting for Sherlock Holmes 3, but The Gentlemen is worth the delay.

Rating: Do not ask for any money back unless you are still annoyed that Ritchie wasted our time with Aladdin.