“Wish” - A very Disney movie.

Once upon a time, a magical company called Disney was celebrating its one-hundredth anniversary. They created countless commemorative merchandise, erected gold statues of beloved characters throughout their theme parks, and debuted their latest thrill ride - Tron Lightcycle Power Run - in the Magic Kingdom. But to truly celebrate such a momentous milestone, they needed an animated movie that would resonate with people the way all of their classic films have.

“Our hundredth anniversary is coming up and we need a movie that is unmistakably Disney. Ideas?” said Studio Executive.

“How unmistakable? Like, a new full-length Mickey Mouse film?” answered Writer 1.

“Way too Disney,” remarked Studio Executive.

“A Steamboat Willy remake?” offered Writer 2.

“Too old,” replied Studio Executive.

“Frozen 3?” suggested Writer 2.

“Thanksgiving, 2025,” responded Studio Executive. “I wish we could move it up, but we already told all the investors that was our target date.”

“That’s it!” exclaimed Writer 1.

“What’s it?” asked Writer 2.

“WISH!” shouted Writer 1.

“You mean like our new cruise ship?” said Studio Executive.

“No, a movie about wishes,” said Writer 1.

“We already did Aladdin,” said Writer 2.

“No, no. A movie about wishing on a star,” answered Writer 1.

“You mean Pinocchio?” retorted Writer 2, wryly.

“I mean a movie where we turn the lyrics of the Disney theme song into a film,” stated Writer 1.

“I like it,” smiled Studio Executive. “Lean back into the idea that Disney makes wishes come true. Now that we have a premise, make sure you cram as many Disney easter eggs in there as you can. I believe in you all.”

Thus, the movie Wish was born and the writers got to straight to work creating a film that could never be mistaken for something other than Disney. First, they created the island Kingdom of Rosas, complete with a castle, surrounding town, subjects, and a forest. Then, they created King Magnifico (Chris Pine) and Queen Amaya (Angelique Cabral), the rulers of Rosas. Magnifico is a powerful sorcerer capable of granting wishes and Amaya is also there. Next, they created the princess heroine, Asha (Ariana DeBose), a seventeen-year-old living with her mother and grandfather. Asha works in the castle bakery and aspires to be the sorcerer’s apprentice. Wink, wink.

With the main characters identified, the writers focused on creating sidekicks. The easy ones were the rest of the bakery workers. They definitely had names that were definitely memorable. And faces too. In fact, one of them may or not be Bruno from Encanto. And what Disney classic is complete without an animal sidekick, preferably one that talks? The writers thought and thought and watched past Disney movies and thought some more. Eventually, they settled on a goat called Valentino (Alan Tudyk) who wears pajamas and has a very deep voice. Perfect (for merchandise purposes).

Finally, they came up with a story. At the age of eighteen, the people of Rosas give their most heartfelt wish to Magnifico for safekeeping, with the understanding that Magnifico may someday grant that wish. Upon doing so, they immediately forget what that wish is, thus becoming docile and dependent on Magnifico. During Asha’s apprentice interview, Magnifico reveals to her that most wishes will never be granted because they aren’t what’s best for Rosas and will never be returned to their owners. Asha is horrified and summarily dismissed by Magnifico. Later, Asha wishes on a star and the star anthropomorphizes into a cute little plush doll that flies around granting wishes. Again, perfect.

With all of the basic ingredients of the film done, the writers high-fived each other and filled in all of the details. They shoved in easter eggs from all of the films they had just finished watching. They called up Lin-Manuel Miranda to ask him to write some songs, but it went straight to voicemail. So they called Julia Michaels and Benjamin Rice to write the songs. “Please make them memorable songs,” the writers said. “We still have We Don’t Talk About Bruno eating our brains.”

With the final touches on the film and a happily ever after, the writers sighed, closed their laptops, poured themselves a drink, and toasted to another job well done. Just then, Studio Executive walked in, saw the drinks, and raised an eyebrow.

“Can I assume you finished the screenplay?” asked Studio Executive, pouring himself a drink.

“Sure did chief. It’s got a castle, a teenaged heroine with a dead father, an evil sorcerer, a talking goat, a bunch of new songs about wishing, and even a star that comes to life who has a little face and a big attitude. We call him Star,” answered Writer 1, clinking glasses again with Writer 2.

“And did you pay appropriate homage to Disney film history?” inquired Studio Executive, with an expectant smirk.

“No worries there, sir. We put so many references in that even some of the deep cuts have deep cuts,” smiled Writer 2.

“Excellent. I knew you could never be replaced by AI. You writers are worth every penny,” congratulated Studio Executive.

“Speaking of which...” the writers said.

And on September 27, 2023, the writer’s lived happily ever after.

Rating: Wish for two dollars back.

“Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves” - A campaign worth playing.

The last serious attempt at a Dungeons & Dragons movie was in 2000, resulting in a critical and commercial bomb (10% on Rotten Tomatoes, grossing just $33.8 million on a $45 million budget) and a legion of angry dungeon masters. Impossibly, two direct-to-DVD sequels were filmed and released in 2005 and 2012, presumably as a prank on nerds. Now that Stranger Things has helped to rehabilitate the image of Dungeons & Dragons, Hollywood decided to roll its twenty-sided dice on another serious attempt at bringing D&D to the silver screen.

The reason Hollywood wants another go at a Dungeons & Dragons film (and potential franchise) is the built-in audience of tens of millions of current D&D players. The tightrope Hollywood must walk is not pissing all over those players’ game the way the 2000 movie emptied its bladder on them. In a sign of good faith, Paramount Pictures and Entertainment One spent $151 million to ensure Honor Among Thieves respects those players and their beloved game. For that amount of money, Honor Among Thieves should be a campaign for the ages.

Since I have played exactly no games of D&D, I cannot tell if the movie satisfies D&D fans with its fan service components. For that matter, I’m not even sure which components are purely fan service. The amount I know about D&D can fit comfortably in a thimble. Whoops - that’s a Monopoly reference. See what I mean? But it looked and sounded like there were a ton of winks and nods to fans. The film’s heroes reference past campaigns and locations and individuals at a furious pace. As little as I know, even I recognized the name Baldur’s Gate, though I haven’t the foggiest idea how or why. And of course, there are dungeons and there are dragons.

Thanks to Stranger Things, I am at least familiar with the basic structure of every D&D campaign. A dungeon master acts as storyteller and host to a party of adventurers who go on a quest. In Honor Among Thieves, Edgin Darvis (Chris Pine) acts as the dungeon master, though he is also one of the adventurers. Throughout the film, Edgin provides exposition and back story while also gathering a party to complete his personal campaign. I assume this is a good thing and mirrors other campaigns because Edgin pretty much never stops talking.

The main quest is Edgin reuniting his family. He seeks a tablet that can be used to resurrect his murdered wife and must also convince his estranged daughter Kira (Chloe Coleman) to come home with him. The very short backstory is Edgin became a thief after the death of his wife, culminating in his arrest and imprisonment and Kira becoming a ward of the Lord of Neverwinter, Forge Fitzwilliam (Hugh Grant). Forge was part of Edgin’s original party that attempted to steal the tablet, Forge betraying Edgin with the help of a Red Wizard named Sofina (Daisy Head) and taking the tablet, along with a bunch of treasure for himself. I promise that really is the short version and would sound a lot cooler if you imagine me wearing a robe, holding a staff, and waving my arms around theatrically.

The party Edgin assembles for the quest sounds as D&D as one can imagine. There is a barbarian named Holga Kilgore (Michelle Rodriguez), a paladin named Xenk Yendar (Rege-Jean Page), a sorcerer named Simon Aumar (Justice Smith), and a shapeshifting druid named Doric (Sophia Lillis). They’re all part of guilds or descended from someone important and each has a special talent that is required for them to complete the quest. If you have questions about them, just be patient. Edgin will explain everything and everyone.

Like any good quest, the adventurers must first find a couple of special items before they can confront the final boss. These little side quests are what makes this movie fun. One quest leads them to a graveyard and some fun laughs. Another leads them to an underground city filled with action and a fat dragon. If this is what a real-life D&D campaign looks like, I’ve been missing out.

Like any action movie with this many moving parts, there are flaws. Sofina is underdeveloped and her motivation is very generic. The conclusion includes a component that is far too predictable. And Xenk and Doric are underused, especially Xenk, who just leaves them after a side quest. Fortunately, the rest of the movie is strong enough to prevent these flaws from impacting the overall product.

While Honor Among Thieves isn’t so great it makes me want to get into LARPing, it was good enough that I want there to be a sequel. Maybe even play a game or two. I quite enjoyed the story and performances. The actors were clearly enjoying themselves, even Michelle Rodriguez who in most movies appears to be pissed off at someone or something just off screen. It’s a very entertaining film that understands what it is, but doesn’t lean so far into it that falls into a pile of Funyuns in its mom’s basement. The roll of the dice came up favorably.

Rating: Don’t ask for any money back or you’ll anger the dungeon master.

“Don’t Worry Darling” - Is dinner ready yet?

Don’t Worry Darling is exactly the kind of movie that drove me to writing movie reviews. It’s a movie that is a decent watch the first time, but whose story immediately crumbles to dust upon even the slightest bit of scrutiny. It continues to astound and confound me that stories with plot holes you could fly the Death Star through make it through multiple drafts, are filmed, and get through post-production without at least one semi-conscious person making the obvious change that plugs the hole.

Case in point - Signs. Really, at no point during any stage of production did anyone notice that the entire movie revolves around aliens who are lethally allergic to water invading a planet where seventy-one percent of the surface is covered in water, where the atmosphere also contains plenty of water, and those aliens didn’t bother wearing clothes?

Clearly, I’m going to go into detail on Darling’s plot and its holes, but I’ll get to that a little later. Like I said, it’s a decent watch up until the last ten minutes of the film, when the story reveals its guts to look almost identical to those of Clark Griswold’s Christmas turkey.

Prior to the last ten minutes, the film builds a very intriguing mystery. Alice Chambers (Florence Pugh) and her husband Jack (Harry Styles) live in the perfect version of the idyllic version of 1950s suburban America. And not just the Leave it to Beaver version, but the version where a perfectly dressed and done-up wife opens the door for her husband when he gets home from work, hands him his favorite drink, leads him to the dining room where a freshly prepared, five-course meal sits on the table, then immediately fucks him on said table, meal and fine china be damned. Hehe - Leave it to Beaver, indeed.

Every morning, like every other wife in her cul-de-sac, Alice makes Jack breakfast, prepares his lunch, walks him to his car, kisses him goodbye, and waves, as he and the rest of the husbands drive off to work in a line of color-soaked, 50s-era cars. I agree, it just got weird.

Alice spends the day doing chores that every man of that era expected his wife to do. Clean the house, shop for groceries, gossip with the other ladies, take care of any kids (of which Alice and Jack have none), and repeat the whole dress-drink-dinner-sex thing with a permanent smile. Men are really stupid.

Except, something doesn’t seem quite right to Alice. Perhaps it’s the mundanity or inanity of such a life, but she begins to experience flashes of memories, including a certain song’s melody that she can’t stop humming. One day while riding the town trolley, she sees a plane crash and urges the driver to take her there. Confused and slightly afraid, he refuses to help, so Alice heads out of town on her own, into the California desert, to help any victims. Instead, she stumbles upon the headquarters of the Victory Corporation (the town is also called Victory), then passes out amid hallucinations of eyeballs and synchronized dancers in black and white. I agree, it just got weirder.

From here until the last ten minutes, Alice grows more and more suspicious and paranoid about the situation, including of the town’s founder and spiritual leader, Frank (Chris Pine). Eventually, she begs Jack to escape the town with her and, now, we’re at that ten-minutes-to-go mark.

By this time, the movie has done a good job of building suspense and the audience is definitely on Alice’s side. Everything we’ve seen has drawn us further and further into the mystery and we are all on the edges of our seats in anticipation of the reveal. We’ve also been treated to a stellar performance from Pugh (who absolutely carries this film on her back), exceptional cinematography, and music and sound that escalate the tension, building us toward the answers we are craving. Then, the reveal happens. Even the movie itself seems to know the reveal is bullshit, when after finally giving it to us, it quickly tries to distract us with Alice’s long overdue attempted escape, then cutting to credits before we have time to put our hands up to ask questions. About those questions...

(SPOILER ALERT - *Deep breath*)

First of all, no, Harry Styles was not good. There were moments of potential, but the vast majority of his performance proved that his reason for being in this film was purely based on putting teenage girls’ butts in seats. And it will probably work, at least enough to make the film break even, if not turn a profit. The advanced screening audience was easily ninety percent girls who are not old enough to vote, most of whom were still whooping at the screen when Styles’ named popped up in the end credits. Never mind that he came off like someone who had no idea they were actually in a movie, which only added to how bad he came off in the pre-taped cast interview we were shown prior to the film. When he was asked questions, the look on his face was a mix of confusion and a cry for help, mumbling his way through incoherent sentence fragments until a cast mate or the interviewer bailed him out. I have to believe he’s not allowed to speak at One Direction concerts, just sing.

Unfortunately, Chris Pine wasn’t much better, which was a huge letdown for me. Pine is unconvincing as Frank, lacking all of the charm and charisma that is required of sinister cult-type leaders conning everyone as the town leader and Victory company chairman. Some of this was clearly the fault of the screenplay refusing to use Frank for all but a couple of scenes, but also stems from Olivia Wilde’s direction, or lack thereof. Wilde seemed not to notice Pine delivering a wooden performance or that Frank is a woefully undeveloped character with no motivation. The movie would have been no different had Frank (and Frank’s wife, Shelley, for that matter) been cut out completely and only referred to by the townspeople. And that brings me to the big reveal.

The whole town is nothing but a computer simulation. To be specific, the simulation is specifically for men who want that fantasy version of life that has never, ever existed because the vast majority of women don’t spend every waking moment thinking about how to please men and their dicks. To fulfill the fantasy, Jack and the other men in Victory have drugged and kidnapped their significant others, forcing the women into the simulation without their consent or even their knowledge. Like I said, that in and of itself is not a bad reveal. The problem is just about everything we saw in the movie becomes nonsense in that context.

You see, in real life, Alice is a very busy surgeon and Jack is unemployed. Clearly, Jack’s penis can’t handle this situation. After sinking further and further into depression and diving deeper and deeper into the dark holes of the Internet, he stumbles upon Frank’s software and sermons, eventually buying into the bullshit as a legitimate solution and drugging and kidnapping his own wife.

The more you think about it, the more nonsensical it becomes. The women are in their own beds in their own homes, with little gadgets attached to their eye sockets holding their eyelids open while lasers continually scan their eyeballs. The men are using the gadgets as well, but are doing it willingly, so don’t require the drugs. If the women escaping or finding out the truth is such a huge risk, why isn’t there a secret facility where the women are held prisoner, with experts monitoring various feeds and administering the drugs, and smoking rooms for the men to use to congratulate each other’s testicles when they take a break from the simulation? This scenario is even hinted at when Alice is being electroshocked in attempt to erase and reset her mind, but that means they returned her to her apartment despite clearly being a security threat. And that’s just one question. Here are more of the questions that arise about stuff that defies logic after the reveal.

·         Why were there empty eggshells that one time, but not others, and why were they empty at all?

·         Where did the crashing airplane come from? It wasn’t imagined by Alice because the trolley driver saw it.

·         Was the trolley driver an actual guy in real life? What about the employees in the shopping mall? The band members at the party?

·         Why would all of the husbands need secret jobs when literally any job would make the women less suspicious?

·         Were the walls really smashing Alice? Does the software try to kill drugged users if they start to realize they are in a simulation, like some sort of failsafe? Wouldn’t that cause problems with the husbands?

·         Is Alice trying to subconsciously wake herself up by wrapping her head/face in plastic wrap or submerging her entire self in bathwater? Is that why the walls tried to smash Alice?

·         Why is it possible to die in the simulation?

·         What are the actual rules of this simulation?

·         If they don’t want the women to escape, why isn’t the road to the exit portal walled or fenced off or even guarded at all?

·         Why are all of the guys in red jumpsuits needed to catch people in a simulation?

·         Why does Shelley (Gemma Chan) suddenly kill Frank? Did she know what was going on the whole time or did she suddenly become aware of the simulation as well?

·         What is the significance of Alice’s visions and where are they coming from? They obviously aren’t real, but she also isn’t having visions from her real life.

·         In real life, Alice is an extremely busy surgeon. Are we to believe that everyone in the hospital believed Alice would just quit (assuming that’s what Jack told everyone) and cut off all contact with them? Unfortunately, the logistics of Jack’s abduction are never even hinted at, just that he did them.

There are so many more questions I have along those lines. The entire idea feels half-baked and, despite being an original screenplay, feels like it was adapted from a novel or an episode of The Twilight Zone, but by someone who didn’t bother to read or see the source material. It’s a movie that feels like at least thirty minutes of vitally important scenes were cut from the film. It’s a movie that could have been so much better had anyone just raised their hand and asked any obvious question about a clearly broken plot.

RATING: Ask for half of your money back, even if you only care that Styles is just a pretty face.

“Wonder Woman 1984” - Dick move (or, just fast forward to the good part).

Wretched. I tried to think of the most appropriate adjective to describe Wonder Woman 1984 and…wretched. And I was looking forward to this film. Yes, I know - this is a DCEU movie we are talking about; I should know better. Of the eight prior movies, four of them are completely unwatchable and the other four combined are worth one and a half decent movies. I just figured since Birds of Prey was at least an entertaining movie and Wonder Woman’s second act was solid, that Wonder Woman 1984 would be entertaining and kind of solid. Nope. Wretched.

(SPOILER ALERT - You can thank me later.)

Like the first installment, Wonder Woman 1984 starts with a scene on Wonder Woman’s (Gal Gadot) home island when she is a young girl. Except this time, there is no reason to do this, but it does bloat the film’s running time to two and a half hours. Since you are most likely going to stream this movie on HBO Max rather than attend Covid Night at your local theater, you have the power to fast forward through this scene. It shows her learning a lesson about not lying, but we already know she is virtuous because we watched the last movie. There - I just saved you fifteen minutes.

From there, the film jumps to 1984 instead of current times because if one prequel to Justice League is good, two is better. Also, fuck the 1980s. The 80s was a diaper rash of an era filled with awful clothes, bad music, violence, the beginning of the AIDS epidemic, and a recession, all wrapped in cocaine. If you need more proof, listen to Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start the Fire. The 80’s were so shitty the song just quits because Joel “can’t take it anymore.”

Once in 1984, the first scene we get is a fight scene in a shopping mall. Four guys rob a jewelry store and Wonder Woman shows up to stop them. For Spider-Man reasons, she comes in via her lasso and takes out all the security cameras before dealing with the thieves. Keep in mind she is not wearing a mask and the shopping mall is teeming with people, so destroying the cameras just feels like a dick move. And the four thieves she takes out are the equivalent of rodeo clowns, including the acting. I kept expecting a director to yell cut and find out they were shooting an episode of Hill Street Blues or Magnum P.I. or even the original Wonder Woman television show (which ended in 1979, but could have been billed as a TV movie event or continued on in this alternate timeline). Nope. This scene was literally there to show off Wonder Woman’s fight skills against four inept morons, punctuated by Wonder Woman dropping the four of them as a group on a police car, destroying the car and, presumably, many of the thieves’ bones. Seriously - dick move.

After the mall scene concluded, I looked over at my wife and in-laws and they all had the same look on their face, which said “you wanted to watch this on purpose?” You probably want to fast-forward through this scene, too, since even the special effects are terrible.

If the first two scenes weren’t big enough red flags, the introduction of Kristen Wiig as a supporting character was the equivalent of an air raid siren. I am still angry at the Ghostbusters remake for being one of the worst movies ever made and Wiig is a large reason why. Another reason she is a red flag is because sketch comedy actors do not belong in major roles in superhero movies. Jim Carrey proved that one for us years ago. Wiig plays Barbara, a thrice-degreed scientist recently hired to work at the Smithsonian museum where Wonder Woman works. Barbara is also a klutzy, unpopular dork who becomes infatuated with Wonder Woman (Diana when she is not being Wonder Woman) because Diana helped her pick up some papers she dropped one time. The plot finally starts when the two of them examine a crystal mounted on a base etched with Latin. For what it’s worth, the stone was part of the mall heist, sent to them for examination by the FBI. If you cut out the mall heist part of that sentence, it doesn’t sound nearly as stupid, does it?

The women soon learn stories that say the stone grants the person holding it a single wish, but of course they don’t believe it. Just kidding. Diana doesn’t believe it and jokingly wishes that her dead boyfriend Steve (Chris Pine) were alive. Soon thereafter, Barbara wishes she were like Diana. Around this time, we also meet Max Lord (Pedro Pascal), an oil entrepreneur who is about to go bankrupt. He has been searching for the stone and donates some money to the museum, hoping to steal the stone and become rich. All of the above happens and the movie somehow makes the mall scene seem like the best part of the film.

One of my biggest complaints about DCEU movies is they don’t even try to make sense in their own context. They will set things up, then ignore those things. We learn that the stone grants only one wish per person, but in return takes what a person most desires or cherishes. Halfway through the film, Barbara will verbally point out the obvious - isn’t the thing a person most desires the thing they wish for? It sure is, Barbara. It sure is.

And that one-wish-per-customer-thing is more of a guideline than a rule. Max wishes to be the stone, which, instead of sucking Max into the stone or turning Max into stone, imbues him with its powers (ironically, this is the least nonsensical thing in this film). Max’s plan is to trick people into making wishes so he can steal the thing they most desire. At one point, he decides to grant Barbara a second wish (turning her into some kind of human-cheetah hybrid) because he is “feeling generous.” There is no indication of what he took from her at this point, since the thing taken for her first wish was her being a decent person (huh?), but why does he get to ignore the rule when it was literally enforced at every other point in the film? Are you still fast-forwarding?

Speaking of nonsense, instead of Steve just appearing alive as a result of Diana’s wish, he appears as the possessed body of a random yuppie. We actually get to see what said yuppie looks like, as does Steve when he looks like in a mirror and the script waives this away when Diana says “all I see is you.” In a movie with a magic wishing stone, the choice to try to make Steve’s appearance semi-logical is embarrassingly stupid. And I am fairly sure it was done for the sole purpose of a gag scene where Chris Pine tries on a bunch of 80s clothes in his body’s closet. Because, get it? 80s clothes are ugly. This is exactly the kind of shitty skit that made Saturday Night Live unwatchable when Wiig was a cast member.

When Diana and Barbara find the stone’s base later in the film, Diana recognizes hieroglyphics on the inside of the base’s ring as “the language of the gods.” This particular object was created by a deceitful god named Dolos and I, once again, expected this movie to take that idea somewhere. Since the first movie featured Ares, an actual Greek god, I thought Dolos would eventually reveal himself as the villain, having used Max and the stone to come to life or return from exile or turn into a giant snake and capture Wonder Woman in a giant hourglass. At least it would have been consistent. Nope.

Max really is the villain and rather than take the thing most cherished from people who make wishes, it turns out that he can just take what he wants at that moment. Look, if that is what the movie wanted, why didn’t the ring just say that? And why is Max getting headaches every time someone makes a wish? And also bleeding from the eyes and ears? And why is Diana losing her powers only sometimes and really slowly? And why is everything devolving into chaos? And is the one consistent thing in this movie really that in order to fulfill a wish the person has to be touching Max, so he is going to use a satellite constellation to “touch” everyone because the President said his advisors explained to him that technically the satellite is touching particles that touch people so that counts for Max as touching everyone? And to undo a wish, people must renounce their wish and we are expected to believe that every person on Earth simultaneously renounced their wish? And isn’t it kind of a dick move when a bunch of bullshit gets thrown at you all of a sudden?

In summary, wretched. The plot, the villain, the creative choices, the dialogue, the editing, the special effects, 1984 - everything. All four family members in the room with me were seriously considering rescinding their Christmas presents to me after sitting through this abomination. And I do not blame them. After watching this film, I wanted to put coal in my own stocking. The most amazing thing about this movie is that the creators read the script, filmed it, edited it, watched it again and went “nailed it.” At this point, the only explanation for DC Films and Warner Brothers continuing to churn out shit blockbuster after shit blockbuster in this shit film universe (DCEU) is that they want to be the anti-Marvel. Dick move, Bros. Dick move.

Rating: If you went to a theater to see this, what is wrong with you? If you saw it on HBO Max, ask for nine months of subscription back.