"The Mandalorian and Grogu" - Just like old times.

Did you know it's been seven years since the last Star Wars movie (The Rise of Skywalker) was released? It's hard to believe, but that's because Disney has released seven different streaming series during that time, two of which have had multiple seasons (Andor and The Mandalorian). The obvious question here is why send The Mandalorian and Grogu to the silver screen?

The short answer is The Mandalorian and Grogu scratches that Star Wars itch. Much of what I want to say about M&G is the same as what I said about Solo: A Star Wars Story. M&G is a perfectly adequate movie that plays things very safe. It does the things we want it to do, but doesn't really give us anything new to play with in our heads. It's a solidly entertaining movie, but not one that makes you crave more. Unless, of course, you crave more because you're the kind of Star Wars fan who says "May the fourth be with you" on May 4.

The obvious expectation going into M&G is that it will just feel like an extended episode of the series. That's not a bad thing, by the way. Star Trek features ten movies of that nature (the three in the recent reboot trilogy don't count) and at least half of those were pretty good movies. M&G doesn't feel so much like an extended episode, but more like an entire season condensed down into an extended episode.

M&G features the titular characters hunting former Imperial officers who are up to no good. M&G opens with an action sequence where Mando (Pedro Pascal) and Grogu (Grogu) take out one these officers, then return to a New Republic base for payment and their next assignment. The base is run by Colonel Ward (Sigourney Weaver), who scolds Mando for killing the Imperial instead of bringing him in alive for questioning, then offers him a new Razorcrest ship as payment for that mission, as well as for the next mission. She wants Mando to rescue a kidnapped Ratta the Hutt (voiced by Jeremy Allen White) and take him to the Hutt twins (Jabba the Hutt's cousins; Ratta is Jabba's son). In exchange for Ratta, the twins will provide the whereabouts of Imperial crime lord Janu Coin.

Since the Hutts have never been fleshed out in official Disney Star Wars canon beyond crime lords, this movie seems like the perfect opportunity to do that. Or rather, a full Season Four of The Mandalorian seems like the perfect opportunity to do that. Two hours and twelve minutes is not enough time to develop a crime syndicate and spend more time developing Mando and Grogu and develop a storyline where it feels like there's something more to them hunting down former Imperials and develop a brand new character in Ratta. And the movie has to spend significant time on action scenes because this is Star Wars.

Since this movie is called The Mandalorian and Grogu, not The Hutt Gambit or subtitled with something Huttese, the Hutt twins and their syndicate get the barest minimum of development. Ratta gets a decent amount of attention, but his character is barely more than a side quest for our title heroes. Likewise with Janu. In fact, midway through movie, Mando and Grogu complete the greater task regarding the capture of Janu, reinforcing the perception that the movie is really just a couple of episodes of a series. The latter half of the film is an extra Ratta side quest.

Despite those shortcomings in the story, the rest of the movie reminds us why we keep coming back for more Star Wars. For one thing, the visuals are downright awe inspiring. The ships look amazingly real, as real as the full-scale models filling Galaxy’s Edge at Disney World and Disneyland. And the creatures, particularly the dragonsnake, appear just as real. So, when the battles and action scenes play out, you can’t help but soak them in without ever blinking.

For another, the movie doesn’t have any glaring flaws. It takes care of business, giving us some new and interesting characters and some simple plots to follow. And it gives us a bit of playfulness with Grogu and Pascal. The closest thing to a flaw was the choice to have Ratta speak English the entire time. I know it was done to help disassociate him from being an evil Hutt, but it was weird the entire time.

Without a doubt, this film would have worked much better as a limited series, if not a full season of The Mandalorian. But I’m not going to complain. It’s been seven years since we got a Star Wars film and Andor is the only other one that people would like to see a movie from. You know, like Rogue One.

Rating: Ask for a couple of dollars back because even safe Star Wars movies are still Star Wars movies.

“Fantastic Four: First Steps” - Third time’s a charm.

I know you’re worried about Fantastic Four: First Steps. You remember the aggressively mediocre first two Fantastic Four movies featuring Jessica Alba and Chris Evans. You’ve tried to forget the atrocious reboot featuring Miles Teller and Michael B. Jordan. And you still don’t trust that the MCU has truly turned the corner back into must-watch territory. But if you saw Thunderbolts*, you’ll have more confidence that Marvel has corrected itself. You did see Thunderbolts*, right?

Honest Trailers once joked that a good Fantastic Four movie did in fact exist - Pixar’s The Incredibles. It’s funny because it’s true. But now The Incredibles has competition with an official Fantastic Four film. First Steps finally gives us a film that might just be fantastic.

First Steps starts off exactly how it should - by not showing us a thirty-minute first act featuring how the Fantastic Four got their powers. Thank you, director Matt Shakman. Instead, we are thrust into a world where the Fantastic Four are beloved and considered Earth-828’s protectors. Yes, that number is important because the primary MCU Earth is 616. Don’t worry, the multiverse isn’t a focus in this movie. And because of that, bonus...you don’t have to know anything about the rest of the MCU for this movie. You’re welcome.

In New York City on Earth-828, it’s the 1960s and looks like if Disneyland’s Tomorrowland was right. The Fantastic Four live together in their very own tower in the city and everyone knows them by their actual names (their superhero names are never mentioned during the film). Reed Richards (Pedro Pascal) and his wife Sue Storm (Vanessa Kirby) have learned Sue is pregnant and share the news with Sue’s brother Johnny (Joseph Quinn) and family friend Ben Grimm (Ebon Moss-Bachrach) over their weekly Sunday dinner. If this sounds a lot like Disney’s Carousel of Progress ride to you, you’ll known what I mean by, like the ride, this idyllic scene is interrupted.

Near the end of Sue’s pregnancy, a cosmic being called the Silver Surfer (Julia Garner) arrives at Earth to inform humanity that her master, Galactus (Ralph Ineson), is on his way to eat Earth. Yes, I said eat Earth. In an attempt to save Earth, the Fantastic Four locate Galactus’ current location in the galaxy, then fly there to negotiate with him. Galactus demands Sue’s baby in exchange for not eating Earth and they politely decline. Just kidding - fight scene.

What I love about this plot is it’s a form of the famous Trolley Problem. Doom one life to save everyone else or doom everyone else to save one? Because the film focuses much more on family and community than on punching bad guys, the dilemma has real heft. And not just for the four superheroes, but for the people initially angry at what they perceive as the obvious choice. Once Sue explains to them why they couldn’t just sacrifice their child, they actually listen. I know, right? After living on our Earth these past few years, especially these last few months, the idea of people actually listening to reason sounds utterly preposterous.

There’s a lot more to like about this film than just the moral dilemma. After the casting and writing disaster of 2015’s Fantastic Four, Marvel Studios did what they do best, creating a bunch of well-written characters and finding quite possibly the best possible choices of actors for all of the main characters (and even the minor ones). Ineson portrays a very menacing Galactus, even sprinkling in some nuance that has us feeling the tiniest bit of sympathy for him. Garner is even better as Silver Surfer, powering her emotions and expressions throughout Surfer’s character arc, as well as through the CGI liquid metal covering her entire body.

Quinn and Moss-Bachrach both tone down the cartoonishness of their characters and play up qualities not emphasized in previous film versions of their characters. Ben isn’t just a rock-covered strongman; he’s caring and soft-hearted to friends and strangers alike. Johnny is no longer a cocky, dumb, playboy, but a mildly subdued, intelligent man eager to help out.

Then there are Kirby and Pascal, shining much more as the heads of the family than the heads of a superhero team. Reed is still the familiar scientific genius, but he’s also every dad trying to figure out fatherhood on the fly. He just uses checklists and robots to help. Sue is still the familiar protector and loving wife, but with an undertone of don’t-fuck-with-me-now-that-I’m-a-mom. You all know what I’m talking about.

So, breathe a sigh of relief. First Steps is the Fantastic Four movie we’ve been demanding for decades. You can finally forgive 20th Century Fox Studios for mangling the franchise. You can also forgive Marvel Studios for the flood of forgettable and subpar content they fire-hosed at us after Avengers: Endgame. Now, you can look forward to the next MCU movie now that trust has been restored. And you can go watch Thunderbolts* because the box office sure looks like many of you didn’t see it.

Rating: Worth every penny, even if you’re still mad at Carousel of Progress always breaking down.

“Drive-Away Dolls” - Rated I for immature.

The Coen brothers (Ethan and Joel) are known for their quirky, darkly comedic movies. Perhaps more than that, they are known for making movies as a pair. While they don’t make blockbuster type films, you have probably seen at least one of their films and remember something specific about that film. A dude in a bowling alley, Brad Pitt doing a funny dance, Javier Bardem’s bolt pistol, “Man of Constant Sorrow,” a wood chipper. I don’t know about you, but I’ve often wondered which Coen thought up which elements in their films. Now that Ethan has gone off on his own with his solo debut of Drive-Away Dolls, I think I know the answer.

The synopsis for Drive-Away Dolls is “In search of a fresh start, two women embark on an impromptu road trip to Tallahassee, Florida. However, things quickly go awry when they cross paths with a group of inept criminals along the way.” Those are certainly words in a sentence and a couple of them even accurately summarize the film. Two women, Jamie (Margaret Qualley) and Marian (Geraldine Viswanathan), do indeed go on a road trip to Tallahassee. But they are not searching for a fresh start, it isn’t impromptu, and it doesn’t go awry because of inept criminals. Oh - and Jamie and Margaret are lesbians that do lesbian things. Let’s try that synopsis again - “Ethan Coen’s horny 14-year-old boy fantasy of what lesbians do and also throw in some goofy criminals to make it feel more Coen-y.” There. Fixed it.

I’m confident now that Ethan is the mastermind behind such Coen movie elements as the wood chipper scene in Fargo. Drive-Away Dolls opens with a similarly grisly scene involving a cork-screw, a knife, two thumbs, and Pedro Pascal. Santos (Pascal) is supposed to be meeting someone at a restaurant and is clutching a silver briefcase like it contains whatever was in Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase in Pulp Fiction. That someone is a no-show and Pascal ends up trapped in an alley by the restaurant’s cook and his utensils. This scene appeared to be setting the tone of the film and my curiosity was piqued.

The next scene opens with a woman screaming in ecstasy, her large breasts filling the screen. A phone rings and Jamie’s head emerges from between the woman’s legs. I’m not trying to be gratuitous here, but Ethan Coen sure seemed to be. Remember, these two scenes are how this film begins. That’s not to say the scenes don’t have a purpose. The briefcase is the MacGuffin of the film, instantly becoming the only thing the audience is cares about. We have to know what’s in the briefcase. And what better way is there to distract the audience from that thought than boobs and oral sex? Seriously, what’s in that case?

The movie then stumbles into its premise. Jamie’s girlfriend Sukie (Beanie Feldstein) - who isn’t the screaming breasts we saw - breaks up with her over Jamie’s promiscuity, so Jamie hijacks her friend Marian’s planned road trip to visit Marian’s aunt. Jamie tells her about a service called drive-away, where they can pay to drive a car to a destination for a third-party. Is this a real thing? I don’t know. What’s in the briefcase?

As is typical of Coen flicks, a mix-up occurs and a trio of heavies (Colman Domingo, Joey Slotnick, C.J. Wilson) sets about tracking down the girls in order to recover the case (which is in the trunk of the car for...reasons). And, as is also typical of Coen flicks, some of the characters have diarrhea of the mouth. The only time Jamie stops talking is when someone else’s body part is in her mouth. Not to be outdone, one of the heavies, Arliss (Slotnick), spends the entire film berating his partner Flint (Wilson) and arguing at him (Flint rarely says a word). While there are some funny lines of dialogue, they are mostly surrounded by rambling. Just because something isn’t naked or bleeding, doesn’t mean it’s not gratuitous.

Speaking of which, are lesbians obsessed with penises? Do they all have at least two dildos in their homes? Do they have make-out parties in their basements with each other? Do they invite other random girls they meet in road-side diners to these make-out parties? Did Ethan Coen watch a porno and think it was non-fiction? Judging by Drive-Away Dolls, Coen did and they do. But they don’t have pillow fights in their underwear. Let’s not get carried away.

If this review seems a little bit all over the place, that’s how the movie felt. It’s about a couple of guys trying to retrieve a briefcase with something valuable in it...unless it’s really about two girls discovering their feelings for each other because Jamie decided her purpose in life was to get Marian laid (this is seriously Jamie’s goal for the first two acts of the movie). At one moment, the lead heavy, Chief (Domingo), is ordering Flint and Arliss to go to a new location, the next moment Marian is being arrested for walking at night. And if you were hoping for a generous amount of screen time for Matt Damon and Pedro Pascal, keep hoping because they are in the movie for about thirty seconds. The only real conclusion I can draw from this film is that Joel Coen is the mature brother and keeps Ethan in check when they are working together. If Joel were involved in Drive-Away Dolls, I think the contents of the briefcase would have been very different.

Rating: Ask for eight dollars back and for Ethan to grow up a little.

“The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent” - Nic Cage is...inevitable.

If ever there was a person who could be described as a movie, it’s Nicholas Cage. It’s right there in a title that is as pompous and full of itself as it is long. What really made me want to see the film was the movie poster. Right at the top, it says “Nicholas Cage is Nic Cage.” Knowing that tagline, the only other actor besides Cage you might immediately think this movie was about is Tom Cruise. Except, Tom Cruise thinks he’s Ethan Hunt, so it never would have worked.

(SPOILER ALERT - Nic Cage be Nick Cage.)

The most surprising thing about this movie is that it wasn’t written by Nicholas Cage. That means that writers Tom Gormican (also directing) and Kevin Etten wrote this on their own. According to an interview with Cage by The Hollywood Reporter, Cage turned it down several times before ultimately caving after Gormican sent him a personal letter. Cage originally thought the movie was just a vehicle to make fun of him but came to believe it was more of a celebration of his career, so Cage agreed to do it. In reality, it’s both. It’s a celebration of his career that pokes fun at it and Cage. In other words, it’s a bit of a roast, but a lot more fun.

Cage really is playing himself in this film. A fictionalized version, but one that is nearly indistinguishable from what we think he is. In the film, his ex-wife (Sharon Horgan) and daughter (Lily Sheen) pretty much hate him, his career is in the toilet from picking far too many bad films, and his finances are looking grim due to his lifestyle choices. Go look at his IMDb page - Cage has been in thirty-eight movies since 2012 and I’m betting you can’t name more than one of them, if any at all. And that is very much because he pissed away $150 million dollars. We really can’t blame him for being suspicious of this film’s intent.

After failing to land another role (despite some embarrassing groveling to the director) and threatened with eviction, he accepts an offer from his agent (Neil Patrick Harris) to appear at the birthday party of Javi Gutierrez (Pedro Pascal) in Mallorca, Spain. We are also treated to Nic’s alter ego, Nicky, a younger version of himself from his Valley Girl/Raising Arizona/Peggy Sue Got Married days who keeps Nic from facing reality by constantly reminding Nic that he is “Nicholas fuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkkiiiinnnnggggg CAAAAAAGGGGGEEEEE!!!!!!!” Are we sure this movie is fictional?

Upon landing in Mallorca, undercover CIA agent Vivian Etten (Tiffany Haddish) is in the tiny airport and is surprised to see Nic walk off the plane instead of the person they were going to contact to spy on Javi. The CIA believes Javi is a major illicit arms dealer who kidnapped the daughter of a Spanish presidential candidate. Vivian’s partner Martin (Ike Barinholtz) tries to abort their mission, but Vivian decides Nicholas fucking Cage will have to do. She pretends to be a fan of his, while slipping a phone in his pocket, then informs Martin that the mission is a go. Alright - now we know the movie really is fictional, but it sure does sound like Cage’s fantasy. Or at least the audience’s fantasy of what Cage fantasizes about.

As it turns out, Javi is a huge of Nic and his real reason for inviting Nic to his party is to convince him to star in a movie that Javi has written. At first, Nic is just wallowing in his own misery and generally being a terrible guest. He doesn’t know about the screenplay yet, but finds out after Javi’s assistant Gabriela (Alessandra Mastronardi) scares the shit out of him and makes him go on a drive with Javi. Cage resents it at first, but bonds with Javi over movies. This is where we get a second helping of Cage nostalgia (the beginning of the film is filled with it as well) that reminds us that this movie is fiction-not-fiction. This is also where the movie’s CIA plot really kicks in.

I need to repeat that this movie is the embodiment of Nicholas Cage the person and the actor, at least the public parts of his life. The entire spy plot plays out like all of his action movies and, while being completely bonkers, it’s glorious. There’s a car chase, there are drugs, there are one-liners, and there are hijinks. I pretty sure these are the parts of the screenplay that convinced Cage to be in the film. Everything about it screams HAVE FUN NIC!!! while also managing to be clever. The constant references to Cage’s filmography are so well woven into the dialogue and scenes, that despite there being tons of them it somehow feels like there aren’t enough. Which again, absolutely describes Cage’s filmography. Given his entire body of work and life, this movie was probably a foregone conclusion. I mean, he’s NICHOLAS FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKIIIINNNNGGGGG CAAAAAAGGGGGEEEEE!!!!!!!

Rating: Ask for zero dollars back, maybe even throw a couple extra bucks out there. Apparently, Nic still needs it.

“Wonder Woman 1984” - Dick move (or, just fast forward to the good part).

Wretched. I tried to think of the most appropriate adjective to describe Wonder Woman 1984 and…wretched. And I was looking forward to this film. Yes, I know - this is a DCEU movie we are talking about; I should know better. Of the eight prior movies, four of them are completely unwatchable and the other four combined are worth one and a half decent movies. I just figured since Birds of Prey was at least an entertaining movie and Wonder Woman’s second act was solid, that Wonder Woman 1984 would be entertaining and kind of solid. Nope. Wretched.

(SPOILER ALERT - You can thank me later.)

Like the first installment, Wonder Woman 1984 starts with a scene on Wonder Woman’s (Gal Gadot) home island when she is a young girl. Except this time, there is no reason to do this, but it does bloat the film’s running time to two and a half hours. Since you are most likely going to stream this movie on HBO Max rather than attend Covid Night at your local theater, you have the power to fast forward through this scene. It shows her learning a lesson about not lying, but we already know she is virtuous because we watched the last movie. There - I just saved you fifteen minutes.

From there, the film jumps to 1984 instead of current times because if one prequel to Justice League is good, two is better. Also, fuck the 1980s. The 80s was a diaper rash of an era filled with awful clothes, bad music, violence, the beginning of the AIDS epidemic, and a recession, all wrapped in cocaine. If you need more proof, listen to Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start the Fire. The 80’s were so shitty the song just quits because Joel “can’t take it anymore.”

Once in 1984, the first scene we get is a fight scene in a shopping mall. Four guys rob a jewelry store and Wonder Woman shows up to stop them. For Spider-Man reasons, she comes in via her lasso and takes out all the security cameras before dealing with the thieves. Keep in mind she is not wearing a mask and the shopping mall is teeming with people, so destroying the cameras just feels like a dick move. And the four thieves she takes out are the equivalent of rodeo clowns, including the acting. I kept expecting a director to yell cut and find out they were shooting an episode of Hill Street Blues or Magnum P.I. or even the original Wonder Woman television show (which ended in 1979, but could have been billed as a TV movie event or continued on in this alternate timeline). Nope. This scene was literally there to show off Wonder Woman’s fight skills against four inept morons, punctuated by Wonder Woman dropping the four of them as a group on a police car, destroying the car and, presumably, many of the thieves’ bones. Seriously - dick move.

After the mall scene concluded, I looked over at my wife and in-laws and they all had the same look on their face, which said “you wanted to watch this on purpose?” You probably want to fast-forward through this scene, too, since even the special effects are terrible.

If the first two scenes weren’t big enough red flags, the introduction of Kristen Wiig as a supporting character was the equivalent of an air raid siren. I am still angry at the Ghostbusters remake for being one of the worst movies ever made and Wiig is a large reason why. Another reason she is a red flag is because sketch comedy actors do not belong in major roles in superhero movies. Jim Carrey proved that one for us years ago. Wiig plays Barbara, a thrice-degreed scientist recently hired to work at the Smithsonian museum where Wonder Woman works. Barbara is also a klutzy, unpopular dork who becomes infatuated with Wonder Woman (Diana when she is not being Wonder Woman) because Diana helped her pick up some papers she dropped one time. The plot finally starts when the two of them examine a crystal mounted on a base etched with Latin. For what it’s worth, the stone was part of the mall heist, sent to them for examination by the FBI. If you cut out the mall heist part of that sentence, it doesn’t sound nearly as stupid, does it?

The women soon learn stories that say the stone grants the person holding it a single wish, but of course they don’t believe it. Just kidding. Diana doesn’t believe it and jokingly wishes that her dead boyfriend Steve (Chris Pine) were alive. Soon thereafter, Barbara wishes she were like Diana. Around this time, we also meet Max Lord (Pedro Pascal), an oil entrepreneur who is about to go bankrupt. He has been searching for the stone and donates some money to the museum, hoping to steal the stone and become rich. All of the above happens and the movie somehow makes the mall scene seem like the best part of the film.

One of my biggest complaints about DCEU movies is they don’t even try to make sense in their own context. They will set things up, then ignore those things. We learn that the stone grants only one wish per person, but in return takes what a person most desires or cherishes. Halfway through the film, Barbara will verbally point out the obvious - isn’t the thing a person most desires the thing they wish for? It sure is, Barbara. It sure is.

And that one-wish-per-customer-thing is more of a guideline than a rule. Max wishes to be the stone, which, instead of sucking Max into the stone or turning Max into stone, imbues him with its powers (ironically, this is the least nonsensical thing in this film). Max’s plan is to trick people into making wishes so he can steal the thing they most desire. At one point, he decides to grant Barbara a second wish (turning her into some kind of human-cheetah hybrid) because he is “feeling generous.” There is no indication of what he took from her at this point, since the thing taken for her first wish was her being a decent person (huh?), but why does he get to ignore the rule when it was literally enforced at every other point in the film? Are you still fast-forwarding?

Speaking of nonsense, instead of Steve just appearing alive as a result of Diana’s wish, he appears as the possessed body of a random yuppie. We actually get to see what said yuppie looks like, as does Steve when he looks like in a mirror and the script waives this away when Diana says “all I see is you.” In a movie with a magic wishing stone, the choice to try to make Steve’s appearance semi-logical is embarrassingly stupid. And I am fairly sure it was done for the sole purpose of a gag scene where Chris Pine tries on a bunch of 80s clothes in his body’s closet. Because, get it? 80s clothes are ugly. This is exactly the kind of shitty skit that made Saturday Night Live unwatchable when Wiig was a cast member.

When Diana and Barbara find the stone’s base later in the film, Diana recognizes hieroglyphics on the inside of the base’s ring as “the language of the gods.” This particular object was created by a deceitful god named Dolos and I, once again, expected this movie to take that idea somewhere. Since the first movie featured Ares, an actual Greek god, I thought Dolos would eventually reveal himself as the villain, having used Max and the stone to come to life or return from exile or turn into a giant snake and capture Wonder Woman in a giant hourglass. At least it would have been consistent. Nope.

Max really is the villain and rather than take the thing most cherished from people who make wishes, it turns out that he can just take what he wants at that moment. Look, if that is what the movie wanted, why didn’t the ring just say that? And why is Max getting headaches every time someone makes a wish? And also bleeding from the eyes and ears? And why is Diana losing her powers only sometimes and really slowly? And why is everything devolving into chaos? And is the one consistent thing in this movie really that in order to fulfill a wish the person has to be touching Max, so he is going to use a satellite constellation to “touch” everyone because the President said his advisors explained to him that technically the satellite is touching particles that touch people so that counts for Max as touching everyone? And to undo a wish, people must renounce their wish and we are expected to believe that every person on Earth simultaneously renounced their wish? And isn’t it kind of a dick move when a bunch of bullshit gets thrown at you all of a sudden?

In summary, wretched. The plot, the villain, the creative choices, the dialogue, the editing, the special effects, 1984 - everything. All four family members in the room with me were seriously considering rescinding their Christmas presents to me after sitting through this abomination. And I do not blame them. After watching this film, I wanted to put coal in my own stocking. The most amazing thing about this movie is that the creators read the script, filmed it, edited it, watched it again and went “nailed it.” At this point, the only explanation for DC Films and Warner Brothers continuing to churn out shit blockbuster after shit blockbuster in this shit film universe (DCEU) is that they want to be the anti-Marvel. Dick move, Bros. Dick move.

Rating: If you went to a theater to see this, what is wrong with you? If you saw it on HBO Max, ask for nine months of subscription back.