“Haunted Mansion” - Disney Scary.

The Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland was my favorite ride when I was a kid. I loved it so much that I would listen to my 78-rpm story-book record over and over until I fell asleep at night. And don’t think that I’ve grown out of it. I own Haunted Mansion shirts, a lanyard, a throw pillow, refrigerator magnets, and multiple pairs of socks. The best part is my family loves it as much as I do. My wife has a framed schematic of the patented ride vehicle and replica canvas paintings of the four paintings in the stretching room. Yeah. We’re weird and we own it.

So does my son. He always wants to ride the Haunted Mansion ride when we visit Disneyland and Disney World and after watching the new Haunted Mansion movie, he really wanted me to interview him about it. We both enjoyed the movie and agree that it works because they leaned into the ride as hard as they could. Here is what he had to say...

On a scale of one to ten, ten being highest, how excited were you to see Haunted Mansion?

Probably a sssssseven...?

Where does the Haunted Mansion ride rank for you of all the rides at Magic Kingdom?

Probably six?

So your excitement for the movie matches the ride?

I guess.

Why weren’t you more exited for Haunted Mansion?

I don’t know, I just wasn’t.

Did you see the previous The Haunted Mansion movie?

Yes.

On a scale of one to ten, how good was that previous movie?

Probably a negative two.

So what about the new movie makes it better?

It’s just more like the ride. It’s creepier. The mood is more Haunted Mansion-y.

Is your favorite part of the ride in this movie?

Kiiiind of.

Tell us about that.

My favorite part is where you go backwards and down in the graveyard, with the flying ghosts everywhere...oh wait! Yeah, it did happen in the movie!

Did they do a good job with that part?

More on the good side.

How? What made it good? Tell me about the scene.

Well, there’s ghosts flying around everywhere in the graveyard.

How did they get the ride part in there?

Because you’re in a graveyard with ghosts flying around everywhere.

What other parts of the ride did they do a good job with in the movie?

The guy with the dog.

The groundskeeper?

Yeah! It looked like him

Was he a main character in the movie?

No, he was very background character.

What other characters from the ride are in the movie?

The main villain - I forgot his name.

The hat box ghost (Jared Leto)?

Yeah. Also the bride with the axe (Lindsay Lamb).

Anyone else?

The floating candlestick.

Was that a main character in the movie?

*laughs* No!

Who were the protagonists in the movie?

There was...Ben (LaKeith Stanfield).  There was a kid (Chase Dillon)...what was the kid’s name? And a mom (Rosario Dawson).

Who else?

Danny DeVito. Owen Wilson - the fraud exorcist. And the fortune teller person (Tiffany Haddish).

Of the protagonists, who was your favorite?

The kid, obviously.

What was the kid’s story?

Well his dad died? Oh yeah, his dad died and they wanted to move, and they moved to that house and they didn’t know it was haunted but then since a ghost follows you home, they had to come back. Because everywhere they went, they were being haunted.

That’s a cool thing they were doing with the horror movie cliche - why they don’t leave the house.

Oh! Another part they did good with the ride - was the clock with the 13 hours. The hallway of haunts banging on the doors. The scene with the candlestick. The knight statue...

The suit of armor?

Yeah.

Did they have pretty much everything from the ride in the movie?

No.

What was missing?

The guy in the coffin. *makes whiney noises and pushing palm of hand up toward the ceiling*

What would have been a funny way to incorporate the person trapped in the coffin?

If it was one of the protagonists trying to get out of it.

What is the villain trying to do in the movie?

Trying to get a thousand happy haunts to have a lot of power or whatever.

Was the villain scary, or lame, or...

He was “Disney scary” [chuckles] oh and I like that they incorporated the heads that follow you around. The ones that look at you while you walk around.

Are people who like the ride going to like the movie?

Yeah, I would assume so.

Would you tell people if you like the ride, you’ll like the movie?

Yeah, I would say that.

Besides the kid, who was your next favorite character?

Obviously, danny devito

Why Danny DeVito?

Because Danny DeVito. That’s why.

Will kids be scared by the movie?

Maybe five-year-old kids. Very small children probably. But kids my age, no.

Now that the movie has come out, do you think there is anything from the movie that you think they’ll put in the ride? The same way they put Jack sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride? Or is there something from the movie that you’d like to see put in the ride?

Ummm...Danny Devito.

Rating: Which one is worth more of your money - the ride or the movie?

That’s a good question. I think I would pay slightly more for the ride because you’re THERE, and it’s not on a screen.

Special Disney Rating: If there were a line for the movie, how many minutes would you wait before you said nah?

Ffffffff...fifty.

 

 

“The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent” - Nic Cage is...inevitable.

If ever there was a person who could be described as a movie, it’s Nicholas Cage. It’s right there in a title that is as pompous and full of itself as it is long. What really made me want to see the film was the movie poster. Right at the top, it says “Nicholas Cage is Nic Cage.” Knowing that tagline, the only other actor besides Cage you might immediately think this movie was about is Tom Cruise. Except, Tom Cruise thinks he’s Ethan Hunt, so it never would have worked.

(SPOILER ALERT - Nic Cage be Nick Cage.)

The most surprising thing about this movie is that it wasn’t written by Nicholas Cage. That means that writers Tom Gormican (also directing) and Kevin Etten wrote this on their own. According to an interview with Cage by The Hollywood Reporter, Cage turned it down several times before ultimately caving after Gormican sent him a personal letter. Cage originally thought the movie was just a vehicle to make fun of him but came to believe it was more of a celebration of his career, so Cage agreed to do it. In reality, it’s both. It’s a celebration of his career that pokes fun at it and Cage. In other words, it’s a bit of a roast, but a lot more fun.

Cage really is playing himself in this film. A fictionalized version, but one that is nearly indistinguishable from what we think he is. In the film, his ex-wife (Sharon Horgan) and daughter (Lily Sheen) pretty much hate him, his career is in the toilet from picking far too many bad films, and his finances are looking grim due to his lifestyle choices. Go look at his IMDb page - Cage has been in thirty-eight movies since 2012 and I’m betting you can’t name more than one of them, if any at all. And that is very much because he pissed away $150 million dollars. We really can’t blame him for being suspicious of this film’s intent.

After failing to land another role (despite some embarrassing groveling to the director) and threatened with eviction, he accepts an offer from his agent (Neil Patrick Harris) to appear at the birthday party of Javi Gutierrez (Pedro Pascal) in Mallorca, Spain. We are also treated to Nic’s alter ego, Nicky, a younger version of himself from his Valley Girl/Raising Arizona/Peggy Sue Got Married days who keeps Nic from facing reality by constantly reminding Nic that he is “Nicholas fuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkkiiiinnnnggggg CAAAAAAGGGGGEEEEE!!!!!!!” Are we sure this movie is fictional?

Upon landing in Mallorca, undercover CIA agent Vivian Etten (Tiffany Haddish) is in the tiny airport and is surprised to see Nic walk off the plane instead of the person they were going to contact to spy on Javi. The CIA believes Javi is a major illicit arms dealer who kidnapped the daughter of a Spanish presidential candidate. Vivian’s partner Martin (Ike Barinholtz) tries to abort their mission, but Vivian decides Nicholas fucking Cage will have to do. She pretends to be a fan of his, while slipping a phone in his pocket, then informs Martin that the mission is a go. Alright - now we know the movie really is fictional, but it sure does sound like Cage’s fantasy. Or at least the audience’s fantasy of what Cage fantasizes about.

As it turns out, Javi is a huge of Nic and his real reason for inviting Nic to his party is to convince him to star in a movie that Javi has written. At first, Nic is just wallowing in his own misery and generally being a terrible guest. He doesn’t know about the screenplay yet, but finds out after Javi’s assistant Gabriela (Alessandra Mastronardi) scares the shit out of him and makes him go on a drive with Javi. Cage resents it at first, but bonds with Javi over movies. This is where we get a second helping of Cage nostalgia (the beginning of the film is filled with it as well) that reminds us that this movie is fiction-not-fiction. This is also where the movie’s CIA plot really kicks in.

I need to repeat that this movie is the embodiment of Nicholas Cage the person and the actor, at least the public parts of his life. The entire spy plot plays out like all of his action movies and, while being completely bonkers, it’s glorious. There’s a car chase, there are drugs, there are one-liners, and there are hijinks. I pretty sure these are the parts of the screenplay that convinced Cage to be in the film. Everything about it screams HAVE FUN NIC!!! while also managing to be clever. The constant references to Cage’s filmography are so well woven into the dialogue and scenes, that despite there being tons of them it somehow feels like there aren’t enough. Which again, absolutely describes Cage’s filmography. Given his entire body of work and life, this movie was probably a foregone conclusion. I mean, he’s NICHOLAS FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKIIIINNNNGGGGG CAAAAAAGGGGGEEEEE!!!!!!!

Rating: Ask for zero dollars back, maybe even throw a couple extra bucks out there. Apparently, Nic still needs it.