“Alien: Romulus” - You just had to make it weird (or Alien Re-Resurrection).

How did you feel about Alien Resurrection? Did you like it, hate it, accept it as good enough to scratch your Alien itch? Did you refuse to watch it altogether? Were you even alive in 1997? Short of rewatching Resurrection, Alien: Romulus is the next closest thing. Depending on how you answered my questions, that’s good, bad, or you’re not even old enough to have worried about Y2K.

In Resurrection, a group of corporate scientists are studying captured xenomorphs (the aliens referenced by the title) aboard a ship. A ragtag group of humans and one obligatory android are also on board. When the xenomorphs escape and start killing, the group is chased around the ship and picked off by the xenomorphs one at a time, all while a final countdown to the ship’s destruction ensues. At the end, there is a climactic fight between the last remaining human(s) and some new hybrid xenomorph.

In Romulus, a group of corporate scientists were studying captured xenomorphs (the aliens referenced by the title) aboard a space station. A ragtag group of humans and one obligatory android end up on board. When the xenomorphs escape and start killing, the group is chased around the station and picked off by the xenomorphs one at a time, all while a final countdown to the station’s destruction ensues. At the end, there is a climactic fight between the last remaining human(s) and some new hybrid xenomorph.

There are differences, to be sure. Romulus takes place between the events of Alien and Aliens. There are fewer characters in Romulus and none of them are literally Sigourney Weaver or Weaver’s Ripley. But there is a Ripley-analogue - Rain Carradine (Cailee Spaeny), a young miner caring for her android/surrogate brother Andy (David Jonsson). Yes, the android’s actual name is Andy. Andy the Android. Yeah, I rolled my eyes, too.

And the way they end up on the doomed vessel is slightly different. Rain is approached by ex-boyfriend Tyler (Archie Renaux) with a plan to escape their dead-end lives and flee to another planet. The three of them and three others - Kay (Isabela Merced), Bjorn (Spike Fearn), and Navarro (Aileen Wu) - form the group that will definitely not all survive to see that planet. Unfortunately, none of the human characters are developed that well, so we don’t have much rooting interest in any them. Rain is the obvious protagonist and we like her because she protects Andy. But Kay is pregnant, so...yeah. The other three barely get names and are just there as slasher movie fodder. As for Andy, we’re told he is an old model refurbished to the point of being little more than functional and mostly reduced to telling dad jokes. See the problem here? We need another Ripley - a very capable and skilled person with leadership qualities and a badass streak who won’t leave a child or cat behind. Instead, we get Rain, who is really good at rebooting Andy and knows not to inject people with black goo. That’s about it.

Speaking of black goo, how did you feel about Prometheus and the whole xenomorph origin story? I thought it was half-baked and completely unnecessary. It’s one thing to give us the tale of how Darth Vader came to be Darth Vader (still unnecessary). It’s another to give us the origin story of a wild animal. Imagine if someone made a prequel to The Meg explaining the origins of megalodons. It’s a scary monster that wants to kill people. Got it. I don’t need more. As Patton Oswalt once joked when talking about the Star Wars prequels, “I don’t care where the stuff I love came from. I just love the stuff I love.” To be clear, I do not love The Meg or anything about it. The point is when the goo made an appearance in Romulus, I rolled my eyes again. Hard.

(Spoilers - If you want to be truly surprised and grossed out in the movie, skip the next paragraph.)

That goo was a key component in writer/director Fede Alvarez’s vision for Romulus. He definitely saw Resurrection, but took the wrong lesson from it. He saw the bizarre human-hybrid and thought “you know what this really needs? Graphic body horror.” Remember that pregnant girl I mentioned? She has one job in this movie - to give birth to that hybrid. And it’s a scene you can’t unsee. I realize that watching one of the chest-bursters explode through a rib cage is quite awful to watch, but watching one of the xenomorph eggs come blasting out from between that girl’s legs in an explosion of blood is over the top for me. Not because labor and delivery bothers me - I watched my son’s birth and it was super cool - but because it’s in the movie just for the gratuitous shock value. It’s also the point where the movie lost me, not just because of the gross-out factor, but because of the continued tie-in to Prometheus. I didn’t know it was possible to roll your eyes while trying not to vomit.

With that scene seared into my brain, followed by the silly hybrid and final fight scene, I was less than thrilled by the overall film. Don’t get me wrong, the movie prior to the pregnant girl’s big scene was very solid. It did what we want all Alien movies to do. It put a group of people in an enclosed space being chased by the scariest creature in movie history. It gave us another really good android character who garners more sympathy than the rest of the cast combined (not to mention Andy gets an upgrade for part of the movie that allows Jonsson to steal the show). It even did some creative things with the face huggers and acid blood to lift the tension. But Alvarez just had to make it weird.

Rating: Ask for four dollars back and a barf bag.

“Twisters” - You put a S at the end.

There seems to be a misconception about the kind of movie that Twisters is. On the surface, it looks and sounds like a sequel to 1996’s Twister. The previews show tornados and people chasing said tornados, just like in Twister. The two main characters are a man and a woman, just like in Twisters. The title is just the first movie with an extra S. But none of that makes Twisters a sequel. It’s not even a standalone sequel - set in the same universe, but with little or no narrative connection - because you don’t get to claim “same universe” solely based on setting Twisters in Oklahoma.

(SPOILERS ahead, but only if you never saw Twister.)

It’s pretty obvious Twisters is actually a remake of Twister, unfolding almost identically. Like all remakes that aren’t shot-for-shot, some components have been tweaked or slightly rearranged. The film opens like the original did - in the past - with our main character Kate (Daisy Edgar-Jones), a young idealist intent on conquering the mystery of tornados. Like Bill from the original movie, Kate has a magical ability to know where tornados will show up and what they will do. She and her friends hope to make a scientific breakthrough and attempt to dissipate a tornado with an experimental chemical solution (which fails).  But it ends in tragedy at the hand of a massive tornado.

Flash forward just five years later to present day. Instead of the tragedy driving her to fix her experiment and press on, we learn that Kate took a desk job with NOAA in New York City. Inspiring, no? An old friend Javi (Anthony Ramos) stops by to ask Kate to help him chase tornados in order to...mumble, radar, mumble, something-or-other, help people, insurance(?), mumble. Kate initially declines, but then changes her mind after Javi texts her a bunch of stories of towns devastated by tornados. Inspiring, no?

Cut to Oklahoma, where storm chasers are gathering at a rest stop (just like the first movie) and admiring the storm systems building in the distance. They order drinks (just like in the first movie). Javi introduces Kate to his team, a bunch of people in matching outfits and vehicles. Wait a minute.  In the first movie, the group with matching outfits and shiny vehicles was the bad-guy team. See what they did there? Kate’s on the bad-guy team, but *whispering* doesn’t know it yet.

Then, riding in on a tornado-proofed truck comes Tyler (Glen Powell). Tyler is a YouTuber and self-proclaimed Tornado Wrangler who records himself doing dangerous stunts while storm chasing. Tyler is going to mug and wink, then flirt with Kate until it’s time to chase a storm. Tyler is accompanied by a motley crew of people in varied outfits and vehicles (just like in the first movie), including a junky truck/RV. See what they did there? Tyler’s on the good-guy team, but *whispering* doesn’t know it yet.

By this point in the movie, it’s painfully obvious that Twisters is going to follow the same path as Twister. But just to make sure even the people in the back get the message, here is how the rest of the film goes. Single twister. Then sister twisters, where Tyler decides not to follow Kate and Kate gets it right. Night twister, where Tyler and Kate rush a bunch of people from their motel into a concrete pit to escape. Giant twister finale where kink is worked out of the science thing from the beginning of the movie. Everyone got it now? No?

Senior family member (Maura Tierney) owns cows and serves steak (just like Aunt Meg in the first movie). A well-dressed ride-along person (a reporter, in this case) in way over his head (like Dr. Melissa Reeves in the first movie). Kate is a stuffy meteorologist who used to chase storms, has a magical tornado spidey-sense, and reluctantly agrees to chase again (just like Bill from the first movie). Edgar-Jones spends one day in a white tanktop with the top of her jumper tied around her waist (just like Jo from #1). A theater showing an old horror flick is torn up by a tornado just as a character is uttering a famous line (The Shining in the first one, Frankenstein in this one). Rescuing a dog from a house destroyed by a tornado (just like the first movie). Everyone got it now? Good.

The problems with the film start with too many subplots and no clear main plot. Where the first movie was all about getting the sensors into a tornado in order to develop a better early warning system, the second movie was about 3D imaging of a tornado to...do science stuff? Until it was about taking advantage of uninsured people who just lost everything. Until it was about finishing Kate’s college project to dissipate a tornado. Sprinkle in some side-eye commentary about YouTube jackasses, and give us a lazy, predictable romance and you have yourself a summer blockbuster. Except...

...they forgot the part about where good summer blockbusters also have charm. Just because you cast Powell who practically gushes charm, doesn’t mean that charm sticks to the movie. I’m looking at you, supporting cast that was given nothing to do and no character development, whatsoever. It’s not their fault that they aren’t Philip Seymour Hoffman, Alan Ruck, or Cary Elwes. But the gang behind Tyler is very forgettable. They don’t get a great breakfast scene with the palpable camaraderie of old friends. They don’t get fantastic dialogue (“that’s the suck zone”) or memorable character traits that make them humans (singing the theme from Oklahoma on an adrenaline-stoked storm chase). They are just drone girl and guy who likes rockets and I think there were a couple others there too, maybe?

Perhaps as big a problem is that the tornados are rarely presented as dangerous. Tyler literally drives into multiple tornados, shooting off fireworks into one of them. Many times, characters stand what looks like a few yards away, just looking at the tornados. Then, juxtapose this with showing us the devastation caused by a tornado (and Tyler and crew helping the victims) and the viewer gets mental whiplash. Are these things dangerous or a clown show? If we aren’t getting charm, at least give us a sense of danger and drama.

To be fair, the film does have one emotional moment - when Kate breaks down in front of Tyler when he discovers her college project in her mom’s barn. As with the rest of the film, this is just rehashing Helen Hunt when she breaks down after the “jumper” tornado, but without the true emotional weight and timing of Hunt’s scene. While Edgar-Jones sells it well, it feels like it’s there to check a box rather than be an organic moment of humanity.

Just like with Twister, the real draw of the film is the visuals and the inarguable awesomeness of these storms. That’s why we’re seeing this movie in the first place. As an action vehicle, Twisters accomplishes its goal. We get plenty of gorgeously rendered tornados. We get tornado chasing. We get loud noises and people running from tornados and explosions and fire-nados and fireworks-nados and two gorgeous lead actors in tight white shirts. Not good enough? Let’s dump water on them. There we go.

Rating: Ask for half your money back, but they can keep the S.

“Trolls Band Together” - Road trip.

In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to milk every franchise into a desiccated husk, they present to us Trolls Band Together. While being the third film entry in the franchise, Band Together is also preceded by two holiday specials and two television series spanning 104 episodes. If there was anything left for this franchise to give, Hollywood pulled out all the stops to squeeze it out. And by all the stops I mean rehash the plot of the first movie and convince NSYNC to perform its first original song in twenty-two years as a forgettable cameo in the movie’s epilogue.

In my review of Five Nights at Freddy’s, I noted that the movie felt like an episode of Scooby-Doo. Maybe having that fresh in my brain is the reason I feel like Band Together is essentially an episode of Smurfs. In fact, the entire franchise is essentially a remake of Smurfs. A race of tiny, musical beings featuring a pointy head covering and living in the forest are constantly in danger of being eaten by giant humanoids. I’m very disappointed in myself for taking seven years to see the similarities.

When Branch (Justin Timberlake) was in diapers, he performed with his four older brothers in a boyband called BroZone. The oldest brother, John Dory (Eric Andre), was obsessed with the group hitting the perfect family harmony (which we’re told can shatter diamond), eventually driving all five siblings apart. Fast-forward to the present where Branch and Queen Poppy (Anna Kendrick) are helping plan and execute the wedding of Gristle Jr. (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) and Bridget (Zooey Deschanel). You remember the Gristle and Bridget, don’t you? They are two of the Gargamels, er...Bergens, creatures who are now friends with the trolls after spending years literally eating trolls.

Midway through the wedding ceremony, John Dory crashes the proceedings, interrupting to inform Branch that their brother Floyd (Troye Sivan) is being held prisoner in Mount Rageous by pop-star siblings Velvet (Amy Schumer) and Veneer (Andrew Rannells). Like the Bergens, Velvet and Veneer are tall, human-esque beings trading trolls’ lives for their own happiness. In this case, the duet have imprisoned Floyd in a magic diamond perfume bottle that sucks out his talent and gives it to whomever sprays themselves with the bottle. If that doesn’t scream Gargamel plot, I don’t smurf what does.

Like the first Trolls, Poppy and Branch set out on a rescue quest before Floyd is (figuratively) eaten. As the title suggests, in order to save Floyd, they have to get the band back together. And I hope you are a fan of family members squabbling on a road trip. If not, the phrase “are we there yet” is going to be the only thought you have for a large chunk of the film.

Like all road trips, there are stops along the way to break up the bickering. The first is Vacay Island, filled with people similar to those in Mount Rageous, but Rastafarian surfers instead of the rage partiers of Mount Rageous. Spruce (Daveed Diggs) also lives on the island, married to a Vacay Islander and has children with her. This reproductive implausibility is directly pondered by the group, forcing us and our children to also ponder it. It’s funny until your brain conjures an image, then it’s just fun.

The second location is an abandoned Bergen miniature golf course inhabited by trolls. In a half-baked, completely unnecessary subplot, these trolls turn out to be a group left behind when the rest of the trolls escaped the Bergen troll tree prison at the beginning of the first film. Plus, the last brother, Clay (Kid Cudi), is there. The leader of the group is Poppy’s long-lost sister Viva (Camila Cabello), who Poppy did not know existed. Viva and friends still think Bergens want to eat them, so try to force Poppy and the gang to remain with them. While Poppy is ecstatic that she has a sibling (after spending most of her screen time wishing she had a sibling), the quest must go on. Poppy and Clay depart, leaving Viva with the knowledge that Bergens no longer eat trolls, setting up a contrived reason for Viva to show up in the climax (involving the honeymooning Gristle and Bridget).

While I was fairly entertained (I always enjoy quest stories), Band Together pales in comparison to the original Trolls (though is much better than the atrocious Trolls World Tour). Almost no time is spent exploring the new realms or species we’re introduced to. Poppy and Branch experience zero character growth. Gristle and Bridget are reduced to punchlines. The new characters introduced are so thin they are barely one-dimensional. Worst of all, Cloud Guy - the best character in the whole franchise - is only on screen for a couple of seconds. And that’s before we note that getting the band back together to hit the perfect family harmony is a big MacGuffin. Why not just take the lid off the perfume bottle? I’m pretty sure that’s what the Smurfs would have done.

It's easy to dismiss any criticism by saying adults are not the target audience for this film. Except, we very clearly are. NSYNC broke up twenty-one years ago, so today’s kids don’t know what a Joey Fatone is. This makes the NSYNC cameo in Band Together meaningless to everyone who can’t legally drink. Then there is the soundtrack, featuring hits from decades ago, from Weezer’s “Island in the Sun” to The Beatles “Eleanor Rigby” to Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5.” Troll dolls themselves debuted in 1959, hitting popular heights in the 1960s and again in the 1990s. And don’t forget the movie asks the audience to imagine what it would look like if a troll doll had sex with a giraffe. There’s more than one way to hit the perfect family harmony.

Rating: Ask for eight smurfs back.

“Haunted Mansion” - Disney Scary.

The Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland was my favorite ride when I was a kid. I loved it so much that I would listen to my 78-rpm story-book record over and over until I fell asleep at night. And don’t think that I’ve grown out of it. I own Haunted Mansion shirts, a lanyard, a throw pillow, refrigerator magnets, and multiple pairs of socks. The best part is my family loves it as much as I do. My wife has a framed schematic of the patented ride vehicle and replica canvas paintings of the four paintings in the stretching room. Yeah. We’re weird and we own it.

So does my son. He always wants to ride the Haunted Mansion ride when we visit Disneyland and Disney World and after watching the new Haunted Mansion movie, he really wanted me to interview him about it. We both enjoyed the movie and agree that it works because they leaned into the ride as hard as they could. Here is what he had to say...

On a scale of one to ten, ten being highest, how excited were you to see Haunted Mansion?

Probably a sssssseven...?

Where does the Haunted Mansion ride rank for you of all the rides at Magic Kingdom?

Probably six?

So your excitement for the movie matches the ride?

I guess.

Why weren’t you more exited for Haunted Mansion?

I don’t know, I just wasn’t.

Did you see the previous The Haunted Mansion movie?

Yes.

On a scale of one to ten, how good was that previous movie?

Probably a negative two.

So what about the new movie makes it better?

It’s just more like the ride. It’s creepier. The mood is more Haunted Mansion-y.

Is your favorite part of the ride in this movie?

Kiiiind of.

Tell us about that.

My favorite part is where you go backwards and down in the graveyard, with the flying ghosts everywhere...oh wait! Yeah, it did happen in the movie!

Did they do a good job with that part?

More on the good side.

How? What made it good? Tell me about the scene.

Well, there’s ghosts flying around everywhere in the graveyard.

How did they get the ride part in there?

Because you’re in a graveyard with ghosts flying around everywhere.

What other parts of the ride did they do a good job with in the movie?

The guy with the dog.

The groundskeeper?

Yeah! It looked like him

Was he a main character in the movie?

No, he was very background character.

What other characters from the ride are in the movie?

The main villain - I forgot his name.

The hat box ghost (Jared Leto)?

Yeah. Also the bride with the axe (Lindsay Lamb).

Anyone else?

The floating candlestick.

Was that a main character in the movie?

*laughs* No!

Who were the protagonists in the movie?

There was...Ben (LaKeith Stanfield).  There was a kid (Chase Dillon)...what was the kid’s name? And a mom (Rosario Dawson).

Who else?

Danny DeVito. Owen Wilson - the fraud exorcist. And the fortune teller person (Tiffany Haddish).

Of the protagonists, who was your favorite?

The kid, obviously.

What was the kid’s story?

Well his dad died? Oh yeah, his dad died and they wanted to move, and they moved to that house and they didn’t know it was haunted but then since a ghost follows you home, they had to come back. Because everywhere they went, they were being haunted.

That’s a cool thing they were doing with the horror movie cliche - why they don’t leave the house.

Oh! Another part they did good with the ride - was the clock with the 13 hours. The hallway of haunts banging on the doors. The scene with the candlestick. The knight statue...

The suit of armor?

Yeah.

Did they have pretty much everything from the ride in the movie?

No.

What was missing?

The guy in the coffin. *makes whiney noises and pushing palm of hand up toward the ceiling*

What would have been a funny way to incorporate the person trapped in the coffin?

If it was one of the protagonists trying to get out of it.

What is the villain trying to do in the movie?

Trying to get a thousand happy haunts to have a lot of power or whatever.

Was the villain scary, or lame, or...

He was “Disney scary” [chuckles] oh and I like that they incorporated the heads that follow you around. The ones that look at you while you walk around.

Are people who like the ride going to like the movie?

Yeah, I would assume so.

Would you tell people if you like the ride, you’ll like the movie?

Yeah, I would say that.

Besides the kid, who was your next favorite character?

Obviously, danny devito

Why Danny DeVito?

Because Danny DeVito. That’s why.

Will kids be scared by the movie?

Maybe five-year-old kids. Very small children probably. But kids my age, no.

Now that the movie has come out, do you think there is anything from the movie that you think they’ll put in the ride? The same way they put Jack sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride? Or is there something from the movie that you’d like to see put in the ride?

Ummm...Danny Devito.

Rating: Which one is worth more of your money - the ride or the movie?

That’s a good question. I think I would pay slightly more for the ride because you’re THERE, and it’s not on a screen.

Special Disney Rating: If there were a line for the movie, how many minutes would you wait before you said nah?

Ffffffff...fifty.

 

 

“No Hard Feelings” - Oh, the humanity.

After reading the synopsis of No Hard Feelings I immediately wondered why an established and renowned actor like Jennifer Lawrence would choose to star in a film with all the hallmarks of a soiled diaper. It's an understatement to say this kind of film is beneath Lawrence at this point in her career. Not only has she seen massive popularity and success from the X-Men and Hunger Games franchises, but she has so many accolades that her accolades have their own wiki page. No Hard Feelings is the type of movie that aspiring actors take to get their foot in the door. Or the type of movie Nicholas Cage takes to pay off massive debts. Lawrence is neither of those things.

The synopsis of No Hard Feelings is a that a mom and dad offers to pay a woman a car to date their son before he goes off to college at Princeton. It’s the plot of Can’t Buy Me Love, but if it had been rotting in the sun for weeks. Or She’s All That. Or Easy A. Or 10 Things I Hate About You. I’m sure you can name more movies featuring fake dating. What I can’t name is another movie where parents are the ones funding the fake dating; definitely not one where the payment is a used Buick Regal.

Maddie Barker (Lawrence) is a thirty-two-year-old bartender/Uber driver living in her deceased mother’s house in Montauk. She wakes up one morning to find her car being towed, seized by the county for failing to pay her property taxes. Desperate for a car - which she needs to make money as a driver during the busy summer season - she responds to an ad offering a car to date nineteen-year-old Percy Becker (Andrew Barth Feldman). And by date, Percy’s parents Laird and Allison (Matthew Broderick and Laura Benanti, respectively) make clear they mean have sex with. That’s right folks - they’ll supply Maddie with a ride after she gives their son a ride. And Maddie really, really needs that ride. The first one…not the second one.

The awkwardness of the conversation between Maddie and Percy’s parents is indicative of the entire film. Both are one long cringe occasionally interrupted by something mildly resembling comedy. The conversation scene has a moment where the parents ask Maddie how old she really is (the ad asked for early twenties) and Maddie convincing them she’s a better choice because younger women are idiots. Hahaha...wait - didn’t we just watch Maddie attempt to climb a staircase while wearing rollerblades rather than simply take them off and walk up the stairs? The same Maddie we watched simultaneously berate and attempt to seduce the repo man in an effort to keep her car? Are we idiots for not walking out of the theater at this point?

That initial conversation is also how we learn about Percy. According to his parents, Percy is a shy, friendless shut-in only interested in playing video games. Percy has zero experience with girls, drinking, parties, or sex, but does browse an extensive amount of online porn. The obvious play for Maddie is to act as the girl-next-door so as not to frighten the nervous little rabbit that is Percy. But, as I pointed out, Maddie’s an idiot.

Because she needs the car as soon as possible, Maddie puts on her slinkiest dress, goes to the animal shelter where Percy volunteers at, and comes on to Percy so hard that it’s a wonder every dog in the building didn’t try to hump her legs. Percy is understandably confused, but Maddie has only just begun. She then forces Percy to accept a ride home from her (she borrowed her friends’ work van which couldn’t possibly be used as an Uber vehicle), only to be maced by Percy after he comes to the conclusion she is kidnapping him. The scene ends with Percy literally hosing Maddie down in her front yard, then accepting a date with her for the following day. Are you laughing yet? No? Don’t walk but run away from this movie if you are still there.

The rest of the film plays out like that scene, following the standard rom-com formula, but without the rom or the com. Following the, um, meet-cute, there are a couple more really awkward scenes where Maddie is using every euphemism she can think of to entice Percy to have sex, even literally stripping off her clothes in front of him (in a skinny-dipping scene). Then there are misunderstandings and setbacks, a montage of the two of them doing activities together, the big reveal of the secret agreement, the separation, and finally the reconciliation. None of these things are earned or developed. Instead, the film lurches from one formula step to the next until it finally collapses on you in a heap of unsatisfaction.

To put it gently, screenwriters John Phillips and Gene Stupnitsky (also directing) wrote an idiotic screenplay. The movie is nothing but a series of increasingly inexplicable events, with Percy and Maddie frequently becoming fed up with each other only to immediately change their minds moments later. It’s quite jarring and off-putting, especially because Maddie and Percy aren’t particularly likeable humans. At no point do we ever root for the two of them to get together, short term or long term. And I can’t stress enough how cringeworthy and unfunny most of scenes are. It doesn’t help that bits of social commentary are sprinkled throughout the movie but are never examined or tied into the plot or events to mean anything.

As much as I like Jennifer Lawrence, this is easily her worst film. I don’t blame her, or Feldman for that matter, for this turd of a film. They both turn in decent performances and are clearly trying to carry a movie that doesn’t deserve them. The entire movie comes off like something that people thought sounded funny on paper, but who don’t have senses of humor. Or worse, that it sounded remotely romantic on paper. Worst of all is my question still remains - why Jennifer, why?

Rating: Don’t be an idiot - ask for all your money back.

“Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny” - The last, last, last crusade.

Dear Indiana Jones Fans,

First, we’d like to thank you for supporting Indiana Jones. Without fans like you, Dr. Jones’ rich world universe of movies, comic books, novels, video games, pinball machines, a television series, a theme park ride, a stunt show, and countless merchandise would not have been possible. Even if you aren’t aware that most of those things existed, we assure you that they are all real things, many of which at least several of you enjoyed.

We would also like to extend our sincerest apologies for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. We didn’t want to make it either, but we signed a deal in the late 1970s with Paramount Pictures to make five Indiana Jones films. Paramount was upset that we titled the third film The Last Crusade and even more upset that it was an exceptionally good way to end a (sort-of) trilogy. They threatened to let Michael Bay write and direct two more if we didn’t do them, so you can see we really didn’t have a choice. Plus, they insisted we cast Shia LaBeouf and center the plot around aliens and CGI because Transformers was far more successful than they expected. Again, we are deeply sorry.

Luckily, Disney bought us in 2012. They were just as upset at Crystal Skull as you, noting that the wait time for their Disneyland theme park ride had dropped from seventy-five minutes to three minutes. Crowds for Epcot’s stunt show dwindled as well, in no small part due to a familiar-looking young man insisting the stunt show needed to incorporate swinging from vines. With Disney in control of our franchise rights, they told us to fulfill our contract to Paramount with a final movie respecting the heart of the franchise and that they did not know what a Mutt Williams was.

To show how much we appreciate your continued support of the franchise (especially the shockingly high $791 million box office), we present to you Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny. We swear Dial of Destiny will be the last Indiana Jones movie. I know you’ve heard this before, but this time we really mean it. We even had Harrison Ford go on the record (NBC’s Today - May, 2019) saying “I’m Indiana Jones. When I’m gone, he’s gone.” Nineteen years passed between The Last Crusade and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, another fifteen years to Dial of Destiny, and Ford will be eighty-one years old next month. You do the math.

Dial of Destiny has all the things you love about Indiana Jones adventures. Jones using his bullwhip. Jones punching people. Jones pursuing an ancient relic/MacGuffin. Jones explaining the history and mythology of that ancient relic. Jones fighting Nazis. Jones riding a horse. Jones picking up his hat. Closeups of Jones’ hat. Jones lecturing a bunch of college students in a classroom. Jones driving a vehicle in a chase scene. We even used CGI to de-age Jones for an opening scene where he tries to recover a different ancient relic than the main story ancient relic. Oh...and Sallah (John Rhys-Davies) is there too.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t bring back everything you love. This is the first Indiana Jones movie that isn’t directed by Steven Spielberg. We left many, many (many) messages and, eventually, his assistant called us and said Steven was busy making a movie that Steven says will be THE defining biopic of cinema. Now that we are done making Dial of Destiny, we’re excited to have free time to watch Spielberg’s movie to find out which great person of history Spielberg pointed his camera at.

Dial of Destiny is also the first Indiana Jones movie not written by George Lucas. You’re welcome.

We think you’ll be happy to hear that James Mangold agreed to direct and help write the screenplay for Dial of Destiny. Mangold was nominated for Academy Awards for Best Director for Ford v. Ferrari and Best Adapted Screenplay for Logan, so rest assured Dial of Destiny was in good hands. In addition, Mangold brought with him Jez and John-Henry Butterworth - the writers of Ford v. Ferrari. Finally, we added David Koepp as a fourth writer, who has helped write many good movies (Jurassic Park, Spider-Man, Mission: Impossible), many other less good movies (The Shadow, Snake Eyes, The Mummy (2017)), and that he is very, very sorry he answered George Lucas’ phone calls while writing Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

We’re also excited to tell you about the other main characters. Phoebe Waller-Bridge plays Indy’s goddaughter/archaeologist Helena Shaw, the daughter of Indy’s friend Basil (Toby Jones). Helena wants to find the ancient relic so she can sell it and she needs Indy’s help to get it. Waller-Bridge attacks her role with the same gusto as Karen Allen did in Raiders of the Lost Ark. She will quip and smirk and archaeology so much you’ll think she’s a female incarnation of Indy himself.

Opposite them, Mads Mikkelsen plays an evil Nazi scientist named Jurgen Voller and nobody does evil villain like Mikkelsen. Like every Indiana Jones villain, Voller wants the ancient relic for its mythical power in order to help the Nazis take over the world. Also like every Indiana Jones villain, Voller is very one-dimensional to ensure there is no chance you will ever sympathize with him.

Everything else we did with the movie, we did with you, the fans, in mind. In honor of the previous films, we put in a bunch of easter eggs. We added a fun kid sidekick, Teddy (Ethann Isidore), a Moroccan teenager who helps Helena. He is no Short Round and, now that we think about it, adds nothing to the story or events. But we couldn’t find a way that drinking blood, ripping hearts out, or surviving a fall from an airplane in an inflatable raft made sense in this movie, so we went with the kid. Also, Sallah is there.

We cast Antonio Banderas as Renaldo, a new “old” friend of Indy’s for a fun underwater diving scene. We refrained from using too much CGI and filmed a ton of practical effects in several locations around the world. We put in a gigantic henchman for Indy to fight. We even decided to finally show the full power of the artifact, which we feel was the one flaw in the first three movies. We just know you’ll love it the same way you love it when monster movies show the monster in the first act of the film.

In gratitude to you, we spent $295 million dollars to make certain Dial of Destiny is at least the fourth best Indiana Jones movie. You might even say the third best. We appreciate your forty years of devotion and hope you enjoy watching Dial of Destiny as much as we enjoyed making it. Even if you don’t, we think you’d agree that shouldn’t ask for more than eight dollars back.

Yours truly,

The Indiana Jones Franchise