“Tron: Ares” - We used smaller words this time.

It's been fifteen years since Tron: Legacy came out and about a hundred years since the original Tron released, based on how much Jeff Bridges appears to have aged. So, if you forgot everything about both Tron movies like I did, that’s ok. I watched Legacy again prior to screening Tron: Ares and you definitely don’t need to. Not only is Ares a completely different story, but Ares even takes a moment to explain what you’re seeing using words with fewer than four syllables.

Raise your hand if you know what an isomorphic algorithm is or means. One of you, maybe? Unless you have a degree in computer science or memorized a dictionary, Tron: Legacy was very confusing. How about this - when you watched Tron or Tron: Legacy, did you understand that everyone and everything you saw in the grid (the computer world) was anthropomorphized computer software and hardware? You’re lost again, aren’t you? Well, I’ve got good news for you. Tron: Ares still features software depicted as humans and machines and stuff, but now you don’t need a background in programming to understand it.

Ares (Jared Leto) is a security program designed by Julian Dillinger (Evan Peters), CEO of Dillinger Systems. Julian’s company has figured out how to bring anything from the grid into the real world using lasers. Tanks, airplanes, guns, Ares...anything. Think 3-D printing, but way cooler. Dillinger is hoping to convince the military to give his company contracts to create an infinite supply of weapons and soldiers. The catch is that those same weapons and soldiers disintegrate after twenty-nine minutes. To resolve this problem, Julian needs the permanence code. Yes, that code does exactly what you think it does.

Also searching for the permanence code is Eve Kim (Greta Lee), CEO of ENCON International. Eve’s company has also figured out to bring anything from the grid into the real world using lasers. Eve is trying to find the code in order finish her sister’s work (her sister died from cancer), which was to use the code to cure cancer and solve world hunger (also using that laser technology). In case you’re not sure who the good guys are, the bad guys are the ones wearing red.

Well, except Ares. He starts out as a bad guy, but it’s pretty obvious early in the film that Ares will become a good guy. You see, this movie is mainly about artificial intelligence because all the Tron movies are about artificial intelligence. And in movies, artificial intelligence always evolves beyond its original programming. In this case, Ares evolves to understand empathy by observing Eve and Dillinger. Eve shows empathy and Dillinger shows a lack of it. Ares agrees to help Eve in exchange for Eve adding the permanence code to Ares so he can escape from Dillinger’s grid forever.

Got all that? It might sound a bit complicated, but it boils down to a race for a MacGuffin to turn Pinocchio into a real boy, cure cancer, and feed the hungry or...make lots of money by promoting war. And it’s a really fun race because Tron movies are quite entertaining when you get past all of the philosophical mumbo jumbo.

Like Legacy, Ares features great special effects, great action sequences, and a killer soundtrack (this time from Nine Inch Nails). Visually, the coolest thing Ares does is mix some of the digital world stuff into the real world. Picture one of those flying, blocky arch things crashing through real-world buildings. Or a lightcycle battle through the streets of a real-world city. Don’t worry - there are also some fantastic action scenes inside the grid. And for you weirdos that loved the look of the first Tron, Ares even includes a sequence of scenes that take place in creator Kevin Flynn’s (Jeff Bridges) original grid, 1982 special effects and all.

Even better is the music. I enjoyed Daft Punk’s music in Legacy, but Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross of Nine Inch Nails created something really special for Ares. Every bit of music seemed to perfectly fit each scene and hearing and feeling it in IMAX was exquisite. It’s the kind of thing that makes you want to tell your parents “I told you so” (if, like me, you grew up when Nine Inch Nails peaked in popularity).

Given how long it’s been since Legacy, it was a bit of surprise to find out a new Tron movie was even coming out. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I’d be lying if I said my expectations weren’t very guarded. I’d also be lying if I told you I didn’t notice a couple of flaws. Even in this much more streamlined and simplified story, there are a couple of plot holes that are worth an eyebrow raise. And Gillian Anderson (playing Dillinger’s mother) choosing to affect a thick English accent despite nobody else joining her was worth raising both eyebrows. Not that I blame her - her role is almost comically thankless.

But the film as a whole more than made up for those things, including supporting performances from Jodie Turner-Smith as Ares’ subordinate Athena and Arturo Castro as Eve’s fellow programmer (comedic relief). By focusing and improving on the things people really liked in previous films and dispensing with nearly all of the computer jargon, Ares is a neurologically pleasing technical and aesthetic achievement. Or to put it in words you (and Kevin Flynn) would understand, the film is rad, man.

Rating: Don’t ask for any money back, digital or analog.

“Haunted Mansion” - Disney Scary.

The Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland was my favorite ride when I was a kid. I loved it so much that I would listen to my 78-rpm story-book record over and over until I fell asleep at night. And don’t think that I’ve grown out of it. I own Haunted Mansion shirts, a lanyard, a throw pillow, refrigerator magnets, and multiple pairs of socks. The best part is my family loves it as much as I do. My wife has a framed schematic of the patented ride vehicle and replica canvas paintings of the four paintings in the stretching room. Yeah. We’re weird and we own it.

So does my son. He always wants to ride the Haunted Mansion ride when we visit Disneyland and Disney World and after watching the new Haunted Mansion movie, he really wanted me to interview him about it. We both enjoyed the movie and agree that it works because they leaned into the ride as hard as they could. Here is what he had to say...

On a scale of one to ten, ten being highest, how excited were you to see Haunted Mansion?

Probably a sssssseven...?

Where does the Haunted Mansion ride rank for you of all the rides at Magic Kingdom?

Probably six?

So your excitement for the movie matches the ride?

I guess.

Why weren’t you more exited for Haunted Mansion?

I don’t know, I just wasn’t.

Did you see the previous The Haunted Mansion movie?

Yes.

On a scale of one to ten, how good was that previous movie?

Probably a negative two.

So what about the new movie makes it better?

It’s just more like the ride. It’s creepier. The mood is more Haunted Mansion-y.

Is your favorite part of the ride in this movie?

Kiiiind of.

Tell us about that.

My favorite part is where you go backwards and down in the graveyard, with the flying ghosts everywhere...oh wait! Yeah, it did happen in the movie!

Did they do a good job with that part?

More on the good side.

How? What made it good? Tell me about the scene.

Well, there’s ghosts flying around everywhere in the graveyard.

How did they get the ride part in there?

Because you’re in a graveyard with ghosts flying around everywhere.

What other parts of the ride did they do a good job with in the movie?

The guy with the dog.

The groundskeeper?

Yeah! It looked like him

Was he a main character in the movie?

No, he was very background character.

What other characters from the ride are in the movie?

The main villain - I forgot his name.

The hat box ghost (Jared Leto)?

Yeah. Also the bride with the axe (Lindsay Lamb).

Anyone else?

The floating candlestick.

Was that a main character in the movie?

*laughs* No!

Who were the protagonists in the movie?

There was...Ben (LaKeith Stanfield).  There was a kid (Chase Dillon)...what was the kid’s name? And a mom (Rosario Dawson).

Who else?

Danny DeVito. Owen Wilson - the fraud exorcist. And the fortune teller person (Tiffany Haddish).

Of the protagonists, who was your favorite?

The kid, obviously.

What was the kid’s story?

Well his dad died? Oh yeah, his dad died and they wanted to move, and they moved to that house and they didn’t know it was haunted but then since a ghost follows you home, they had to come back. Because everywhere they went, they were being haunted.

That’s a cool thing they were doing with the horror movie cliche - why they don’t leave the house.

Oh! Another part they did good with the ride - was the clock with the 13 hours. The hallway of haunts banging on the doors. The scene with the candlestick. The knight statue...

The suit of armor?

Yeah.

Did they have pretty much everything from the ride in the movie?

No.

What was missing?

The guy in the coffin. *makes whiney noises and pushing palm of hand up toward the ceiling*

What would have been a funny way to incorporate the person trapped in the coffin?

If it was one of the protagonists trying to get out of it.

What is the villain trying to do in the movie?

Trying to get a thousand happy haunts to have a lot of power or whatever.

Was the villain scary, or lame, or...

He was “Disney scary” [chuckles] oh and I like that they incorporated the heads that follow you around. The ones that look at you while you walk around.

Are people who like the ride going to like the movie?

Yeah, I would assume so.

Would you tell people if you like the ride, you’ll like the movie?

Yeah, I would say that.

Besides the kid, who was your next favorite character?

Obviously, danny devito

Why Danny DeVito?

Because Danny DeVito. That’s why.

Will kids be scared by the movie?

Maybe five-year-old kids. Very small children probably. But kids my age, no.

Now that the movie has come out, do you think there is anything from the movie that you think they’ll put in the ride? The same way they put Jack sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride? Or is there something from the movie that you’d like to see put in the ride?

Ummm...Danny Devito.

Rating: Which one is worth more of your money - the ride or the movie?

That’s a good question. I think I would pay slightly more for the ride because you’re THERE, and it’s not on a screen.

Special Disney Rating: If there were a line for the movie, how many minutes would you wait before you said nah?

Ffffffff...fifty.