Thursday, February 29, 2024

“Dune: Part Two” - Sand-witches.

It dawned on me that Dune: Part 2 is the first of two movies this year that will feature sandworms. I’m certain that Dune: Part 2 will be the better one, though that isn’t saying much considering the second one is Beetlejuice Beetlejuice. No, that isn’t a typo, that’s really the title. Apparently, whoever came up with that title isn’t aware that it takes saying Beetlejuice three times to summon Beetlejuice. Or…they’re TOO aware, and they know exactly what they’re doing. What was I saying? Oh yeah - sandworms.

The moment in Dune: Part Two when Paul Attreides (Timothee Chalamet) rides a sandworm for the first time made a light bulb go on in my head - that filmmakers should have leaned into immersive sound rather than 3-D visuals two decades ago. I don’t know if the particular theater I was in just had the sound turned up to Marty McFly levels or if the seats were somehow wired into the sound system, but it felt like I was riding the sandworm alongside Paul. It was awesome and all theaters should do this. And it was like that in other scenes, too. I could feel the chopping of the ornithopters blades and the rumbling of the spice harvesters. It was everything 3-D was aiming for without having to put an accessory on my face. I imagine the sound might cause some queasiness and headaches for some people (just like with 3-D), but at least the sandworm ride is worth puking for.

As for the rest of the movie, it was just awesome. When we last saw Paul at the end of Part One, he was...um, in the desert with Chani (Zendaya). That was honestly all I could remember when Part Two started and my mind was racing to try to recall more details. Luckily, Princess Irulan (Florence Pugh) journals. Reading as she writes, she helpfully recalls the events of Part One and in an organic way rather than the film lazily splashing title cards up during the opening. Director Denis Villeneuve was definitely paying attention during film class.

As we open Part Two, the Harkonnen’s now control the planet Arrakis and its unique resource, melange (spice). Glossu Harkonnen (Dave Bautista) governs the planet and is trying to stop the constant Fremen raids that interrupt spice production. Paul and his mother Jessica (Rebecca Ferguson) live among the desert Fremen people. Paul assists with raids and Jessica manipulates the Fremen into seeing Paul as a prophesied savior. Jessica is also pregnant with a girl that she literally talks with throughout the film. If you didn’t already think this movie was weird, wait until you see a bunch of shots of a fetus in-utero.


That is basically the movie. At a nearly three-hour runtime, that might sound a bit long and boring, but the excellent pacing and phenomenal cinematography make the film seem brisk. And don’t underestimate the intrigue of the story. Dune is Game of Thrones in space, with some Gladiator thrown in. Families jockeying for control where one family is seemingly benevolent while another is ruthless and cunning. On top of that, there is a religious sect quietly manipulating events; in Dune’s case, they are the Bene Gesserit (including Jessica), a group comprised entirely of women and talk in the ways of magic. You know...witches.

Speaking of witch...Jessica is my favorite character. Among an amazing cast of actors all nailing their performances, Ferguson tops them all. Through two films, Jessica has gone from devoted wife and meek member of the witch order to a kingmaker, a leader, and person whose eyes contain an intensity that would make a sandworm flee in terror. Part One kept her somewhat subdued, only hinting at her power, intelligence, and maybe even possible malice. Part Two has those things on full display, including a telepathic stare-down with the head Bene Gesserit reverend mother, Gaius (Charlotte Rampling), where Jessica taunts Gaius with her and Paul’s success.

The twist in the overarching story is that Jessica has been secretly training Paul in the ways of the Bene Gesserit (which we also saw in Part One). Paul’s additional abilities allow him to gain the trust of the Fremen, including tribal leader Stilgar (Javier Bardem), and aid in his abilities to do things that should kill him. All of this comes to a crescendo involving another Harkonnen son, Feyd-Rautha (Austin Butler).

The results of this training allow Chalamet to finally explore and portray the multi-faceted Paul. Like Jessica, Paul starts out as the good son to his father, doing everything a prince is supposed to do, only to later morph into a potential god-king. Chalamet exudes every bit of those facets in Paul, as well as inheriting and exhibiting his mother’s dagger-staring eyes. It’s chilling and awe-inspiring to see two actors so able to convey emotions with nothing more than facial expressions.

The only criticism I have of Part Two is that it’s such an amazing watch that I’m annoyed I have to wait for Part 3 (Messiah). While Part Two completes the adaptation of Frank Herbert’s original novel, the film (like the book) leaves subplots unresolved, tantalizing us with what’s to come. Just like the three-year wait for Part Two, it’ll be a long, hard wait. But it’ll be worth it to see, and maybe even feel, more death glares from Jessica.

Rating: Worth double the cost of the amazing Dune popcorn bucket you simply cannot pass up.

Thursday, February 22, 2024

“Drive-Away Dolls” - Rated I for immature.

The Coen brothers (Ethan and Joel) are known for their quirky, darkly comedic movies. Perhaps more than that, they are known for making movies as a pair. While they don’t make blockbuster type films, you have probably seen at least one of their films and remember something specific about that film. A dude in a bowling alley, Brad Pitt doing a funny dance, Javier Bardem’s bolt pistol, “Man of Constant Sorrow,” a wood chipper. I don’t know about you, but I’ve often wondered which Coen thought up which elements in their films. Now that Ethan has gone off on his own with his solo debut of Drive-Away Dolls, I think I know the answer.

The synopsis for Drive-Away Dolls is “In search of a fresh start, two women embark on an impromptu road trip to Tallahassee, Florida. However, things quickly go awry when they cross paths with a group of inept criminals along the way.” Those are certainly words in a sentence and a couple of them even accurately summarize the film. Two women, Jamie (Margaret Qualley) and Marian (Geraldine Viswanathan), do indeed go on a road trip to Tallahassee. But they are not searching for a fresh start, it isn’t impromptu, and it doesn’t go awry because of inept criminals. Oh - and Jamie and Margaret are lesbians that do lesbian things. Let’s try that synopsis again - “Ethan Coen’s horny 14-year-old boy fantasy of what lesbians do and also throw in some goofy criminals to make it feel more Coen-y.” There. Fixed it.

I’m confident now that Ethan is the mastermind behind such Coen movie elements as the wood chipper scene in Fargo. Drive-Away Dolls opens with a similarly grisly scene involving a cork-screw, a knife, two thumbs, and Pedro Pascal. Santos (Pascal) is supposed to be meeting someone at a restaurant and is clutching a silver briefcase like it contains whatever was in Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase in Pulp Fiction. That someone is a no-show and Pascal ends up trapped in an alley by the restaurant’s cook and his utensils. This scene appeared to be setting the tone of the film and my curiosity was piqued.

The next scene opens with a woman screaming in ecstasy, her large breasts filling the screen. A phone rings and Jamie’s head emerges from between the woman’s legs. I’m not trying to be gratuitous here, but Ethan Coen sure seemed to be. Remember, these two scenes are how this film begins. That’s not to say the scenes don’t have a purpose. The briefcase is the MacGuffin of the film, instantly becoming the only thing the audience is cares about. We have to know what’s in the briefcase. And what better way is there to distract the audience from that thought than boobs and oral sex? Seriously, what’s in that case?


The movie then stumbles into its premise. Jamie’s girlfriend Sukie (Beanie Feldstein) - who isn’t the screaming breasts we saw - breaks up with her over Jamie’s promiscuity, so Jamie hijacks her friend Marian’s planned road trip to visit Marian’s aunt. Jamie tells her about a service called drive-away, where they can pay to drive a car to a destination for a third-party. Is this a real thing? I don’t know. What’s in the briefcase?

As is typical of Coen flicks, a mix-up occurs and a trio of heavies (Colman Domingo, Joey Slotnick, C.J. Wilson) sets about tracking down the girls in order to recover the case (which is in the trunk of the car for...reasons). And, as is also typical of Coen flicks, some of the characters have diarrhea of the mouth. The only time Jamie stops talking is when someone else’s body part is in her mouth. Not to be outdone, one of the heavies, Arliss (Slotnick), spends the entire film berating his partner Flint (Wilson) and arguing at him (Flint rarely says a word). While there are some funny lines of dialogue, they are mostly surrounded by rambling. Just because something isn’t naked or bleeding, doesn’t mean it’s not gratuitous.

Speaking of which, are lesbians obsessed with penises? Do they all have at least two dildos in their homes? Do they have make-out parties in their basements with each other? Do they invite other random girls they meet in road-side diners to these make-out parties? Did Ethan Coen watch a porno and think it was non-fiction? Judging by Drive-Away Dolls, Coen did and they do. But they don’t have pillow fights in their underwear. Let’s not get carried away.

If this review seems a little bit all over the place, that’s how the movie felt. It’s about a couple of guys trying to retrieve a briefcase with something valuable in it...unless it’s really about two girls discovering their feelings for each other because Jamie decided her purpose in life was to get Marian laid (this is seriously Jamie’s goal for the first two acts of the movie). At one moment, the lead heavy, Chief (Domingo), is ordering Flint and Arliss to go to a new location, the next moment Marian is being arrested for walking at night. And if you were hoping for a generous amount of screen time for Matt Damon and Pedro Pascal, keep hoping because they are in the movie for about thirty seconds. The only real conclusion I can draw from this film is that Joel Coen is the mature brother and keeps Ethan in check when they are working together. If Joel were involved in Drive-Away Dolls, I think the contents of the briefcase would have been very different.

Rating: Ask for eight dollars back and for Ethan to grow up a little.

Saturday, February 3, 2024

“Argylle” - The Cat in the Pack.

There are many right and wrong ways to write a screenplay. Here is the way Argylle was probably written, complete with director’s notes (in this case, Matthew Vaughn or MV here) and SPOILERS. 

Title: Not Another Kingsman Movie.

MV: I see what you did there. We’re doing another quasi-spoof spy movie that isn’t Kingsman. Har-har.

Title: Argylle

Screenplay by: Jason Fuchs

MV: I mean, it’s not NOT another Kingsman Movie. I’ll explain later.

Premise: Spy novelist Elly Conway is caught up in a real-life spy thriller that mirrors her books.

MV: We need a hook. This premise has been done before. I know this because I finally got around to watching The Lost City. I wonder if we can get Sandra Bullock to play Elly?

Movie Poster: Features a backpack with a cat in it.

MV: Great hook. People love cat videos and the cat will be the lynchpin of the entire movie.

Note to MV when he reads this: The cat has nothing to do with the plot. It’s not even named Argylle, which is what people will think when they see the poster. The cat is just going to be the butt of a few jokes, at least one of which might be funny and several of which will be based on the fact that the cat is still there.

MV: Sooo...the cat isn’t a spy? Or a bomb? Or some kind of gadget?

*Sigh*

PROLOGUE.

Undercover, Secret Agent Argylle enters a club in Greece. He walks to the table where Lagrange sits. Lagrange is wearing a cocktail dress that leaves little to the imagination, distracting Argylle’s attention. <Insert cheesy dialogue that leads to them dancing>. They dance.

MV: I imagine Argylle as Henry Cavill. He has John Travolta’s hair from Face/Off and Broken Arrow, but taller, flatter, and more pointy. Like he could cut glass by tilting his forehead forward.

Lagrange knows Argylle is really a spy and everyone in the club points a gun at Argylle. Argylle’s tech gal Keira helps him escape and defeat the crew, but Lagrange escapes. Chase scene ensues. Argylle’s other partner Wyatt thwarts Lagrange and the three sit down for a chat.

MV: What if, and I’m just spit-balling here, Wyatt is played by John Cena and he literally lifts Lagrange off a speeding motorcycle as she tries to speed by? And he’ll just hold her there dangling for a minute because he’s John Cena and the audience will know it’s THAT kind of movie.

ACT I

Fade to black and crosscut to a bookstore where a crowd applauds Elly as she finishes reading an excerpt from her latest spy novel, Argylle.

MV: Ooohhh! Super early twist. Me likey.

Ten minutes of filler establishing Elly is a recluse living in a mountain cabin, loves her cat, and is putting the finishing touches on her upcoming fifth Argylle book.

MV: Sandra Bullock won’t return my calls.

Elly hops on a train to Denver to go to her parent’s house to work out the ending of her book. Her mom did not like the ending. A man, Aidan, sits down across from Elly. Before she knows it, Aidan says he’s a spy and is battling a bunch of people he labels the bad guys. Action scene ensues. Elly is freaking out, but also literally imagining Aidan is Argylle. Elly’s cat is there, too, in her backpack. They escape and board a private jet to London.

MV: You get me. We’ll shift between Aidan and Argylle while the fight is happening. Argylle will smirk and wink and suave while fighting it out. Elly will be confused. I’ll get Sam Rockwell to be Aidan. He is the opposite of Henry Cavill in the muscle and hair department.

Next scene. Aidan explains that Elly’s books have predicted the spy world’s future and everyone, good and bad, has been monitoring her as she writes her next book. “Tell me where the <insert MacGuffin> is to take down THE DIVISION.” They land in London, Elly puzzles out their next location, they find a clue there, another shootout ensues. Elly suspects a double-cross.

MV: The Division. What a great name for an evil organization. The Division. I just like saying it. The Division.

Note to MV when he reads this: Stop saying The Division.

MV: Sorry. Let’s get Bryan Cranston to be the evil mastermind in charge of The Division. We’ll call him Ritter. And another twist with the double-cross. Love it. LOVE. IT.

ACT II

More twists. More action. More exposition. Everyone’s a spy! Aidan isn’t double-crossing Elly, he just wants his soulmate (and spy partner), back. Cat still there.

MV: I can’t believe Sandra Bullock gave me a fake phone number. Good thing I just watched The Help and Jurassic World back-to-back. Like sane people do. Watching Bryce Dallas Howard kick off her heels and tie her shirt in a knot is more than enough to convince me she is believable as an action star. This won’t be like that time we thought Kristen Stewart could be a Charlie’s Angel (probably).

Elly remembers where <insert MacGuffin> is. Alfred Solomon (Aidan’s boss) says “time to dress the part” and sends them to see “The Keeper of Secrets.” Dun. Dun. Dun!

MV: Weird tonal shift in Jason Fuchs’ screenplay. If I hadn’t read Jason’s screenplay for the original Nickelodeon movie Rags, I’d almost think Jason is a crazed AI.

ACT III

Ritter’s secret headquarters is an oil tanker.

MV: That’s odd. How did Jason know I wanted to name the villain Ritter? Jason, are you an AI?

Squirrel!

MV: Where?!

Rit...I mean, evil villain tortures Aidan for location of Alfred. Villain has Elly’s cat in his office. Elly shoots Aidan. Three more twists. Shootout in belly of tanker. Elly ice skates on floor covered in oil, killing every henchman as she zooms and twirls.

MV: LOVE!! IT!!

If you love that, how about mashing in a scene where Aidan and Elly do a dance number in a corridor filled with a menagerie of different colored smoke while killing a bunch of henchmen?

MV: You really do get me, Jason.

It’s J-AI-son.

MV: Sorry.

Climax featuring final battle and one more twist. And cat.

MV: Did we forget about that whole juxtaposing the characters from Elly’s book over the real characters? I feel like that was a really fun story device. Is that the final twist?

Squirrel!

MV: Where?

The End.

MV: Add a mid-credit scene that is definitely not related to The Kingsman. *snickers*

Rating: Ask for all of your money back and for screenplays to always be written by humans.

Tuesday, January 16, 2024

“The Beekeeper” - Call of Duty.

The thing I love about January action movies is recognizing how little care is put into them. That isn’t me being mean. Imagine a writer is pitching an action movie and they non-sarcastically say the word Beekeeper. After doing a spit take, the studio executive is going to immediately think two things. One - January. Two - Liam Neeson, Gerard Butler, or Jason Statham. Meanwhile, the studio executive is also going to notice laughter, but it’ll take about thirty seconds for them to realize they are the one laughing.

Adam Clay (Statham) is a retired assassin, working as a beekeeper and renting a garage from retired schoolteacher Eloise Parker (Phylicia Rashad). While working on her finances one day, Eloise’s computer pops up a window that says her computer is infected and needs to update her anti-virus software. Unfortunately, Eloise is a cliched old lady, so of course she doesn’t recognize this very obvious scam. Eloise calls the phone number on the screen and a couple minutes later a bank account she manages for a charity is relieved of over $2 million. Later that night, Adam comes up to the house to give her a jar of honey and finds Eloise has committed suicide.

While I can accept Eloise not pausing the phone call to consult with Adam (she clearly wants to, glancing at him through the window a dozen times), I cannot accept Eloise putting a bullet in her head mere hours later without at least telling Adam what happened. Eloise’s decision becomes even more nonsensical when we learn her daughter Verona (Emmy Raver-Lampman) is an FBI agent who investigates cybercrimes. But this is a January movie, so we’re going with whatever was the first draft.

On that topic, that first draft of this movie from the screenwriter only includes one more sentence after Eloise’s death - “Combine John Wick, Enemy of the State, and 24.” Adam is going to avenge Eloise’s death by taking down the cybercrime operation and killing anyone that stands between him and its boss. John Wick - check. The criminals are using top secret government spy software to infect people’s computers, software given to them by a former high-level official. Enemy of the State - check. Involve the President of the United States (Jemma Redgrave) and make her good or bad (pick one, it doesn’t really matter). 24 - check.

One way you can tell how bad is the writing is by the number of times the word “beekeeper” is spoken and how often they’ll reference bees. At multiple points, Agent Parker will literally read from a beekeeping manual. Even her partner, Agent Wiley (Bobby Naderi), will snap at her, but I’m not convinced he’s only tired of the bee talk. Raver-Lampman’s dialogue throughout the film is different flavors of garbage and Naderi delivers every one of his lines dripping with sarcasm that is clearly in partial protest for having to hear that garbage. I laughed every time he spoke because I saw what he was doing.

Speaking of garbage, the rest of the characters seemed to have been pulled from a landfill. There are two assassins that Adam must deal with that are like mini-bosses in a video game. They are not developed beyond their appearance and one of them doesn’t even get any lines unless screaming counts as dialogue. And in this film, it kind of does.

Then, there is former CIA director Wallace Westwyld (Jeremy Irons), whose name I did not make up. He runs President Danforth’s business and is also tasked with keeping her idiot son Derek (Josh Hutcherson) out of jail. Irons is just going through the motions, except when he decides to chew up scenery explaining the Beekeeper program (an off-the-books, clandestine assassin program charged with protecting country at all costs) to a bunch of mercenaries, including that they will probably all die. On the flip side, Hutcherson is chewing up every scene he gets, knowing full well his character is little more than a line of cocaine.

Finally, there is President Danforth, a spectacularly poorly written character. She is talked about by other characters as being just short of a supervillain and definitely corrupt, yet the climax would have you believe otherwise. In fact, the climax itself is one giant face-plant, the President reacting to things as if she has just awakened from a coma. I’ll admit that I was entertained at points during the movie (all the action scenes), but the climax was like getting a pie to the face. And not a good-tasting pie.

But I didn’t hate the movie. On the contrary, it was exactly what I expected from a Statham-led action flick opening on January 12. I wasn’t expecting competent writing or layered performances or exceptional special effects. I was expecting a dumb movie, mumbling something resembling sentences in between Statham effortlessly defeating scores of opponents. I would have liked for them to lay off the bee metaphors, but then again, video games tend to do that.

Rating: Even for a January movie, you should ask for sixteen dollars back.

Sunday, January 7, 2024

“Night Swim” - Swim at your own risk.

In my annual year-in-review piece, I highlighted how many horror movies were released just in 2023 (more than eighty). As if the movie gods were listening, my first screening of 2024 was a horror movie - Night Swim. Marketed as “from the producers of M3GAN,Night Swim follows in M3GAN’s lazy footsteps, provides a couple of jump scare moments, but mostly disappoints. Much of this has to do with Night Swim’s premise - a haunted swimming pool - and that it is based on a four-minute short of the same name, but much more has to do with the setup of a bunch of story elements that never pay off. Watching Night Swim was like finding your honey-do list weeks later and realizing how much of it remains incomplete.

·         Cast the Waller family. Dad - Ray. Mom - Eve. Teenage daughter - Izzy. Ten-year-old son - Elliot.

o   DONE. We got Wyatt Russell and scored Oscar-nominee Kerry Condon from that movie Banshees of Inception, or whatever (I didn’t see it). Amelie Hoeferle and Gavin Warren to play the kids.

·         Start the movie in 1992 (explicitly print 1992 on the screen) with a little girl (Rebecca) vanishing in the pool one night. Do not forget to explicitly print the year when the Wallers are introduced. The look of some of the scenes can definitely confuse the audience as to what year it is for the Wallers.

o   DONE. Did the opening scene and it’s great. That toy boat of her brother’s is the perfect way to get her into the pool at night.

·         Ray is a former major league baseball player who had to retire because he has multiple sclerosis. The pool is going to slowly heal him after he starts swimming at night and regain his baseball prowess. This is also how he becomes addicted to the pool.

o   DONE. We have a scene with his doctor telling him about different therapy options. He finds a baseball floating in the pool. We show him swimming in the pool. We have a scene at his son’s baseball practice where Ray takes a few swings at pitches thrown by the head coach.

·         When the Wallers are cleaning the pool after moving into the house, include a pool technician who talks about the natural spring in the area and its supposed healing properties. He is the source of information about the history of the pool. Do the initial scene, then a second-act scene where he tells Ray the rest of the legend - that a sacrifice is required to make the healing permanent.

o   DONE. Love how the initial scene with the pool tech worked out. He’s a little funny and definitely comes off as knowing more than he is saying.

·         The pool is going to use Rebecca as bait for the Wallers.

o   DONE. We did a scene where Elliot hears Rebecca’s voice coming from the pool filter (that little rectangle on the side of the pool at water level). This scene is very Pennywise.

·         Do scenes where Eve and Izzy dive to the bottom of the pool and end up seeing the pool surface from really far away.

o   DONE. Both scenes turn out visually great.

·         Bring back the boat at least two more times. Use it to signify the little girl and her brother. It would be creepy if any of the Wallers found it.

·         REALLY IMPORTANT!!! - Nothing sinister can happen during the day. The movie is called Night Swim. (The pool party scene should be an evening barbecue.)

·         Make sure the batting practice scene shows how much Ray has benefited from the pool. If he is healing, it would be counterproductive if he badly missed two pitches, then crushed the third pitch into the lights like he’s Roy Hobbs.

·         REALLY IMPORTANT!!! - Nothing sinister can happen outside of the pool or pool deck. The movie is called Night Swim. (Delete the scenes with the drinking glass magically being pushed off the kitchen counter or the television magically turning on. If that can happen, there is no reason the pool can’t just drag victims into it.)

·         Ray needs to be become obsessed with the pool. (Haha - my wife thought I said possessed.)

·         My wife just asked me what happens if they don’t sacrifice anything. That’s a really good question.

·         REALLY IMPORTANT!!! - Do not make Rebecca a deus ex machina. It would negate pretty much everything we’ve seen and been told about the pool.

·         REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT!!! - This is a horror movie. If the audience members are laughing, we’ve failed.

Rating: Your to-do list is just one item - ask for eighteen dollars back.

Saturday, December 30, 2023

“My Year in Movies - 2023 Edition” - This never gets old.

As we approach the end of 2023, I debated on which topic to discuss at length here. The biggest story was the dual strikes by the Writers Guild and Screen Actors Guild. The strikes went on for months, grinding production to a halt on everything. Several movie releases were delayed and many of the films that opened during the strike saw their box office numbers impacted, especially those that opened after the summer season. The good news is the strikes were successful in improving the working conditions and compensation for writers and actors, particularly the 99.9% of them that aren’t Tom Cruise or Scarlett Johansson. They also secured protections against the use of AI by studios. The bad news is the new bargaining agreement is only for three years and AI will be running all of the studios by then.

Speaking of the summer season, Barbenheimer almost broke the world. I was as skeptical as anyone about Barbie and very confused by the memes combining Barbie and Oppenheimer. Opening on the same date, the two movies took in nearly $2.4 billion. And Barbie outgrossed Oppie by $500 million. After I finally saw both of them, I understood. Except for the memes. I get it, but I don’t get it.

On the flip side, Marvel experienced its worst box office of the MCU with The Marvels grossing just $204 million. The previous low was fifteen years ago when The Incredible Hulk pulled in $260 million and being behind the Hulk for any reason is never a good thing. Don’t worry about Marvel though. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.3 raked in $845 million and Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania finished at $476 million. To date, MCU films have grossed nearly $30 billion while spending less than $7 billion. They can afford to eat more than a couple box office bombs.

This brings me to our main topic - superhero fatigue. People have been complaining about too many superhero movies for years and this year it got its own branding. Google “superhero fatigue” and you’ll see that it’s been talked about by NPR, Variety, Collider, Fortune, and many others. I skimmed some of those pieces and they all get to essentially the same conclusion - superhero fatigue is not really a thing.

First, there aren’t as many superhero movies as you think there are. 2023 saw nine theatrical releases, ten if we count Paw Patrol: The Mighty Movie (and I don’t). Now guess how many horror movies were released in 2023? You’re way too low. Nope, still too low. Higher. Hi-i-i-gher. According to IMDb, it’s eighty-four horror movies in 2023. Screenrant listed seventy-seven that had released as of October 3. To be fair, that includes streaming movies, but even if we include Loki Season 2 and Secret Invasion as part of the superhero movies, that only adds the equivalent runtime of six movies, bringing the superhero total to fifteen. Yet, nobody is complaining about horror movie fatigue.

But, there is nearly endless marketing of superhero films. Disney and Warner Bros. spend $200-$300 million to produce each superhero movie. They are going to spend as much as it takes to make sure everyone knows about these films and even more money reminding us over and over (and over) to ensure they recoup their investment. Conversely, horror movies cost an average of $20 million to make - many of them a fraction of that - so it isn’t necessary to inundate the planet with ads for several months to convince you to watch M3gan.

And don’t forget discussions about superhero flicks. Superhero movies are somewhat unique in that they aren’t standalone movies, but episodes in a larger story. Ordinarily, movie discussion ends a couple of weeks after its release, a couple of months if it’s lucky. The Marvel conversation and rehash has been going on for fifteen years. Nobody cares what’s next for Five Nights at Freddy’s after watching it, but everyone leaves a Marvel movie wondering what that mid-credit scene means for the next three movies slated to come out. For the record, nobody is wondering about that after a DC movie, because everyone is still trying to get the taste of vomit out of their mouths.

Another factor is the superhero genre is no longer the shiny new thing. Superhero movies have been around for decades, but they were novelties until 2008, when The Dark Knight, Iron Man, and The Incredible Hulk were released, along with revealing the grand plan for The Avengers. Suddenly, there was this new, exciting thing at the theater, and one that wove several movies into one big finale. Like anything we spend enough time with, the novelty wears off. Now, the superhero genre is just another genre, like every other genre. Except musicals. I get them, but I don’t get them.

So, what are people really saying when they say they’re tired of superhero movies? The surface answer is they are tired of hearing about them. That’s completely understandable, so I promise I won’t spend eight paragraphs listing solutions to Marvel’s Jonathan Majors problem. Another thing audiences are really saying is they are frustrated at mediocre and bad superhero movies. DC has addressed that problem by hiring James Gunn to reboot the entire franchise. Marvel has recognized that quality has suffered from pushing out too much MCU content recently and they are dialing it back a bit. I believe Marvel’s recent lower quality is mostly due to spreading their writers too thin and they weren’t able to check each other’s work like before. DC’s quality suffered the moment they hired Zack Snyder to run the franchise.

Perhaps the biggest thing people are subconsciously saying is they just don’t want to commit to another decade-long story. Avengers: Endgame might be the most satisfying conclusion to a story ever. It’s not that people don’t want to watch another superhero movie. It’s that the MCU story ended in everybody’s minds and several of the most popular characters died during the story (or tragically in real life). People don’t need much motivation to watch a single movie, but they need a lot of motivation to start another multi-dozen-film saga that won’t end until sometime in the next decade.

But as much as people complain about “too many superhero movies,” they secretly want more and just need a good reason. And that is my really, really long way of saying you know you can’t wait to watch Deadpool 3. Now, let’s look back at the movies I watched throughout 2023.

Best of the best of the best, sir!

This might be the toughest top five I’ve chosen of all the years I’ve been reviewing movies. Not because there were a lot of great movies, but because there weren’t.

·         Barbie - I had no idea what it could possibly be about, especially after seeing the previews mimicking 2001: A Space Odyssey. Combining a fantasy doll world with a biting commentary on the patriarchy was the last thing I expected. Barbie was easily the best movie of the year.

·         Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse - This film was the second most-anticipated film of the year for me behind Dune Part 2 (which was delayed until 2024). And it did not disappoint. Like the first movie, it does an excellent job of diving into Miles and Gwen, evoking emotional responses that most films can only dream of.

·         Dumb Money - You know a film is really good when it keeps you fully engaged despite the fact that you know the major plot points in advance. If you aren’t aware of the GameStop stock saga, definitely watch this movie to learn about it.

·         American Fiction - Like Barbie, American Fiction focuses on an aspect of society that really sucks and turns into a very poignant and entertaining film. Jeffrey Wright is fantastic as a writer whose intentional joke of a book becomes the very thing he was protesting when he wrote it. The film is exceptionally well-written, just as Wright’s character would want.

·         Air - I wasn’t quite old enough to be part of the initial Air Jordan shoes craze, so I had no idea just how big a social phenomenon they were. I also had no idea how small Nike was prior to making the Air Jordans. I’m so glad to have learned about through this film, its fantastic actors (especially Viola Davis) and great storytelling.

You Almost Made It

Given how tough it was to come up with a top five, this category was even tougher. If you named any of these next few movies as being in your top movies of the year list, I would just nod at you. The difference between these and my top five is very little. Well, except Barbie. Nothing is close to Barbie.

·         Oppenheimer - While a very good film, I found it a tiny bit overrated. The acting was good and I learned a lot about Robert Oppenheimer’s life outside of the Manhattan Project. But the film took far too long to reveal what it was actually about - revenge by a failed Secretary of Commerce nominee in the form of private hearings to revoke Oppenheimer’s security clearance.

·         The Boogeyman - I’m so used to Stephen King adaptations ranging from meh to yikes (not the scary yikes), that I was caught completely off guard by how good The Boogeyman turned out to be. Especially since it was adapted from a twelve-page short story. It was genuinely scary, building up the tension in the way all great horror movies do. I propose we get more adaptations of King’s short stories (of which there are more than a hundred).

·         Blackberry - The third of the real-life business movies this year and nearly as good as Air and Dumb Money. The characters weren’t quite as interesting in Blackberry as they were in the other two films, but the story was just as engaging. It’s also the only one with a bit of a sad ending, though not too sad. A touchscreen keyboard on our phones is far better than one with actual keys.

·         Dream Scenario - The concept of the film and its opening scene grabs you right away. I was hooked for nearly the entire running time, simultaneously sympathizing with the main character (portrayed by Nicolas Cage) and rooting against him. The film’s only flaw is they muffed the landing. In a worse movie, I’d reveal how they muffed it, but you’ll have to just watch for yourself.

·         Gran Turismo - Apparently, I was really into movies depicting real-life events this year. I fully expected Gran Turismo to be another bad video game adaptation, but it turned out to be an engrossing racing film about a video gamer who became a legitimate racecar driver. It also helps that David Harbour kills it in this film.

The Squirmers

These movies were very good, but every one of them is tough to watch for one reason or another. Rewatchability played a big factor in my rankings here. Parts of each of these would be really difficult to sit through more than once. So, they get a separate category so you don’t accidentally watch them on date night.

·         Saltburn - Just one squirmer this year, because the others films that might have qualified were not good movies. Saltburn is very Hand That Rocks the Cradle, but doesn’t impale itself on a picket fence. It is by no means a flawless movie - relegating one of its main characters (Felix) to almost a background character - but it is a beautifully shot movie with great performances from Barry Keoghan and Rosamund Pike. And there are a couple of scenes you won’t be able to unsee.

Surprisingly Decent

It is almost impossible to go into a movie without some sort of expectations. Usually, it’s from something you saw in a trailer, actors who are in the movie, or what you already know about the director. Other times, it’s because they are based on thirty-six-year-old movies your parents won’t shut up about.

·         Plane - Any movie featuring Gerard Butler that doesn’t make you want to quit movies forever is a success. It’s a simple action movie that goes directly from point A to point B with no side tracks. More movies like this and Butler will take over January/February from Liam Neeson.

·         Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves - There is a ton of potential and a built-in audience for Dungeons & Dragons, so it was imperative that Honor Among Thieves didn’t stink up the theaters the way the last one did (in 2000). While the box office didn’t reflect it, Honor was a very entertaining and non-stinky movie.

·         Haunted Mansion - Like Honor Among Thieves, Haunted Mansion’s main goal was to erase the stench from its predecessor (in 2003). Given the source material is one of the oldest rides at Disney, it’s a tougher bar to clear than it seems. And, just like Honor Among Thieves, the new iteration of Haunted Mansion was far better than the box office total.

·         Wonka - I was afraid Wonka would follow in the mediocre footsteps of films like Maleficent and Oz: The Great and Powerful. Instead, it followed in the footsteps of the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Timothee Chalamet is delightful, subtly reminding us of Gene Wilder while not trying to just recreate Wilder. Though, a memorable song or two might have been nice.

·         The Covenant - There are no British guys quipping. No intricate plans. No heists. Just Jake Gyllenhaal trying to get an interpreter and his family out of Afghanistan before they are killed. It’s a decent film, but not the kind of movie we want or expect from Guy Ritchie.

Movies for Me

Movies for Me are my guilty pleasures. Whether or not they’re objectively good doesn’t matter. All that matters is they did the thing I wanted them to do - entertain me.

·         Renfield - Right out of the gate, the one that should lose me my card.

·         The Super Mario Bros. Movie - The only movie besides Barbie to gross more than $1 billion, but mostly out of pure nostalgia. That’s why I liked it. Though I really could have done without Jack Black’s annoying singing to remind us that he is indeed still Jack Black.

·         Sisu - It scratches the action itch while not shying away from the inherent gruesomeness of killing. Doesn’t hurt that people being killed are Nazis either.

·         The Marvels - The box office was inexplicably brutal to some movies this year, none more so than The Marvels. It falls somewhere in between the movies in my later categories “We’re Really Only in it for the Money” and “We Decided We Weren’t Just in it for the Money” and this one lands somewhere in between.

·         Extraction 2 - I like Chris Hemsworth. Doesn’t everybody?

·         Talk to Me - It managed to creep out my son enough that he left the room at about the forty-five minute mark. It also had an end that was unexpected. If not for a bunch of scenes that tend to meander, it would have been higher up in my list.

·         Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour - I may not be a tweenaged girl, but I do like many of Taylor Swift’s songs. The film itself is just the Los Angeles concert from her tour, but for a fraction of the actual concert price, you get to see her up close rather than as a blurry dot off in the distance.

Meh...(or Movies Not for Me)

Flip a coin on these films. These movies were okay and also were movies. None of them spoke to me in any way, but maybe they spoke to you.

·         Wish - Disney played Wish incredibly safe. It’s a benign movie that takes no chances, content to reference as many other Disney movies as possible. It’s a movie you’ll forget before you leave the theater parking lot.

·         Migration - I enjoyed Migration more than Wish, but it was also a really safe movie. So safe that I couldn’t come up with a non-boring way to write a full review of it. You’re welcome.

·         The Burial - Jamie Foxx is trying to carry this movie while Tommy Lee Jones might not be aware he is in a movie. Between the two of them - and the lack of a big gotcha courtroom moment - we get a courtroom drama that is missing any semblance of drama.

·         Elemental - It’s quite a bit heavy-handed on the social issue it’s covering, but I appreciate the symbolism. Still, it’s just unremarkable, a problem that seems to have infected nearly all of Disney’s film and television properties.

·         Hypnotic - This film should have been better and could have been worse. Its premise is based on pseudoscience, but doesn’t really embrace the pseudo part.

Intermission

Last year’s intermission was far too long and very irrelevant to movies, so I’m tightening things up.

·         Secret Invasion - A generic story that treats Nick Fury like an incapable weakling. It is no wonder people generally hated this show. Nobody puts Nick Fury in a corner.

·         Loki Season 2 - Luckily for Marvel, the Loki writers treated Loki with the respect that he deserves. Loki remains the best Marvel series by a wide margin and (probably) won’t get a season 3 to risk that status.

·         Reacher Season 2 - Reacher is such a satisfying series to watch. Anyone who is a fan of the book series will tell you that Alan Ritchson was born to play Jack Reacher.

We’re Really Only in it for the Money

Nothing provides studios more inspiration than easy money. Nothing provides studios more fear than expiring IP rights. That’s how we continually get an annual plethora of lackluster uninspired sequels, remakes, and franchise entries.

·         Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny - Literally the definition of doing it for the money, Dial of Destiny was the fifth Indiana Jones film of a five-film contract signed in way back in the late 1970s. Makes you wonder what penalty was listed in the contract if this film (and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull) had never been made.

·         Trolls Band Together - While it was better than the ghastly Trolls World Tour, it was still quite bland. Some movies just shouldn’t have sequels. Ever.

·         Scream VI - I said, ever!

·         The Little Mermaid - Are we done remaking classic animated films into soulless live-action money grabs yet, Disney? Oh, right. I guess $569 million means you’re not.

·         Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom - You could hear the indifference oozing from the screen.

We Decided We Weren’t Just in it for the Money

These movies are no less money grabs than the films you just read about, but they actually tried to provide some solid entertainment for your money. This might be the weakest crop of this type of movie in years, but they were all much better than everything in the previous category.

·         The Hunger Games: Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes - Wonka wasn’t the only prequel I was worried about this year. I’m not a big fan of villains getting back stories that make them sympathetic, but Ballad does a good job of showing us future President Snow’s motivations to be less than honorable, but not immediately evil. I really wouldn’t mind a second Ballad film to show us his full rise to power and the evolution of the Hunger Games into what Katniss would eventually compete in.

·         Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 - A very good ending to arguably everyone’s favorite Marvel characters. I know we’re going to see more of the new Guardians, but it won’t be the same without Star-Lord.

·         Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part 1 - Unlike the Fast and Furious and John Wick franchises, Mission: Impossible hasn’t become a complete caricature of itself. In fact, M:I continues to put decently smart action flicks that you watch because you want to, not out of sheer inertia.

·         Creed III - It really is a shame about Jonathan Majors. Such a gifted actor and the reason I finally enjoyed a Creed movie. Plus, I wasn’t annoyed by Michael B. Jordan for the first time ever.

The Letdowns

The second category where expectations are key. Lazy screenplays and disappointing films will always exist.

·         M3GAN - A couple of curse words and more than a spot of blood is the difference between a PG-13 rating and an R rating. Considering the filmmakers behind M3GAN decided not to include any horror in their horror film, the least they could have done was loaded up their slasher flick with bloody killings. Instead, they went for an awkward dance. Cool.

·         Infinity Pool - The film had an interesting premise and Alexander Skarsgard delivering a fantastic performance. Unfortunately, it didn’t know how to wrap up its story and the director (Brandon Cronenberg) didn’t seem to notice Mia Goth overacting every scene. By the end she was literally screaming every line of dialogue, ruining an otherwise interesting movie.

·         65 - This was the science fiction surprise I was hoping for and it turned out to be a fairly mundane action flick. The dinosaurs looked cool though.

·         Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania - Note to filmmakers: Don’t split up your two title characters for the majority of their film. We wanted another Ant-Man and Wasp adventure, not a father-daughter road trip filled with inane family bickering. It’s not fun.

·         The Flash - At this point in time, no DCEU movie should ever be a letdown because expectations for them are set to negative one hundred. But they promised us Michael Keaton. If there was ever a time to get a DCEU movie right, it’s the one where Keaton comes back as Batman. And the scenes featuring Keaton were indeed entertaining and decent. But there were too many other parts that would make first-year film students scoff in derision.

TL;DR

At least ‘The Letdowns’ contained some entertainment value. These next films were all very boring, not the least bit entertaining, and lacked any plot beyond the initial premise. They are the very definition of “two hours of your life you will never get back.”

·         Maestro - I made it less than halfway through before I started wondering if I was in actually in a coma. A movie about a famous composer/conductor featuring barely any music? That would have been like Cocaine Bear featuring barely any bear maulings.

·         Cocaine Bear - What did I just say?

·         Asteroid City - I have yet to watch a Wes Anderson movie and understand what the appeal is? Asteroid City has one scene that piqued my interest (the alien scene in the middle of the film). The rest had me wondering why nearly every line from every character is spoken with all the emotion of Ben Stein on Xanax.

·         Killers of the Flower Moon - Ok, so I didn’t actually watch this movie, but for good reason - it’s two hundred six minutes long and directed by Martin Scorsese. I lost seventeen hours of my life to Scorsese’s The Irishman (which is two hundred nine minutes) and had no desire to repeat that mistake. I’m sure the book it’s based on is a much more engaging experience.

·         Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom - If Superhero fatigue is real with people, this is the film that officially kills the genre for them. Do not give Aquaman your two hours.

Not the Worst, But You Sure Tried Hard

The challenge with this category is convincing you of the one redeeming quality for each of these films that kept them out of the cellar. Good luck to me, right?

·         The Last Voyage of the Demeter - A by-the-numbers slasher movie that was written by people who clearly do not understand Dracula. Redeeming quality - mildly entertaining as a slasher flick.

·         Bottoms - I was hoping for a few laughs, but this attempt at comedy landed zero of its punches. Redeeming quality - the fight scene at the end was the kind of absurdity I always enjoy.

·         Knock at the Cabin – The film follows the book (The Cabin at the End of the World) closely and makes just as little sense. The premise is that a family must willingly kill one of their members to prevent the apocalypse. And to motivate the family, a quartet of strangers methodically kills one of themselves. It’s exactly the type of story that M. Night Shyamalan would be drawn to. Redeeming quality - Dave Bautista shows some real range in his acting.

·         Five Nights at Freddy’s - Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you? You should have been in this movie. Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you? You had the right idea. Redeeming quality - the animatronics looked very creepy.

·         My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 - This movie is the epitome of movies that should never have sequels. It’s bland, repetitive, and stomps all over jokes from the original film that were amusing exactly one time. Redeeming quality - the twelve seconds we actually see of Greece were pretty.

·         Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom - It was painfully obvious throughout the entire movie that everyone working on this film gave up on it well before they were done making it. And not just because the DCEU has been a dead-franchise-walking for several films now. It’s because they brought back the same villain (Black Manta) and Aquaman’s brother Orm (this time to help Aquaman). Seriously, zero shits given. Redeeming quality - Jason Mamoa embracing the death throes of the franchise and giving a performance best described as “sure, why not?”

Pooping on the Silver Screen

And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for - the five worst movies of the year. Unlike with my top five, these terrible films were easy to identify.

·         Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre - Woof. Maybe Guy Ritchie was on to something when he ventured into making war dramas. This lifeless action flick included zero drama and Aubrey Plaza wildly out of her depth. Nothing about this film worked on any level.

·         No Hard Feelings - The premise of the film puts it in a hole before it even begins and the movie just keeps digging. Jennifer Lawrence goes fully nude in an attempt to distract us from this humorless travesty, but that particular scene only serves to make the film more cringe-worthy.

·         Quasi - It would have been nice if this movie were even quasi-funny. Yeah, that pun beats every joke in the film.

·         Shotgun Wedding - Given a choice between going through with this film or eating the bullet instead, take the bullet. It’s less painful.

·         Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom - I didn’t think it was possible to make a worse movie than the first Aquaman, but DC Films proved that if you focus on all of the worst aspects of a film, you can repeat them. Bad special effects, atrocious dialogue, and actors who know the dialogue is atrocious – those are just the tip of the spear. This time, they plagiarized other superhero movies, particularly Black Panther and the press conference scene at the end of Ironman, made Aquaman ride a seahorse in an embarrassingly unfunny nod to the comics, and featured dozens of whales sinking a super-submarine with the power of sonar. It’s so much worse than it sounds.

Pooping on the Silver Screen: The Sequel

This is the bonus category for movies that were made as sheer money grabs, but were also terrible movies in general. They are the shitty sequels, prequels, remakes, and franchise entries that keep getting made because you won’t stop watching them.

·         Transformers: Rise of the Beasts - My head hurts.

·         Shazam! Fury of the Gods - Helen Mirren should be ashamed of herself.

·         Blue Beetle - And Helen Mirren should be ashamed of Susan Sarandon. You both are actual actors.

·         John Wick: Chapter 4 - As the John Wick films continue to get more expensive to make, the audience continues to spend more money. Just like the Fast and Furious franchise, the audience is going for a very specific reason and it has nothing to do with good writing. Some people just don’t need more than way-too-long fight scenes or John blocking bullets with a loose jacket to be entertained.

·         Fast X - There aren’t even fumes left in the tank of this franchise. Just like Aquaman, Fast X recycles plotlines and characters from its previous films. And nothing is lazier than a revenge plot by the son of a wronged villain. I couldn’t even finish watching this junk heap.

·         Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom - Jason Mamoa gets urinated into his mouth three(!) different times. The very last scene features Patrick Wilson enjoying a burger topped with a giant cockroach. If this doesn’t sum up the DCEU as a whole, nothing does. Zero. Shits. Given.

Well, we made it. In general, 2023 was a pretty lousy movie year. I’m very happy for the writers and actors securing better compensation and job security, but I really wanted to see Dune Part 2 this year. As for superhero fatigue, if you really are tired of superhero movies, you’re getting a reprieve next year. The DCEU is being completely rebooted and we won’t see anything from that until 2025 at the earliest. Sony is vomiting out three more likely bad movies from their Spider-Man property that you can ignore (Kraven the Hunter, Venom 3, and Madame Web). And Marvel is releasing just one MCU movie and it’s Deadpool 3, and that alone gives me hope for 2024.