“The Super Mario Galaxy Movie” - This is the Bad Place.

When asked what I thought of The Super Mario Galaxy Movie after the movie ended, I nodded my head at a five-year old girl exiting the theater and said, “her opinion is the only one that matters.” Five-year olds haven’t yet developed complicated or nuanced views of pop culture, certainly not movies. Their taste in films begins with BRIGHTER!! and ends with LOUDER!! As for me, I thought it was bad. So bad, in fact, that it’s the kind of shirt they torture people with in the Bad Place. I said, shirt. Why can’t I say shirt? Oh, this is the Bad Place.

I’m not going to sugar coat anything here. The Super Mario Galaxy Movie is an audio-visual assault of non-stop fan service that will leave you with a migraine at best and brain damage at worst. And when I say fan service, heavy emphasis on service. To paraphrase Star-Lord in Guardians of the Galaxy, if you shine a black light in the theater after this film concludes it will look like a Jackson Pollock painting.

The amount of fan service makes sense when you realize how incredibly lazy the filmmaking was. With the barest semblance of a plot, zero character arcs, and absolutely no development of new or returning characters, it makes sense to try to fill that void with enough easter eggs to clog every toilet in every world. That’s how the Bad Place works.

In fact, there are so many easter eggs they’re not even limited to the world of Super Mario. Fox McCloud (Glen Powell) from the Star Fox games appears as a glorified cameo/supporting character because why the fork not? There’s also a T-Rex for the same reason. Wait, I said fork, not fork. Ugh. Stupid Bad Place.

I would never accuse The Super Mario Bros. Movie of having a great plot, but at least it had one that was coherent. What little plot there is in Galaxy is Bowser Jr. (Benny Safdie) kidnaps Princess Peach’s (Anya Taylor-Joy) sister Rosalina (Brie Larson) to suck Rosalina’s stardust power into a weapon that will destroy the universe. And he does this because he’s trying to impress his dad, Bowser (Jack Black). Hey dumbash, you and your dad are part of that universe.

That may sound like a straight-forward plot, but Rosalina is kidnapped in the very first scene of the movie. All Junior has to do is fly to his own private Death Star...I mean Starkiller Base...I mean, weirdo-planet-with-giant-gun-thingy and fire away. But then the movie would be over and we’ve only seen three of the billion easter eggs so far. Instead, the movie goes full ADHD, jumping between random planets to random characters, each with its own meaningless subplot that has no bearing whatsoever on Junior’s evil plan.

You may have noticed that I haven’t mentioned Mario (Chris Pratt) or Luigi (Charlie Day) yet. That’s because they are barely supporting characters in this mess. Same goes for Bowser. And Toad (Keegan-Michael Key). Mario and Luigi spent the vast majority of the movie wrangling Yoshi (Donald Glover), a little green dinosaur they found clogging a pipe, while trying to catch up to Peach and Toad. Toad is accompanying Peach because every hero (Peach) needs a sidekick (Toad) for comedic relief. Remember this as the two of them chase an easter egg who stole Toad’s easter-egg-filled backpack through a giant easter egg filled with other easter eggs. It’s funny because they need the easter eggs in the backpack to hire Fox McEasterEgg to fly through the remaining easter egg levels to get to the final easter egg boss.

If this movie has any redeeming qualities, it’s that (1) Jack Black doesn’t get to sing another horrific song at us (“Peaches” from the last film was the worst), and (2) that it’s so transparently geared exclusively toward preschoolers that we don’t have to put up with insulting attempts to pander to other ages. Don’t get me wrong, you’ll still feel cinematically violated by this film, just as you would by a swarm of butthole spiders. That’s how the Bad Place works.

Rating: I don’t care how much your five-year-old enjoys this film; ask for all of your money back.

“The Northman” - Alexander Skarsgard is tight.

My main goal in writing film reviews is to entertain you while I tell you about a movie. While I can’t even sniff the same comedic galaxy as Pitch Meeting or Honest Trailers, I do my best to come up with jokes to make your read slightly less boring than the mind-numbingly dull dreck you get from mainstream film critics. While doing a little research on The Northman’s main actor, Alexander Skarsgard, I discovered the name of his character in True Blood is named Eric Northman. That is unbelievable. There is a joke there - I’m sure of it, but I haven’t been able to put my finger on it. I’m sure it would be super easy and barely an inconvenience for Ryan George, but I’m going to need you to get all the way off my back while I try to think of that perfect joke.

(SPOILER ALERT - Plot stuff as usual, plus a huge THANK YOU!! to Mr. George for being hilarious.)

Young Amleth is excited at the return of his father, Viking King Aurvandil War-Raven (Ethan Hawke), from weeks of raping, killing, and pillaging. In fact, Amleth is so excited that he bursts in on his mother, Queen Gudrun (Nicole Kidman), while she is dressing and receives a scolding for not knocking. The two of them meet Aurvandil as he rides in at the head of his army, then sit with Aurvandil in the throne room as they are presented with the spoils of war. Aurvandil gifts Amleth a gold necklace, then later takes Amleth into the bowels of their temple to perform a ritual where Heimir the fool (Willem Dafoe) drugs them and they bark like dogs while hopping around on all fours. Yeah, it’s weird. I hope you weren’t expecting something straight-laced from the guy who gave us the very weird (and very overrated) The Witch (director Robert Eggers).

The thing is the scene works somehow. It might be because every representation of Vikings ever (and other Others white Europeans regarded as barbarians) shows them as barely more civilized than wolverines, so we just sort of nod along thinking “that’s probably right.” But, we need this representation because Amleth is what Hiccup from How to Train Your Dragon would look like if the blue fairy made him a real boy. We need to believe Amleth is capable of growing up and becoming Alexander Skarsgard. And not the Big Little Lies Skarsgard, but The Legend of Tarzan Skarsgard.

Amleth must become this shredded, barking, raging, man-imal because his life becomes a revenge plot after his father is betrayed and murdered by his brother Fjolnir (Claes Bang). Amleth escapes his own murder attempt and we don’t see him again until he’s a Skarsgard. And boy do we ever see him. It’s some years later and he is hacking and murdering his way through a town with whatever horde of Vikings he finished growing up with. Make no mistake - he looks every bit the animal warrior that little ritual portended him to be. This is a good time to mention that if you have a weak stomach, you are at the wrong movie.

After a whole lot of violence, Amleth is visited by a Seeress (Bjork) who may or may not be a Norse god advising him that the time for his revenge is upon him. Amleth cuts his hair, brands himself with a slave mark, and sneaks on board a slave ship heading for Fjolnir’s village. On this boat, he meets Olga (Anya Taylor-Joy) who continues to be so strikingly beautiful that you start to feel like you aren’t supposed to look directly at her. She claims to be a sorceress herself and we know this is true because she looks like one.

The rest of the film takes place in and around Fjolnir’s village, which lies at the foot of a volcano called Hel. Once there Amleth, with the help of Olga, plots and executes his revenge against Fjolnir and his men. If you weren’t already on the edge of your seat after the intensity of the first half of the film, you’re going to want to make sure seat backs and tray tables are in their upright and locked position because this film has a higher gear. A much higher gear. Norse-God level, if I may.

Aside from the very straight-forward revenge plot, the film does a fantastic job of weaving in some Norse mythology and historical Viking stereotypes, displaying an interpretation of how Vikings may have lived back in the ninth century. They are calling on Odin and Freya the way us modern folks invoke modern gods. Not as formal prayers, but as a part of everyday language. We also see sacrificial offerings to the gods, witches, visions of the future, the mythical Viking berserker rage, and Valkyrie, so...far better than your typical Christian services. And definitely more bloody.

Norse mythology and history is a subject I’ve always wanted to read more about and The Northman is the type of movie that violently shoves me toward actually, finally doing it. As much fun as it is to get the Marvel interpretation, The Northman’s depiction is far more intriguing. As uncomfortable as a couple of the scenes made me, I enjoyed every moment of the film. From the acting, to the production, to the story-telling, to the visuals, to the weirdness, there was never a moment where I thought something might have been done better. Well, maybe Skarsgard’s character’s name. Amleth is no Eric Northman.

Rating: Don’t ask for any money back, including the food that won’t sit well by the end of the film.