"Practical Magic 2" - An embarrassment of witches.

I very recently learned that Practical Magic might be a cult favorite. At first, I thought this was a preposterous notion. I have never heard anybody wax poetic about the genius of Practical Magic or rave about how much fun they had at a midnight showing filled with a bunch of drunk fans cosplaying as witches. Come to think of it, I've never heard of midnight showings of that movie ever. But then I attended the advanced screening of Practical Magic 2 and, I swear to you, the majority of the audience was cosplaying as witches. Mind you, I don't mean pointy hats, warts, or broomsticks. I mean black dresses with see-through lace accessories and lots of cleavage. Maybe it is a cult classic. Also, maybe the entire cult was attending this not-full screening.

That aside, maybe Practical Magic did become a cult favorite. I won't say classic because IMDb doesn't list it on their top 100 greatest cult films and that list includes movies like Flesh Gordon and Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. Yeah, those are real films and Practical Magic hasn't reached those heights yet. Let's just go with calling it a cult film in general, pretend there are more than one hundred people alive who will admit to not only loving the film but can recite every line of dialogue, and move right along. I mean, how else to explain making a sequel to a box office flop that was only generically bad, twenty-eight years later?

Why was I at the screening of the sequel? Good question. Especially when I tell you I never saw the original. I was a freshman in college when that movie came out and my girlfriend at the time was neither a big fan of Sandra Bullock nor of Nicole Kidman, nor was she a wiccan. I decided to see the sequel because I thought it would be interesting - and funny - to see a sequel with no knowledge about the first film beyond "they're witches" and something about bad relationships. And I was correct. It was funny to be one of three lone males watching a romantic drama in a theater full (almost) of women who definitely liked the first movie more than pretty much every other human being.

The movie itself...not so funny. Oh, it tries at times. Bullock and Kidman give, er...performances, that include a bunch of attempts at humor. But those attempts usually fail because the film's tone is all over the place and the premise is taken far too seriously to allow jokes to lighten the mood. The premise, I learned, is that the Owens family are all witches and cursed. If they fall in love, the person they fall in love with dies a horrible death. That's pretty bleak, but you'd think after three centuries of enduring this curse, they'd at least have some gallows humor about it.

To be fair, the movie isn't intended to be a romantic comedy. What it is intended to be is up for interpretation. The film starts with a quick flashback of Sally Owens (Bullock) burying her second husband. In her grief, she extracts a blood promise out of her sister Gillian (Kidman) to never tell Sally's children (Antonia and Kylie) that they are witches. On top of that, Sally casts a spell to make the kids forget what little they do know about witchcraft. Is a blood promise something important in witchcraft? Not in this movie.

Twenty-some years removed from that flashback, Sally's children are grown adults. Antonia (Maisie Williams) is a doctor who is not in love with anyone. Kylie (Joey King) is a college student who is in love with her boyfriend, Gideon (Xolo Mariduena). After Kylie and Gideon express their love for each other for the first time, Gideon is immediately hit by a truck. Literally. A truck hits him and puts him into a coma. When Kylie tells Sally and Gillian, Gillian immediately spills the beans and nothing happens to her. In this movie's version of witchcraft, a blood promise has the same repercussions as a pinkie swear.

Now that Kylie knows about the curse and that witches are real, she grabs a book off her Aunt Jet's (Dianne Weist) desk that might have a way to break the curse, and heads to London. This book is one of the worst parts of this movie. I won't get into how lazy and contrived its introduction is, but we soon find out the book has left-handed magic. We learn from context clues, and the well-known fact that all southpaws are demon spawn, that left-handed magic is bad. Knowing that, why would Aunt Jet and Aunt Frances (Stockard Channing) leave the book just out on a desk where their granddaughters could find it? Granddaughters whom the Aunts blood-swore not to tell about magic and whom the aunts are aware have never been taught how to protect themselves from dark...I mean left-handed magic. Right, right...blood promises are more like suggestions.

If this movie were just about Kylie trying to break the curse, it would be a much better movie. Instead, the three credited screenwriters decided it needed to be much more convoluted. While Kylie thinks she is on the path to discovering how to break the curse, she's being manipulated into a situation where someone wants to steal her powers so he can take revenge on all of the townspeople who made fun of him for his ancestry. Bwaa-ha-lol.

I told you this movie was all over the place. Is it a tragedy? A romantic drama? A fantasy? A farce? You be the judge. I read the synopsis for the original film, which sounded like a confusing mess of nonsense. Somehow, the sequel was more confusing, messier, and nonsensical. And that's not all; the film completely wastes half its cast. Antonia is developed to the point of merely existing, the script sidelining her to watch over Gideon. Aunt Frances hangs out at the hospital with Antonia, occasionally sprinkling salt in the room. And Wiest is straight-up killed off for no other reason than to make sure we know what it means when the death beetle makes its rattle. Lee Pace, playing a professor named Ian who specializes in magic, isn't given much more to do, not even appearing until the second half of the movie. This seems like a good time mention that one of the writers is Akiva Goldman, a man who has managed to win both an Oscar and a Golden Raspberry for screenwriting. It seems Practical Magic 2 got the bat-nipples version of Goldman instead of the A Beautiful Mind version.

Even after sitting through this trainwreck of a sequel, the cultists in the audience applauded. I guess that means they liked it? Or they were drunk because that's how cult films are supposed to be experienced. Does that mean Practical Magic really is a cult favorite? Maybe. But I still say no. At least until it passes that Chainsaw Hookers movie on the cult films list.

Rating: Unless you are a drunk, cult film follower, ask for all of your money back.

“The Northman” - Alexander Skarsgard is tight.

My main goal in writing film reviews is to entertain you while I tell you about a movie. While I can’t even sniff the same comedic galaxy as Pitch Meeting or Honest Trailers, I do my best to come up with jokes to make your read slightly less boring than the mind-numbingly dull dreck you get from mainstream film critics. While doing a little research on The Northman’s main actor, Alexander Skarsgard, I discovered the name of his character in True Blood is named Eric Northman. That is unbelievable. There is a joke there - I’m sure of it, but I haven’t been able to put my finger on it. I’m sure it would be super easy and barely an inconvenience for Ryan George, but I’m going to need you to get all the way off my back while I try to think of that perfect joke.

(SPOILER ALERT - Plot stuff as usual, plus a huge THANK YOU!! to Mr. George for being hilarious.)

Young Amleth is excited at the return of his father, Viking King Aurvandil War-Raven (Ethan Hawke), from weeks of raping, killing, and pillaging. In fact, Amleth is so excited that he bursts in on his mother, Queen Gudrun (Nicole Kidman), while she is dressing and receives a scolding for not knocking. The two of them meet Aurvandil as he rides in at the head of his army, then sit with Aurvandil in the throne room as they are presented with the spoils of war. Aurvandil gifts Amleth a gold necklace, then later takes Amleth into the bowels of their temple to perform a ritual where Heimir the fool (Willem Dafoe) drugs them and they bark like dogs while hopping around on all fours. Yeah, it’s weird. I hope you weren’t expecting something straight-laced from the guy who gave us the very weird (and very overrated) The Witch (director Robert Eggers).

The thing is the scene works somehow. It might be because every representation of Vikings ever (and other Others white Europeans regarded as barbarians) shows them as barely more civilized than wolverines, so we just sort of nod along thinking “that’s probably right.” But, we need this representation because Amleth is what Hiccup from How to Train Your Dragon would look like if the blue fairy made him a real boy. We need to believe Amleth is capable of growing up and becoming Alexander Skarsgard. And not the Big Little Lies Skarsgard, but The Legend of Tarzan Skarsgard.

Amleth must become this shredded, barking, raging, man-imal because his life becomes a revenge plot after his father is betrayed and murdered by his brother Fjolnir (Claes Bang). Amleth escapes his own murder attempt and we don’t see him again until he’s a Skarsgard. And boy do we ever see him. It’s some years later and he is hacking and murdering his way through a town with whatever horde of Vikings he finished growing up with. Make no mistake - he looks every bit the animal warrior that little ritual portended him to be. This is a good time to mention that if you have a weak stomach, you are at the wrong movie.

After a whole lot of violence, Amleth is visited by a Seeress (Bjork) who may or may not be a Norse god advising him that the time for his revenge is upon him. Amleth cuts his hair, brands himself with a slave mark, and sneaks on board a slave ship heading for Fjolnir’s village. On this boat, he meets Olga (Anya Taylor-Joy) who continues to be so strikingly beautiful that you start to feel like you aren’t supposed to look directly at her. She claims to be a sorceress herself and we know this is true because she looks like one.

The rest of the film takes place in and around Fjolnir’s village, which lies at the foot of a volcano called Hel. Once there Amleth, with the help of Olga, plots and executes his revenge against Fjolnir and his men. If you weren’t already on the edge of your seat after the intensity of the first half of the film, you’re going to want to make sure seat backs and tray tables are in their upright and locked position because this film has a higher gear. A much higher gear. Norse-God level, if I may.

Aside from the very straight-forward revenge plot, the film does a fantastic job of weaving in some Norse mythology and historical Viking stereotypes, displaying an interpretation of how Vikings may have lived back in the ninth century. They are calling on Odin and Freya the way us modern folks invoke modern gods. Not as formal prayers, but as a part of everyday language. We also see sacrificial offerings to the gods, witches, visions of the future, the mythical Viking berserker rage, and Valkyrie, so...far better than your typical Christian services. And definitely more bloody.

Norse mythology and history is a subject I’ve always wanted to read more about and The Northman is the type of movie that violently shoves me toward actually, finally doing it. As much fun as it is to get the Marvel interpretation, The Northman’s depiction is far more intriguing. As uncomfortable as a couple of the scenes made me, I enjoyed every moment of the film. From the acting, to the production, to the story-telling, to the visuals, to the weirdness, there was never a moment where I thought something might have been done better. Well, maybe Skarsgard’s character’s name. Amleth is no Eric Northman.

Rating: Don’t ask for any money back, including the food that won’t sit well by the end of the film.