“Zootopia 2” - I’m a s-s-s-snake.

Here’s my biggest issue with the world in Zootopia. If all of the animals have evolved higher intelligence and become anthropomorphized, why are fish still treated like regular fish? And I don’t mean like pet fish. They are literally still food for the now enlightened other animals. We see fish being chopped up and devoured by denizens of Zootopia. At least in the first Zootopia, this could be explained by saying it was just the mammals that evolved. But the sequel specifically centers on the plight of reptiles, snakes in particular, who are decidedly not mammals. You get it now; the fish thing seems wrong. But this isn’t about the fish.

After teaming up to save the city with Judy Hopps, Nick Wilde is made an official police officer and partnered up with Judy. Eager to prove their worth, Judy and Nick go undercover to bust a corrupt customs officer. Things don’t go as planned and a high-speed chase ends with a whole lot of damage done to the city. As a consequence, Nick and Judy are ordered to go to therapy for incompatible pairings. If that last bit sounds familiar it’s because that’s what the first movie was about as well - if different species can live and work together.

On top of that, this is also a typical buddy cop movie where two very different styles of cops are partnered up. I ran through a bunch of examples of movies and TV shows in my head and the closest parallel is Amy and Jake in Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Like Amy, Judy is the straight-laced, always studying detective trying to prove her worth and Nick, like Jake, is the laid back, fast talker always relying on his instincts. When Zootopia 3 comes out featuring Judy and Nick dating or married or pregnant with a fox-rabbit mutant hybrid baby, just remember that ‘fobbit’ and ‘rabbox’ are equally funny words for that baby.

Anyway, during the botched bust, Judy finds a piece of snakeskin in one of the vehicles. She starts investigating because no reptiles have been spotted in Zootopia in one hundred years. That was when a pit viper was accused of killing a turtle/maid of the lynx (Ebenezer) that invented the weather walls and founded the modern Zootopia. You read that right - a snake killed a turtle so they banned all reptiles from Zootopia. No, it doesn’t make any sense that it’s all reptiles. Just like it doesn’t make sense that fish are just food.

At least, the reptile thing doesn’t make sense until much, much later in the movie. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Zootopia is celebrating its hundredth anniversary and the Lynxleys - the descendants of Ebenezer - are throwing a big party to celebrate, including displaying Ebenezer’s journal containing the walls’ designs. Judy suspects that a snake is going to steal the journal, so she convinces Nick to do another undercover mission, this time to protect the journal and prove to the chief (Bogo) that there is a snake in Zootopia.

Unfortunately, things go wrong again, but this time Nick and Judy are accused of helping the snake (Gary) steal the journal. The rest of the film unfolds exactly like every movie where the hero is falsely accused. They go on the run, try to redeem themself by uncovering the villain’s plot and exposing it, all while evading capture or death from the villains. Even though we’ve seen this story a thousand times, it’s still fun because Zootopia is filled with talking animals behaving in ways that satirize humans while still making fun of the animals. Look no further than Flash, the sloth. Plus, there are more Easter eggs than you can catch in a single viewing.

I also enjoyed the plethora of new characters, as well as exploring a new area of Zootopia called the Marsh Market. Fashioned as a riff on the bayou, it’s filled with a bunch of aquatic mammals living out almost every swamp people stereotype you can think of. I got a particular kick out of a quick gag featuring a touchy sea lion and another featuring the result of an underwater wake on some diners caused by a chase passing by. It’s the attention to those little details that really endear me to films like this.

As much as enjoyed the film, I was a little disappointed that it fell into the sequel trap of forcing characters to relearn a lesson they already learned in the first movie. And a little disappointed that it warmed over a couple of very tired relationship cliches (the misunderstanding that leads to a breakup, and the declaration that “I didn’t do it for myself or for them, I did it for you”). I also found it weirdly lazy that certain characters got great surnames like Hopps (for a rabbit) and Winddancer (for a horse), yet Gary’s surname is De’Snake and the lynxes are surnamed Lynxley. And don’t even get me started on the sheer number of contrivances used to further the plot.

But those are just minor flaws that don’t significantly impact the entertainment factor of the film. All in all, it was a solid movie with a good social message (one that is exceptionally relevant in the year 2025). While it might not hit quite as well with some (my wife and son were a little cooler on it than me), it won’t leave anybody fuming when they leave the theater. Except maybe fish lovers.

Rating: Ask for three dollars back and look forward to seeing a fobbit/rabbox in the next film.

“Love Hurts” - But in a good way.

Ke Huy Quan is having quite the renaissance. After finding fame as child actor in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and The Goonies, he made scant appearance for a few years and disappeared from acting altogether from 2002 to 2021. Then, in 2022 he won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for Everything Everywhere All at Once and it was as if Short Round / Data had never left us. Suddenly, he was hot and he followed up with a great performance in Loki: Season 2. After all those decades and an Oscar, he got what every actor strives for - the lead role in a movie. So what if that movie is a dumb, early-February action movie with a scant eighty-three minute run-time? It’s paycheck time, baby!

It's hard to look at this movie and Quan’s career and not think of the story arc in Friends where Joey finally lands a lead role, but in a poorly funded movie. Except, Love Hurts actually got filmed...and for the bargain-basement price of $18 million. Quan plays Marvin Gable, a realtor who used to be a hitman for his brother Knuckles (Daniel Wu). I hope you’re laughing at that sentence because I did while I was typing it. One of the things I love about bad February action flicks is their absurd premises.

Anyway, after an open house, Marvin returns to his office and we meet the two best characters in the film. The first character is Marvin’s assistant Ashley (Lio Tipton). Ashley has lost all love for her job and possibly life. Her cynicism is palpable and only Marvin’s childlike glee for the job keeps her from permanently quitting. The second character is Raven (Mustafa Shakir). Raven is a very large, very scary enforcer, sent by Knuckles to pay Marvin a visit. Raven is also a poet. Yes, I said poet. It’s funny because he’s also a killer. Get it?!

In the second act, Ashley meets Raven for the first time, finding him unconscious in Marvin’s office. Thinking him dead, she picks up Raven’s journal and is entranced by his poetry describing death and violence (which she originally believes is just metaphor). When Raven wakes, the two have an instant connection and justifies this movie being an early Valentine’s Day release. Theirs is an insane bond, but it’s also endearing in a morbidly fascinating kind of way. And it leads to some great action comedy at the end of the second act. It also makes a mockery of the relationship we’re supposed to care about - the love between Marvin and Rose (Ariana De Bose), Knuckles’ former account.

The actual plot of this movie is that Rose has returned from the dead and Knuckles wants her found so he can kill her. In the past, Knuckles ordered Marvin to kill Rose for stealing from him, but Marvin’s love for her made him stage her death. Also, Rose didn’t steal Knuckles’ money and she wants revenge on the guys who did. That’s why Raven was sent to see Marvin. Don’t think about it too hard, you’ll only hurt yourself if you do.

The film unfolds in very typical action movie format and...it’s kind of fun. Really. Not the story; that’s not fun at all. The story is so underdeveloped that calling it half-baked is giving it way too much credit. What’s fun are the well-choreographed fight scenes and several of the characters. In addition to Raven and Ashley, Marvin himself is a very likeable character. There are also two other lesser enforcers trying to find Rose - Otis (Andre Eriksen) and King (Marshawn Lynch). The banter between Otis and King was very similar to the kinds found in Matthew Vaughn films and, while not nearly as clever as what we get from Vaughn films, Otis and King’s was still entertaining. And before you ask, yes, I did do a double-take at realizing King was portrayed by that Marshawn Lynch. I wasn’t sure why I recognized Lynch until he literally yells out “Beast Mode” as he attempts a flying tackle of Marvin.

Then, I did a triple-take when I realized Lynch gave a better performance than Wu, Cam Gigandet (playing Knuckle’s second-in-command Renny), and DeBose. Excuse me, Oscar Award winner Ariana DeBose. That’s not an exaggeration - DeBose gave a terrible performance. Like she was auditioning for the next Sharknado! terrible. It didn’t help that both Rose and the feelings between Marvin and Rose were given practically no development whatsoever. But DeBose took what little she was given to work with and peed all over it. It was almost as if she was determined to cancel Quan’s earnest and sincere performance with an equal and opposite bomb.

But the movie was still more fun than not. I’ve seen this kind of movie in a hundred other films, so I focused more on the good characters and fun (if not silly and slapsticky) action than I did on the crappy characters and a screenplay that was clearly edited with a chainsaw. And I love that Quan is embracing every minute of his second life.

Rating: Ask for four dollars back and another lead role for Quan.