“Love Hurts” - But in a good way.

Ke Huy Quan is having quite the renaissance. After finding fame as child actor in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and The Goonies, he made scant appearance for a few years and disappeared from acting altogether from 2002 to 2021. Then, in 2022 he won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for Everything Everywhere All at Once and it was as if Short Round / Data had never left us. Suddenly, he was hot and he followed up with a great performance in Loki: Season 2. After all those decades and an Oscar, he got what every actor strives for - the lead role in a movie. So what if that movie is a dumb, early-February action movie with a scant eighty-three minute run-time? It’s paycheck time, baby!

It's hard to look at this movie and Quan’s career and not think of the story arc in Friends where Joey finally lands a lead role, but in a poorly funded movie. Except, Love Hurts actually got filmed...and for the bargain-basement price of $18 million. Quan plays Marvin Gable, a realtor who used to be a hitman for his brother Knuckles (Daniel Wu). I hope you’re laughing at that sentence because I did while I was typing it. One of the things I love about bad February action flicks is their absurd premises.

Anyway, after an open house, Marvin returns to his office and we meet the two best characters in the film. The first character is Marvin’s assistant Ashley (Lio Tipton). Ashley has lost all love for her job and possibly life. Her cynicism is palpable and only Marvin’s childlike glee for the job keeps her from permanently quitting. The second character is Raven (Mustafa Shakir). Raven is a very large, very scary enforcer, sent by Knuckles to pay Marvin a visit. Raven is also a poet. Yes, I said poet. It’s funny because he’s also a killer. Get it?!

In the second act, Ashley meets Raven for the first time, finding him unconscious in Marvin’s office. Thinking him dead, she picks up Raven’s journal and is entranced by his poetry describing death and violence (which she originally believes is just metaphor). When Raven wakes, the two have an instant connection and justifies this movie being an early Valentine’s Day release. Theirs is an insane bond, but it’s also endearing in a morbidly fascinating kind of way. And it leads to some great action comedy at the end of the second act. It also makes a mockery of the relationship we’re supposed to care about - the love between Marvin and Rose (Ariana De Bose), Knuckles’ former account.

The actual plot of this movie is that Rose has returned from the dead and Knuckles wants her found so he can kill her. In the past, Knuckles ordered Marvin to kill Rose for stealing from him, but Marvin’s love for her made him stage her death. Also, Rose didn’t steal Knuckles’ money and she wants revenge on the guys who did. That’s why Raven was sent to see Marvin. Don’t think about it too hard, you’ll only hurt yourself if you do.

The film unfolds in very typical action movie format and...it’s kind of fun. Really. Not the story; that’s not fun at all. The story is so underdeveloped that calling it half-baked is giving it way too much credit. What’s fun are the well-choreographed fight scenes and several of the characters. In addition to Raven and Ashley, Marvin himself is a very likeable character. There are also two other lesser enforcers trying to find Rose - Otis (Andre Eriksen) and King (Marshawn Lynch). The banter between Otis and King was very similar to the kinds found in Matthew Vaughn films and, while not nearly as clever as what we get from Vaughn films, Otis and King’s was still entertaining. And before you ask, yes, I did do a double-take at realizing King was portrayed by that Marshawn Lynch. I wasn’t sure why I recognized Lynch until he literally yells out “Beast Mode” as he attempts a flying tackle of Marvin.

Then, I did a triple-take when I realized Lynch gave a better performance than Wu, Cam Gigandet (playing Knuckle’s second-in-command Renny), and DeBose. Excuse me, Oscar Award winner Ariana DeBose. That’s not an exaggeration - DeBose gave a terrible performance. Like she was auditioning for the next Sharknado! terrible. It didn’t help that both Rose and the feelings between Marvin and Rose were given practically no development whatsoever. But DeBose took what little she was given to work with and peed all over it. It was almost as if she was determined to cancel Quan’s earnest and sincere performance with an equal and opposite bomb.

But the movie was still more fun than not. I’ve seen this kind of movie in a hundred other films, so I focused more on the good characters and fun (if not silly and slapsticky) action than I did on the crappy characters and a screenplay that was clearly edited with a chainsaw. And I love that Quan is embracing every minute of his second life.

Rating: Ask for four dollars back and another lead role for Quan.

“Kraven the Hunter” - Don’t forget to wipe.

It was less than two months ago when, in my review of Venom: The Last Dance, I advised the folks at Sony to keep their celebratory Sony Spider-Man Universe (SSU) champagne on ice. While The Last Dance managed to turn a decent profit (somewhere in the neighborhood of $100 million), box office predictions for the next SSU movie - Kraven: The Hunter - are, to put it gently, ugly (analysts are guessing a paltry $20-$25 million opening weekend). The good news is Sony can pop that champagne now, not because the SSU has been a success, but because Kraven is officially the last SSU movie. Or as I like to call it - the final death throes of a franchise that has been nothing but death throes.

Of the six movies in the SSU, Kraven is only the second one I didn’t hate. That doesn’t mean I liked it, but it also didn’t make me want to start throwing things at the screen. And to be clear, Kraven isn’t a good movie...unless we’re defining “good” as “not toilet water.” Yes, that’s a really low bar, but I’m not the one that set the bar at “can we make a worse franchise than the DCEU?” That’s the natural consequence of making a Spider-Man franchise sans Spider-Man.

Like the rest of the SSU main characters (except Madame Web), Kraven (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) is a villain retconned as an anti-hero. What that means is he kills people, but only the bad ones. The film opens in pretty standard superhero origin story fashion. In this case, Kraven infiltrating a prison in order to kill a bad guy. In this opening action sequence, we get a taste of Kraven’s lion powers. You read that right - lion powers. As in roar and king of the jungle. Yes, it’s as silly as it sounds. Think Captain America, but dressed like Crocodile Dundee.

As Kraven will tell us multiple times throughout the film, he’s the best hunter in the world. Several people will ask Kraven “how did you find me?” and he will respond with “I’m the best hunter in the world.” So, you will laugh and roll your eyes as hard as I did when Kraven seeks out high-powered attorney Calypso (Ariana DeBose) because “you can find people I can’t.” HAHAHAHA. *Hard eye-roll…ouch, too hard*

There are two actual villains in the film. One is Kraven’s father Nikolai (Russell Crowe), a ruthless Russian mobster operating out of London, and the other is Rhino (Alessandro Nivola) a ruthless Russian mobster operating out of London and trying to move in on Nikolai’s turf. While Nikolai is just a regular human, Rhino gained the power to turn into a rhino-man from a mysterious doctor in New York. Think Incredible Hulk, but dressed like a rhinoceros wearing pants. You read that right - pants.

The, erm, plot is what I just told you. Where Kraven fits in is he’s the best hunter in the world. You know - like a lion. And he really cares about animals. I think. It’s kind of hard to tell, actually. I was distracted by everyone at our screening laughing when Calypso pulled a deck of lovingly wrapped tarot cards out of her purse at a funeral, explaining to Kraven “they were my grandmother’s and I always carrying them with me.” And I’ll be damned if she didn’t NOT do a tarot card reading for Kraven right then and there. Huge miss, director J.C. Chandor, huge miss.

The point is Kraven is the best hunter in the world. As the field of mobsters are whittled down, Kraven is both hunter and hunted, culminating in the inevitable showdown with Rhino. Along the way, Calypso and Kraven’s brother Dmitri (Fred Hechinger) occasionally need rescuing. That’s the whole movie. And did I mention Kraven is the best hunter in the world?

I really can’t explain why I didn’t hate this movie. It’s really not a good movie and easily as lazy and terribly put together as the rest of the SSU. I think the best explanation is it doesn’t feature a Dakota Johnson proving once and for all that she really is the worst acting nepo-baby in Hollywood. That it doesn’t feature a Jarod Leto taking the movie far too seriously. That half its run-time isn’t Tom Hardy arguing with himself two and a half movies after it stopped being amusing.

What it does feature is Crowe and Nivola expertly chewing up scenery with hilariously exaggerated Russian accents. It does feature a DeBose visibly confused because she has no idea what do with a character who got less development than her deck of tarot cards. It does feature some surprisingly decent action scenes and some unintentionally funny animal scenes. And it does feature Taylor-Johnson showing off his shredded physique, parkour skills, and just the right amount of dedication to a character, movie, and franchise that is decidedly not Spider-Man. That sound you’re hearing is someone finally flushing the toilet that is the SSU.

Rating: Ask for all your money back so you can see the other lion movie (Mufasa) opening this month.

“Argylle” - The Cat in the Pack.

There are many right and wrong ways to write a screenplay. Here is the way Argylle was probably written, complete with director’s notes (in this case, Matthew Vaughn or MV here) and SPOILERS. 

Title: Not Another Kingsman Movie.

MV: I see what you did there. We’re doing another quasi-spoof spy movie that isn’t Kingsman. Har-har.

Title: Argylle

Screenplay by: Jason Fuchs

MV: I mean, it’s not NOT another Kingsman Movie. I’ll explain later.

Premise: Spy novelist Elly Conway is caught up in a real-life spy thriller that mirrors her books.

MV: We need a hook. This premise has been done before. I know this because I finally got around to watching The Lost City. I wonder if we can get Sandra Bullock to play Elly?

Movie Poster: Features a backpack with a cat in it.

MV: Great hook. People love cat videos and the cat will be the lynchpin of the entire movie.

Note to MV when he reads this: The cat has nothing to do with the plot. It’s not even named Argylle, which is what people will think when they see the poster. The cat is just going to be the butt of a few jokes, at least one of which might be funny and several of which will be based on the fact that the cat is still there.

MV: Sooo...the cat isn’t a spy? Or a bomb? Or some kind of gadget?

*Sigh*

PROLOGUE.

Undercover, Secret Agent Argylle enters a club in Greece. He walks to the table where Lagrange sits. Lagrange is wearing a cocktail dress that leaves little to the imagination, distracting Argylle’s attention. <Insert cheesy dialogue that leads to them dancing>. They dance.

MV: I imagine Argylle as Henry Cavill. He has John Travolta’s hair from Face/Off and Broken Arrow, but taller, flatter, and more pointy. Like he could cut glass by tilting his forehead forward.

Lagrange knows Argylle is really a spy and everyone in the club points a gun at Argylle. Argylle’s tech gal Keira helps him escape and defeat the crew, but Lagrange escapes. Chase scene ensues. Argylle’s other partner Wyatt thwarts Lagrange and the three sit down for a chat.

MV: What if, and I’m just spit-balling here, Wyatt is played by John Cena and he literally lifts Lagrange off a speeding motorcycle as she tries to speed by? And he’ll just hold her there dangling for a minute because he’s John Cena and the audience will know it’s THAT kind of movie.

ACT I

Fade to black and crosscut to a bookstore where a crowd applauds Elly as she finishes reading an excerpt from her latest spy novel, Argylle.

MV: Ooohhh! Super early twist. Me likey.

Ten minutes of filler establishing Elly is a recluse living in a mountain cabin, loves her cat, and is putting the finishing touches on her upcoming fifth Argylle book.

MV: Sandra Bullock won’t return my calls.

Elly hops on a train to Denver to go to her parent’s house to work out the ending of her book. Her mom did not like the ending. A man, Aidan, sits down across from Elly. Before she knows it, Aidan says he’s a spy and is battling a bunch of people he labels the bad guys. Action scene ensues. Elly is freaking out, but also literally imagining Aidan is Argylle. Elly’s cat is there, too, in her backpack. They escape and board a private jet to London.

MV: You get me. We’ll shift between Aidan and Argylle while the fight is happening. Argylle will smirk and wink and suave while fighting it out. Elly will be confused. I’ll get Sam Rockwell to be Aidan. He is the opposite of Henry Cavill in the muscle and hair department.

Next scene. Aidan explains that Elly’s books have predicted the spy world’s future and everyone, good and bad, has been monitoring her as she writes her next book. “Tell me where the <insert MacGuffin> is to take down THE DIVISION.” They land in London, Elly puzzles out their next location, they find a clue there, another shootout ensues. Elly suspects a double-cross.

MV: The Division. What a great name for an evil organization. The Division. I just like saying it. The Division.

Note to MV when he reads this: Stop saying The Division.

MV: Sorry. Let’s get Bryan Cranston to be the evil mastermind in charge of The Division. We’ll call him Ritter. And another twist with the double-cross. Love it. LOVE. IT.

ACT II

More twists. More action. More exposition. Everyone’s a spy! Aidan isn’t double-crossing Elly, he just wants his soulmate (and spy partner), back. Cat still there.

MV: I can’t believe Sandra Bullock gave me a fake phone number. Good thing I just watched The Help and Jurassic World back-to-back. Like sane people do. Watching Bryce Dallas Howard kick off her heels and tie her shirt in a knot is more than enough to convince me she is believable as an action star. This won’t be like that time we thought Kristen Stewart could be a Charlie’s Angel (probably).

Elly remembers where <insert MacGuffin> is. Alfred Solomon (Aidan’s boss) says “time to dress the part” and sends them to see “The Keeper of Secrets.” Dun. Dun. Dun!

MV: Weird tonal shift in Jason Fuchs’ screenplay. If I hadn’t read Jason’s screenplay for the original Nickelodeon movie Rags, I’d almost think Jason is a crazed AI.

ACT III

Ritter’s secret headquarters is an oil tanker.

MV: That’s odd. How did Jason know I wanted to name the villain Ritter? Jason, are you an AI?

Squirrel!

MV: Where?!

Rit...I mean, evil villain tortures Aidan for location of Alfred. Villain has Elly’s cat in his office. Elly shoots Aidan. Three more twists. Shootout in belly of tanker. Elly ice skates on floor covered in oil, killing every henchman as she zooms and twirls.

MV: LOVE!! IT!!

If you love that, how about mashing in a scene where Aidan and Elly do a dance number in a corridor filled with a menagerie of different colored smoke while killing a bunch of henchmen?

MV: You really do get me, Jason.

It’s J-AI-son.

MV: Sorry.

Climax featuring final battle and one more twist. And cat.

MV: Did we forget about that whole juxtaposing the characters from Elly’s book over the real characters? I feel like that was a really fun story device. Is that the final twist?

Squirrel!

MV: Where?

The End.

MV: Add a mid-credit scene that is definitely not related to The Kingsman. *snickers*

Rating: Ask for all of your money back and for screenplays to always be written by humans.