“Now You See Me: Now You Don’t” - Pick a card. No, not that card.

Prior to the screening of Now You See Me: Now You Don’t, we were treated to an in-person magic act in our theater. And by treated, I mean inflicted with. It was very, very not good. The act opened with a coin-flipping “trick” where we could clearly see the magician turning the coin in his hand post-flip to get the desired result. The act concluded with a cheap calculator trick that didn’t even have the decency to end with a punchline of ‘hello’ or ‘boobies.’ It was the kind of bad where the “highlight” was a kid yelling out six-seven-six-seven when asked for a four-digit number. It was the kind of bad that explains why this particular individual was opening for a free movie screening instead for something more prestigious, like a kid’s birthday party...or a prison event. It was the kind of bad that might trick the audience into thinking a bad movie is better than it really is. Now that I think about it, that would be a neat trick because Now You See Me: Now You Don’t is also very, very not good.

It’s been nearly a decade since 2016’s Now You See Me 2 and Now You Don’t acknowledges that span of time. The Four Horsemen have long since broken up as an illusionist group and appear to have also abandoned their membership in the secret vigilante magician society called The Eye. Filling the void left by the Horsemen is a trio of young copycats - Charlie (Justice Smith), June (Ariana Greenblatt) and Bosco (Dominic Sessa). After masquerading as the Four Horseman and robbing some crypto meme coin bros, actual Horseman Danny (Jesse Eisenberg) confronts them at their secret hideout, berates their clumsiness, then asks them to join him in a heist after revealing he received a tarot card message from The Eye.

The target of the heist is a gigantic diamond owned by Veronika Vanderberg (Rosamund Pike). Veronika is the head of a mining company that is also a front for an international crime syndicate. The plan is to steal the diamond so they can use it as collateral to take down the syndicate. But because this is a heist movie filled with witches and warlocks - and because we also saw the last two movies - we know there will be a twist where someone has a hidden agenda somehow linked to Veronika’s past.

During and after that initial diamond heist attempt, the rest of the Horsemen show up. And I do mean all of them. Merritt (Woody Harrelson), Jack (Dave Franco), Henley (Isla Fisher), and Lula (Lizzy Caplan) all return. Even Thaddeus (Morgan Freeman) returns, which made me remember how much I hated that Now You See Me 2 retconned Thaddeus to be a good guy.

This is where the movie basically turns to garbage. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still kind of entertaining in the same way that the Jurassic World movies are entertaining. It delivers the thing that is promised - more heist. And who doesn’t love a good heist? It also delivers a fairly fun action scene in a mansion that one part Winchester Mystery House and three parts state fair funhouse.

The problem is the magic element is all but gone from the heist. Even worse is that the Horsemen are practically useless because they barely use their skills for the entire film. There is almost no sleight of hand, no hypnotizing, no escape artistry, and only a few token card flings. Instead, they rely on dopey disguises, car theft, car chases, some very mediocre parkour, and another gag where they trick someone into thinking they’re somewhere they’re actually not. Oh, and lots and lots (and lots) of explaining things. At this point, they are far closer to being Ocean’s Seven than David Blaine.

What there was plenty of was actors mailing in their performances or exaggerating them to the point of maybe sabotaging the movie. Harrelson, Franco, and Fisher gave a minimum effort to their equally minimized characters (though, after watching Franco in Regretting You, he might have been giving his all). On the flipside, Pike’s performance was an over-the-top cringefest, complete with a South African accent so bad it’s best described as what if Foghorn Leghorn went apartheid.

The movie ends by very bluntly stating that there will be a fourth installment in the franchise, but it definitely doesn’t deserve one. All of the intrigue, charm, enjoyability, and yes, magic, of the initial movie was squandered in the sequel and stomped all over in this film. It’s the kind of movie that deserves to be opened by a magician struggling to reach the lofty title of dime-store magician.

Rating: Ask for all your money back and flip a coin to that magician.

“Soul” and “Godmothered” - Clear the mechanism.

Note: Disney is releasing both Soul and Godmothered on top of each other, so I’m covering them both together with an assist from my eight-year old son. But first…

When I play baseball, there are times when I am in such a great groove pitching that everything seems to slow down, background noise and visuals disappear, and playing the game becomes easy. In For Love of the Game, pitcher Billy Chapel (Kevin Costner) calls it clearing the mechanism. Others describe it as being “in the zone.” While I never consciously cleared the mechanism, the depiction is very close to what I have experienced. Most recently, it happened a couple years ago when I pitched a two-hit, ten-strikeout, zero-walk shutout. After the game, a friend on the other team said “if that one play at first base had been called correctly, we might have scored on you,” to which I replied apologetically “you weren’t going to score tonight.” The memory of that game was evoked while watching Pixar’s newest film Soul, when Soul describes and displays its version of clearing the mechanism.

(I know what you are thinking - “aren’t you too old to play baseball?” or more likely “psshhhhh.” Well, I’m still several years younger than Jamie Moyer was when he finally retired. Also, psshhhhh.)

Soul is not a baseball movie. It’s not even a sports movie. But its depiction of the mechanism made this movie relatable to me in a way I never expected. The film is about the afterlife, and the mechanism (or being in the zone) while doing something you love is portrayed as a higher plane of existence that overlaps the afterlife. It made me smile in a way that this entire wretched year almost made me forget was possible. Of course, because this is the year 2020, Godmothered took a giant crap all over that smile. But, I am getting ahead of myself. First, let’s see what my son thought of Soul.

What is the movie Soul about?

It’s about a guy who is about to have a big concert thing and he…I can’t remember how he got to the soul place, but he kept trying to jump in the big hole that leads to Earth.

So many questions about what you just said. Let’s start with what is the soul place?

It’s where a bunch of people have to earn their spark as little tiny glowy people. Once they get their spark, they get their Earth badge, and they jump into the hole to Earth and become a person.

Do you know what a soul is?

Yeah. A soul is like a glowy thing that looks like a person that is inside of you, that looks like a replica of you. It’s in this weird place in space where there are a million souls that have to earn their spark. And there a bunch of hosts - one is named Terry and three are named Jerry - and there is a stage room where people get called up and they go to the Earth hole-thing.

Wait, hold on. I have more questions. If the soul is inside of you, how is it also in a weird place? And, what is the weird place?

Well, first of all, the soul isn’t in that weird place all the time. When you are a human, your soul is in your body and when your soul is out of you, it’s in that weird place? Second of all, I don’t know what that weird place is called.

Neither do I. So, when the soul is not inside of a human, is the human dead?

Well, it’s not necessarily dead, it’s just unconscious.

Sounds like it is dead to me.

No, he wasn’t dead when Terry took his soul out of his body. When Terry took that concert guy’s soul out, he laid in that place, but when he woke up, he was in that same exact place at the same exact age. That’s why I think he was just unconscious.

Ok. What was the concert guy’s name?

I forgot *rubbing his temples*. I know they said it in the movie.

I can’t remember it either. Funny that you remember Terry, but not the main character.

*Laughing in agreement*

Looking it up - it is Joe Gardner.

Oh yeah *giggling*

So, how does Joe become unconscious, making his soul leave his body.

Because Terry snuck into the world and found Joe…

No, no, no. The first time Joe goes unconscious.

Oh, I don’t know. I have no idea about the first time, but I’m going to tell you it was not Terry.

I remember - Joe fell down a manhole into the sewer.

Oooohhhh yeah. That sewer is where the soul place is. Now I remember.

Are you saying the weird place is a sewer?

Yes. Because it is a sewer.

What was the first thing that was happening when you see Joe’s soul for the first time?

He was in this long place and there was like one little bridge and on the other side was a really bright light and that really bright light was death.

I think they called it the Great Beyond.

Well they did, but, still, once you touch that you’re dead.

You don’t think you’re already dead when you are on that bridge?

No. Because if he is running around he still has a soul.

This is my favorite discussion about the afterlife, ever. Do you think this is what happens you die?

What happens when you die?

When the movie shows Joe falling to his death in the sewer, his soul is going toward the bright light, which many people believe is heaven. Do you think this movie is a good idea about what happens after you die?

Yes. When you die.

Is this what you think happens in real life?

No, not in real life. Get it? Not in real life? Bu-dun-ch. That was a good one.

Moving on. Why didn’t Joe go into the bright light?

Because he didn’t want to die because he loves to play and music and had a concert in front him. If he died before that, he couldn’t do the concert.

Why did he want to do the concert so bad?

Because he loves, loves music!

That seems like a really good reason to want to keep living. So, in the weird, sewer place, there are also souls who haven’t been born yet?

No. Wait? What? I don’t get it.

The millions of little tiny glowy souls you mentioned before sound like people who haven’t been born yet and that’s why they have to earn their Earth patch.

No. That’s not what I’m saying.

Then, who are they?

They are souls that were born a millisecond ago.

Right. New souls. So new people.

YEEESSSSS!

So, my question is, if the weird place is where new souls are, how can Joe also be there?

Because he fell through the sewer that leads to that weird place.

Interesting. Did you like the movie?

Yeah.

What was your favorite part besides the end of the movie?

I liked when Joe was a cat.

I’m not even going to ask about that. How about a rating for this movie? Do you think people should ask for any money back?

If it costs twenty dollars, I say it is worth twenty dollars because it has a great story that makes sense and it’s good.

INTERMISSION - Let's go out to the movies. Let's go out to the...oh yeah. Covid. Sorry.

Now, let’s switched to Godmothered.

Oh no.

Uh oh. I haven’t even asked a question yet. Was it a bad movie?

Yes. Don’t watch it people. Don’t watch it. We didn’t even finish the movie.

You didn’t even finish the movie? What was so bad about it?

First thing is it didn’t have a villain. Second thing is it doesn’t have a problem. And, it feels like they are copying another movie, but with different characters.

What movie do you think they are copying?

Elf.

How was it like Elf?

There’s one person that comes from a different part of the universe and they come to the normal cities and they act like crazy people; like psychos.

Who came to the normal city?

Well, I don’t remember her name, but she is a, she is trying to be trained to be a godmother. She found an assignment and if she doesn’t have assignments, then she can’t be trained to be a godmother.

Do you mean like a regular godmother or a fairy godmother?

A fairy godmother.

That sounds like a story to me. A fairy godmother trainee has to complete an assignment to become a full fairy godmother. What is her assignment?

Her assignment is to help a little girl who lives in Boston, Massachusetts, but the assignment she found was from when the girl was ten years old.

So the little girl isn’t ten years old anymore?

Yes. When she goes through the portal to Earth, that girl is like a newsperson who works at 8-news, like the number eight news.

You said the movie doesn’t have a problem. Why is that important?

Because that is what makes it a good story. If there isn’t a problem, how could there be a happily ever after?

That’s a really good point. Do they ever explain what it means to get a happily ever after?

It means to be happy for the rest of your life.

And the news lady isn’t happy?

Well, first of all, she doesn’t believe in happily ever after. Or Christmas. I think. Wait, is that right? I don’t remember if she believes in Christmas. But she will never be happy because she is stressed all day.

What does the fairy godmother trainee think the news lady needs for her happily ever after?

Well, just to be happy, but because she’s a poor little girl when she’s ten years, but now she’s a full grown adult.

I’m confused. What is the news lady stressed about?

Well, I’m not sure if she’s stressed, but I know she isn’t happy.

I’m starting to understand why you say this movie doesn’t have a problem. Why did you decide not to finish it?

Because, while I was watching it, I’m like what am I watching? There is no problem or no villain, so this isn’t a very good story. Or movie. Bum-bum-bum.

Fair enough. So, rating?

If it was twenty dollars, you should ask for eleven dollars back.

Really? Only eleven dollars for a movie that was so bad you didn’t even want to finish it?

Well, sixteen back because I already told you.

And that is the culmination of a Disney double-header. On a final note, my son undersold the awfulness of Godmothered. Last year, my wife got in a weird mood where she would flip to the Hallmark channel and have those really cheesy Christmas movies they make on in the background. Godmothered is one of those movies, but if Disney crapped it out at ten times the cost. And, boy do I ever feel sorry for Isla Fisher headlining this film. If she needs money this bad, I will gladly donate to her GoFundMe page. I know 2020 has been the shittiest year of most of our lifetimes and new movies are very few and far between, but Godmothered is steaming garbage. It’s a damned good thing Soul was excellent, helping me to clear the mechanism.

Rating: Between the two movies, we break even.