“Now You See Me: Now You Don’t” - Pick a card. No, not that card.

Prior to the screening of Now You See Me: Now You Don’t, we were treated to an in-person magic act in our theater. And by treated, I mean inflicted with. It was very, very not good. The act opened with a coin-flipping “trick” where we could clearly see the magician turning the coin in his hand post-flip to get the desired result. The act concluded with a cheap calculator trick that didn’t even have the decency to end with a punchline of ‘hello’ or ‘boobies.’ It was the kind of bad where the “highlight” was a kid yelling out six-seven-six-seven when asked for a four-digit number. It was the kind of bad that explains why this particular individual was opening for a free movie screening instead for something more prestigious, like a kid’s birthday party...or a prison event. It was the kind of bad that might trick the audience into thinking a bad movie is better than it really is. Now that I think about it, that would be a neat trick because Now You See Me: Now You Don’t is also very, very not good.

It’s been nearly a decade since 2016’s Now You See Me 2 and Now You Don’t acknowledges that span of time. The Four Horsemen have long since broken up as an illusionist group and appear to have also abandoned their membership in the secret vigilante magician society called The Eye. Filling the void left by the Horsemen is a trio of young copycats - Charlie (Justice Smith), June (Ariana Greenblatt) and Bosco (Dominic Sessa). After masquerading as the Four Horseman and robbing some crypto meme coin bros, actual Horseman Danny (Jesse Eisenberg) confronts them at their secret hideout, berates their clumsiness, then asks them to join him in a heist after revealing he received a tarot card message from The Eye.

The target of the heist is a gigantic diamond owned by Veronika Vanderberg (Rosamund Pike). Veronika is the head of a mining company that is also a front for an international crime syndicate. The plan is to steal the diamond so they can use it as collateral to take down the syndicate. But because this is a heist movie filled with witches and warlocks - and because we also saw the last two movies - we know there will be a twist where someone has a hidden agenda somehow linked to Veronika’s past.

During and after that initial diamond heist attempt, the rest of the Horsemen show up. And I do mean all of them. Merritt (Woody Harrelson), Jack (Dave Franco), Henley (Isla Fisher), and Lula (Lizzy Caplan) all return. Even Thaddeus (Morgan Freeman) returns, which made me remember how much I hated that Now You See Me 2 retconned Thaddeus to be a good guy.

This is where the movie basically turns to garbage. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still kind of entertaining in the same way that the Jurassic World movies are entertaining. It delivers the thing that is promised - more heist. And who doesn’t love a good heist? It also delivers a fairly fun action scene in a mansion that one part Winchester Mystery House and three parts state fair funhouse.

The problem is the magic element is all but gone from the heist. Even worse is that the Horsemen are practically useless because they barely use their skills for the entire film. There is almost no sleight of hand, no hypnotizing, no escape artistry, and only a few token card flings. Instead, they rely on dopey disguises, car theft, car chases, some very mediocre parkour, and another gag where they trick someone into thinking they’re somewhere they’re actually not. Oh, and lots and lots (and lots) of explaining things. At this point, they are far closer to being Ocean’s Seven than David Blaine.

What there was plenty of was actors mailing in their performances or exaggerating them to the point of maybe sabotaging the movie. Harrelson, Franco, and Fisher gave a minimum effort to their equally minimized characters (though, after watching Franco in Regretting You, he might have been giving his all). On the flipside, Pike’s performance was an over-the-top cringefest, complete with a South African accent so bad it’s best described as what if Foghorn Leghorn went apartheid.

The movie ends by very bluntly stating that there will be a fourth installment in the franchise, but it definitely doesn’t deserve one. All of the intrigue, charm, enjoyability, and yes, magic, of the initial movie was squandered in the sequel and stomped all over in this film. It’s the kind of movie that deserves to be opened by a magician struggling to reach the lofty title of dime-store magician.

Rating: Ask for all your money back and flip a coin to that magician.

“Regretting You” - Took the words right out of my mouth.

Regretting You is now the second Colleen Hoover novel adaptation I’ve seen, after last year’s It Ends With Us. I hope there isn’t a third adaptation because neither of these movies were what one might describe as “good” or “entertaining” or “worth it.” And like with It Ends With Us, I did not take anyone with me to Regretting You because it’s far funnier to be one of four men in a theater packed with women, watching a movie best described as what if the Lifetime Channel got drunk and fell down the stairs?

By the way, I knew what I was getting into when I RSVP’d for the screening of Regretting You. Not the story itself - I don’t hate myself enough to read a Hoover novel on purpose. But I read the synopsis blurb and saw the movie poster and figured I apparently do hate myself enough to spend two hours in a theater watching another Hoover adaptation.

Hey, all you Hoover fans - are all of her books as depressing as It Ends With Us and Regretting You? Do all of her books include a lost teenage romance, domestic abuse, infidelity, melodramatic happy endings that are only possible after worst-case scenarios, or all of the above? Is this why you drink so much wine in your book clubs?

If it sounds like my cynicism meter is in the red, you are correct. It’s been in the red since roughly five minutes into watching Regretting You. The film starts with high-school aged Morgan (Allison Williams), Jonah (Dave Franco), Chris (Scott Eastwood), and Jenny (Willa Fitzgerald) at a party. Morgan and Chris are a couple, Jonah and Jenny are a couple, Morgan and Jenny are sisters, and all of them are friends. This party scene only lasts a couple of minutes, but it’s painfully obvious that Morgan and Jonah love each other (but do nothing about it) and Chris and Jenny are definitely cheating on Morgan and Jonah with each other. And the scene ends with Morgan telling Jonah she’s pregnant.

Seventeen years later, Morgan and Chris are married with their now seventeen-year-old daughter Clara (Mckenna Grace). Jonah and Jenny have recently reunited and have a new baby themselves. While celebrating Morgan’s birthday, Morgan casually remarks how the baby looks exactly like Clara when Clara was a baby. Got it...the baby is the result of Chris still cheating on Morgan with Jenny (Jonah and Morgan don’t figure this out until much later in the film). That sound you hear is the Lifetime Channel doing a keg stand.

The next day, Morgan and Jonah are independently summoned to the hospital, surprised to find each other there, then told that Chris and Jenny were killed in a car accident. Jonah quickly realizes Chris and Jenny were having an affair and Morgan demands Jonah keep it a secret from Clara. To add to the drama, Clara blames herself for the accident because she thinks Jenny was texting and driving while texting with Clara. Oh, and their conversation revolved around Clara liking a boy named Miller (Mason Thames) and Jenny warning Clara not to be the other woman. That sound you hear is the Lifetime Channel hitting the banister at the bottom of the stairs.

Now that Jenny and Chris are out of the picture, it’s only a matter of time before Morgan and Jonah confess their lost love for each other. And it’s only a matter of time before Clara finds out about Chris and Jenny’s affair. And it’s only a matter of time before Clara and Miller bone because they’re seventeen. Nothing in this movie is the least bit surprising and now the Lifetime Channel is now lying unconscious in a pool of its own vomit.

The story isn’t the only thing that made this movie a terrible watch. The acting ranges from a solid Grace, to a very uneven and uncommitted Williams, to mostly literal jaw-clenching from Thames, to a wildly miscast deer-in-headlights Franco. And shoutouts to Eastwood, Fitzgerald, the criminally underutilized Clancy Brown (as Miller’s grandpa), and the criminally overused Sam Morelos (as Clara’s friend) for collecting a paycheck by appearing in this dreck.

On top of that, the tone of the film is all over the place. There’s practically zero consideration of the affair beyond it being a convenient excuse for Morgan and Jenny to barely care that their significant others are dead. Just kick a car a few times, throw a few eggs at an ugly painting, abandon a baby for a couple days, and kick a hole in an annoying door and everything will be right as rain. Even Clara barely grieves for her dead relatives before moving on to a bunch of AMC branded movie dates with Miller. It’s like the movie knows emotions are a thing that exists but has never actually felt any of them.

The moral of the story - mine, not the movie’s - is don’t take a date to see this movie. Or any Hoover film adaptation. And probably don’t read another Hoover book. But do please help the Lifetime Channel get home. They don’t look good.

Rating: Ask for all of your money back and another glass of wine.