“Tom and Jerry” - Sorry, grandpa.

Before we get to my son’s thoughts about Tom and Jerry, I’m going to weigh in a bit. When I was a kid, whenever we went to my grandparents’ house, we watched Tom and Jerry cartoons with my grandpa. It was the best part of the visit and I looked forward to it every time. Finding out they made a feature length Tom and Jerry movie made me wince and I am almost certain my grandpa rolled over in his grave. And to top it off, they made it a hybrid of animation and live action (think Space Jam and Who Framed Roger Rabbit?). Blech.

My friend put it perfectly right before we started watching it with our three kids - “I just hope it is watchable.” The kids seemed to like it, but they were purely entertained for the same reason I was when I was kid - Tom and Jerry smashing each other. For me, watchable is giving it too much credit. This was a terrible movie with terrible acting, terrible dialogue, and a terrible plot. It was painful watching Chole Grace Moretz crap her way through this movie as the lead actor. It was painful watching Michael Pena battle through a thankless, soulless, and decidedly unfunny role, the whole time clearly thinking “at least I was in two Marvel movies.” It was painful watching.

The good news is you don’t have sit in a theater with your kids and endure this heap. Due to the Covid-19 pandemic, Warner Brothers decided to release all of their 2021 films on HBO Max. So, you can just turn it on, give the kids some popcorn, and go do anything else for two hours. As I said, the kids seemed to like it. So, here is what my kid thought about it.

Have you ever seen a Tom and Jerry cartoon?

Yes. At Disney World at the Sci-Fi restaurant at Hollywood Studios.

Oh yeah. Did you think it was funny?

A little.

Since you were familiar with Tom and Jerry, what were you expecting from the movie?

I was expecting them to fight.

Were you right?

Yes. Definitely. I mean, obviously, it’s Tom and Jerry and they always fight.

What was the story in the movie?

Tom and Jerry. I don’t know how to explain. It’s Tom and Jerry. It’s basically a very long episode.

But there had to be a story more than Tom and Jerry fight.

So there’s this person who quit her job, then worked at this tower hotel in NYC next to Central Park.

Who was the person?

I forget her name, but I think it was like…I dunno. I forget her name.

Kayla?

Oh yeah. That’s what it was. Not like Terrance.

Does all of the movie take place in the hotel?

Yes. Well, most of it. Some of it takes place in Central Park.

What is happening in the hotel?

Chaos.

What kind of chaos?

Animal tornado.

What is an animal tornado?

It’s where Tom and Jerry go dun-nun-nun *rolling around on the floor* and it creates this tornado that sucks people in it?

What does Kayla have to do with Tom and Jerry?

Kayla helps Tom find the mouse, a.k.a. Jerry to stop having the chaos. But they still don’t get along because Jerry is a smart little fellow.

So the whole story is Kayla just trying to stop Tom and Jerry from fighting?

Uh huh. And there’s this one couple that is trying to marry in a giant ceremony and they got elephants. But Jerry is a mouse and elephants are afraid of mice, so bum-bum-bum. You never want to have something too fancy.

Was the whole movie animated?

Partially live action and partially animation. The animals were all animation, but the humans and New York City were live action.

Did you like that mix or would you prefer the whole movie be animated?

I would rather the whole be animated.

How would that make the movie better?

It would probably be the same because it would have all the same action and story.

What did you like about the movie?

I mean, I like Tom and Jerry. I like that they were in New York and I like the characters. The acting was a little *making a face* meh. Meh. Meh.

Besides the acting, is there anything else in the movie you didn’t like?

Not really.

What did you think of Michael Pena’s character, the hotel event manager? (The guy from Spider-Man).

He has some good lines. He’s one of the good actors in that movie.

Did he have any funny lines?

Nah. He doesn’t really have any funny lines.

Seems like kind of a waste.

Yeah, but at least he was a good character.

In summary, what did you think about the movie?

Pretty good. Some parts were, if the movie was this cup and it was the max, it would be at this line right here. So, like seventy or eighty percent.

Ha. Ok. Any last thing you want to say about it before the rating?

Uh. Kids would like it. I think little kids would laugh a lot if they watched it.

Rating: I would ask for four dollars back because it could have been a little better and I don’t know where the hotel came from. In the episodes, they were in a house.

“My Spy” - Pet peeves.

One of my wife’s biggest movie pet peeves is when kids are smarter than adults. While some kids are most definitely smarter than some adults, this theme almost always goes way too far when asking you to suspend your disbelief. Home Alone, Rookie of the Year, The Goonies, Spy Kids, Holes, any of the Harry Potter films - all annoy her to a certain extent. While I am slightly more forgiving (The Goonies is just too good), I agree. My Spy is no exception to this rule and probably would have sent my wife out of the theater in fifteen minutes.

JJ ((Dave Bautista) is a CIA agent in the middle of an undercover operation in Russia, trying to thwart a weapons deal involving plutonium. Just as the deal is about to be sealed, JJ inadvertently blows his cover by asking if he can help whatever is the next phase of the buyer’s plan (the question causes a bad guy to accuse him of being someone else). JJ tries to cover up the mistake, but then just admits that he is a spy. This being a kids’ movie, JJ is not executed on the spot. Instead, he kills all but one bad guy and recovers the plutonium. This scene kind of works for its action and an attempt at humor through some silly cinematography and choreography, which is about what one expects from a spy movie aimed at children.

When JJ returns to his office in America, he receives a standing ovation from everyone. Everyone except his boss, David (Ken Jeong), that is. David shows JJ video of the botched weapons deal, pointing out the escape of Marquez (Greg Bryk) and that there is more plutonium out there. This scene does not work for multiple reasons. One, Ken Jeong was a terrible casting decision to play JJ’s boss, choosing to be neither intimidating nor funny. Two, everyone in the office somehow did not know that the mission was actually a failure (which points to the boss being a moron or everyone in that CIA branch being a moron). Three, JJ is suspended, despite his mission at least being partially successful, confusing the audience in the process.

After a couple minutes, we end up at the next briefing, where JJ is given one last chance - surveillance of Marquez’s ex-sister-in-law, Kate (Parisa Fitz-Henley), with his new partner/techie/fangirl, Bobbi (Kristen Schaal). This scene also did not make sense, although it’s possible I missed something David said during the briefing because the kid behind me sneezed on my neck. Yeah. That happened. Anyway, I doubt anything David said could have made it logical to surveil a woman who long stopped being associated with Marquez.

The main plot of the film kicks off at this point, which is Kate’s nine-year old daughter Sophie (Chloe Coleman) discovering a hidden camera in a dog’s bouncy ball *face in my hands*, following the wifi signal until she discovers JJ and Bobbi’s hideout, and threatening to expose them with video she took of them at work unless they do what she wants them to do. I understand that this is the entire premise of the film and must be accepted in order for the film to work. I also understand that this is the point in which my wife exits stage right because that premise fails on all levels.

The tack this film should have taken is one similar to that of Kindergarten Cop. JJ and Bobbi should have been inserted into the building with cover stories and interacted with Kate to find out if Kate knew anything about Marquez or if there was any reason to believe he would even contact her. I’m even willing to accept the blown cover part, but would have changed it to JJ and Bobbi explaining to Sophie that they were watching Sophie and Kate to keep them safe from bad guys. Almost the entire movie could have been kept as is (minus the blackmail, that is) while maintaining the idea that a nine-year old is not smarter than CIA agents, thus making the film palatable to those of us that are, in fact, smarter than a third grader.

The movie really falls flat during the second act, where there is no action and the threat of a black market nuclear weapon is practically forgotten. During this time, we must endure Bobbi pouting over Sophie getting all of JJ’s attention, JJ training Chloe to be a spy, Chloe forcing JJ to hang out with her and her mom, including the predictable budding romance between JJ and Kate. On top of that is the worst scene in the entire film - JJ telling a roomful of Chloe’s classmates and their parents that he is a CIA agent for a living when he cannot come up with a plausible cover story (which the CIA absolutely would have given him) or even just say that he recently left the military after tours in Afghanistan. Even the sneezed-out germs on my neck winced at this scene.

The news is not all bad though. Once the film remembers that it is an action movie and brings Marquez back into the fray, it becomes somewhat entertaining. Despite a lot of the idiocy in the screenplay, there are some solid moments of comedy. It is also encouraging to see Bautista follow up Stuber with another solid lead performance role. Plus, the kids will love Chloe Coleman, who also delivers a good performance. Unfortunately, none of those things would be enough to overcome my wife’s pet peeve and I am not that forgiving. Now, I need to go wash my neck again.

Rating: Ask for nine dollars back and a sneeze guard.

“Over the Moon” - It’s sort of a myth.

After the very excellent Klaus last year, I was hoping for a good follow up from Netflix in Over the Moon. By the end of the film, I found myself explaining to my son what is a MacGuffin and why the plot’s urgency makes no sense (the antagonist says she has until a specific time to find the gift, but was not bothering to look for the gift nor did she bring the protagonist to help find it). In other words, the plot is a giant mess, even for a fairy tale. But I will let me son tell you more.

What movie are we reviewing today?

Over the moon.

What is it about?

A girl who tries to convince her dad or give proof to her dad that a space lady named Chang’e exists on the moon. And she builds a rocket to get up there, and makes a lot of friends, and can’t get back.

Why does she want to prove that Chang’e is real?

It’s to keep her dad still in love with her mom…I thiiiiiiiiink?

What happened to her mom?

She died.

Aw, that’s sad. Who is Chang’e?

Chang’e is a space girl who lost her true love and was on the moon and stays there with a rabbit.

A rabbit?

Yes.

What does the rabbit do?

It’s just like a henchman….a hench..rodent?

What is the girl’s name who tries to find Chang’e?

I forgot.

[Mom injects] Fei Fei.

Oh yeah!

Isn’t the story of Chang’e just a fairy tale?

Some say yes, and some say no. Like, it’s sort of a myth.

What culture is it a myth from?

I think it’s Chinese..??

If you had to compare the myth of Chang’e to something in American culture, what does it remind you of? Is there an American myth similar to what we watched?

I don’t think so.

Did you like the story?

Yes. Wait, just of Chang’e?

Yes.

Yes, I liked the….I don’t know.

When Fei Fei goes to the moon, does she really go to the moon?

The movie doesn’t really show us that. At the end it’s a fade out to black.

Do you think it’s good or bad that they don’t tell us?

If they show that it’s a dream, I think it would make the movie a little better because it would make sense a little better.

What other characters are there?

There’s Fei Fei’s dad….there’s the [air quotes] brother….the [air quotes] brother’s mom…the brother’s pet frog….that weird THING that sings a song to Chang’e.

What is Fei Fei’s plan to prove Chang’e is real?

She goes to the moon, and she brings a camera and she tries to get a picture of Chang’e to prove to her dad.

And what does Chang’e want in return?

THE GIFT. DUN DUN DUNNNN.

Does she tell Fei Fei what the gift is?

No. DUN DUN DUNNN.

So, how does Fei Fei know what she’s looking for?

I don’t know. She just finds it.

Well that’s convenient.

What does conveeeenyent mean?

It means she doesn’t have to work hard for what she’s getting. What did you like about the movie?

I liked that there was cooking.

Cooking? Who was cooking?

Their entire family.

Whose family?

Fei Fei’s entire family?

What were they cooking?

Moon cakes!!

Did you want to eat moon cakes after the movie?

Maybe.

Did you want to cook moon cakes after the movie?

Maybe.

What was your least favorite part of the movie?
Ummm…I think my least favorite part of the movie is when they were on leap frogs.

What do you mean on leap frogs?

On the moon.

There were leap frogs on the moon?

According to the movie, yes.

Is that part of the myth of Chang’e?

No.

Who was your favorite character in the movie?

What’s the bunny’s name?

[mom injects] Bunjee.

Is that the rabbit that’s on the moon with Chang’e?

No, there’s a different rabbit that’s green that’s on the moon, but Bunjee is a different rabbit that is Fei Fei’s pet. But I know the “brother’s” pet frog has a name too, but I forgot. Every time you say “brother” you have to do quotes.

Tell me about the music.

The music was pretty good. I liked the music. There were a couple songs that I dind’t like. One was the glowy thing thing. And Chang’e’s voice is a voice in Hamilton - Eliza.

And she’s a good singer, isn’t she?

She IS.

If you could change one thing about the movie, what would you change?

I wouldn’t necessarily change, I would add.

What would you add?

I would add if you find out if it’s a dream or not.

In summary, did you like it or did you not like the movie.

It was a medium.

Rating: Let’s say you paid $20 to see that movie, how much would you ask back?

$4 because I think it could have been a little better. With the ending and part of the music.