"The Odyssey" - The OG.

Did you know Homer's The Odyssey was originally written as twenty-four books? Maybe you had to read The Odyssey in a class back in school and that factoid just dusted some cobwebs off a decades-old memory. So, you can honestly answer yes, you did know that. But I'm betting you didn't read the whole thing, did you? It's written in a style called dactylic hexameter. If that's even half as obnoxious as iambic pentameter, you probably just vomited in your mouth a little bit when recalling trying to read something in dactylic hexameter. The good news is Christopher Nolan's film adaptation of The Odyssey has translated the story from whatever-meter into good old-fashioned epic blockbuster movie.

Full disclosure, I've never read The Odyssey either. If you're like me, you've heard of at least some of the elements in the story. The Trojan Horse. Odysseus' ten-year voyage home after the end of the Trojan War. Odysseus' wife Penelope and son Telemachus enduring a host of suitors trying to woo Penelope into marriage. The cyclops. The sirens. Now that I think about it, I'm not even sure I knew Odysseus encountered the sirens, but am actually remembering the sirens from Jason and the Argonauts. At least I've got the correct civilization's mythology.

This being a Nolan movie, it shouldn't be surprising to learn that the story isn't presented linearly. Don't worry, there's no time travel or dreams within dreams to melt your brain. Instead of depicting a straight timeline of Odysseus' voyage home and the events that occur during that voyage, we get the highlights in a series of flashbacks. Odysseus (Matt Damon) has been trapped on an island without his crew for seven years and his only company is a sea nymph named Calypso (Charlize Theron). Parallel to that, we jump every so often to Odysseus' palace in Ithaca, where Penelope (Anne Hathaway) has been humoring suitors for nearly two decades. Her now-grown son Telemachus (Tom Holland) is aware that the suitors are looking for any reason to kill him, given he's the heir to the throne. Among the suitors is Antinous (Robert Pattinson), who definitely has murder in his eyes.

The jumping back and forth between Odysseus (and Odysseus' flashbacks) and Penelope/Telemachus does a great job of building tension toward a climax. The drama of the film is in if Odysseus can make it back to Ithaca to reunite with his queen, prevent his son's exile/murder, and resume his place as king of Ithaca. The journey to get there is all of that other stuff. And all of that other stuff is just as exciting and tense to sit through, but for different reasons.

And that's the reason you should watch The Odyssey - the hero's journey. Yeah, that's where the hero's journey came from. Odysseus is THE hero. Practically every fiction movie ever made is based on the hero's journey (even a lot of non-fiction movies use the structure). Same goes for most books. And once you know that, you can't help but map other movies using The Odyssey. One of my favorite examples of this is my wife's breakdown of The Natural. It has a hero, a hero lost for many years, a cyclops, suitors trying to usurp a king, sirens, and more. As I've said in other reviews, my wife is a genius.

The other reason you should watch The Odyssey is...every other film reason that exists. You want great characters and character development? All of the above, plus John Leguizamo (Eumaeus), Lupita Nyong'o (Helen of Troy), Samantha Morton (Circe), Jon Bernthal (Menelaus), Himesh Patel (Eurylochus), Zendaya (Athena), and Elliot Page (Sinon). Do you like great visuals? Nolan blends CGI with practical effects (filming exclusively with IMAX cameras) to perfection. And the way he presents such things as Charybdis, the Cyclops, the Laestrygonians, the Trojan Horse, the underworld, and even Agamemnon (Bennie Safdie) is the sweetest of eye candy. I could go on about the sound, the costumes, the cinematography, the pacing, the everything else that makes this movie so very, very fantastic. But words can't do it full justice. Not even in Greek dactylic hexameter.

Rating: Worth twice the cost of IMAX tickets and you should see it at least twice.

“Uncharted” - Inter-National Treasure.

Given the number of video games released every year, it’s surprising to see how few of them are adapted into movies. Ever since Super Mario Bros. debuted as the first video game adaptation / cow pie in 1993, it makes sense that studios would be hesitant to make more movies from video games. Well, except Sony Pictures, who have produced approximately eighty-three Resident Evil movies.

Since 2017, there have been a total of ten video game movies (two of them are Resident Evil flicks, in case you were wondering), two of which nobody saw or even heard about (including me). Personally, I still say the latest Tomb Raider is the best adaptation and it’s not particularly close. Now we have Uncharted, a very similar game to Tomb Raider, including a very similar plot. Considering that, plus Tom Holland playing the hero, Nathan Drake, I had high hopes going into the film. And by high hopes I mean not something to avoid stepping in.

(SPOILERS - I won’t spoil anything the trailers didn’t already spoil.)

Nathan Drake hasn’t seen his brother Sam in years. Ever since Sam fled out of the window of their dorm room at a private school after being expelled for breaking into the school’s museum when Nate was twelve, Nate only hears from Sam via postcards from around the world. On that fateful day, we are told that explorer Ferdinand Magellan wasn’t sailing around the world just for prestige, but rather was searching for gold. Because of course he was. Only school children believe the nonsense we are fed about the age of exploration being about exploration and not about plundering other civilizations for gold and slaves.

Back in the present, Nate is tending bar when Victor “Sully” Sullivan (Mark Wahlberg) presents Nate with an opportunity to go find the treasure that Magellan may or may not have found. Nate initially rebuffs Sully but changes his mind after breaking into Sully’s apartment and seeing the same map that Sam and he were going to steal from their school’s museum so many years ago. Now the movie can actually start, by which I mean you can press the ‘start’ button on your controller.

If you have any doubts about this movie being adapted from a video game, the opening scene will erase those doubts immediately. And, that’s only if you haven’t already seen the trailers. We meet Nate coming to consciousness, his foot tangled in the webbing of a string of crates trailing out of the back of a currently flying cargo plane. He proceeds to parkour his way back to the plane via the string of crates while fending off evil henchmen and the scene ends with him being knocked back out of the plane by a car, cutting to twelve-year old Nate. This scene couldn’t be more videogame-esque short of Nate disappearing down a giant green pipe.

Once we get to the treasure hunt part of the film, you will feel like you are watching National Treasure, The Da Vinci Code, and The Goonies all at the same time. There are clues leading to clues leading to more clues. The clues require an in-depth knowledge of history and symbols related to the treasure. There is a heist of an historical artifact from a well-secured building that is a key to finding the treasure. There is silly banter. There is a hot girl, Chloe (Sophia Taylor Ali), who teams up with Nate and Sully. There are a bunch of well financed bad guys who are always just one step behind the good guys. There are even pirate ships in a cave. The only things missing are Josh Brolin and a skeleton with an eye patch.

And you know what? It’s a fun movie, as well it should be. If you thought the Frogger-crate scene was fun, just wait until you get to the part with a helicopter chase scene featuring flying, 500-year old Spanish ships (also spoiled by the trailers). Yeah, I was laughing. It was hilarious and exactly the kind of scene that would be in a video game.

I also enjoyed the performances from the cast, including Antonio Banderas and Tati Gabrielle playing the lead villains. Everyone performed their roles to the best that one-dimensional video game characters can be portrayed, though Holland did stray dangerously close to falling into his Spider-Man character a couple of times (I blame this on the director, Ruben Fleischer, but I’m also okay with it). I thought the interactions between Holland, Wahlberg, and Ali worked really well, enough that I want to see them do another one of these films.

Overall, it’s a movie I liked because it appealed to the gamer in me, while also appealing to the film critic in me, by embracing its roots without tripping all over itself, like most video game movies tend to do. Sure, it was borderline ridiculous at times, but it never came off as trying too hard or trying too little. Like with the video games, I’m in for a sequel.

Rating: Don’t ask for any money back, not even a doubloon.

“Onward” - Are elves aliens?

The thoughts of a seven-year old are amazing, especially that he is taking care not to spoil too much. Here are some of those thoughts about the latest Pixar movie, Onward.

Alright, what’s the movie we’re talking about right now?

Onward.

What is Onward?

It’s a movie.

What is the movie Onward about?

These kids, they’re brothers. They’re like little alien things and they go on a quest to like bring their dad back, because their dad died right when the brothers were born. That’s what it’s about.

Are you familiar with the genre of fantasy?

Uhhhhh…no.

So, what did the aliens look like?

Um, blue elves.

They’re not aliens…they’re blue elves.

Well, one guy looked like a horse.

What do you mean he looked like a horse?

Like, his waist up is a human, and he’s an officer - a police officer. And the rest, like his butt and his legs, are a horse, and he’s weird.

So, he’s a centaur.

He’s a policeman that the brothers’ mom knows.

Fantasy!

Her boyfriend? Her husband?

Yeaaaaah…no.

Oh he’s their stepfather.

[pondering] I think that’s true.

Elves and a centaur. What other kinds of characters were in the movie?

Flying tiny dwarfs. Like a whole army of them.

Fairies?

[groans] Ugh, fairies.

Who helps them on their quest?

No, [eats a French fry ponderingly] but their dad did send them a map. And a wand. And a phoenix gem. And no friends. Don’t type that, mom.

What are they looking for on the quest?

A phoenix gem.

To do what?

Bring their dad back?

If he’s dead, how do they bring him back?

They have this wand thing - hold on, let me get this bat. [picks up a whiffle bat] They point a wand and they say “ah, Fabrizio!” and they bring half his body back.

Fabrizio? Fabrizio.

What do you mean they only bring half of his body back?

That was in the beginning. But at the end…I’m not gonna spoil it.

Good idea. So, tell me what is the part of his body that comes back?

Feet to waist.

Just his legs?

Yeah, and the brothers put a coat on him. [walks around zombie-esque, apparently evoking Weekend at Bernie’s] …Tom Holland, slash, the younger brother.

Tom Holland was the younger brother and who was the older brother?

No. …Emmett. …Emmett from The Lego Movie.

Did their mom help them with the quest?

Uh, kinda. Not really…?

What do you mean?

She didn’t help ‘em. ‘Cause their mom was okay bringing back their dad because they wanted to meet their dad.

What was their mom doing the whole time?

I don’t know …okay, what was the question?

What was their mom doing while they were on the quest?

Their mom was doing…something during the quest. Driving on the expressway, [does air quotes] for help with the Manticore, which is a dragon-scorpion-gorilla-thing.

Could use a little help here mom.

What was your favorite part of the movie?

The end, where “Tom Holland’s” [does air quotes again] college was tearing apart and became a dragon, because that was the curse, and the Manticore forgot to tell them about the curse. Because there’s always a curse.

There’s always a curse on a quest?

Yes.

Noted. Who was your favorite character?

The fairies. The leader fairy.

Why?

He had a weird voice. And he was like hahahahh-ahah-ahahaha. [waves arms crazily in the air]

Was there anything in the movie that you would change?

[Nibbles on a French fry] Ehhh…nothing I would change.

Do you think parents will like the movie?

‘Cuz it’s good…? [thinks for another minutes, then says more decidedly} ‘Cuz it’s good.

Do you think any kids will be scared by the movie?

Um, no.

Rating:

Should anyone ask for any money back?

Meh…maybe like 5 cents back.

Why?

Um [eating another French fry] actually…every movie isn’t perfect.

“Dolittle” - Do you smell something?

It seems almost unfair to write about Dolittle. Why on Earth would a movie with a $175 million budget and starring Robert Downey Jr. be opening in the armpit of the Hollywood calendar known as January? All the kids are back in school, almost everyone blew all of their spending money in December, and those that had any cash left lost it on the Patriots or Saints. Or both. Predicting Dolittle to be a disaster is like shooting fish in a barrel…if the fish were already dead.

The first thing you need to know is your kids will almost certainly like Dolittle. It has talking animals. It has fart jokes. It has a cute little girl playing a princess and a young boy who wants to learn to talk to the animals like Dr. Dolittle. Kids aren’t jaded like we adults and their taste in movies starts and stops at loud noises, bright colors, and bodily noises. My son thought it was hilarious. All of this is why I dreaded giving my initial opinion after the film.

When the agency representative asked what I thought, I pointed at my son and said “ask him.” He gave his opinion - he thought it was very funny - and then she turned back to me. I was trying hard not to jade my son, but he has heard me talking about movies before. After trying to get out of it again (my exact words were “I don’t wanna”), I stood there silently, staring at her, trying to think of something cryptic that he would not understand, but she would. Finally, it hit me. “Well, now I know why this movie opened in January.” A huge smile appeared on her face and she enthusiastically agreed. I know my son has a very good idea of what I really thought, but I think we pulled it off. At least, that is what I am telling myself.

I need to go see a man about a dragon.

(SPOILERS COMING, so do not let your kids read this.)

The movie starts off bad right away - with opening narration. This being the start of a new year, this is a good time to remind you that opening narration is a huge red flag. Typically, narration is the result of a test audience being hopelessly confused by the movie. Also typically, it is an extremely lazy way to convey a bunch of exposition. Exposition that most likely was originally filmed, but the resulting footage sucked. In almost all cases, narration is completely pointless. Dolittle is a perfect example of at least two of these, especially the pointless part (a new writer and director were brought in to redo a bunch of footage, which resulted in twenty-one days of reshoots). We are told that Dolitttle (Robert Downey Jr.) can talk to animals, that his wife died while out on an adventure, and that Dolittle closed off his veterinarian business after her death. The movie then proceeds to show us these things, or describe them to us through character dialogue, when Lady Rose (Carmel Laniado) summons Dolittle to the castle to evaluate the sick Queen Victoria (Jessie Buckley).

After examining the queen, Dolittle determines that the only thing that can cure the queen (she has been poisoned) is the fruit of the mythical Eden Tree. Dr. Mudfly (Michael Sheen) scoffs at this notion, but Dolittle sets off to find the unfindable tree. Not wanting Dolittle to succeed, Lord Badgley sends Mudfly and a battalion of soldiers to chase Dolittle down and kill him. No, this movie does not have a twist and does not care about keeping any surprises for later. This is but one of many likely reasons why test audiences hated this film.

Another reason they hated the film is probably the bizarre voice Downey affected as Dolittle. If you have seen the previews, you heard Downey’s subdued, husky, thick British accent that prevented him from emoting or even raising his voice. At times, it even seemed as if it weren’t his voice at all or that he had to rerecord all of his lines and they were dubbed over the film. We know he can do better because Sherlock Holmes exists, so there is no good explanation for this terrible decision.

Your accent sucks and I'm a dog.

Then, there were the animals and their dialogue. Despite this film taking place in Victorian England, the animals are speaking in a variety of accents, all delivering modern phrases and modern slang. It was incredibly off-putting and completely out of place. For adults that is. This is a movie aimed squarely at kids’ faces and ear holes and few children are going to wonder why nineteenth-century, British animals are calling each other bro.

At least the voice actors didn’t have to show their faces (and there were quite a few well-known names). Voicing talking animals gets them mostly off the hook, allowing them to give absurd performances that kind of fit. Sheen and Antonio Banderas get no such reprieve. All I could think while watching the two of them ham it up was how sad it was to watch really good actors vomit out performances more suited to bad ABC Family movies. At least the budget for this film indicates they were paid well for temporarily setting their souls on fire.

I cannot stress enough that this movie is for kids and kids alone. There are a lot of reasons why this movie will almost assuredly tank at the box office, but the lack of appeal to adults may be the biggest one. Again, test audiences hated this film. The crazy thing is that the film is a toilet-clogger, even after extensive rewrites and reshoots. At one point, Dolittle performs a colon-cleansing on a dragon by pulling a company’s worth of armor and a set of bagpipes out of its ass. Think about that for a minute - they left that part in the movie. At that point, I and the kids were laughing, but for different reasons. They laughed because the dragon farted in Dolittle’s face. I laughed because, yep, January.

Rating: Ask for all of your money back and hope your kids stay innocent for as long as possible.