“28 Years Later: The Bone Temple” - Two become one.

There were three red flags for me going into 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple. The first flag is the entire franchise is decidedly mediocre. All three movies to this point have been very forgettable. I’ve already forgotten the third one despite the fact that I watched it less than a month ago. The second flag is that The Bone Temple is the fourth movie in the franchise. Each of the first three movies has essentially the same plot - don’t get eaten by zombies. Why would we expect anything different in The Bone Temple? The third flag is The Bone Temple got a mid-January opening. Woof.

It would be an understatement to say I was pleasantly surprised by how good was The Bone Temple. The truth is I was almost in awe. I just wish it hadn’t taken writer Alex Garland three sequels to realize the zombies were only the story in the first movie of the franchise.

The Bone Temple is a direct sequel to 28 Years Later (both movies were filmed together), but it’s also a companion piece. The Bone Temple features two completely separate story arcs that eventually converge with each other. One features the continued adventures of young Spike (Alfie Williams) after he strikes back out into the quarantine zone at the end of the previous film. The other features Dr. Ian Kelson, the doctor Spike seeks out in the previous film in the hopes his sick mother can be cured. By themselves, each story is interesting, but not enough to carry an entire movie. But put them together and, oh man have you really got something good.

On one side of the movie, young Spike has found himself trapped in a small satanist group led by Sir Lord Jimmy Crystal (Jack O’Connell). The group represents the de-evolution of man in almost every way possible. They have stopped thinking for themselves, completely subservient to Jimmy Crystal. They have no home, roaming the land and taking what they want through violence and killing. They even fight amongst themselves on occasion, culling the weakest from the group whenever they happen upon a new non-zombie person who might prove useful. Spike is terrified, but nearly helpless to extricate himself due to him still being a small human adolescent.

On the other side of the movie, Kelson has taken a scientific and medical interest in an alpha zombie he’s named Samson (Chi Lewis-Parry). Samson represents the evolution of man. Using blow darts tipped with a healthy dose of morphine, Kelson has discovered that he can sedate Samson to the point that Samson won’t try to rip Kelson’s skull and spine from his body. Kelson has also discovered that while Samson is sedated, Samson is responsive to things like music, dancing, and conversation. Kelson’s theory is that the rage virus suppresses brain function instead of just killing it (among other things) and the morphine is able to counteract that suppression to a certain degree. Make no mistake, Kelson isn’t trying to cure the virus, just understand it a bit better. More importantly, the entire experiment is returning some of Samson’s humanity.

As you can see, these two storylines perfectly compliment each other. Given that, it makes perfect sense that they would crash into each other, raising a final question - which version of humanity will persevere?

There are a couple of things that make the movie so compelling, beyond those two storylines. One is spending real time exploring the virus itself. Most zombie films don’t bother with this because that’s not the point. Just like the first film in this franchise (28 Days Later), the point is survival of the remaining non-zombified humans. But dissecting how the virus works allows The Bone Temple to explore some of what makes us human.

The second is focusing on how humans behave decades after the initial fall of civilization. The Walking Dead does this really well, even though it can’t quite get out of its own way with the zombies. In The Bone Temple, the zombies are part of the environment, even Samson. Instead of being an existential threat that is always run from, they are something to be studied and understood. Even The Walking Dead never goes that far (if it did, it was after I grew bored of the show and quit watching).

The last thing is a scene that is (already) known as “The Iron Maiden Scene.” I’m not going to tell you anything about this scene other than it’s simply amazing. The last time I saw a scene as good was in season four of Game of Thrones when Tyrion Lannister rips into everyone after being accused of murdering Joffrey. The Iron Maiden Scene is the only time I can remember the entire theater audience bursting into applause after a scene that didn’t involve a climactic battle or a villain getting their just desserts or the movie ending. And that applause happened again at the end. The movie really was that good.

Rating: Don’t ask for any of your money back in January for the first time ever.

“Conclave” - Thoughts and prayers.

When I was a kid, my understanding of how the Catholic Church chose a new pope was they lit a fire for each cardinal and the color of the smoke determined if that guy was the next pope. Black meant go to the next name and white meant pope found. Being taught as a kid about the magic of God and Jesus, it made perfect sense that God would color the smoke. As it turns out, that is not how a new pope is chosen. In reality, the cardinals all vote and if one person doesn’t have a majority of votes, they burn all the ballots, throw a canister of black smoke on the fire to let people outside of the Sistine Chapel know there isn’t a new pope yet, then vote again. If someone wins enough votes, white smoke canister. The new film Conclave didn’t teach me these things, but it did present a very believable (yet fictional) depiction in which the cardinals behave just like all other politicians in elections - like humans.

In this story, Cardinal Thomas Lawrence (Ralph Fiennes) is leading and administering the papal conclave. Like a Catholic Mass, the film takes its sweet, sweet time actually getting to the point - in this case, the conclave itself. Much attention is paid to the details, trappings, and rituals gone through just to get to the election itself. It’s neat and beautiful and gives a feel for the gravitas of the event, but that kind of goes without saying. They’re electing the next pope, not the next town HOA treasurer.

Eventually, we are introduced to the cardinals most likely to be elected. First up is Aldo Bellini (Stanley Tucci), a liberal and supported by fellow liberal Lawrence. Next is Goffredo Tedesco (Sergio Castellitto), a traditionalist, archconservative racist who views all other religions with utter contempt. Then there is Joseph Tremblay (John Lithgow), a milder conservative than Tedesco and every bit a sly politician. Finally, we have Joshua Adeyemi (Lucian Msamati), a Nigerian and middle of the road guy on most topics, but socially conservative. Lawrence himself seems like another candidate, but he stresses multiple times that he absolutely does not want to be pope.

As if the competition between the men wasn’t enough, there is a separate mystery thrown into the mix. The deceased pope was up to something but did not let anyone in on what he was doing before he passed away. The only clue they have is the arrival of the recently elevated-to-Cardinal Vincent Benitez (Carlos Diehz). After the conclave starts, nuggets of information regarding the pope’s activities start coming to light and Lawrence starts to dig into them. With a smidgen of help from Sister Agnes (Isabella Rossellini), he uncovers truths that affect the conclave in ways that cause a whole lot more black smoke.

Maybe it’s because I’ve seen so many movies, but I immediately knew how the conclave itself was going to end. But that didn’t prevent me from enjoying the journey, following Lawrence through the investigation. Nor did it prevent that little part of me that doubted what I thought I knew from holding my breath, even if just a tiny bit, every time they announced the voting results. And I most certainly didn’t guess the why part of the pope’s mystery before it was revealed. And what an intriguing reveal it is.

While I did enjoy the film, the drama surrounding the mystery was somewhat muted. The film doesn’t do enough to invest the audience in either the mystery or the outcome of the conclave. For a film heavily relying on dialogue, surprisingly little is devoted to character development. Beyond Lawrence and Bellini, it was hard to remember who was who. The film had to literally show the leading candidates in turn, as their names and vote tallies were read after the first vote, to make sure the audience could positively identify them. With no real backstories for any of the men (or Sister Agnes, for that matter), there was no real urgency or dread evinced to make the audience want to root for or against any of them.

But again, I did enjoy the film. The mystery is at least interesting, the visual details in the various sets are stunning, and Fiennes and Tucci delivered outstanding performances. That’s not to say the rest of the cast wasn’t also good; they simply weren’t given enough to do to really stand out (Rossellini and Lithgow, in particular, seemed woefully underused). Conclave isn’t necessarily a must-see in theaters...unless you are curious how papal conclaves actually work or just really like Ralph Fiennes.

Rating: Pray for two dollars back.

“The King’s Man” - Run Conrad, Run!

To franchise or not to franchise? That is the question Hollywood grapples with on a daily basis. Just kidding. Hollywood would franchise your food pictures on social media if they had more than three likes. The only people having conversations about sequels, franchises, and remakes that go beyond how much it will cost are literally everyone who watches movies. As I wrote in my review of Kingsman: The Golden Circle, one of the common cliched movie conversations is to bash any movie not considered “original,” which is as nonsensical as putting pineapple on pizza.

In fact, I’ve talked about the topic several times; in 2013, 2014, and 2016 (I’m sure there are more). My 2016 discussion - the unnecessary sequel - is the one I want to focus on here because the Kingsman franchise makes for a very intriguing conversation in this context. On the one hand, Kingsman: The Secret Service was a highly entertaining movie that came out of nowhere. On the other hand, Kingsman: The Golden Circle was a shart in the hot tub, indicating that maybe The Secret Service should have remained a standalone film. But British spies as a concept could very much lend itself well to being a franchise, considering the longest running franchise in history is about British spies.

(SPOILER ALERT - You know the drill.)

Rather than continue on with the characters from movies one and two (at least for this film), The King’s Man is a prequel, taking us back in time to the 1910s to show us how the Kingsman organization came to be. Not only that, but the overall tone of the movie is different than that of the first two. Instead of being an over-the-top, sometimes flamboyant, romp of dry British humor and bloody action, The King’s Man is a mostly serious, straight-as-an-arrow film that sporadically remembers that it can go bonkers.

Orlando Oxford (Ralph Fiennes) is visiting a concentration camp in Africa run by British General Kitchener (Charles Dance). Orlando is representing the Red Cross and has come to discuss the treatment of the prisoners. In tow are his wife, young son Conrad, and his butler Shola (Djimon Hounsou). Tragedy quickly ensues and Orlando promises his wife that Conrad shall never see war. This becomes Orlando’s guiding principle and a constant reason for melodrama throughout the film.

Jump ahead a few years and World War One has started. Conrad (Harris Dickinson) is now nearing the age where he can enlist in the army and Orlando is dead set against it. Luckily, Orlando also happens to be the Duke of Oxford, a decorated war hero, personal friends with King George V (Tom Hollander), and still friends with General Kitchener, so it’s quite easy for Orlando to prevent Conrad from ever being put in harm’s way. That is, except for the fact that Conrad is dead set on joining the war and also happens to be an impulsive teenager. As this squabble is the over-arching plot of the film, it casts a pall over what are supposed to be the fun parts of the film.

While Orlando is buying Conrad a new suit as a way to distract Conrad from the war *deep breath*, a mysterious, Scottish-accented, bald, goat farmer living on top of a towering Swiss mesa has gathered a bunch of nefarious co-conspirators to set in motion a plan to topple the English, German, and Russian monarchies and take over the world. *deep breath* Ahhhhhh...there’s the insane thing we were expecting from this movie.

This goat farmer’s plan plays out as the key major events of WWI we learned about in school and the Oxfords end up enmeshed in nearly all of them. The assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, Rasputin’s (Rhys Ifans) influence over Tsar Nicholas II, the Bolshevik Revolution, Mata Hari, the Zimmerman Telegram, trench warfare, and Kaiser Wilhelm’s abdication of the German throne at the end of WWI. It’s essentially the idiot’s guide to WWI. Imagine if a violent Forrest Gump did World War I.

While the movie did have some good action scenes and interesting characters (as well as an astonishing and skin-crawling sequence with Rasputin), it almost goes out of its way to keep you from investing in them, including the Kingsman organization itself. In fact, the Kingsman don’t become official until the end of the film, after all of the conflicts are resolved. Until then, they consist wholly of Orlando, Shola, and Orlando’s head maid Polly Wilkins (Gemma Arterton); the three of them quietly trying to prevent Britain and friends from losing the war. Conrad is let in on their secret little band, but they never fully invite him in as a member due to Orlando’s vow to keep him away from war. This bothered me through the entire film because it was the extremely obvious solution to Orlando’s problem. Get King George to officially sanction them as a covert government organization, enlist Conrad as a member, then, make him the gadget guy or research guy as they try to thwart the evil Scot. That way, he’s fighting the war without fighting the war and Oxford can stop being the worst helicopter parent ever. Problem solved.

Inevitably, the question people want answered is how does it compare to the other Kingsman films? Compared to The Secret Service, it’s definitely not as good. It’s not as charming, exciting, fresh, or funny, but has enough good scenes to keep the viewer interested and entertained. Compared to The Golden Circle, it’s far better. It’s not a hot tub shart.

Rating: Ask for four dollars back and wait an hour until you get back in the tub.