“Speak No Evil” - Awkward encounters of the first kind.

The major reason I ignore previews is because I want to be completely surprised by what I am about to see in a film. Unfortunately, doing so is also a pitfall for me. If I don’t know anything about a movie, I can’t be prepared for an unfunny embarrassment-humor film featuring Ben Stiller. Or gross-out horror films like The Hills Have Eyes. Or tensionless horror films trying pass off awkward uncomfortableness as suspense like Speak No Evil.

Note that Speak No Evil is a Blumhouse Productions remake of a Danish film of the same title that debuted just two years ago, and apparently the original was extremely well-received and critically acclaimed. I only just learned about the original so, no, I have not seen it to give my own opinion. But I have a hard time believing this remake will be as highly regarded as the original. Then again, I was wrong about how many people would give Beetlejuice Beetlejuice a pass based on pure nostalgia, so look for Speak No Evil (2024) to have a Rotten Tomatoes rating higher than Speak No Evil (2022)’s 84%.

While vacationing in Italy, the Daltons - Ben (Scoot McNairy), Louise (Mackenzie Davis), and eleven-year-old Agnes (Alix West Lefler) - cross paths multiple times with the obnoxious and rude Paddy (James McAvoy), plus his wife Ciara (Aisling Franciosi) and son Ant (Dan Hough). While the kids seem to get along fine, Ben and Louise are very uncomfortable with Paddy’s pushiness and dismissal of their concerns (like Agnes not wearing a helmet on a moped when Paddy convinces them to let him take Agnes for a quick ride).

Months later, the Daltons get a postcard from Paddy inviting them to stay at Paddy’s secluded country residence for a few days. At first, Louise rejects the idea, but changes her mind because Ben just learned he was rejected for a job. Maybe I’m being a bit harsh here but given how the couples did not seem to hit it off very well, this seemed like a lazy contrivance designed to get the audience to start yelling at the screen and was utterly unconvincing. In fact, inducing that kind of audience engagement seems to be the entire point of the film.

For much of the duration of the Daltons’ stay at Paddy’s house, Paddy is sometimes mildly charming, but usually dismissive, chest-puffing, pushy, or abusive. It’s the kind of behavior that would cause anyone to excuse themselves after a day or two (if not a couple of hours), but the Dalton’s don’t leave because then the movie would be over. We also learn that the Daltons’ marriage is on the rocks, exposed through bouts of bickering and disagreement between Ben and Louise, Louise deeply unhappy. To recap, a couple struggling to maintain their marriage agrees to spend a week with an uncouth jerk and they don’t immediately leave after Paddy, among other things, forces Louise to eat a piece of goose despite knowing she’s a vegetarian. Yeah - disbelief not suspended.

Since we know this is a horror movie and we’ve seen the film’s poster, we expect Paddy is eventually going to violently turn on the Daltons. The problem with the film is the first eighty minutes don’t build any suspense to sell that future violent turn. There is no real sense of malevolence coming from Paddy. He just seems like a jerk in general, as well as an abusive husband and father. At best, the tone of the film is less “crazy murderer” and more “awkward dinner with divorcing friends.”

When the film does explode in a frenzy of attempted murder, it doesn’t feel like it earned it. The trapped-in-the-house climax is prefaced with an overwrought and drawn-out scene where the Daltons are trying to leave after yet another helping of awkwardness. Once the Daltons are finally captured, Paddy’s murderous intentions are revealed (and don’t stop to think about that reveal because it’s nonsensical, even for a slasher flick). And what is Paddy’s motivation for those intentions that the film barely hinted at for the previous eighty minutes? Paddy is annoyed that the Daltons have an electric vehicle, support line-caught sustainable fishing, and - wait for it - “because you let me.” Really?

Oof, fine - just get on with the slashing already.

If this movie does get a pass from audiences and critics, it’s going to be because of the performances from McAvoy and Davis. McAvoy is very convincing as a boor who cares nothing for social niceties and an anti-liberal to boot. Davis is equally convincing as a frustrated wife growing more and more exasperated with Ben and the situation as their stay continues. But that’s as much as the movie will let them do. McAvoy is restricted by the writing from evincing actual malice and does not convince us that he is manipulating the Daltons rather than just being an asshole. This, in turn, restricts Davis from evincing fear in the situation rather than just annoyance and impatience. Had the film done those things, as well as done a proper job of building suspense and tension, it wouldn’t need a pass. And I’ll probably be in the minority of those withholding that pass.

Rating: Ask for half your money back and leave already. You’re making it awkward.

“Beetlejuice Beetlejuice” - The juice is definitely not loose.

As part of my annual Year in Review piece, I always include a couple of movies in my “Movies for Me” category. Films that are not good, but which I liked anyway. Usually, I have to be in the right mood for a film like that. Or a film includes one component that strikes me so perfectly that the rest of the film becomes insignificant. I was in a fantastic mood when I screened Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. When Battleship featured a scene showing a grid being used to fire missiles at an alien ship, I cackled like a maniac. Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is not a movie for me.

The best way to describe Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is - convince Michael Keaton to put on a thirty-six-year-old costume, throw him against a wall in Tim Burton’s house, and see what squirts out. Then do it again. And again. And again. The result is an incoherent mess of disconnected storylines with a massive side of nostalgia, and random afterlife imaginings sprinkled on top. It’s as if the writers watched the old animated Beetlejuice series and just smashed a bunch of the episodes into a big glob for this film.

Lydia Deetz (Winona Ryder) is all grown up and the host of a ghost hunting show, utilizing her ability to see the dead. She isn’t particularly happy with it, but her producer/boyfriend Rory (Justin Theroux) will stop at nothing to exploit and cash in on her gift. Lydia is also a widow and mother. Her daughter Astrid (Jenna Ortega) misses her dead father and believes Lydia is pretending to see ghosts because Lydia cannot see Astrid’s dad. If this movie focused on that plot and employed Beetlejuice (Keaton) as Astrid’s attempt to reunite with her father, the film might have been good. But wait...there’s more.

Beetlejuice’s centuries-dead, chopped-into-pieces, ex-wife Delores (Monica Bellucci) awakens, reassembles her body with a staple gun, then proceeds to hunt down Beetlejuice to get revenge on him for her death. Incidentally, she killed Beetlejuice (poisoned him) in order to literally suck his soul out of his body and that ability remained intact in the afterlife. As she hunts for him, she randomly sucks the souls out of other dead people because she’s, uh, really bad, I guess. Plus, Beetlejuice is already dead, but we’re told that Delores can make the dead “really dead.” Woof. Also, why is she only waking up now, hundreds of years later? I guess they didn’t throw Keaton’s body against the wall enough times to come up with literally any answer. But wait...there’s more.

Astrid meets a boy named Jeremy (Arthur Conti) and the two quickly hit it off. After hanging out a couple times, Jeremy kisses her, then reveals that he is dead. Eww. He offers to take Astrid to see her father, but secretly plans to steal her soul to bring himself back to life. At first glance, this seems like a way to connect this plot to Delores, but the writers do no such thing. Delores doesn’t connect to this at all, merely accidentally intersecting it with, just like all of the storylines in this film. But the writers do use it as the incentive for Lydia to summon Beetlejuice to help her save Astrid. And since the primary goal of this film is fan service, it is not the least bit surprising that Beetlejuice’s condition for helping is that Lydia marries him. It’s even less surprising that the film ends with another wedding scene.

Speaking of fan service, the film is stuffed full of it. Sand worms, the afterlife waiting room, shrunken head guys, Delia Deetz’s (Catherine O’Hara) artwork, the town model of Winter River, a real estate agent selling the Maitland house, the Maitland house, a climactic wedding scene, and even a musical number featuring a bunch of lip-syncing characters. And every last one of them falls completely flat. Which is probably why Burton’s director brain decided to incorporate a bunch of pointless indulgences that also fall flat.

There is a Claymation scene depicting Charles eaten by a shark after his plane crashes while en route to a birdwatching event. None of that is a typo. It’s Claymation because Jeffrey Jones (who played Charles) is a real-life registered sex offender, so bringing Jones back for this film was a non-starter. Eaten-by-a-shark removes Charles’ head and a chunk of his torso, allowing Charles to aimlessly, and facelessly, wander around the afterlife world while squirting blood all over. There is a flashback of Beetlejuice’s and Delores’ life done in black and white and Spanish. There is an afterlife detective named Wolf Jackson (Willem Dafoe) who was an actor playing a cop when he was alive, so gets to play a cop when he is dead (and he is trying to catch Delores). Get it? There is a “soul train” complete with dozens of disco dancers. GET! IT?!! And there is a Danny DeVito cameo to remind you that not everything in this movie was a bad idea.

By this point, you’re probably wondering what Beetlejuice is doing this whole time. He’s vaguely haunting Lydia. He’s running a call center with a bunch of shrunken-head guys. He leaves a flyer in the Maitland’s attic. He does a scene featuring a bunch of sight gags and a vicious Beetlejuice baby. He’s kind of hiding from Delores, but not really trying too hard. In other words, he’s doing nothing. Essentially, he’s really just there to justify the title.

Just because this isn’t a movie for me, doesn’t mean I hated it. Hell, I wasn’t even disappointed by it. It’s exactly what I expected it to be - a lazy film drenched in nostalgia, aimed at my generation, trying to cash in on the popularity of Jenna Ortega playing another spooky character. And that isn’t to slight Ortega. She was perfectly fine, doing what she could with a half-written character. Which is far more than we can say about Delores, a character so underwritten and underwhelming that Bellucci should sue for criminal negligence. But at least O’Hara and Dafoe seemed to be having a good time. I’ll even acknowledge the handful of moments during the film that actually were good (one example: Wolf Jackson’s assistant was a delightful detail in his scenes). Not to mention Keaton injecting as much energy as a 73-year-old is capable of. Which is impressive considering how many times Burton must have thrown Keaton at that wall.

Rating: Ask for thirteen dollars back and that they never make a sequel to Mr. Mom.

“Blink Twice” - An okay first try for a freshman.

Zoe Kravitz makes her directing debut with Blink Twice. You know who Zoe Kravitz is, right? She played that one girl in the Divergent series. And that other girl in Mad Max: Fury Road. And that one mutant girl in X-Men: First Class. And Catwoman. No, the other Catwoman. No, no, no - the most recent Catwoman. So, of course it makes total sense to market Blink Twice as Kravitz’s directing debut to stir up interest in the film. She was that one girl in that HBO show. No, the other show. No, no, no - the one with Nicole Kidman and Reese Witherspoon.

Even if you do know who Zoe Kravitz is, you definitely weren’t wondering when she was going to start directing movies. In fact, I’m not sure anybody besides Kravitz was wondering. According to her bio, she attended just one year of college before pursuing a full-time acting career and her filmography includes exactly zero career credits outside of acting. Did I mention she is also one of two credited writers on Blink Twice, as well as a producer?

Blink Twice comes across exactly like you would expect from someone with Kravitz’s bio. There are moments of inspiration and interesting ideas, but far more moments of what you’d expect in a freshman’s Film 101 final project. You can tell Kravitz is familiar with filmmaking concepts, but still has a lot more to learn. For example, it didn’t occur to Kravitz that her original title for the film - Pussy Island - would probably be a bit tough to sell audiences on. When interviewed (by Entertainment Weekly), she seemed surprised by this, saying “Interestingly enough, after researching it, women were offended by the word, and women seeing the title were saying, 'I don't want to see that movie,...” - Sydney Bucksbaum, July 9, 2024. Kravitz was also informed that neither the Motion Picture Association or theaters wanted to put the word pussy on posters, billboards, kiosks, and tickets. Rookie mistake.

You can also tell Kravitz has seen movies like The Menu, Get Out, and Knives Out. Blink Twice is another psychological horror thriller that desperately wants to be those other movies. The film features Frida (Naomi Ackie) and Jess (Alia Shawkat), two friends invited to billionaire Slater King’s (Channing Tatum) private island to join King and some other people King has invited. Once on the island, the ladies are given lavish rooms, various outfits, and perfume. All of the guests, and Slater, spend their days lounging by the pool enjoying cocktails and nights indulging in lavish dinners, alcohol, and hallucinogenic drugs. It’s everything Frida dreamed life with Slater was like.

But we know something is wrong because creepy music plays every now and then and leather-skinned domestic workers keep killing snakes. Because Slater’s sister/assistant Stacy (Geena Davis) collects all of their cell phones upon arrival. Because Slater’s friends are played by Simon Rex, Christian Slater, and Haley Joel Osment. Any one of those three dudes are creepy on their own, but all three together? *Shudder* The only thing that could make that group creepier is if Kyle MacLachlan showed up. And guess who shows up?

Details like these are the tells that Kravitz is very much a novice at everything in the non-acting department of filmmaking. Other details give it away as well. Far too many close ups - and too many that linger - that don’t add meaning to the scene. Pacing that drags on for more than an hour, then sprints to the finish line. Too much focus on the style of the movie rather than the substance.

That goes for the writing as well. Like the movies I mentioned earlier, Kravitz (and co-writer E. T. Feigenbaum) are going for a big reveal to simultaneously awe and frighten the audience. But, like M. Night Shyamalan’s post-Unbreakable films, they trip over themselves trying to build to the reveal before face-planting into a wall. As I said before, we know something on the island is wrong, but only because the movie has to go out of its way to insert creepy music or snakes during the hour-long frivolities and frolicking of the characters that otherwise tell us nothing is amiss. The closest thing we get to drama is Frida and another guest, Sarah (Adria Arjona), kinda-sorta looking at each other sideways as they compete for Slater’s affection. But that tension never escalates or even materializes into anything noteworthy. For that matter, we know next to nothing about Sarah (or any of the other guests). So, when the reveal finally starts to unfold, we don’t even blink once when Sarah and Frida join forces.

The biggest saving grace for Kravitz is Channing Tatum and the rest of the cast doing the best they can with such a thin screenplay. To be fair, outside of Tatum and Ackie, the rest of the cast has little to do but act high or drunk or happy for most of the film, then switch to angry or scared for the climax. And to restrict Christian Slater to nothing more than a guy snapping Polaroids throughout the film is almost criminal. But Tatum and Ackie manage to keep the audience engaged in what is otherwise a mediocre attempt to be like much better movies. Kravitz would benefit from watching The Menu or Get Out again, but with people who actually finished film degrees.

Rating: They won’t blink when you ask for two-thirds of your money back.