“Karate Kid: Legends” - Deja Fu.

Welcome back to the film world of Karate Kid, the land where all bullies are vanquished and girls are wooed simply by competing in a city-wide martial arts tournament. A tournament that can only be won by a double top-secret move taught by a karate legend. But before we reveal that move, let’s meet our main contestants.

Li Fong (Ben Wang) is a high schooler from Beijing, who trained in and studied Kung Fu under Mr. Han’s (Jackie Chan) tutelage. Educated in Hong Kong, but forced to move to New York after his mother Dr. Wong (Ming-Na Wen) accepted a job there, Li has a perfect American accent, enjoys stuffed crust pizza, and is terrible at calculus. How about a round of applause for Li-i-i-i Fo-o-o-ong!

In the opposite corner is Conor Day (Aramis Knight). According to Conor’s ex-girlfriend Mia (Sadie Stanley), Conor is a “psycho” and “one of those mistakes she’s not going to make any more.” Conor enjoys scowling, surprise kicking his sparring partners in the head, and scowling while kicking his sparring partners in the head. Conor enjoys sucker punching people on the subway and signaling goons to jump potential opponents and old men, even in the middle of crowded areas. Give it up for Con-n-n-nor Da-a-a-y! Or not! He’s a real wanker.

 

While we have a moment, let’s thank our sponsor - Victory Pizza. Locally owned by boxing legend Victor Lipani (Joshua Jackson) - if winning NY boxing tournaments counts as legendary *pause for laughter* - Victory Pizza serves traditional New York pies; you won’t find stuffed crust there. Located right around the corner from the Fongs’ apartment, you’ll be greeted by Victor’s lovely daughter Mia (yes, the very same Mia who dumped Conor) or, if you’re lucky, goons sent by local loan shark and dojo owner (where Conor trains) O’Shea (Tim Rozon). Victor owes O’Shea a substantial amount of money, so head on down to Victory Pizza for a slice or two to help Victor keep his knees.

Coaching Li is Mr. Han and *drumroll* the man you’ve waited nearly an hour of the movie to see - Daniel LaRusso (Ralph Macchio). Both men have a travelled a long way to work with young Li for no real reason. LaRusso joins us from Reseda, California, and Han all the way from Beijing. Together, they spent almost an entire week playfully bantering with each other while occasionally working with Li to hone Li’s skills and perfect a devastating trap move they dubbed the Tiger Trap. Did you hear me people? ONE WHOLE WEEK!! Can. You. Believe. It!? (Don’t answer that)

The Tiger Trap move isn’t just any run of the mill move that can be learned by boring old traditional training. It can only be learned with the help of a subway turnstile. Yes, I said a subway turnstile. Why do you think Jackie Chan’s in this movie? The move itself is dear to Li’s heart. It includes the use of his dead brother’s own super-secret move - the dragon kick. Yes, I said dead brother. All movies whose target audience is children are contractually required to include at least one dead family member.

Before we begin, let’s get a quick recap of how we got here.

First, I had jury duty. That’s not a joke. I had to spend an entire day listening to evidence and witnesses agree - yes, they all agreed - that Man A taped a sign to Man B’s sign, admitted that he did it at the time, apologized at the time to Man B, and still found himself facing charges of defacing property and trespassing because Man B is a shitty human being. This was a real case in a real court that cost real time and real money and I am not exaggerating at all. And since the case ran late, I arrived at the movie in the middle of the opening scene, where the film was doing a bit of retconning of Mr. Miyagi. Now you know why I sound the way I do.

Second, when O’Shea’s goons went to pay Victor a little visit, Li went all Jackie Chan on their asses. Seeing Li in action, Victor convinced Li to train him for a boxing match with a prize large enough to pay off his to loan to O’Shea. Given that Li decided to compete in this karate tournament to win money for Victor, you can guess how Victor’s boxing match went.

Third, writer Rob Lieber and director Jonathan Entwistle were ordered to make a movie that marries the Karate Kid films with the Cobra Kai series while also adhering to the original film’s formula. And boy did they ever do that second thing while paying lip service to that first thing. And they did it in thirty fewer minutes than the original (Legends finishes in a brisk ninety-four minutes), mostly by refusing to do silly things like develop characters or flesh out plot points. But that’s not why you’re really here, right folks?

You’re here to see some fighting so, let’s get ready to ru-m-m-m-b-l-l-l-le!

Rating: Be like O’Shea and ask for three-fourths of your money back (but non-violently).

 

“Lilo & Stitch (2025)” - Open your eyes wide and say ahhh.

I was in college when the original Lilo & Stitch was released (2002), so, no, I didn’t see it back when it came out. I saw parts of it on a cruise once, but that’s as close as I ever got to watching the whole thing. The point is I have no idea if this new version tracks closely with the original. But I’m told by a fellow critic that it was very close. So, this 2025 version is just as wacky as the original.

Yes, it’s wacky. An alien chaos monster known as Experiment 626 escapes intergalactic custody, steals a spaceship, crash lands on Earth in Hawaii, pretends to be a dog to avoid capture by two aliens posing as humans, is adopted by six-year-old Lilo (Maia Kealoha) who names him Stitch because he tore a hole in the seat of a truck that her sister Nani (Sydney Agudong) said will need stitches, and helps the two sisters come to terms with the death of their parents and heal their relationship. Other than the dead parents, it’s not exactly following the Disney princess fairy tale script, is it? 

The thing is: I like wacky. One of my favorite movies (and stories) is Alice in Wonderland and it doesn’t get wackier than Alice in Wonderland. No, not the Tim Burton remake (which I also liked), but the original animated feature. Alien-chaos-monster is right up my mischievous-disappearing-cat alley.

For the first half of the film, the wackiness is plentiful. Stitch causes all kinds of mayhem, just like he was created to do. Lilo gets in on the action as well, running amok with Stitch, the two of them driving Nani crazy. In addition, the two aliens chasing Stitch provide some Abbott-and-Costello-esque laughs as well. Their names are Dr. Jumba (Zack Galifianakis) and Pleakley (Billy Magnussen) and they are easily my favorite part of the film. Galifianakis delivers a character trying to be serious, but dropping dry humor all over the place. Conversely, Magnussen’s Pleakley is a manic and slapsticky “Earth expert.” Magnussen is clearly having a ball in this role, which is written all over his face in every scene. And what an expressive face he has, perfect for conveying a vast range of reactions and emotions. Perhaps my favorite facial expression is when he opens is eyes so wide they like they’re half the size of his entire face. Between this movie and his role in Hulu’s The Franchise, Magnussen is quickly making me a fan.

Unfortunately, the film isn’t all craziness and chaos. Remember, this movie is also about a grieving pair of sisters. Nani is also forced to assume the role of Lilo’s mother and provide for the both of them. After a meeting with a social worker (Tia Carrere) goes a bit off the rails, Nani is given a week to get things or else Lilo will be taken in custody of by the state. Obviously, the chaos from Lilo and Stitch is antithetical to this, always resulting in the worst outcome. This storyline plays out a bit like a romantic comedy, albeit one that is doomed from the start. It starts rather lightly, includes a misunderstanding that leads to a kind of breakup, then ends in a tidy and predictable way. Booo. Bring back the chaos!

There are also a couple of extraneous characters that are given so little to do, one wonders why they are even there. The original film featured a character named Cobra Bubbles, an ex-CIA agent turned social worker. For no logical reason, the filmmakers of this remake broke Cobra Bubbles into two characters - the social worker and current CIA agent Cobra Bubbles (Courtney B. Vance). Cobra spends most of his scenes trying to capture Stitch, even posing as the social worker’s boss. When he finally does, Nani easily convinces Cobra to release them during the climax with Jumba. Oh, I forgot to mention Jumba is the villain. I told you this movie was chaos, even when it’s kind of boring chaos.

Despite the film’s uneven mix of stories, I appreciate that Disney took a swing with this one back in 2002. I also appreciate the good performances from all of the cast, including Kealoha (surprising from an eight-year-old), Agudong, and Hannah Waddingham (voicing the Grand Councilwoman, leader of the United Galactic Federation who ordered the capture of Stitch). And I really appreciate the great special effects bringing Stitch and the other aliens to life. I don’t want to give Disney too much credit - this is yet another live-action remake trying to cash in on nostalgia. But I never saw the original, so it’s new enough for me.

Rating: Ask for three dollars back because there wasn’t enough chaos.

“Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning” - All about Tom.

Every now and then, I’ll watch a movie where my immediate reaction is “I thought it was pretty good,” then my wife will explain why I’m wrong. This happened with The Dark Knight Rises and, more recently, with Thor: Love and Thunder. And, I’m not just saying this for the sake of marriage - she was right. While she did not accompany me to Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning, I could hear her voice in my head as I was relaying my immediate reaction that I thought it was pretty good.

The good news is The Final Reckoning is much closer in quality to the mildly disappointing The Dark Knight Rises than the comical and stupid Love and Thunder. Like The Dark Knight Rises, The Final Reckoning has a messy plot, too many characters given little to do, but features solid acting and really good action scenes. Unlike Love and Thunder, it doesn’t bare its ass to the audience, both figuratively and literally.

To be completely honest, I kind of forgot a lot of what happened in the previous M:I film, Dead Reckoning Part One. I even forgot that it had Part One in the title. I needn’t have worried though. Final Reckoning begins by blasting the audience with a seizure inducing collage of split-second flashbacks from the previous movie. And from all the other movies in the franchise. They try to disguise it as a monologue from the Entity (the evil A.I. that wants to take over the planet), but it’s really just a way to cram some nostalgia down our throats for one reason - to bask in the gift to humanity that is Tom Cruise.

I wish I was exaggerating, but the film eventually reveals that the world revolves around Ethan Hunt (Cruise). And how could it not? He’s Ethan Tom “The Clear, Maverick” Cruise Hunt. Director/writer Christopher McQuarrie’s past eight projects, and ten of his previous twelve, feature Cruise, a man whose ego is so big Cruise literally (and incorrectly) thought he could be a convincing Jack Reacher. Yes, Hunt has always been the protagonist of the M:I films, but Final Reckoning lifts him to almost deity-level status. On top of the constant flashbacks of previous M:I films throughout this film, they eventually just outright say the world is about to be destroyed in a nuclear holocaust by a rogue A.I. because Ethan Hunt plays by his own rules. And Ethan is the only person on the entire planet saintly enough to want to destroy the Entity. Can I get an amen, brothers and sisters?

This being the second half of Dead Reckoning (they changed the title away from Part 2 because reasons), the story resumes with Hunt rendezvousing with Luther (Ving Rhames) and Benji (Simon Pegg) to devise a plan to destroy the Entity. Luther has invented a malicious device to interface with the Entity’s source code which is stored on a server on a sunken Russian submarine. The team must find the submarine, use the special key from the first film to unlock the server and retrieve the drive with the source code, and plug Luther’s device into it. And they must do this before the Entity, which has infiltrated all of Earth’s networks, takes control of all of Earth’s nuclear arsenals and destroys humanity - in seventy-two hours. This being an M:I film, it’s far more complicated than just that.

Oh, were you expecting me to elaborate? Even I’m not that masochistic. Just know that the plot is kind of mess, including some very unnecessary (and illogical) retconning of the Rabbit’s Foot device from Mission:Impossible III. The plot isn’t nearly as smooth and tidy as in Part One and you’ll find yourself wondering on more than one occasion if you missed something. For example, why is Luther dying all of a sudden? Or, what happened to the White Widow (Vanessa Kirby) and why isn’t she in this film at all? Or even, why is Gabriel (Esai Morales) now acting like a raving lunatic instead of the cold and calculating villain from before? Lucky for you, the movie will distract you with some very good action scenes and a very, very good call back to the first film.

As with the whole franchise, the action scenes are really the main reason we’re in the theater. We’re there to see what stunts Cruise is going to attempt this time. Well, have you seen The Hunt for Red October? The Abyss? Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Top Gun? I guarantee Cruise and McQuarrie have. And if you have too, you’ll immediately recognize the scenes inspired by those films (one scene is outright copied). And, yes, Cruise is doing as many of his own stunts as possible, including the biplane scene in the climax. And the scenes are so well-crafted that, even though I believed things would work out, I still found myself also believing that maybe they wouldn’t. If there is one complaint about any of these scenes, it’s The Abyss inspired scene that had me thinking “yeah...more like Mission:Get-the-fuck-outta-here-with-that-nonsense-even-in-this-movie.” Like I said, deity-like status.

I still enjoyed that nonsensical scene, just like I’ve enjoyed every film in the franchise except the second one. Just like I enjoyed the performances from Cruise, Pegg, and Rhames, as well as Hayley Atwell (as Grace) and Pom Klementieff (as Paris). They all seem to genuinely enjoy their characters and the franchise, even when their characters are given very little to do (Benji and Paris, most notably). I even enjoyed the scene-chewing from Angela Bassett, Nick Offerman, Holt McCallany, and Janet McTeer every time the film cut to the President (Bassett) and her advisors (the other three). The film delivered what I wanted and expected, but my wife’s voice is correct - it’s not as good as I initially thought. But don’t tell that to Ethan Tom “Show Me The Money!!” Cruise Hunt.

Rating: Ask for a dollar back for too much nostalgia.