“F1® The Movie” - Wonderboy.

You’re probably going to see a bunch of reviews describing F1® The Movie as predictable and formulaic. Many will call it predictable, but that’s lazy because sports movies are always predictable. Others will call it formulaic, which is also lazy (all movies are formulaic), but also because they can’t resist bad puns (in case you don’t know, the F in F1 stands for formula). Ironically, F1 is formulaic. I don’t say that because it follows the standard racing movie formula (and it does). I say it because it’s The Natural on wheels.

In F1, young Sonny Hayes (Brad Pitt) was going to be the best there ever was. After showing off a bit, he suffers a near-fatal life-changing injury. For a couple of decades after that, he disappears, occasionally racing in random places, and finally gets another shot at the biggest stage in racing - the F1 circuit with the APX team. Once there, he has to contend with the resident and younger star Joshua Pearce (Damson Idris). As the season progresses, Hayes wins over the fans and the racing team, while also having to contend with a meddlesome journalist. In addition, one of the team’s owners wants to force another owner, Ruben Cervantes (Javier Bardem) to sell his stake (as long as they don’t win a race, the sale will happen). Near the end and riding high, Hayes suffers another injury that looks like his permanent end but grits his teeth and performs in the final race. Sound familiar? Would you be surprised at all if it were revealed Hayes scratched a lightning bolt on the side of his car and named it Wonderboy?

Before you scream SPOILERS!! at me, I did warn you in the first paragraph. And unless you’ve never seen a sports movie, don’t act surprised. Sports movies are always about underdogs. They always feature someone being redeemed. They always feature some form of rival. And they nearly always end with the underdog winning unless it’s Rocky Balboa’s first title fight or the Mystery, Alaska hockey team playing the New York Rangers. And even in those cases, they still won while losing. People generally don’t like that there was no joy in Mudville. So don’t pretend there’s a chance F1 ends with Hayes and/or Pearce dying in a fiery crash and Ruben forced out and bankrupt.

Besides, there are plenty of good things about this movie that provide reason to watch. Obviously, one is Brad Pitt. He’s very easy on the eyes, confirmed by Pearce’s mother (Sarah Niles) when she first lays eyes on a large poster of Hayes and mildly grosses out her son with her comments. But Pitt can also be relied on to always deliver a good, if not great, performance. Some might complain that Pitt always just plays himself, to which I reply - yeah, exactly. Isn’t that like complaining about pizza always being pizza?

You know who else is really easy on the eyes and gives a great performance? Damson Idris. Pearce is cocky, arrogant, entitled, and wildly talented. He’s essentially younger Hayes, which is another staple of sports movies like this, including...wait for it...The Natural. Idris delivers a performance that nails all of those character traits, then nails Pearce’s character growth through Pearce’s very strong story arc. It’s so well done you’ll go from wanting someone on the pit crew to hit him with a wrench to kinda, sorta rooting for him to win the last race. Don’t worry, that’s not a spoiler. Hayes and Pearce both participate in the races and only one of them has to win to save Ruben’s ownership. You’ll be rooting for both of them in the end, I promise.

You know who else is really easy on the eyes and gives a great performance? Kerry Condon. She plays Kate McKenna, a former aerospace engineer and the team’s technical director. McKenna is the brains behind the team and the design of the car. She’s also the love interest, but the screenplay doesn’t turn her into the wide-eyed damsel pining for Hayes. Perhaps the best scene of the film features McKenna expertly handling her two head-butting drivers in a friendly game of poker to determine which driver gets to be the primary driver in an upcoming race. It’s the kind of scene and performance that confirms why she was nominated for an Academy Award (The Banshees of Inisherin).

You know who else is really easy on the eyes and gives a great performance? Just kidding, I’ll stop now. And, yes, Javier Bardem gives a great performance; not sure about the other part. Sorry Javy, you’re no Brad Pitt.

Actually, you know what else is easy on the eyes and performs great? All of the racing stuff and not just the racing scenes themselves (which are really cool). While the story is completely fictional, the filmmakers went to great lengths to showcase much of what goes into an F1 racing team. The technology alone is staggering for what seems like such a simple sport - to drive a car really fast. From wind tunnels, to racing simulators, to an operations room and team that looks like it’s going to launch rockets to the moon, to the various components of the cars, it’s mind-boggling to realize it’s all done to gain a few seconds of time. And for the low, low cost of a $50-$150 million dollars per year.

F1 does all the right things. Not only does it check all the boxes of a good summer blockbuster - good action, beautiful people, excellent visual effects. It checks all the boxes of movies that you’ll watch multiple times - good storytelling, well-developed characters, smart dialogue, and excellent performances. I knew next to nothing about F1 before this film and now I’m far more interested in the entirety of it.

Rating: Ask for the low, low cost of zero dollars back.

“From the World of John Wick: Ballerina” - Killing Eve (or John Wick: Chapter 3.5).

Yes, that’s the actual title of the movie. Not just Ballerina, but From the World of John Wick: Ballerina. I triple-checked it. Lionsgate Films is making sure that everyone knows Ballerina is a John Wick movie. But that’s not all. Ballerina isn’t just a movie in the John Wick world, it’s a movie that features literal John Wick in much more than a cameo role. That’s how little faith Lionsgate has in a spinoff movie that’s ostensibly about a female assassin named Eve (Ana de Armas).

Like all John Wick films, Ballerina exists as little more than an action vehicle with just the tiniest hint of plot and a dash of world-building. Were you hoping Ballerina would shed some light on the High Table? Maybe get some real backstory and depth on the Continental Hotel chain? Or even just any character spending a couple of minutes actually explaining the hallowed rules of this assassin world? You know - the rules that everyone mentions but that nobody actually respects or follows? Well, keep on hoping.

Ballerina takes place between the events of John Wick 3 and John Wick 4. Remember early in John Wick 3 when John goes to a ballet theater owned by the Ruska Roma to meet with The Director (Anjelica Huston)? Me either. But that scene was partially recreated, followed by a quick conversation between Eve and John, to justify this movie’s existence. Eve is part of the Ruska Roma, having joined them as a child after her father was murdered by The Chancellor (Gabriel Byrne), leader of a mysterious and ruthless cult of assassins.

Again, like the other films, Ballerina gives frustratingly little information about its main entities - in this case the Ruska Roma and the assassin cult. The Ruska Roma are either assassins, ballet dancers, or both, but their business appears to be security protection rather than murder for hire. Honestly, it doesn’t actually matter. When Eve crosses paths with an assassin from the mystery cult, she confronts The Director for more information but is explicitly ordered not to pursue the cult due to a vaguely referenced agreement between the cult and the Ruska. But the rules of this world are broken all the time or simply not followed at all in the case of the cult. Eve wants vengeance for her father so, naturally, Eve ignores The Director.

What morsels we learn about the cult is a fraction of the little we learn about the Ruska. The cult lives in (and fully populates) a secret European mountain village, does not tolerate any members leaving, and...that’s really all we get. Eve’s dad was killed because he tried to leave with Eve. As Eve is searching for cult’s location, Eve tracks down a cult member staying at one of the Continentals (Norman Reedus). Turns out, he is doing the same with his daughter. The film gives a token attempt at tying this into Eve’s quest, but it’s really just another excuse to show how nobody follows the rules. In this case, an action sequence ensues in which a bunch of assassins “conduct business on Continental grounds,” which is expressly forbidden according to Winston (Ian McShane), but has happened in literally every John Wick movie. This universe is in the dumbest timeline.

But I get it - nobody is watching these movies hoping for rich world-building, clever dialogue, well-written plots, or fully fleshed-out characters. No, they’re here for the sweet, sweet action. And in that regard, nobody will be disappointed. de Armas is a very worthy choice as the next spotlighted assassin in this ultraviolent franchise, is easily as convincing a super assassin as Keanu Reeves. Like John, Eve is practically invincible, never misses a shot, can kill with anything she can get her hands on, and even takes quite the beating on multiple occasions.

And because this is movie number five in the franchise, the action scenes have steadily grown crazier and sillier to keep our attention. I particularly enjoyed Eve taking on a bunch of bad guys within the confines of an arms dealer’s hideout, as well as Eve battling her way through a town where even assassin children are trying to kill her. There are scenes featuring guns, knives, grenades, flame thrower duels, ice skates, and even dinner plates. Yeah, it’s as bonkers as it sounds and you should love every second of those scenes because, again, that’s why you’re there.

But none of those scenes can cover up for an egregious decision made by the filmmakers/studio - indulging in fan service that undercuts the value of Eve. You know, the protagonist of the film? I won’t give away the specifics (the previews featuring John took care of that), but John’s inclusion in the climax proves how little the writers and filmmakers care about the “World of John Wick” (heavy emphasis on the air quotes) or trust anything or anyone in it not named John Wick. And that, in a nutshell, is why I’ve always disliked this franchise.

Rating: Ask for fifteen dollars back because this was supposed to be Eve’s movie.

“Karate Kid: Legends” - Deja Fu.

Welcome back to the film world of Karate Kid, the land where all bullies are vanquished and girls are wooed simply by competing in a city-wide martial arts tournament. A tournament that can only be won by a double top-secret move taught by a karate legend. But before we reveal that move, let’s meet our main contestants.

Li Fong (Ben Wang) is a high schooler from Beijing, who trained in and studied Kung Fu under Mr. Han’s (Jackie Chan) tutelage. Educated in Hong Kong, but forced to move to New York after his mother Dr. Wong (Ming-Na Wen) accepted a job there, Li has a perfect American accent, enjoys stuffed crust pizza, and is terrible at calculus. How about a round of applause for Li-i-i-i Fo-o-o-ong!

In the opposite corner is Conor Day (Aramis Knight). According to Conor’s ex-girlfriend Mia (Sadie Stanley), Conor is a “psycho” and “one of those mistakes she’s not going to make any more.” Conor enjoys scowling, surprise kicking his sparring partners in the head, and scowling while kicking his sparring partners in the head. Conor enjoys sucker punching people on the subway and signaling goons to jump potential opponents and old men, even in the middle of crowded areas. Give it up for Con-n-n-nor Da-a-a-y! Or not! He’s a real wanker.

 

While we have a moment, let’s thank our sponsor - Victory Pizza. Locally owned by boxing legend Victor Lipani (Joshua Jackson) - if winning NY boxing tournaments counts as legendary *pause for laughter* - Victory Pizza serves traditional New York pies; you won’t find stuffed crust there. Located right around the corner from the Fongs’ apartment, you’ll be greeted by Victor’s lovely daughter Mia (yes, the very same Mia who dumped Conor) or, if you’re lucky, goons sent by local loan shark and dojo owner (where Conor trains) O’Shea (Tim Rozon). Victor owes O’Shea a substantial amount of money, so head on down to Victory Pizza for a slice or two to help Victor keep his knees.

Coaching Li is Mr. Han and *drumroll* the man you’ve waited nearly an hour of the movie to see - Daniel LaRusso (Ralph Macchio). Both men have a travelled a long way to work with young Li for no real reason. LaRusso joins us from Reseda, California, and Han all the way from Beijing. Together, they spent almost an entire week playfully bantering with each other while occasionally working with Li to hone Li’s skills and perfect a devastating trap move they dubbed the Tiger Trap. Did you hear me people? ONE WHOLE WEEK!! Can. You. Believe. It!? (Don’t answer that)

The Tiger Trap move isn’t just any run of the mill move that can be learned by boring old traditional training. It can only be learned with the help of a subway turnstile. Yes, I said a subway turnstile. Why do you think Jackie Chan’s in this movie? The move itself is dear to Li’s heart. It includes the use of his dead brother’s own super-secret move - the dragon kick. Yes, I said dead brother. All movies whose target audience is children are contractually required to include at least one dead family member.

Before we begin, let’s get a quick recap of how we got here.

First, I had jury duty. That’s not a joke. I had to spend an entire day listening to evidence and witnesses agree - yes, they all agreed - that Man A taped a sign to Man B’s sign, admitted that he did it at the time, apologized at the time to Man B, and still found himself facing charges of defacing property and trespassing because Man B is a shitty human being. This was a real case in a real court that cost real time and real money and I am not exaggerating at all. And since the case ran late, I arrived at the movie in the middle of the opening scene, where the film was doing a bit of retconning of Mr. Miyagi. Now you know why I sound the way I do.

Second, when O’Shea’s goons went to pay Victor a little visit, Li went all Jackie Chan on their asses. Seeing Li in action, Victor convinced Li to train him for a boxing match with a prize large enough to pay off his to loan to O’Shea. Given that Li decided to compete in this karate tournament to win money for Victor, you can guess how Victor’s boxing match went.

Third, writer Rob Lieber and director Jonathan Entwistle were ordered to make a movie that marries the Karate Kid films with the Cobra Kai series while also adhering to the original film’s formula. And boy did they ever do that second thing while paying lip service to that first thing. And they did it in thirty fewer minutes than the original (Legends finishes in a brisk ninety-four minutes), mostly by refusing to do silly things like develop characters or flesh out plot points. But that’s not why you’re really here, right folks?

You’re here to see some fighting so, let’s get ready to ru-m-m-m-b-l-l-l-le!

Rating: Be like O’Shea and ask for three-fourths of your money back (but non-violently).