“From the World of John Wick: Ballerina” - Killing Eve (or John Wick: Chapter 3.5).

Yes, that’s the actual title of the movie. Not just Ballerina, but From the World of John Wick: Ballerina. I triple-checked it. Lionsgate Films is making sure that everyone knows Ballerina is a John Wick movie. But that’s not all. Ballerina isn’t just a movie in the John Wick world, it’s a movie that features literal John Wick in much more than a cameo role. That’s how little faith Lionsgate has in a spinoff movie that’s ostensibly about a female assassin named Eve (Ana de Armas).

Like all John Wick films, Ballerina exists as little more than an action vehicle with just the tiniest hint of plot and a dash of world-building. Were you hoping Ballerina would shed some light on the High Table? Maybe get some real backstory and depth on the Continental Hotel chain? Or even just any character spending a couple of minutes actually explaining the hallowed rules of this assassin world? You know - the rules that everyone mentions but that nobody actually respects or follows? Well, keep on hoping.

Ballerina takes place between the events of John Wick 3 and John Wick 4. Remember early in John Wick 3 when John goes to a ballet theater owned by the Ruska Roma to meet with The Director (Anjelica Huston)? Me either. But that scene was partially recreated, followed by a quick conversation between Eve and John, to justify this movie’s existence. Eve is part of the Ruska Roma, having joined them as a child after her father was murdered by The Chancellor (Gabriel Byrne), leader of a mysterious and ruthless cult of assassins.

Again, like the other films, Ballerina gives frustratingly little information about its main entities - in this case the Ruska Roma and the assassin cult. The Ruska Roma are either assassins, ballet dancers, or both, but their business appears to be security protection rather than murder for hire. Honestly, it doesn’t actually matter. When Eve crosses paths with an assassin from the mystery cult, she confronts The Director for more information but is explicitly ordered not to pursue the cult due to a vaguely referenced agreement between the cult and the Ruska. But the rules of this world are broken all the time or simply not followed at all in the case of the cult. Eve wants vengeance for her father so, naturally, Eve ignores The Director.

What morsels we learn about the cult is a fraction of the little we learn about the Ruska. The cult lives in (and fully populates) a secret European mountain village, does not tolerate any members leaving, and...that’s really all we get. Eve’s dad was killed because he tried to leave with Eve. As Eve is searching for cult’s location, Eve tracks down a cult member staying at one of the Continentals (Norman Reedus). Turns out, he is doing the same with his daughter. The film gives a token attempt at tying this into Eve’s quest, but it’s really just another excuse to show how nobody follows the rules. In this case, an action sequence ensues in which a bunch of assassins “conduct business on Continental grounds,” which is expressly forbidden according to Winston (Ian McShane), but has happened in literally every John Wick movie. This universe is in the dumbest timeline.

But I get it - nobody is watching these movies hoping for rich world-building, clever dialogue, well-written plots, or fully fleshed-out characters. No, they’re here for the sweet, sweet action. And in that regard, nobody will be disappointed. de Armas is a very worthy choice as the next spotlighted assassin in this ultraviolent franchise, is easily as convincing a super assassin as Keanu Reeves. Like John, Eve is practically invincible, never misses a shot, can kill with anything she can get her hands on, and even takes quite the beating on multiple occasions.

And because this is movie number five in the franchise, the action scenes have steadily grown crazier and sillier to keep our attention. I particularly enjoyed Eve taking on a bunch of bad guys within the confines of an arms dealer’s hideout, as well as Eve battling her way through a town where even assassin children are trying to kill her. There are scenes featuring guns, knives, grenades, flame thrower duels, ice skates, and even dinner plates. Yeah, it’s as bonkers as it sounds and you should love every second of those scenes because, again, that’s why you’re there.

But none of those scenes can cover up for an egregious decision made by the filmmakers/studio - indulging in fan service that undercuts the value of Eve. You know, the protagonist of the film? I won’t give away the specifics (the previews featuring John took care of that), but John’s inclusion in the climax proves how little the writers and filmmakers care about the “World of John Wick” (heavy emphasis on the air quotes) or trust anything or anyone in it not named John Wick. And that, in a nutshell, is why I’ve always disliked this franchise.

Rating: Ask for fifteen dollars back because this was supposed to be Eve’s movie.

“Karate Kid: Legends” - Deja Fu.

Welcome back to the film world of Karate Kid, the land where all bullies are vanquished and girls are wooed simply by competing in a city-wide martial arts tournament. A tournament that can only be won by a double top-secret move taught by a karate legend. But before we reveal that move, let’s meet our main contestants.

Li Fong (Ben Wang) is a high schooler from Beijing, who trained in and studied Kung Fu under Mr. Han’s (Jackie Chan) tutelage. Educated in Hong Kong, but forced to move to New York after his mother Dr. Wong (Ming-Na Wen) accepted a job there, Li has a perfect American accent, enjoys stuffed crust pizza, and is terrible at calculus. How about a round of applause for Li-i-i-i Fo-o-o-ong!

In the opposite corner is Conor Day (Aramis Knight). According to Conor’s ex-girlfriend Mia (Sadie Stanley), Conor is a “psycho” and “one of those mistakes she’s not going to make any more.” Conor enjoys scowling, surprise kicking his sparring partners in the head, and scowling while kicking his sparring partners in the head. Conor enjoys sucker punching people on the subway and signaling goons to jump potential opponents and old men, even in the middle of crowded areas. Give it up for Con-n-n-nor Da-a-a-y! Or not! He’s a real wanker.

 

While we have a moment, let’s thank our sponsor - Victory Pizza. Locally owned by boxing legend Victor Lipani (Joshua Jackson) - if winning NY boxing tournaments counts as legendary *pause for laughter* - Victory Pizza serves traditional New York pies; you won’t find stuffed crust there. Located right around the corner from the Fongs’ apartment, you’ll be greeted by Victor’s lovely daughter Mia (yes, the very same Mia who dumped Conor) or, if you’re lucky, goons sent by local loan shark and dojo owner (where Conor trains) O’Shea (Tim Rozon). Victor owes O’Shea a substantial amount of money, so head on down to Victory Pizza for a slice or two to help Victor keep his knees.

Coaching Li is Mr. Han and *drumroll* the man you’ve waited nearly an hour of the movie to see - Daniel LaRusso (Ralph Macchio). Both men have a travelled a long way to work with young Li for no real reason. LaRusso joins us from Reseda, California, and Han all the way from Beijing. Together, they spent almost an entire week playfully bantering with each other while occasionally working with Li to hone Li’s skills and perfect a devastating trap move they dubbed the Tiger Trap. Did you hear me people? ONE WHOLE WEEK!! Can. You. Believe. It!? (Don’t answer that)

The Tiger Trap move isn’t just any run of the mill move that can be learned by boring old traditional training. It can only be learned with the help of a subway turnstile. Yes, I said a subway turnstile. Why do you think Jackie Chan’s in this movie? The move itself is dear to Li’s heart. It includes the use of his dead brother’s own super-secret move - the dragon kick. Yes, I said dead brother. All movies whose target audience is children are contractually required to include at least one dead family member.

Before we begin, let’s get a quick recap of how we got here.

First, I had jury duty. That’s not a joke. I had to spend an entire day listening to evidence and witnesses agree - yes, they all agreed - that Man A taped a sign to Man B’s sign, admitted that he did it at the time, apologized at the time to Man B, and still found himself facing charges of defacing property and trespassing because Man B is a shitty human being. This was a real case in a real court that cost real time and real money and I am not exaggerating at all. And since the case ran late, I arrived at the movie in the middle of the opening scene, where the film was doing a bit of retconning of Mr. Miyagi. Now you know why I sound the way I do.

Second, when O’Shea’s goons went to pay Victor a little visit, Li went all Jackie Chan on their asses. Seeing Li in action, Victor convinced Li to train him for a boxing match with a prize large enough to pay off his to loan to O’Shea. Given that Li decided to compete in this karate tournament to win money for Victor, you can guess how Victor’s boxing match went.

Third, writer Rob Lieber and director Jonathan Entwistle were ordered to make a movie that marries the Karate Kid films with the Cobra Kai series while also adhering to the original film’s formula. And boy did they ever do that second thing while paying lip service to that first thing. And they did it in thirty fewer minutes than the original (Legends finishes in a brisk ninety-four minutes), mostly by refusing to do silly things like develop characters or flesh out plot points. But that’s not why you’re really here, right folks?

You’re here to see some fighting so, let’s get ready to ru-m-m-m-b-l-l-l-le!

Rating: Be like O’Shea and ask for three-fourths of your money back (but non-violently).

 

“Lilo & Stitch (2025)” - Open your eyes wide and say ahhh.

I was in college when the original Lilo & Stitch was released (2002), so, no, I didn’t see it back when it came out. I saw parts of it on a cruise once, but that’s as close as I ever got to watching the whole thing. The point is I have no idea if this new version tracks closely with the original. But I’m told by a fellow critic that it was very close. So, this 2025 version is just as wacky as the original.

Yes, it’s wacky. An alien chaos monster known as Experiment 626 escapes intergalactic custody, steals a spaceship, crash lands on Earth in Hawaii, pretends to be a dog to avoid capture by two aliens posing as humans, is adopted by six-year-old Lilo (Maia Kealoha) who names him Stitch because he tore a hole in the seat of a truck that her sister Nani (Sydney Agudong) said will need stitches, and helps the two sisters come to terms with the death of their parents and heal their relationship. Other than the dead parents, it’s not exactly following the Disney princess fairy tale script, is it? 

The thing is: I like wacky. One of my favorite movies (and stories) is Alice in Wonderland and it doesn’t get wackier than Alice in Wonderland. No, not the Tim Burton remake (which I also liked), but the original animated feature. Alien-chaos-monster is right up my mischievous-disappearing-cat alley.

For the first half of the film, the wackiness is plentiful. Stitch causes all kinds of mayhem, just like he was created to do. Lilo gets in on the action as well, running amok with Stitch, the two of them driving Nani crazy. In addition, the two aliens chasing Stitch provide some Abbott-and-Costello-esque laughs as well. Their names are Dr. Jumba (Zack Galifianakis) and Pleakley (Billy Magnussen) and they are easily my favorite part of the film. Galifianakis delivers a character trying to be serious, but dropping dry humor all over the place. Conversely, Magnussen’s Pleakley is a manic and slapsticky “Earth expert.” Magnussen is clearly having a ball in this role, which is written all over his face in every scene. And what an expressive face he has, perfect for conveying a vast range of reactions and emotions. Perhaps my favorite facial expression is when he opens is eyes so wide they like they’re half the size of his entire face. Between this movie and his role in Hulu’s The Franchise, Magnussen is quickly making me a fan.

Unfortunately, the film isn’t all craziness and chaos. Remember, this movie is also about a grieving pair of sisters. Nani is also forced to assume the role of Lilo’s mother and provide for the both of them. After a meeting with a social worker (Tia Carrere) goes a bit off the rails, Nani is given a week to get things or else Lilo will be taken in custody of by the state. Obviously, the chaos from Lilo and Stitch is antithetical to this, always resulting in the worst outcome. This storyline plays out a bit like a romantic comedy, albeit one that is doomed from the start. It starts rather lightly, includes a misunderstanding that leads to a kind of breakup, then ends in a tidy and predictable way. Booo. Bring back the chaos!

There are also a couple of extraneous characters that are given so little to do, one wonders why they are even there. The original film featured a character named Cobra Bubbles, an ex-CIA agent turned social worker. For no logical reason, the filmmakers of this remake broke Cobra Bubbles into two characters - the social worker and current CIA agent Cobra Bubbles (Courtney B. Vance). Cobra spends most of his scenes trying to capture Stitch, even posing as the social worker’s boss. When he finally does, Nani easily convinces Cobra to release them during the climax with Jumba. Oh, I forgot to mention Jumba is the villain. I told you this movie was chaos, even when it’s kind of boring chaos.

Despite the film’s uneven mix of stories, I appreciate that Disney took a swing with this one back in 2002. I also appreciate the good performances from all of the cast, including Kealoha (surprising from an eight-year-old), Agudong, and Hannah Waddingham (voicing the Grand Councilwoman, leader of the United Galactic Federation who ordered the capture of Stitch). And I really appreciate the great special effects bringing Stitch and the other aliens to life. I don’t want to give Disney too much credit - this is yet another live-action remake trying to cash in on nostalgia. But I never saw the original, so it’s new enough for me.

Rating: Ask for three dollars back because there wasn’t enough chaos.