“Heart Eyes” - To Scream or not to Scream.

Cult classics are movies that gain a following of devoted fans well after the movie is released. There are a lot of different types of cult classics, ranging from well-produced movies like Bladerunner to outright garbage like Plan 9 from Outer Space. The one I always think of is Rocky Horror Picture Show. A former girlfriend loved it and asked me to watch it and we’re not together anymore. We didn’t break up because Picture Show is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, but it sure didn’t help her case. If she loved a movie like Heart Eyes, well, it still wouldn’t have worked out between us.

Heart Eyes is one of the dumbest movies I’ve seen in a long time. But it’s intentionally dumb and I can respect that. It’s the kind of movie I would watch again, but only after at least three drinks. It’s easy to see Heart Eyes joining the ranks of cult classics because there’s something mildly charming about it. But it’s also easy to see it ending up in the trash can of everyone’s memory because it also contains hints of taking itself too seriously. It’s trying to capture the self-awareness of Scream while simultaneously trying to bear hug Scary Movie.

Ally (Olivia Holt) is a marketing producer for a jewelry company. She has created an ad campaign centered around killing your significant other. There is no context where this makes any kind of sense, even as goofy joke. The rest of the marketing team, as well as the CEO, calls her out on it, especially because it’s Valentine’s Day and the Heart Eyes killer has started his annual killing spree. See what I mean about the movie trying to have it both ways? This is the convoluted pretext for putting Ally together with Jay (Mason Gooding), a consultant in town for a single night to help save the campaign.

Jay is charming, handsome, and witty and is one of the primary elements to like about this film. Ally is stalking her ex, lives like a slob, and speaks to people like she’s a character on Dawson’s Creek. But she’s doing those things in a weirdly likeable way - plus they had a meet-cute prior to Ally learning who he was - so we kind of don’t want to her to be murdered. After insulting Jay at dinner, she kisses him to apologize and guess who sees this through his heart eyes mask?

The Heart Eyes killer chases for them for the rest of the night and that is the rest of the film. While Ally and Jay are chased throughout Seattle, the film is littered with near death misses for the couple, incompetent cops, dozens of murders, and a plethora of jokes both good and bad. When put together, do all those things make a cult classic?

On one hand, the film knows what is. The mode of operation (MO) for the killer is murdering couples on Valentine’s Day and there is no shortage of dead lovers. The film starts like Scream by introducing the killer slaughtering a couple at a vineyard. Then, as the pursuit of Ally and Jay continues, they yell multiple times that they are not a couple. It’s hilarious to see them try to evade death by yelling the killer’s own MO at the killer.

I also liked that the film doesn’t shy away from the gore. Blood splatters and bones crunch as various people meet their demise. And the film doesn’t care about location or the killer being seen. Secluded alleys and vineyards are mixed with the killer running rampant through a police station and crowded drive-in movie theater. Everyone is fair game and everyone knows it. This allows the film to cash in some on some comedy as well. Perhaps the best example of the film knowing itself is a scene at the drive-in where Ally and Jay hide in the front of a van. They are having a heartfelt conversation, but we can hear in the background the owners of the van having sex. It’s dumb because Ally and Jay are trying not to draw attention for the killer, yet funny because the couple having sex are keeping it relatively quiet. And neither pair of people are interrupting each other.

On the other hand, the film doesn’t lean all the way into pure silliness, so the audience is forced to take it kind of seriously. The ad campaign is never brought back to tie into anything happening or even for a fun joke later in the film. Ally’s boss (Michaela Watkins) is a caricature of a CEO, complete with a nonsensical southern accent, but also vanishes from the film after seeing Ally’s ad campaign. The cops (Devon Sawa and Jordana Brewster) are playing it straight as well, even after an attempt at humor revealing the cops’ names are Hobbs and Shaw. Ally and Jay spell out the reference to the Fast and Furious franchise, but the cops respond with “never seen it.” It’s a very tired joke, but could have been saved by leaning into the reference harder.

So, what are the chances Heart Eyes becomes a cult classic? It’s definitely goofy enough to hit a lot of people in the right way. But it also features some of the worst acting I’ve seen, even for most cult classics. Then again, Gooding is absolutely delightfully. But then again, again, the killer doesn’t seem particularly concerned with keeping to his own MO. Either way, it’s decently entertaining, all things considered. But definitely have a drink first. Or three.

Rating: Ask for half of your money back because you can straddle the line just like the movie.

“Scream VI” - There are rules here? Oh no. There are no rules here.

Prior to watching Scream VI, my family and our neighbors dedicated the weekend to a Scream marathon, dubbed “Scream Saturday.” We managed to watch the first four movies on Saturday and finished the fifth on Sunday. I wouldn’t recommend anyone else do this. You’re welcome. The group also asked me to rank all five before we started, to which I responded, “start with the original Scream and draw a line that slopes down.” After the marathon, I revised that line with an upward tick for the fifth movie, but not a big tick. I reread my review of the fifth film and I stand by what I said. In short, it was a remake of the original.

(Side note: The most notable thing I remember about the fifth movie is that we critics weren’t allowed to refer to it as Scream 5, so I called it Scream not-Five throughout my review. In honor of that, I’m going to refer to Scream VI as Scream definitely-VI for the rest of this review.) (Ed. Note - No, you’re not.)

Scream definitely-VI (Ed. Note - Really?) is more of the same - zero inspiration or creativity in the form of a near carbon copy of Scream 2 while fanatically adhering to the Scream formula. If I wanted to be really cheeky, I could do the same with my Scream not-Five review. It’s uncanny how much of what I wrote about Scream not-Five applies to Scream definitely-VI (Ed. Note - Stop it.). All I’d need to do is change a few actors’ names, note the film takes place in New York City, and mention that the killer’s motivation is revenge just like in Scream 2. I won’t because then I’d be as boring and predictable as Scream definitely-VI (Ed. Note - This is your last warning).

The biggest red flag for me came before the film even started. As I sat waiting for the proverbial curtain to rise, the film’s poster was displayed on the screen. Immediately, I spotted Kirby (Hayden Panettiere) and Chad (Mason Gooding) prominently featured, both of whom died in movies four and five, respectively. It is never a good sign when a franchise starts taking cues from soap operas, leaning into the screenwriting trope that if we don’t see them die, they didn’t die. Kirby even remarks that she was technically dead for four minutes. Just...no. It was hard enough to believe Tara (Jenna Ortega) survived her skewering in Scream not-Five, but Kirby was very, very dead. The reason this is a problem is it removes the only stakes that matter in a slasher flick - lives. If we don’t believe the characters will actually die, all of the suspense in the film goes away.

The truly disappointing thing is there are moments in the film proving the filmmakers could make a better movie if they wanted to. The best example is a scene on a crowded subway train. The movie takes place over Halloween and the train is filled with people in costume, several of whom are dressed as Ghostface. The use of flickering lights and darkened, obscured views of various Ghostfaced passengers creates one of the most suspenseful scenes of the entire franchise. Contrast that with a scene where a character is somehow able to attempt crawling across a ladder between two adjacent buildings despite having been sliced open from navel to sternum. Or another scene where Kirby and Mindy (Jasmin Savoy Brown) compare their horror movie fandom by making the same comments simultaneously. Clearly, that subway scene is a unicorn in a herd of screaming donkeys.

Speaking of screaming donkeys, it’s far past time for the franchise to ditch the whole meta, we-know-we’re-in-a-horror-movie-wink-wink theme. Scream not-Five jumped the shark with its inane requel nonsense, Mindy (Jasmin Savoy Brown) shout-lecturing its definition and rules at both the cast and audience. Having survived the requel, Mindy doubles down, stopping the new movie dead in its tracks to pedantically announce they are in a franchise, yell at everyone why they are a suspect, and spell out rules (for franchises now) that are redundant, exaggerated, and not even adhered to in some cases. I won’t spoil for you which rules get ignored, but the movie proves that its rules are really more like guidelines. It’s a shame characters don’t really die any more because Mindy’s incessant monologuing more than earned her a gruesome death.

Perhaps the biggest problem with the film is the abandonment of all subtlety. In the original Scream, the rules are given to us in an organic way that feels natural, carrying on through films two and three fairly well, though clearly a bit forced in film three. Films five and six don’t even attempt to make it feel natural, instead beating us over the head with it purely because formula and nostalgia demand it. Then there are the killers, who used to be somewhat sneaky and devious, but are now just bluntly and loudly attacking whenever and wherever. In one scene, Ghostface attacks Sam (Melissa Barrera) and Tara with a shotgun in a convenience store filled with customers. In another scene, Ghostface repeatedly slams its body against a barricaded door, ostensibly alerting the entire apartment building, if not the entire block, that something is amiss (not to mention the group of victims screaming their way through the entire ordeal).

Also not subtle? The killings. Mindy’s rules include ever more gruesome deaths (“a beheading?” one person asks), which really means focusing on the stabbings longer and splashing more blood around. For everyone who loves Fast and Furious movies for the car stunts, Scream fans’ bloodlust will be satisfied through the stabbings and killings. I wouldn’t say they are particularly more inventive than previous Scream movie stabbings and killings (hard to top the slow-motion neck stabbing of Wes or face stabbing of Richie in Scream not-Five), but they are plentiful, wet, and brutal. Just don’t expect any slow ramp up to them, as Ghostface is mostly barreling its way through the film.

Like Fast and Furious, the Scream franchise shows no signs of stopping and every sign of becoming more of a caricature of itself with each subsequent entry. And I get it. At movie six in a franchise, nobody is trying to be clever anymore. If audiences keep showing up for the exact same serving, why risk changing anything? Just keep plopping the same characters and formula into the same mold, sprinkle in a few new characters, simmer on low for two hours, and voila! Profit. As for the franchise rankings, I’d put Scream definitely-VI at (Ed. Note - And you’re done now.).

Rating: Ask for eleven dollars back. Those are the guidelines.