“Trolls Band Together” - Road trip.

In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to milk every franchise into a desiccated husk, they present to us Trolls Band Together. While being the third film entry in the franchise, Band Together is also preceded by two holiday specials and two television series spanning 104 episodes. If there was anything left for this franchise to give, Hollywood pulled out all the stops to squeeze it out. And by all the stops I mean rehash the plot of the first movie and convince NSYNC to perform its first original song in twenty-two years as a forgettable cameo in the movie’s epilogue.

In my review of Five Nights at Freddy’s, I noted that the movie felt like an episode of Scooby-Doo. Maybe having that fresh in my brain is the reason I feel like Band Together is essentially an episode of Smurfs. In fact, the entire franchise is essentially a remake of Smurfs. A race of tiny, musical beings featuring a pointy head covering and living in the forest are constantly in danger of being eaten by giant humanoids. I’m very disappointed in myself for taking seven years to see the similarities.

When Branch (Justin Timberlake) was in diapers, he performed with his four older brothers in a boyband called BroZone. The oldest brother, John Dory (Eric Andre), was obsessed with the group hitting the perfect family harmony (which we’re told can shatter diamond), eventually driving all five siblings apart. Fast-forward to the present where Branch and Queen Poppy (Anna Kendrick) are helping plan and execute the wedding of Gristle Jr. (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) and Bridget (Zooey Deschanel). You remember the Gristle and Bridget, don’t you? They are two of the Gargamels, er...Bergens, creatures who are now friends with the trolls after spending years literally eating trolls.

Midway through the wedding ceremony, John Dory crashes the proceedings, interrupting to inform Branch that their brother Floyd (Troye Sivan) is being held prisoner in Mount Rageous by pop-star siblings Velvet (Amy Schumer) and Veneer (Andrew Rannells). Like the Bergens, Velvet and Veneer are tall, human-esque beings trading trolls’ lives for their own happiness. In this case, the duet have imprisoned Floyd in a magic diamond perfume bottle that sucks out his talent and gives it to whomever sprays themselves with the bottle. If that doesn’t scream Gargamel plot, I don’t smurf what does.

Like the first Trolls, Poppy and Branch set out on a rescue quest before Floyd is (figuratively) eaten. As the title suggests, in order to save Floyd, they have to get the band back together. And I hope you are a fan of family members squabbling on a road trip. If not, the phrase “are we there yet” is going to be the only thought you have for a large chunk of the film.

Like all road trips, there are stops along the way to break up the bickering. The first is Vacay Island, filled with people similar to those in Mount Rageous, but Rastafarian surfers instead of the rage partiers of Mount Rageous. Spruce (Daveed Diggs) also lives on the island, married to a Vacay Islander and has children with her. This reproductive implausibility is directly pondered by the group, forcing us and our children to also ponder it. It’s funny until your brain conjures an image, then it’s just fun.

The second location is an abandoned Bergen miniature golf course inhabited by trolls. In a half-baked, completely unnecessary subplot, these trolls turn out to be a group left behind when the rest of the trolls escaped the Bergen troll tree prison at the beginning of the first film. Plus, the last brother, Clay (Kid Cudi), is there. The leader of the group is Poppy’s long-lost sister Viva (Camila Cabello), who Poppy did not know existed. Viva and friends still think Bergens want to eat them, so try to force Poppy and the gang to remain with them. While Poppy is ecstatic that she has a sibling (after spending most of her screen time wishing she had a sibling), the quest must go on. Poppy and Clay depart, leaving Viva with the knowledge that Bergens no longer eat trolls, setting up a contrived reason for Viva to show up in the climax (involving the honeymooning Gristle and Bridget).

While I was fairly entertained (I always enjoy quest stories), Band Together pales in comparison to the original Trolls (though is much better than the atrocious Trolls World Tour). Almost no time is spent exploring the new realms or species we’re introduced to. Poppy and Branch experience zero character growth. Gristle and Bridget are reduced to punchlines. The new characters introduced are so thin they are barely one-dimensional. Worst of all, Cloud Guy - the best character in the whole franchise - is only on screen for a couple of seconds. And that’s before we note that getting the band back together to hit the perfect family harmony is a big MacGuffin. Why not just take the lid off the perfume bottle? I’m pretty sure that’s what the Smurfs would have done.

It's easy to dismiss any criticism by saying adults are not the target audience for this film. Except, we very clearly are. NSYNC broke up twenty-one years ago, so today’s kids don’t know what a Joey Fatone is. This makes the NSYNC cameo in Band Together meaningless to everyone who can’t legally drink. Then there is the soundtrack, featuring hits from decades ago, from Weezer’s “Island in the Sun” to The Beatles “Eleanor Rigby” to Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5.” Troll dolls themselves debuted in 1959, hitting popular heights in the 1960s and again in the 1990s. And don’t forget the movie asks the audience to imagine what it would look like if a troll doll had sex with a giraffe. There’s more than one way to hit the perfect family harmony.

Rating: Ask for eight smurfs back.

“The Little Mermaid (2023)” - The Voice.

With the release of the live-action remake of The Little Mermaid, Disney will almost assuredly see its last billion-dollar box office remake of a beloved classic. Like The Lion King, Aladdin, and Beauty and the Beast before it, The Little Mermaid will benefit from my generation reminiscing about the good ol’ late 1980s and early 1990s. Among the many things we remember as children during that time was enjoying the animated film renaissance that began with The Little Mermaid in 1989. No price is too high to pay to try to recapture that feeling.

In terms of Disney animated movies people will pay to see remade, those four are gimmes while the rest are a coin flip, if not a straight *raspberry noise.* Remakes of Alice in Wonderland and The Jungle Book wound up around $1 billion at the box office and it goes downhill fast after that. Think I’m exaggerating? Name the Disney animated feature that was released immediately prior to the original The Little Mermaid. Or immediately after the original The Lion King, for that matter. Exactly. My cousin remembers Oliver & Company in 1988 and few remember Pocahontas in 1995. And none of them want to see a live-action remake of either of them. The upcoming Snow White & the Seven Dwarves has a chance, but I’ll take the under.

Because Disney wanted to make sure they got every last dollar out of our nostalgia with zero risk, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, and The Lion King were near carbon copies of the originals. Wouldn’t want to offend our inner children, right? The Little Mermaid is no different. There are slight tweaks to a few of the familiar scenes, as well as a couple new scenes featuring new songs (from Lin-Manuel Miranda and Alan Menken). And much to our chagrin, they cut out the scene where Chef Louis tries to cook Sebastian while singing “Les Poissons.” But the rest of the film is exactly how we remember it.

As with the other three “big four” movies, The Little Mermaid suffers from not being animated, losing much of the charm from the original. It’s weird to say that about a movie that is stuffed full of CGI, but here we are. It’s not that they couldn’t have recaptured it, but one reason they don’t is that they keep making the same bad decision to make the animals look as real as possible. In the animated versions, all of the creatures are drawn with human characteristics - eyebrows and human mouths, for example - in order for them to be more expressive.

Take Flounder for example. We don’t have to hear what cartoon Flounder is saying to know whether he is happy, sad, scared, or determined. It’s right there on his face. Conversely, CGI Flounder is an expressionless fish who emotes exclusively through dialogue. When we describe an actor as wooden, CGI Flounder epitomizes that description. To be fair, Scuttle (the seagull) and Sebastian (the crab) come off a lot better than Flounder does. But, Scuttle and Sebastian have the advantage of jointed limbs and charismatic actors voicing them (Awkwafina and Daveed Diggs, respectively) to cover for the lack of human facial traits. Sebastian also has cartoonish eyes that provide a bit of additional expression, which proves that the other characters could also have been embellished with CGI.

On the human side, Javier Bardem’s King Triton is about as wooden as they come. Sure, Bardem looks like he’s expressing the same emotions we saw 1989 Triton exhibit, but he’s not convincing at all. Look no further than the scene where Triton destroys Ariel’s treasure room. We’re supposed to believe he’s in a rage, but that’s just the laser-shooting trident talking. Triton seems mostly just annoyed in the same way I am when my son won’t put down his iPad and clean up his dishes. Maybe if I had a magic trident...

The other three main actors gave solid performance, though again, nothing that really stands out. If anything, they seem to be doing everything in their power to mimic their predecessors. Halle Bailey (Ariel) has a gorgeous singing voice and sounds very much like a sixteen-year-old girl. Jonah Hauer-King (Prince Eric) looks like what a CGI version of animated Prince Eric would look like, while delivering perhaps the sincerest performance of anyone in the film. Finally, we have Melissa McCarthy delivering an Ursula that is such a spot-on impression of Pat Carroll (the original voice of Ursula) that I’d believe McCarthy literally has the soul of Carroll possessing her.

When it comes to remakes, The Little Mermaid is among the better remakes, though it’s also among the less interesting. The CGI effects and scenery are breathtakingly gorgeous, especially the aesthetics of the mer-people. The story and its beats are identical to the original, which is good for those who’ve never seen the original and comforting at best for those who have. You’ll find yourself happily singing along with the old songs, but instantly forgetting all but one of the new songs (“The Scuttlebutt” sung by Diggs and Awkwafina). And there is somehow fifty-three more minutes of new movie that adds absolutely nothing to the story, not even a subplot. All of that put together leaves your nostalgia intact unless you really, really miss hearing “Les Poissons.”

Rating: Don’t ask for any money back because you knew Disney would play this one straight.

“Hamilton” - Hardcore history.

Raise your hand if you know more about Alexander Hamilton than 1) his face is on the ten dollar bill, 2) he created the United States’ central banking system, and 3) was killed in a duel by Aaron Burr. If your hand is up, go try out for Jeopardy! If your hand is down, congratulations on remembering the three Hamilton facts taught in U.S. public schools.

One of the problems with most history classes prior to college is they teach a sterile, abbreviated, and whitewashed version of history. This is not a problem exclusive to U.S. schools, but we are particularly bad about it. As our country deals with an out-of-control pandemic and crashing economy, we are also confronted with massive protests regarding racial inequality (to put it mildly). Again. Despite what certain senators from Arkansas and many people want to erase/ignore, the history of the U.S. is steeped in racist acts, the vast surface of which is barely scratched in history class. While some try to convince themselves and others that removing monuments to traitors (i.e. anyone who fought for the Confederacy in the U.S. Civil War) is erasing history (it really is not), they are correct in saying those traitors are part of our history. I fully agree that we should teach children about Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee, Braxton Bragg, and other Confederates and how they committed treason in order to continue enslaving other human beings. That way, if future generations happen across an episode of The Dukes of Hazzard, they will ask why anyone thought it was okay to paint the battle flag of traitors on top of a car in a U.S. television sitcom. Good question, but they’ll have to ask it north of the Mason-Dixon line. Please tell me you know what the Mason-Dixon line is.

Hamilton is a great example of what a history lesson should look like. Well, the story at least. I do not expect teachers to produce elaborate stage plays of every major historical figure, especially since they have their hands full trying to figure out how to pay for classroom supplies while conducting active-shooter drills (wow, do we underpay and underappreciate teachers). Hamilton is two hours and forty minutes of history as it should be - thorough, engaging, and covering a narrow topic in depth, namely the adult life of Alexander Hamilton. On top of that, it is an exquisitely executed production that is more entertaining than half the popcorn flicks foisted upon us every year.

The first thing you need to know about Hamilton the movie is that it is nothing more than a filmed version of a Broadway performance from 2017 (with light editing for camera angles). If you were hoping for a Hollywood’ed version of the play, you probably think Zack Snyder is the pinnacle of directing and I cannot help you. For years, we have seen pre-movie ads for live operas and plays shown in movie theaters and I have always been skeptical they would be worth watching. It seemed to me that something would be lost in the film version that can only be experienced attending the performance in person. While there is something to be said about watching a movie/play/opera as part of a crowd, everything else worked great. In fact, watching the film version has the bonus of making you feel like you are in the front row. In other words, you can actually see the actor’s faces rather than squinting through binoculars to see things like facial expressions. Also, you can pause for bathroom breaks or snacks without interrupting the show or blocking other audience members. Yep, definitely worth watching this way.

As for the play itself, it is hard to think of a better show or performance, movie or stage play. The story itself is very well-written (adapted from a 2004 biography of Hamilton by Ron Chernow), covering the major events of Hamilton’s life woven into moments in American history. It’s a fascinating look at the American Revolutionary War through the eyes of Hamilton (Lin-Manuel Miranda), covering George Washington (Christopher Jackson), Aaron Burr (Leslie Odom Jr.), Thomas Jefferson (Daveed Diggs), James Madison (Okieriete Onaodowan), and even King George III (Jonathan Groff). The story gives us a look into Hamilton’s marriage to Eliza Schuyler (Phillipa Soo), his relationships with various historical figures, including Eliza’s sister Angelica (Renee Elise Goldsberry), his background as an immigrant, his family life and son Philip (Anthony Ramos), his struggle to achieve his goals, his contribution to the foundational structure of America, his affair with Maria Reynolds (Jasmine Cephas Jones), and, of course, his death. And all presented in song, in a genre sure to make queasy those folks who wrongly think the Civil War was about states’ rights.

I am also unendingly impressed by the cast’s ability to deliver one hundred sixty minutes of flawless song and acting (which goes for any stage production, for that matter). With all due respect to film actors, the level of difficulty for a stage play is simply another galaxy. If that wasn’t hard enough, Diggs, Onaodowan, Jones, and Ramos each played two different speaking-part characters. Mind. Blown. If I thought my clapping could be heard through the streaming service and back in time, I would have applauded from my couch. Perhaps my favorite part of the show is Groff’s portrayal of King George, (George was a lunatic, among other things), including spittle and crazy eyes. There is still a chance of my clapping right now.

There is one criticism I have, which is I did not particularly enjoy Miranda’s singing. He deserves all the credit possible for writing fantastic lyrics and a phenomenal play, but I doubt he would have made it past the auditions in American Idol. He was me singing in my car, but on key. It did not take away from the film for me, but it was noticeable given how many songs he sang.

But, I cannot stress enough how great was Hamilton or how relevant it is right now. One of the most important things about Hamilton is the fact that the majority of the cast are people of color cast in the roles of historical white people and it doesn’t fucking matter to the story. Just like it doesn’t fucking matter if the next James Bond is played by Idris Elba (yes, please!!), even if James Bond is fictional. What matters is that extremely talented actors deliver mesmerizing performances, giving historical voice and connection to those who are generally historically left behind. History books and paintings remain to ensure we know these historical figures were white men, just like we know Ghandi is Indian rather than Ben Kingsley white. Now, let’s get this into school.

Rating: Worth twice as much as the monthly Disney+ dues. For a year.