“Blink Twice” - An okay first try for a freshman.

Zoe Kravitz makes her directing debut with Blink Twice. You know who Zoe Kravitz is, right? She played that one girl in the Divergent series. And that other girl in Mad Max: Fury Road. And that one mutant girl in X-Men: First Class. And Catwoman. No, the other Catwoman. No, no, no - the most recent Catwoman. So, of course it makes total sense to market Blink Twice as Kravitz’s directing debut to stir up interest in the film. She was that one girl in that HBO show. No, the other show. No, no, no - the one with Nicole Kidman and Reese Witherspoon.

Even if you do know who Zoe Kravitz is, you definitely weren’t wondering when she was going to start directing movies. In fact, I’m not sure anybody besides Kravitz was wondering. According to her bio, she attended just one year of college before pursuing a full-time acting career and her filmography includes exactly zero career credits outside of acting. Did I mention she is also one of two credited writers on Blink Twice, as well as a producer?

Blink Twice comes across exactly like you would expect from someone with Kravitz’s bio. There are moments of inspiration and interesting ideas, but far more moments of what you’d expect in a freshman’s Film 101 final project. You can tell Kravitz is familiar with filmmaking concepts, but still has a lot more to learn. For example, it didn’t occur to Kravitz that her original title for the film - Pussy Island - would probably be a bit tough to sell audiences on. When interviewed (by Entertainment Weekly), she seemed surprised by this, saying “Interestingly enough, after researching it, women were offended by the word, and women seeing the title were saying, 'I don't want to see that movie,...” - Sydney Bucksbaum, July 9, 2024. Kravitz was also informed that neither the Motion Picture Association or theaters wanted to put the word pussy on posters, billboards, kiosks, and tickets. Rookie mistake.

You can also tell Kravitz has seen movies like The Menu, Get Out, and Knives Out. Blink Twice is another psychological horror thriller that desperately wants to be those other movies. The film features Frida (Naomi Ackie) and Jess (Alia Shawkat), two friends invited to billionaire Slater King’s (Channing Tatum) private island to join King and some other people King has invited. Once on the island, the ladies are given lavish rooms, various outfits, and perfume. All of the guests, and Slater, spend their days lounging by the pool enjoying cocktails and nights indulging in lavish dinners, alcohol, and hallucinogenic drugs. It’s everything Frida dreamed life with Slater was like.

But we know something is wrong because creepy music plays every now and then and leather-skinned domestic workers keep killing snakes. Because Slater’s sister/assistant Stacy (Geena Davis) collects all of their cell phones upon arrival. Because Slater’s friends are played by Simon Rex, Christian Slater, and Haley Joel Osment. Any one of those three dudes are creepy on their own, but all three together? *Shudder* The only thing that could make that group creepier is if Kyle MacLachlan showed up. And guess who shows up?

Details like these are the tells that Kravitz is very much a novice at everything in the non-acting department of filmmaking. Other details give it away as well. Far too many close ups - and too many that linger - that don’t add meaning to the scene. Pacing that drags on for more than an hour, then sprints to the finish line. Too much focus on the style of the movie rather than the substance.

That goes for the writing as well. Like the movies I mentioned earlier, Kravitz (and co-writer E. T. Feigenbaum) are going for a big reveal to simultaneously awe and frighten the audience. But, like M. Night Shyamalan’s post-Unbreakable films, they trip over themselves trying to build to the reveal before face-planting into a wall. As I said before, we know something on the island is wrong, but only because the movie has to go out of its way to insert creepy music or snakes during the hour-long frivolities and frolicking of the characters that otherwise tell us nothing is amiss. The closest thing we get to drama is Frida and another guest, Sarah (Adria Arjona), kinda-sorta looking at each other sideways as they compete for Slater’s affection. But that tension never escalates or even materializes into anything noteworthy. For that matter, we know next to nothing about Sarah (or any of the other guests). So, when the reveal finally starts to unfold, we don’t even blink once when Sarah and Frida join forces.

The biggest saving grace for Kravitz is Channing Tatum and the rest of the cast doing the best they can with such a thin screenplay. To be fair, outside of Tatum and Ackie, the rest of the cast has little to do but act high or drunk or happy for most of the film, then switch to angry or scared for the climax. And to restrict Christian Slater to nothing more than a guy snapping Polaroids throughout the film is almost criminal. But Tatum and Ackie manage to keep the audience engaged in what is otherwise a mediocre attempt to be like much better movies. Kravitz would benefit from watching The Menu or Get Out again, but with people who actually finished film degrees.

Rating: They won’t blink when you ask for two-thirds of your money back.

“The Lost City” - Pretty, but dumb. No, wait, that’s pretty dumb.

Have you ever been to a comedy show or open mic night where the comedian absolutely bombed? That’s what The Lost City is, but with a little bit of silly action and a lot of hammy acting. I’m not saying it is completely unwatchable or cringe worthy like that tanking comedian. In fact, it has moments where it approaches fun. But you know you’re watching a bad movie when the actors are visibly laughing at the absurdity of their own movie during the movie. The Lost City is Romancing the Stone as seen through the eyes of clown that hasn’t slept in three days.

(SPOILERS - Not much to spoil, so you’re probably in the clear.)

Loretta Sage (Sandra Bullock) is a depressed, widowed, middle-aged, romance novelist. Arguably the best scene of the film is the opening scene, where we find the two heroes of Loretta’s novels trapped in a temple ruin, surrounded by snakes, a villain, and his evil henchman. There is some soapy dialogue, then the heroine questions how all the snakes happened to be in the temple and why they weren’t biting any of the henchman. We hear Loretta’s voice saying delete and elements of the scene start vanishing until nothing is left. We then cut to Loretta at her desk trying to work out how to end the book. This scene felt fresh and grabbed my attention. I thought we might get to see this happen several times throughout the film as Loretta searched for that perfect ending. Unfortunately, that was the one moment of cleverness in the film.

In an attempt to get Loretta out of her house and promote her new book, her publisher, Beth (Da’Vine Joy Randolph), badgers Loretta into going on a book tour. We jump to a dressing room, where Loretta is being primped for her appearance on a talk show. Loretta is wearing a hot pink, all sequin, onesie that even she questions the existence of. Her new social media manager, Allison (Patti Harrison) assures Loretta that this is what all the kids are wearing. Rather than fire the dipshit on the spot, Loretta accepts that she has been dressed like her grandmother’s lipstick and goes out on-stage. In fairness, Bullock tries to save the joke that is the unitard with some physical humor (struggling to get up on a tall stool), but the only joke is on her since she has to wear that outfit for most of the film.

Joining her on stage is Alan (Channing Tatum), the Fabio-like cover model for her books. Unlike Loretta, Alan actually wants to be on the stage because his entire career is making appearances as the books’ hero, Dash. The women in the audience ask a couple of questions, but are really just there to see Alan take his shirt off. And not just take it off, but have it ripped from his body by Loretta. Predictably, the movie tries to make another joke here by having Loretta get tangled in Alan’s hair, followed by Alan tumbling off the stage, leaving Loretta standing there holding Alan’s wig. You see, it’s always funny when a depressed neon crayon is left holding the long, blonde wig. Do you see the sleep-deprived clown now?

Thoroughly mortified, Loretta decides to leave and Alan follows her, trying to apologize and console her at the same time. The only problem is Alan is also kind of an imbecile and Loretta has nothing but contempt for him. Once outside the building, a car pulls up and Loretta thinks it’s the Uber she ordered. She gets in, only to realize she’s being kidnapped, and is taken to see Abigail Fairfax (Daniel Radcliffe), an eccentric billionaire who believes Loretta can help him find an ancient treasure called the crown of fire. Prior to writing romance novels, Loretta had studied archaeology and her late-husband was also an archaeologist. So, all of her romance novels double as action romps in jungle and ruins, but with heaving breasts and bulging packages.

This is also the part of the movie that turned really turned me against it. It was bad enough to see Bullock forced into the adult equivalent of Ralphie’s bunny pajamas, but why did she need to be kidnapped as plan A? To make matters worse, the film tries its comedy hand again by commenting on Abigail being a gender neutral name and Abigail having two brothers also with female-not-female names. The only thing missing from the scene is a 1950s clown honking its own nose.

Since Loretta refuses to help Abigail, he drugs her and takes her to the island where he believes the crown is hidden. Meanwhile, having witnessed her initial kidnapping, Alan decides to mount a rescue attempt. He and Beth hire an ex-Navy SEAL named Jack Trainer (Brad Pitt) and Alan is supposed to meet Jack to provide him information. Alan insists on going with Jack because he is in love with Loretta. Like you must with all romance literature, just go with it.

In additional to being a nincompoop, Alan is also a klutz. This doesn’t work on any level because he’s Channing Tatum. In one scene, he struggles to put a tiny suitcase into the back of truck, despite looking like he could bench press the truck, then is dancing with Loretta as smooth as silk in a later scene. Again, he’s Channing Tatum. We could believe him being a dope, but not uncoordinated. On the plus side, the closest this film ever comes to being funny is because Tatum has gotten better at his timing.

Besides that opening scene, the other worthwhile scene is when Jack (with Alan in tow) infiltrates Abigail’s camp to rescue Loretta. It’s a very good action scene and features the solid comedic timing from Tatum I mentioned. If the film had done more scenes like this and less like the pink nightmare, it would have been much more fun to watch.

As it was, the film could have been a whole lot worse. It’s the kind of romantic comedy that’s been missing from theaters for quite some time and I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. Despite it having some insulting bad humor and giving us characters with several unappealing traits, I did find myself enjoying it every now and then. It’s just really disappointing to see a movie introduce a clever concept - the movie acting as a mirror for Loretta’s book - then abandoning the concept altogether. Maybe next time let the clown sleep instead of forcing him to tell jokes.

Rating: Ask for seven dollars back and an apology to Bullock for dressing her like Barbie’s tampon.