“28 Years Later: The Bone Temple” - Two become one.

There were three red flags for me going into 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple. The first flag is the entire franchise is decidedly mediocre. All three movies to this point have been very forgettable. I’ve already forgotten the third one despite the fact that I watched it less than a month ago. The second flag is that The Bone Temple is the fourth movie in the franchise. Each of the first three movies has essentially the same plot - don’t get eaten by zombies. Why would we expect anything different in The Bone Temple? The third flag is The Bone Temple got a mid-January opening. Woof.

It would be an understatement to say I was pleasantly surprised by how good was The Bone Temple. The truth is I was almost in awe. I just wish it hadn’t taken writer Alex Garland three sequels to realize the zombies were only the story in the first movie of the franchise.

The Bone Temple is a direct sequel to 28 Years Later (both movies were filmed together), but it’s also a companion piece. The Bone Temple features two completely separate story arcs that eventually converge with each other. One features the continued adventures of young Spike (Alfie Williams) after he strikes back out into the quarantine zone at the end of the previous film. The other features Dr. Ian Kelson, the doctor Spike seeks out in the previous film in the hopes his sick mother can be cured. By themselves, each story is interesting, but not enough to carry an entire movie. But put them together and, oh man have you really got something good.

On one side of the movie, young Spike has found himself trapped in a small satanist group led by Sir Lord Jimmy Crystal (Jack O’Connell). The group represents the de-evolution of man in almost every way possible. They have stopped thinking for themselves, completely subservient to Jimmy Crystal. They have no home, roaming the land and taking what they want through violence and killing. They even fight amongst themselves on occasion, culling the weakest from the group whenever they happen upon a new non-zombie person who might prove useful. Spike is terrified, but nearly helpless to extricate himself due to him still being a small human adolescent.

On the other side of the movie, Kelson has taken a scientific and medical interest in an alpha zombie he’s named Samson (Chi Lewis-Parry). Samson represents the evolution of man. Using blow darts tipped with a healthy dose of morphine, Kelson has discovered that he can sedate Samson to the point that Samson won’t try to rip Kelson’s skull and spine from his body. Kelson has also discovered that while Samson is sedated, Samson is responsive to things like music, dancing, and conversation. Kelson’s theory is that the rage virus suppresses brain function instead of just killing it (among other things) and the morphine is able to counteract that suppression to a certain degree. Make no mistake, Kelson isn’t trying to cure the virus, just understand it a bit better. More importantly, the entire experiment is returning some of Samson’s humanity.

As you can see, these two storylines perfectly compliment each other. Given that, it makes perfect sense that they would crash into each other, raising a final question - which version of humanity will persevere?

There are a couple of things that make the movie so compelling, beyond those two storylines. One is spending real time exploring the virus itself. Most zombie films don’t bother with this because that’s not the point. Just like the first film in this franchise (28 Days Later), the point is survival of the remaining non-zombified humans. But dissecting how the virus works allows The Bone Temple to explore some of what makes us human.

The second is focusing on how humans behave decades after the initial fall of civilization. The Walking Dead does this really well, even though it can’t quite get out of its own way with the zombies. In The Bone Temple, the zombies are part of the environment, even Samson. Instead of being an existential threat that is always run from, they are something to be studied and understood. Even The Walking Dead never goes that far (if it did, it was after I grew bored of the show and quit watching).

The last thing is a scene that is (already) known as “The Iron Maiden Scene.” I’m not going to tell you anything about this scene other than it’s simply amazing. The last time I saw a scene as good was in season four of Game of Thrones when Tyrion Lannister rips into everyone after being accused of murdering Joffrey. The Iron Maiden Scene is the only time I can remember the entire theater audience bursting into applause after a scene that didn’t involve a climactic battle or a villain getting their just desserts or the movie ending. And that applause happened again at the end. The movie really was that good.

Rating: Don’t ask for any of your money back in January for the first time ever.

“Greenland 2: Migration” - Eurotrip

Greenland 2: Migration is a great example of a sequel whose existence raises a few eyebrows. Its predecessor, Greenland, was a Covid-era film, released in December 2020. It grossed just $52.3 million on a $35 million budget, numbers which usually mean the movie lost money. However, the film did well once released to streaming services, with some estimates claiming as high as $80 million in profits.

Defenders of the film would point to both of those numbers as evidence that the film would have fared far better at the box office in the before times. But the opposite argument can be made as well - with far fewer movies released at that time, people still didn’t go see it in theaters and only watched it on streaming for lack of other options (and literally none of my friends or colleagues had even heard of Greenland). In the name of science, STX Films decided to spend $90 million on a sequel order to find out who was right.

In case you don’t remember - or didn’t read - my review of Greenland, one might say I was a bit down on it. If you did read my review, you might say I thought it was a close cousin of Mr. Hanky, the Christmas poo. So you can guess what my expectations of a sequel were.

Greenland 2 picks up five years after comet Clarke smashed into the Earth. Even though the end of the first film showed people leaving the bunker after just nine months and declaring the atmosphere to be clearing up, John Garrity (Gerard Butler) and his fellow survivors are still hunkered down in the Greenland bunker five years later. In a long, long voice-over narration, John hilariously explains that more chunks of the comet unexpectedly crashed into the planet. Or he said, “hit us completely by surprise” or “came out of nowhere” or something very similar to that affect. It’s hard to remember because my friend and I were laughing at hearing this nonsense spoken out loud.

But it also kind of makes sense that they were surprised...they’re stupid. After John finally shuts up, we see him exploring a beached destroyer while being assured on his radio that a nearby storm won’t hit him. Just a couple of minutes later, he’s frantically told to “get out of there! The storm changed direction and it’s going to hit you now!” Is radar really that confusing?

If you think I’m being harsh, hold that thought. A couple of scenes later, earthquakes hit the bunker causing everyone to flee. Is there an evacuation plan? Of course not. Is there a contingency plan in case this very thing happens? Of course not. This is the same military/government from the first film that didn’t tell any of the vital-for-rebuilding-society humans about the Greenland bunker plan until the apocalypse was literally happening. Why would we ever think even one of them thought, “hey, what if disaster struck the bunker?” And, yes, of course we were laughing at this.

From there until the end of the movie, the film’s entire purpose becomes to kill off as much of the population of the bunker as possible. Tsunamis, radiation storms, comet fragments, gusts of winds, ladders, insurgents. Everything is trying to kill John and crew as they make their way to the Clarke impact crater. If you aren’t laughing at at least one of those things, you’re watching a different movie than we were.

Accompanying John are his wife Allison (Morena Baccarin), son Nathan (Roman Griffin Davis), and other people who are barely given names, let alone any kind of character development. They are heading to the crater because Allison and a soon-to-be-deceased travelling companion have theorized that the crater’s walls science-magically protect the inside of the crater from everything ravaging the rest of the Earth. That includes homicidal ladders.

All I could think about once they revealed their plan was The Land Before Time. Littlefoot and his group of misfits had to cross an apocalyptic Earth to reach idyllic safety and nourishment. I almost screamed out “The Great Valley!!” when the surviving humans stood on a cliff overlooking a lush and thriving crater floor, complete with blue skies and farmland.

In case you are confused, Greenland 2 is in no way a comedy. It takes itself completely seriously, insisting that we should too. But come on. It doubles down on a bunch of insultingly dumb pseudoscience. It goes out of its way to remind Nathan to grab some insulin for his diabetes as they flee the bunker, then never mentions it again. It directs John to stop for a picnic in the middle of an area that everyone in the film says is extremely dangerous and crawling with insurgents. And it demands we feel sympathy for the Garritys almost exclusively by giving John cancer from all the radiation. At no point did I ever take this movie seriously. And, yes, spending $90 million on this film also made me laugh.

Rating: Ask for all your money back and watch out for those dastardly ladders. Sometimes they come out of nowhere.

“My Year in Movies - 2025 Edition” - Oh the horror.

2025 was quite the year for horror. If Billy Joel or Fallout Boy wanted to add more verses to “We Didn’t Start the Fire” covering all of the horrid shit that happened in the world in 2025, the song would be longer than Gone With the Wind. But I’m going to focus on movie-related horror. You’re welcome.

Horror movies had a really good year at the box office. The Conjuring: The Last Rites raked in nearly $500 million, by far the best performance in the entire franchise (The Nun is second with $366 million). And The Conjuring isn’t the only franchise that saw solid returns. Final Destination: Bloodlines, Five Nights at Freddy’s 2, 28 Years Later, and Black Phone 2 all made plenty of money to guarantee future sequels, quality be damned in at least one case.

It wasn’t just franchises that were rolling in money either. Two original films - Sinners and Weapons - came out of nowhere to pull in well over $600 million between the two of the them. On top of their box office returns, both films are popping in top ten movie lists all over the place. Sinners is even getting some Best Picture buzz, though I’d argue Weapons is a much better movie.

Setting aside box office, there were plenty more horror movies to choose from, especially if we expand our definition of horror movie to include movies that you might consider more action than horror. No, not Jurassic World: Rebirth. Whether or not you consider being chased by mutant dinosaurs horror, that movie (and entire franchise save for Jurassic Park) most definitely does not deserve our attention. Unless that attention is pure unadulterated disdain.

Assuming you’ve seen the movies above (or don’t want to), what kind of horror movie do you prefer? Killer robots, perhaps? Companion and M3GAN 2.0 have you covered. Classic horror? Guillermo del Toro made a new Frankenstein film. Campy slashers? Heart Eyes and Clown in a Cornfield spill blood everywhere. Thrillers that may or may not be psychological thrillers? The Housemaid, Locked, and Bugonia all exist. You can also just peruse the annual parade of Blumhouse, A24, Neon, and Shudder lineups to find something that sounds interesting. Be picky with those lineups though. Neon in particular puts out some stuff that will make you feel icky for days.

If none of that sounds appealing to you, might I suggest something from the one person that immediately makes you think of horror? 2025 featured six Stephen King adaptations. Yes, six, and two of them are television series. I know that sounds like I lot and you’re right. In fact, I wouldn’t recommend the two television series because (1) Welcome to Derry, a prequel to It, is aggressively mediocre when it isn’t being aggressively gross, and (2) I didn’t know The Institute even existed until ten minutes ago, let alone watched it.

But you should definitely carve out some time to watch the four movies. And you should do it in the following order. First, The Monkey is a batshit crazy movie about a possessed organ grinder monkey toy that is the perfect shock opening. Second, The Long Walk features a dystopian competition where teenagers walk until only one is left alive. It’ll help calm you down after The Monkey, though “calm down” is a relative term. Third, The Running Man is another dystopian competition, but is very much an action flick. And it’s not the campy (though entertaining) schlock that was the 80s Arnold Schwarzenegger romp. And finally, The Life of Chuck is not a horror movie. Surprise! It’s a very pleasant movie, if not straight-up tear jerker, to remind you that King is really good at writing characters in general. It’s the kind of happy ending that fits King, and this little movie marathon, to a tee.

As you can see, horror was everywhere, all year long. And you’ll see it throughout these entire rankings.

Best of the best of the best, sir!

This might be the toughest top five I’ve chosen of all the years I’ve been reviewing movies. Not because there were a lot of great movies, but because there weren’t.

·       The Running Man - A faithful adaptation of Stephen King book that is also one of the best non-superhero action flicks in years. I can’t wait to watch this movie several more times and read the book at least one more time.

·       A Big Bold Beautiful Journey - So weird and so good. I was already really high on Margot Robbie and Colin Farrell, but after this film I will watch them in anything.

·       Thunderbolts* - My wife has been very critical of the recent MCU films and series and even she thought Thunderbolts* was a really good movie. Since she is also a film major, that’s quite the ringing endorsement.

·       Weapons - Best movie of the year. Also, the most surprising, out-of-nowhere movie of the year. And it has the most satisfying ending to a movie this year, if not this millennia.

·       The Life of Chuck - I heard good things about The Life of Chuck, but the movie blew those compliments out of the water. And if you’re wary of Stephen King stories because you don’t like horror, you can relax this time. It’s the opposite of horror but still feels every bit like King.

Canada, huh? Almost made it.

If you named any of these next few movies as being in your top movies of the year list, I would just nod at you. The difference between these and my top five is very little.

·       F1 - It was a photo finish but F1 just missed making my top five. I still won’t watch an actual F1 race on purpose, but I’ll watch this movie many more times.

·       Fantastic Four: First Steps - Third reboot’s a charm. The difference this time was the filmmakers put more than a token effort into casting, writing, directing, production, and capturing the true essence of the Fantastic Four. That token effort is why the 20th Century Fox logo was half-buried in the Void in Deadpool 3.

·       Companion - I love when movies can really surprise me. I read the synopsis and watched the opening scene to see if it would pique my interest. I was not prepared at all for the direction the film took and it was amazing.

·       Superman - Now that is how to make a proper Superman film. Marvel will finally have real competition and all it took was for Warner Brothers to hire a Marvel director (James Gunn) to run the whole franchise. Also, hat tip for the best teaser trailer of the year (the Weapons teaser was an extremely close second).

·       Black Bag - A spy movie, but a very different one than usual. It’s more of a whodunit than spy thriller, so I guess it’s also a mystery movie, but a different one than usual. Trust me, it’s worth it.

The Squirmers

These movies were good, but they are tough to watch for one reason or another. Rewatchability played a big factor in my rankings here. Parts of each of these would be really difficult to sit through more than once. So, they get a separate category so you don’t accidentally watch them on date night.

·       The Luckiest Man in America - It’s a really interesting story, but the title character is not someone you’d want to be stuck talking to at any gathering.

·       The Assessment - Three excellent performances from Elizabeth Olsen, Himesh Patel, and Alicia Vikander highlight this highly intriguing and quite disturbing dystopian story. Vikander goes all in with character that will give you both the ick and the urge to punch the next kid you see throwing a tantrum.

Surprisingly Decent

It is almost impossible to go into a movie without some sort of expectations. Usually, it’s from something you saw in a trailer, actors who are in the movie, or what you already know about the director. These are the ones that surprised me...in a good way.

·       The Long Walk - It was both a disappointment and better than I expected. I was disappointed that they didn’t stray a bit more from the Stephen King’s novel, but I was also pleased at how well it captured much of the source material. I could just have easily put this in my disappointments category, but I liked it enough not to.

·       The Roses - Definitely a better version of The War of the Roses, but also quite a bit different. There is far less hatred and pettiness in The Roses, which I appreciated. If that’s not what you are looking for, you can always watch Real Housewives.

·       The Legend of Ochi - It brought back memories of the quest movies I loved as a kid, particularly the ones featuring actual puppets. And it did it without aiming for the dimmest kids in class.

·       Sinners - Sinners is getting a lot more praise than Weapons and I really don’t understand why. Sinners is just a much better version of From Dusk Til Dawn, but that’s not really saying much. And, yes, Sinners suffers from the same problem as From Dusk Til Dawn. When the vampires go RAWR, all of the stuff shown prior to that immediately stops mattering.

·       The Amateur - A very solid spy/revenge thriller that far too few people noticed. And it’s one that keeps you guessing until the end. You’re welcome.

Movies for Me

Movies for Me are my guilty pleasures. Whether or not they’re objectively good doesn’t matter. All that matters is they did the thing I wanted them to do - entertain me.

·       The Gorge - Right off the bat, the movie that makes you want to put your hand on my shoulder and gently ask “are you alright? I mean, really alright?”

·       Death of a Unicorn - “No, yeah. I’m definitely alright.”

·       Mission: Impossible - Final Reckoning - This movie was messy, forgot a bunch of stuff from the previous entry, and got just plain silly with some of the action scenes. But it - and the franchise as a whole - is just so entertaining. There’s no way this is the finale of the franchise.

·       Love Hurts - It tickled me that Marshawn Lynch was kind of good at acting. Let’s just keep moving.

·       Novocaine - Speaking of hurt, I’m finally recovered from experiencing Novocaine in 4DX. I don’t recommend it. The 4DX, that is. The movie was fun.

·       The Monkey - Bonkers. Utterly bonkers.

·       Locked - I didn’t know it was possible to make an entire movie take place in a parked SUV, let alone a movie that isn’t total crap.

·       Heads of State - The only reason this movie worked on any level is because of Idris Elba and John Cena. There was surprisingly good chemistry between them in this otherwise absurd action comedy.

·       Fountain of Youth - It wants to be National Treasure unless it wants to be Indiana Jones. But it ended up much closer Tomb Raider (the Alicia Vikander one) unless it was closer to Uncharted. Can you tell I like this genre of movie?

·       Deep Cover - I swear to you I’m alright.

Movies Not for Me

Flip a coin on these films. These movies were okay and also were movies. None of them spoke to me in any way, but maybe they spoke to you.

·       One Battle After Another - If Hamnet doesn’t become the most overhyped movie heading into the Oscars, One Battle After Another will win that title. Had this movie landed with me, I would have put it in The Squirmers category. Sean Penn’s Captain Lockjaw is one of the most disturbing characters you will ever experience outside of the Trump administration.

·       Heart Eyes - I still don’t know what to make of this silly horror flick, so this seemed like the right category for it.

·       The Accountant 2 - A very meh action movie that doubles down on the premise that autism provides practically superhuman computer hacking powers. Maybe this is really why RFK Jr. links autism to vaccines.

·       Eenie Meanie - It’s kind of good, I think? Samara Weaving was solid, but it’s one of those movies that you forget about an hour after watching it.

·       Caught Stealing - I prefer my Darren Aronofsky movies weirder than this. Caught Stealing is decent, but a bit uneven. Zoe Kravitz was given far too little to do, but Austin Butler was pretty good.

Intermission

There are so many TV series that people insist we watch that I sacrifice watching some movies to fit those series in. After looking at the length of this list, it seems I sacrificed a lot more than I thought.

·       Welcome to Wrexham - Season 4 - I’m still amazed that a documentary series about a sport I hated when I was kid might be my current favorite show to watch. I genuinely tear up more than once during each season and season four was no different.

·       Ted Lasso - People recommended this show so much that we finally caved in and subscribed to AppleTV. We binged the entire season and it was so very much worth the subscription cost.

·       Man on the Inside - Season 2 - Like Ted Lasso, Man on the Inside is a feel-good show. It’s a lighthearted break from sci-fi and dystopian shows.

·       Reacher - Season 3 - Season three was a great rebound after the very uneven season two. I hope it doesn’t turn into a Star Trek type thing where only the odd numbered seasons are the good ones.

·       The Residence - A goofy little romp set in the White House that might be a Knives Out show unless it’s a Clue series in disguise. If you like a good mystery that doesn’t take itself too seriously, definitely make time for The Residence.

·       Taylor Swift: The End of an Era - Yeah. I like Taylor Swift. Not as much as my wife likes her, but I have more than several of her song lyrics memorized. I might have also teared up once. Maybe.

·       Paradise - I had no idea what to expect of this show, but it ended up being one of my favorites of the year. The reveal at the end of the first episode alone makes the entire series worth watching.

·       Fallout - Season 1 - This definitely falls in my Movies for Me category. It’s pretty silly, very campy, and my eyes were glued to the entire first season. I can’t wait to start season 2, but I have to finish writing this thing first.

·       Alien: Earth - I’m glad they stayed away from all the Engineers nonsense introduced by Prometheus and I liked the new creatures they added. But this series is a really slow burn. So slow, in fact, that my son grew bored by episode five (of eight) and didn’t finish the rest of the season. I did finish it, but season two is going to have a shorter leash for me.

·       Wednesday - Season 2 - I actually didn’t sacrifice much time for this one. The first episode was quite bad, so we moved on to other series. And let’s all agree that season one wasn’t particularly good either. This franchise is Temu Harry Potter wrapped in Addams Family schlock.

·       Welcome to Derry - I’m pretty disappointed that it’s nothing more than a prequel to It. But they sure did up the ante on the gore.

·       Severance - Season 1 - Now this is my kind of story. Science fiction. Dystopia. General all-around weirdness. Like I said about Fallout, I’ll get to season two after I write a couple thousand more words here.

·       Only Murders in the Building - Season 5 - I’m very impressed out how well this series has maintained the quality and intrigue. It even acknowledged the bizarre subplot of Howard and the doorman robot in the best way possible when Nathan Lane’s Teddy Dimas literally asked if Howard is fucking the robot.

We’re Really Only in it for the Money

Nothing provides studios more inspiration than easy money. Nothing provides studios more fear than expiring IP rights. That’s how we continually get an annual plethora of lackluster uninspired sequels, remakes, and franchise entries.

·       How to Train Your Dragon - The original animated movie was really good and this new film is a shot-for-shot remake, but with CGI. The CGI is fantastic, but these is no other distinguishing factor. Not even the chief, played once again by Gerard Butler.

·       Avatar: Fire and Ash - Avatar almost needs its own category; I struggled between putting it here and putting in the next category. On the one hand, there is no other film that even sniffs the spectacular visual effects James Cameron has crafted for this franchise. He really does care about making something people want to see. On the other hand, the writing leaves a ton to be desired, which further proves he just wants to make something people want to see.

·       Predator: Badlands - You know a franchise is completely out of ideas when they turn one of the scariest and coolest villains into the hero. This does not bode well for the Alien franchise either, which might already be going in the same direction, given the events in Alien: Earth.

·       Nobody 2 - Nobody is one of those movies that nobody thought would get a sequel. That sequel showed why we all thought that.

·       Den of Thieves 2: Pantera - Might be the most boring heist movie ever made. The full heist scene was well-made, featuring no music and almost no sound, in an attempt to really submerse the audience in the heist.

·       Lilo & Stitch - There are probably fans of the original that have a list of complaints about this remake. I never saw the original, so they’ll have to take those complaints elsewhere. My only complaint is the remake grossed $1 billion at the box office, which means more uninspired live-action Disney remakes are in my future.

·       28 Years Later - I do not get the appeal of this franchise. There’s nothing about these films that make them stand out against other zombie films. And if I wanted to watch a naked, diseased lunatic try to eat people, I’m sure RFK Jr. has a price.

·       The Bad Guys 2 - I can’t remember a thing about this movie and I watched it three weeks ago. That’s the epitome of a movie that is nothing more than a money grab.

We Decided We Weren’t Just in it for the Money

These movies are no less money grabs than the films you just read about, but they actually tried to provide some solid entertainment for your money. This might be the weakest crop of this type of movie in years, but they were all much better than everything in the previous category.

·       Zootopia 2 - A little redundant in some of the story arcs, but still quite an enjoyable movie. It’s lots of fun for people of all ages. But I still want to know why the fish aren’t sentient.

·       Tron: Ares - Finally, a Tron movie that non-software developers can understand.

·       Snow White - I mean, of course they’re in it for the money. Every Disney live-action remake is preying on nostalgia to pry open your wallet. But I maintain that Snow White is the best of those remakes so far, combining some new elements with the original elements. If you can get over the weird looking CGI dwarves, you’ll see what I mean.

·       Captain America: Brave New World - I’ll admit that I was wrong about Thor: Love and Thunder. A second viewing will do that sometimes. I’ve only watched Brave New World once, but I’m confident I’m right that it’s a good “reset” movie.

·       Wake Up Dead Man: A Knives Out Mystery - Knives Out flicks are such fun mystery movies and Wake Up Dead Man continues that streak. I love that Daniel Craig looks like he really enjoys playing detective Benoit Blanc. Ditto for Josh Brolin, who clearly was reveling in his role as a bombastic priest.

This Parachute is a Knapsack!

The second category where expectations are key. Lazy screenplays and disappointing films will always exist. And some are the movies that start strong and don’t stick the landing, otherwise known as Shyamalan-ing.

·       Together - How do you feel about watching a gymnastics routine where the gymnast absolutely faceplants the landing? Alison Brie’s excellent performance is the only reason that landing didn’t include broken bones.

·       The Housemaid - It’s a glorified Lifetime Channel movie with the poor plot and character development to match. But there is also a bit of Skin-emax thrown in (for both men and women) to distract you from noticing. Syndey Sweeney’s got good “jeans” indeed (as does Brandon Sklenar).

·       Mickey 17 - I was hoping it would be the one good science fiction movie I look for every year and it very much wasn’t. The premise was interesting, but the execution was very lacking. Considering director Bong Joon Ho also made the ghastly Snowpiercer, I shouldn’t have been surprised Ho would deliver another sci-fi letdown.

·       Good Fortune - You’d think a film featuring Seth Rogen and Aziz Ansari would be funnier than your average catholic mass, but you’d be wrong. You’d also think Keanu Reeves would take this opportunity to remind people he’s more than John Wick, but you’d be wrong again. That’s what you get for thinking.

·       Bugonia - I’m a big fan of director Yorgos Lanthimos because he currently does weird better than anybody. I expected Bugonia to be stuffed with weird from beginning to end, but it was only weird at the very end.

·       The Old Guard 2 - I don’t really know why I liked the first The Old Guard, but I might like it a whole lot less now after watching this sequel. I enjoy Charlize Theron kicking ass and the action scenes were fine. But the movie as a whole was just so utterly joyless.

·       The Naked Gun - Speaking of being far less funny than it should have been. Apparently, nobody involved with the film gave it a second thought that spoofing yourself when yourself is already a spoof is, almost by definition, not funny. But it was at least funnier than Good Fortune.

TL;DR

At least ‘The Letdowns’ contained some entertainment value. These next films were very boring, not the least bit entertaining, and lacked any plot beyond the initial premise. Or they were movies I quit in the middle or refused to watch. They are the very definition of “two hours of your life you will never get back.”

·       The Smashing Machine - You’d be hard-pressed to find a movie about a less interesting person than ultimate fighter Mark Kerr. And despite a fantastic performance from Emily Blunt, this movie has nothing to offer.

·       Eephus - I made it about forty-five minutes into this tortured metaphor before I had to stop watching or risk Tommy John surgery from angrily hurling objects at the screen. It’s bad enough that the actors played baseball like how a constipated toddler would. What made it worse was the movie felt like it was written by people who never played baseball imagining what they think gets said in a dugout.

·       A Working Man - I’m so bored during Jason Statham films, even the ones featuring prehistoric sharks. Just like I got so bored with Liam Neeson action flicks, Statham movies are always the same. But at least in Neeson films, Neeson would take some damage during fights. Statham fights always play out like every cheat code has been enabled.

·       Last Breath - An ode to deep sea gas line repairmen. No seriously.

·       Die My Love - Not even a hint of a plot in this depressing, confusing movie about a woman who hates what her life has become. The movie doesn’t try to develop her character. Instead, it just shows us bits of her life and not even in any kind of coherent order.

Not the Worst, But You Sure Tried Hard

The challenge with this category is convincing you of the one redeeming quality for each of these films that kept them out of the cellar. Good luck to me, right?

·       Regretting You - Redeeming quality...redeeming quality...oh, I know. Mckenna Grace didn’t mail in her performance for a movie that all but begged for mail-ins.

·       From the World of John Wick: Ballerina - If you want to make more John Wick movies, just do it. It’s just mean to tease us with Ana de Armas playing the new assassin only to once again make everything about Wick.

·       You’re Cordially Invited - This movie is what I started the year with. A movie that wanted me to laugh at not one but two ruined weddings. Reese Witherspoon doesn’t completely suck, so...yay?

·       Drop - I watched three of the seven movies produced by Blumhouse this year and Drop was the best. That is not a compliment. Drop is a dumb, dumb movie. Its premise is so ridiculous that my suspension of disbelief just laughed inside my brain for the entire movie. But there’s something I like about Brandon Sklenar, so at least there’s that.

·       Wicked: For Good - It’s not a terrible movie in general and I realize it’s really just the second half of a five-hour movie, the very solid Wicked being the first half. But unlike that first movie, For Good has a really messy plot, zero memorable songs, and goes out of its way to show us Dorothy’s entire journey through Oz without showing us Dorothy’s face. There are better versions of this movie, but also worse versions.

Pooping on the Silver Screen

And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for - the five worst movies of the year. Unlike with my top five, these terrible films were easy to identify.

·       Materialists - This movie made we want to stab my ears out. The robot actress known as Dakota Johnson continues to be the negative poster child of nepobabies.

·       A Minecraft Movie - I’m just going to requote my Minecraft-loving son’s reaction after watching the movie - “What the fuck was that?”

·       Hell of a Summer - My son and I tried to give this movie every benefit of the doubt that it was trying to be a satire of summer camp slasher flicks. By the end, it proved that junior high plays aren’t the worst productions out there.

·       A House of Dynamite - Want to know the best way to make me hate a movie with my entire soul? Let Zack Snyder direct it. The next best way is to cut to the credits without resolving any of the plot.

·       Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 - This absolute plopper of a film managed to pull in $220 million at the box office, proving once again why we can’t have nice things. The worst thing about that number is it will fund at least three more sequels best described as what if chlamydia had diarrhea?

Pooping on the Silver Screen: The Sequel

This is the bonus category for movies that were made as sheer money grabs, but were also terrible movies in general. They are the shitty sequels, prequels, remakes, and franchise entries that keep getting made because you won’t stop watching them.

·       Jurassic World: Rebirth - Like the Fast and Furious franchise, audiences just can’t stop shelling out nearly a billion dollars for every new Jurassic World abomination. Chances are high that the next one is going to somehow involve a dinosaur in outer space.

·       Now You See Me, Now You Don’t - The quality of this franchise has disappeared quicker than every magician’s assistant. The magic hasn’t just left this franchise, it’s been sawed in half and not in the fun magic trick kind of way.  

·       M3GAN 2.0 - I wasn’t a fan of the first film and, based on the box office numbers, hardly anybody was a fan of this sequel. And who can blame them? They turned a barely scary murder doll into a very not-scary hero doll fighting a terminator.

·       Karate Kid: Legends - It’s the least bad of these trashcan sequels, but is still much worse than if they had just phoned in another sequel. This one went out of its way to make a mockery of Jackie Chan and Ralph Macchio.

·       I Know What You Did Last Summer - One of the funniest things that happened all year was the reaction my colleague had to a line in my review of this film after seeing the film. My review said, “I Know What You Did Last Summer is an obvious choice to resurrect...if the target audience is people who were teenagers in the 1990s who still have bad taste in movies.” His response was “come on now,” but with a smirk that said “you’re not wrong.”

Despite 2025 being a big ball of crap in general, we had a bunch of good movies to distract us from life’s horrors. And not just horror movies. 2026 is sure to feature plenty more horror movies to watch, from originals to sequels to adaptations. And, plenty of non-horror from The Avengers to Supergirl to Dune 3 to Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey to a bunch of animated sequels. I’m looking forward to all of them because 2026 is sure to provide more content for “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”